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27th Feb 16

Ok, so the Darkness has well and truly gone. I’m almost definetely in my mania state. I spent 5 hours today tidying and cleaning my house, purely because I couldn’t sit still and I decided that I might as well put all the energy to good use. I also went to see the mother in law willingly. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a big deal, but I don’t always want to go round on my own if the Darkness is about. Also, I didn’t sleep much last night, but don’t feel at all tired today and could happily take on the world and (apparently) I’ve been spouting shit all day about absolutely nothing. I’d tell the world I was going to the toilet if anyone would listen. Hey ho, feeling a lot better than I have been!!

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26th Feb 16

The british mental health service is pretty freaking awful! I’ll explain why. A little while ago, when I was first diagnosed with bi-polar, I was told one of my options were to go to a emotional coping group (group obviously meaning not one to one). I went to the 1st one and was told if I wanted to continue on the course to put my name down. Making me think it was totally up to me to decide if I chose to go or not. Well the time came to go and my anxiety got so bad I sat outside the building in my car for half an hour before deciding I simply couldn’t do it. I chose not to go to the other groups, but didn’t get round to phoning them or anything as my anxiety also makes me find it hard to use a phone. Well fairly recently I received a letter informing me that as I didn’t go to any of the groups I had been discharged from their care, which meant I had to see my doctor again today to get re-reffered to them. They might not even take me back, meaning that I may have to live with this, with no medication. This isn’t right!

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23 Feb 16

So I’ve been slightly absent recently. I’ve been having a really tough time over the last few days. I have started hallucinating with my bi-polar, so now as well as everything else, I am suffering with psychosis as well. For the 1st time since having this I seem I have highs and lows in the same day. My normal pattern is 1 month low and 2 high, however my moods are extreme highs and lows in the same day, which is becoming one hell of a head fuck, especially for my friends and family. I have the doctors on Friday though, so hopefully something should change.

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19th Feb 16

So I’m trying...really trying. Managed to get out today with mum and the boys. Took them for lunch at the Langbrook. It’s good there cos you can let the kids play while you wait for food. I told mum I’d go to the bar to pay for lunch...that might have been the worst idea EVER. It was really busy and I was desperately trying to contain a panic attack. By the time I got to the front of the queue to order, I was so flustered I could barely blurt my order out. Luckily I had thought slightly ahead, and wrote everything down. By the time I got back to the table, I was in such a weird one that I couldn’t stick on one conversation at a time and was switching conversations quicker than I don’t know what. Brought the boys an ice cream each and I had the worlds BIGGEST pancake stack for dessert. On the way home I treated Chunk to some star monsters and Roo a book. They’ve enjoyed themselves, even if I’m so exhausted I could sleep until Sunday xx

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Reblogg if you're a Nerd,Dork,Geek

And you’re pretty fucking proud✌️

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17th Feb 16

Emotions, so many emotions. Fear, anger and sorrow, muddled up into a giant knot that weighs heavy in my stomach. The anger grabs my tongue, making me say things I don’t mean, snapping at the people closest to me. The fear, taking over my body, making me shake at the thought of leaving my safe place. Making me think everyone is either talking about me or out to get me. Making social situations, even with the people closest to me, feel like the 9th circle of hell. The sorrow, grabbing my mind. Making me think of all the things I’ve done wrong in my past. All the people I’ve lost, all the things I’m doing wrong in the present, all the things I’m likely to continue doing wrong.  The Darkness controls them. It’s one goal, to make me feel alone. If I push everyone I love away, I’ll eventually join it’s endless sleep. 

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16 Feb 16

The day dragged. Dragged on and on and on.The Darkness was there all day, watching me from the corner, making it hard to concentrate, focus, move. I take my babies to bed and sit and cry into the empty darkness. I cry because I’m not good enough. I cry because I’m failing as a mother. I cry because I go from super mummy to scary mummy in seconds. I cry because sometimes my stupid head weasels hate human contact so much, I can’t even hug my own children. I cry because I hate myself. The Darkness and the head weasels tell me how much better off without me they’d be. I whisper that they wouldn’t, but the longer and longer they tell me, the more I believe them and it’s getting harder and harder to believe myself. I don’t know who to tell. How can I tell the one and only person I’ve ever loved that I’m actually considering suicide. Hell, I can’t even write it without my hands shaking. ‘Suicide’ it’s a big, scary, empty word...but hell, if it would stop this numbness and self doubt, give my children a better chance for the future...I think I need to change my meds...

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It’s hard feeling like this everyday...

More quotes here

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Yup, this pretty much sums up my whole life…

HALSEY // DRIVE

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Glorification

You know what I’ve decided. I’ve only been on Tumblr for 3 maybe 4 days now, and I’m sick to DEATH of all these fucking pages glorifying suicide, depression and mental health problems. Yes people should be made aware of these things, but pretending you have a disorder of depression to get attention or because you feel ‘sad’ is wrong. Trust me, if you had a fucking disorder you would NOT be glorifying it. It’s awful! On my bad days it takes all my strength to get out of bed, in fact, if I didnt have kids I probably wouldn’t get out of bed at all. On my good days I get so manic my partner of 8 years still struggles to understand my thought patterns, I have no sense of value of money or what I’m saying or doing to people and I feel almost like I could conquer anything, even if that means putting down everyone I love. More often then not these disorders are twinned with anxiety. In my case, it gets so bad I can’t even leave the house. It makes any form of social event seem like hell, even if I’m only with the people closest to me. Please stop glorifying these things.

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My current view. I wanted so much to go out today, but the bloody head weasels didn’t want me to, to the point that I almost had a full on break down in Asda. I managed to compose myself, but I don’t think I would’ve done if my boys weren’t with me. They make me so strong and I can’t even cope outside long enough for them to enjoy themselves in the sun. I’ve let Chunk play Minecraft instead though, so I think all is forgiven.

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16th Feb 16

It came back again today. That crushing blackness at my chest, pulling me back down when I try to get up. I’ve been expecting it for a while now, but it always comes at the most inappropiate times. With the blackness comes the butterflies, the fear, paranoia. Scared caged birds in my head trying to get out where thoughts used to be, making it hard to concentrate or form sensible conversations. The thought of leaving the house leaving me breathless, making me feel like a terrible mother. However 2 little light orbs come into my room, floating around me and laughing, not malicious, but joyous. They force me to push the blackness off and pull myself up to start another day. It might be exhausting and painful, but I think I can do it for them.

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OMG!!! It angers me so much when people do this!!

- only grunge posts -

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I fell in love with you because you loved me when I couldn’t love myself.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

I feel this about my better half. He sticks by me through (almost) whatever., and for someone that doesn’t understand mental ‘disorders’ that means alot.

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The dreaded half term

So, today was the 1st day of half term. I’ve been dreading it. My biggest always gets so freaking bored. It doesn’t help that the smallest isn’t really at the right age to join in with crafting and doesn’t nap. I can’t do crafting with one without the other one climbing all over me. So I always try to get out (really hard with social anxiety). i’m not too bad if the boys are with me. They keep me grounded so I don’t panic too much. Today wasn’t too bad though. We went to see my mother goose, went for a MASSIVE walk and had icecream (yes I’m aware that there was a wind chill of like -2c today) Managed to wear them out. Smallest fell asleep in the car on the way home (air fist pump) hopefully he’ll stay asleep in his own bed all night (YEAH RIGHT!!) the biggest is currently still up, but I don’t think he’ll be for long. Hopefully this is a sign of the week to come and they’ll stay well behaved.

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Some mornings I struggle just getting out of bed. My little people kinda force me into sorting myself out.

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This is me (with my smallest person). Looking at this photo you’d never guess that I suffered with bi-polar disorder and social anxiety. That’s the problem with mental disorders. They’re invisable, and the people that have them have worked out ways to hide having them. It’s about time the stigma was removed.