geminisemotions-blog

[geminisemotions-blog]

I have never read anything that is SO FREAKING TRUE

How tf do u cope with the "I wanna do something I'm bored" but nothing 'sounds good' and you know you won't be able to focus so u just end up wandering around the house frustrated and bored

[geminisemotions-blog]

Adhd & Add Awareness

If you have adhd/add or know someone who have adhd/add please like and reblog this post.

[geminisemotions-blog]

Struggles with ADD

I feel like going crazy. I feel like my mind is playing games with me to get me down, and hold me there as long as possible. Maybe it's the stress, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself or maybe I do have a problem. I can't even think of words right now that describe my feelings, I suck ass at expressing my feelings, but if I don't learn how to do that I might explode. Everytime I sit down to study, as dump as it sounds, I just can't get myself to start. I am scared of starting because I know it will turn out with me crying and having a mental breakdown. When I'm sitting in class it's like there's a wall in my brain that keeps information, important information, from reaching my brain. No matter how hard I'm trying to concentrate on what the teacher and my classmates say...I hear the words, but they won't reach my brain which leads to me not understanding what is going on. Everything seems so foggy and unclear. Like some cloudy layer covering my brain...or sth like that. This again leads to me getting frustrated with myself, even hating myself, for how dump and idiotic I am. Like I'm neither able to complete simple tasks nor a little harder ones. In English today, I struggled to find the most easy words. Words and explanations that I KNOW. Of course my teacher had to pick me, and I just didn't get a word out. He's my favourite teacher and I've always gotten along with him, so why is it that he kept picking on me throughout the whole lesson. He noticed I was off today, and I kept wondering what he must've thought of me. If I'm just lazy today, or too tired (which I was) and I felt humiliated. Maybe he tried helping me by constantly giving me another chance of answering his questions. But it didn't help me at all. I kept thinking of what the others must've thought of me in that moment, I just couldn't help it. I went to the bathroom because I had to calm myself...because I had to hold back my tears...because I felt like a mental breakdown was about to take over me. I calmed down, but felt like shit. I got home, fell asleep for two hours because I just wanted to make it stop, I just wanted to relax. Of course I had to dream about my English teacher, once again picking on me. I wasn't even able to complete his tasks in my damn dream, and after he told me "If you wanna go home and cry that's fine" I woke up, already on the verge of tears the second my eyes opened.

It's so easy to hang out with my friends and play down my frustration, laugh at it and just act like I'm not panicking inside. Acting as if I'm not overwhelmed by every mildly inconvenient situation I get myself in. I am frustrated with myself. Myself only. Much egocentric.

I'm supposed to study japanese. And no, it's not an excuse. It's not that I don't want to study, I really really want to study. I want to achieve my goals, and I did have a lot of moments that made me proud for recognizing words or characters. I want to achieve the good grades. For once, I want to be successful, and proud. I want to make my parents proud, and I don't want to be a waste of money. Everytime I have to ask my mom for money, especially school money, I just feel so guilty. They have already spent so much money on me for things that I messed up or that I wanted. This time, if I fail this school, I have no idea how I'm gonna be able to live with myself.

I've thought of seeing a doctor in order to maybe get some medication or at least a diagnosis and some tips on how to deal with ADD. But why is it that I struggle so hard, but other people who have that don't. My parents, or at least one of them has it. According to the doc who treated my sister, it runs in the family, it's a genetic thing.

But my parents don't seem to care, or think it's an actual problem. The last time I went to my mom and talked about this issue, she just told me to get a grip. She just asked what the doctor's supposed to do about it. That it's unnecessary and something you can deal with by just eating healthy and doing sports. I must admit it helps a little, but not a lot and not over a long period of time.

Few months after our talk I failed math and was forced to leave school, and I still deep down think that I deserved it.

Now it's the first time since then where I'm really really struggling with this again...I guess that's why I'm so hella scared. And frustrated. And depressed.

The anxiety is eating me up, I can't clear my mind, I don't know how to do anything

I can't stop feeling like shit. Like I'm just making everything up in my mind, and I'm scared of every damn exam I still have to take. Fuck I'm scared of the damn presentation I have to do for my damn English teacher, who is going to ask me damn questions after my presentation infront of the whole class, in the same week as my 3 exams, one of them being economics.

Not only do I feel like a bad student or daughter...I feel like a bad friend. A bad human being in general.

Depressing thoughts and self hate are toxic. Before you know it, they have already poisened your whole brain.

I am gifted with the best people I could ever have in life, but I'm not even able to show how much they mean to me. Almost everyday I'm thinking of things I wanna do to show my best friend how much I appreciate her, but I don't know how. I don't know how to pay her back. Not only the money she has helped me with, but also her gestures and the care she has showed me.

Only thinking about it makes me wanna cry. I don't want to give her the impression that I take her for granted.

Am I overthinking?

I don't know. What I know is that I get random outbursts of tears and I feel weak for being that way.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. I guess I'm overreacting, but I don't know how to stop, how to control my thoughts.

There are times it gets better, and times it gets worse.

Right now it's pretty bad, it's actually never been worse.

Some don't struggle at all, not even noticing it. Some struggle from time to time a little, and some don't only have concentration deficit...but they get side symptoms.

Mental issues that come along with it, people who really struggle with this usually have other health problems as well.

I've been reading several studies, articles and opinions from people that are affected.

Not to be jumping to conclusions too fast, but that all explained a lot about me. Like, I could relate to so much, not just like "Yeah I know that". But more like yes I live with that, I live with those thoughts, I struggle with the way I view myself.

I've thought about letting my boyfriend read this, but everytime I'm trying to collect some courage I back out.

I'm scared. To show anyone. Idk why. What if he thinks it's stupid? I wouldn't be able to take that. I already think I am stupid.

What if he doesn't believe me ? Or doesn't care? It seems so stupid, I'm his girlfriend. But I can't help having anxiety attacks.

It's already so hard to keep a straight/normal face infront of him. I feel happy with him, but at the same time I don't and there are so many moments I just want to cry. Lately, especially at night while trying to fall asleep. That stage is dangerous because you start to think too much.

I wouldn't be able to handle it. Him seeing me differently, or not taking me seriously, or even treating me differently.

On the other hand, I don't know for how long I can keep hiding. I guess the day will come where I just start crying out of nowhere and he'll sit there shocked & confused.

I don't want anyone to see me crying.

February, 2019