genetic-fomites - Tumblr blog

[genetic-fomites]

compounding interest is meditating on me

[genetic-fomites]

i'm quieter than i realize and louder than i should be

[genetic-fomites]

i am a mosaic of equal sized pieces

[genetic-fomites]

i think about them sometimes

in the pauses between words and in

the rain

i find myself in wonder about how they are

who they are

i can't ask them now

a tempest in my blood, i breathe the memory of them

soft-mild-forgiving

they float on dewdrops and gigabytes

they average between my neurons and invite me to be liminal

to be in wonder

i find myself in

the rain

stuck-sticking-sticking

the weight of one hundred thousand staplers improperly used and lain upon my chest

my side

torn up and pinned down, a tempest in my blood, i breathe hemoglobin and manila folders for what seems like forever

it has me feel

i am devoid of capacity--

i only find myself in wonder

vengeful-fearful

why do they avoid me

how do they shackle me with arrows from themselves bequeathed

the silent moments remind me

the moments i wish i were transcendental or had the guts to spill my guts

to find them and tell them everything

or die

by the ritual sword or by the misidentified elderberry

or--

i only find myself, nothing

naïve-selfish-weak-unforgivable

what do they think of me

how are their parents doing

why do they hate me

do they hate me?

...

tap tap tap tap

they declaime me gently in the cold echoes of the corner of my room

i'm painted on warm colors like a spectre, forgotten yet haunted

tap tap tap tap

whhhhhsssshhhhhh

a soft ringing in mine ears and

the rain

i'm almost asleep and they whisper to me the past.

a tempest in my blood is a tempest in all me

storms are usually loud but this one is just

unpredictable

salacious-precedented-figmented-elaborated

unreciprocated-mentioned-pensive-searching

quiet

silent to those who aren't listening for it

i find myself remembering their tender pink fingers

their bright red room

their bubbly golden smile

each color hisses at me like the bin of discarded and discounted tube tvs

i find myself in

the static

the rain

aimless-trite, but

sometimes i wonder who they are

[genetic-fomites]

primordial is the default-- and it is lonely

[genetic-fomites]

missed out--

i was too scared, too worried out others feelings-others thoughts about me.

i will become a hedonist. i will get what i need and i will get what is offered to me. for the love of god, speak up for yourself.

you looked him in the eyes. he felt you. he protected you. and you fumbled.

pleasure is the opposite of pain but you exchanged hurting all night for continuing to hurt. arias can't save you now. you ornamented this yourself.

[genetic-fomites]

dramatic, subjunctive irony

[genetic-fomites]

the future doesn't happen in the past 20 minutes

[genetic-fomites]

and i'm bid too many things for two hands to hold,

[genetic-fomites]

i was trying to wonder (imperfect past)

[genetic-fomites]

today,

i am struck by a unique sadness- loneliness. i am reflecting on who i am and what i mean and things i like, but i'm truly thinking about others. i define myself, despite what i should do, by the opinions of others. i want others and i want others to want me.

if everyone were vaporised right now, i wouldn't know what to do with myself. but, at the same time, would i even be sad? sometimes i wonder if i care about people just so they'll care about me. i know how to lie and pretend and vocalise affection, but am i the truth?

i am missing her. after hating her. after grieving her. after ignoring her. after begging her. after loving her,

today,

i am alone...sad. really, i speak in synonyms and parallels and to that end someone rejected me today. a person i'd gone on two dates with, only two. with plans to rendezvous chez moi et nous faire diversions. mais, she bailed. for two weeks we played text-tag and she made the plans, set the dates, reassured me that i wasn't being ghosted. then, bluntly said they'dn't waste my time and told me they were uninterested. all it did was sting a little, i wasn't truly invested nor did i know what i wanted.

the thing is when a sting goes untreated it can become infected, festering in the blistering heat of winter. under the magnifying glass of remembrance, it shatters to the bone. it aches and creaks and splinters its way into your heart. the heart pumps me faster and i remember:

yesterday,

was not good. so bad that tomorrow couldn't be worse (until i remember addition and remembering). clothed in the color of love, singing the whistles of enrapturement, echoing the beckoning of remembrance (cursèd heat). i see her (i should get this checked out). i don't have an immediate reaction. slowly i poison my own thoughts.

do you remember how you loved her? do you remember the gentle curve of her body in the backlight? do you remember how intimately you matched? do you remember the words you spoke that fell gently into her? do you remember- do you remember (yes i remember. it's throbbing and i've set myself up for failure).

it unfolds as piece by piece and face by face and note by note and thought by thought and falling by falling i'm destroyed. an inky audential depth and it deepens to the cornea, i see nothing. i hear only the buzzing of a stage light. one two tee four five six off. seven beats eight songs few reprises.

this whole day has been too neutral. the kind of inertia that requires an antithetic and violent charge of energy. a lifeless air from a fading lung. seven post meridian and one fifteen resting heart rate and one two tee four five six off and three shrouded faces (her family) and one shadow of death. without lamb's blood i'm doomed: the color of love and the color of blood are distinct.

i bolt to my car and i think i am finding the antidote in a message to her. "did you curse my homeland" i ask? "no" she responds "i'll protect you, i was hoping to

today,".

"oh" oh (oh)

(shit)

today,

i do remember. begging and clawing, cloying, asking for more the least i could. the antidote my poison. yet separately the spectre looms above my homeland. diversions, cancelled the heart, pumping. flowing deeper yet, the sting of rejection. tell me the precise moment i died if struck down by a hail of bullets.

but i don't mourn for her or them or ghosts that haunt. i mourn for me. i beg for me. i cloy for me.

today, remembrance is sad. today, remembrance is lonely. today, it is just me. aún yet i disguise myself in others and i live in others -- at least i can pretend. at least i can see brown and green and grey eyes.

today, remembrance is lonely. today, remembrance is sad. today, it is just me.

[genetic-fomites]

and the cat stood there by the check out line

and the cat was walking home

memories are a funny thing as i

create them in order in motions of keystrokes

and the cat looked at me and whined for so long

and the cat was walking home--

and the cat left

[genetic-fomites]

would love to feel worth something, like i matter or my thoughts- like i'm not silly for wanting things or having dreams

would love to have felt this way since 18 or 12 or 9 or birth

but ultimately it's true :/

[genetic-fomites]

i am so close to smoking cigarettes--

i just want to live a life that's not miserable. and if it is, i want it to at least be noteworthy...nocturnal, unhealthy, grungy

i want my life to sound like the headphones of a skinny girl with a lip piercing who makes minimum wage slinging pizzas

i want my life to be tinted in dark reds and neon purples on a substrate of vinyl static and $400 rent

i'm sitting in a car i feel neutral about, i'm driving ten over the speed limit: i'm braking when i'm going down hills and i care too much about the upholstery

i care too much about the future for as stagnant as i am

i can't live in now or live in me or just push through or join the rat race or strive or put myself out there--

there's a thin line between beige walls and success.

i want my life to eat sodium rich foods with the three other chairs filled with film students who won't make it, without asking, without thinking

the trying is the hard part-- the trying is miserable

i don't know what life i want to live, but i'll start it by smoking cigarettes