genocidepolice

[genocidepolice]

Genocide Police:independence day special

its been a hot fucking minute since ive actually posted anything 

oh well

what better time to come back than america day

bla bla bla review under the cut

baby driver part 1:haha

‘haha’ as in haha get fucking pranked its actually a baby driver review

after a long retreat from the theater after the shitshow that was going to see ghost in the shell i finally gave in and went to see one of my favourite directors latest film

baby driver part 2:general opinions

the music selection in this movie is great and is only made better by how well synced to it the action is

every chase scene and almost every shootout was beautifully directed 

the heist with the halloween masks is pretty great

but the best chase by far was the one after the final heist

swapping between driving and running away on foot

the only real downer was the final fight

it dragged on for a lot longer than it should have and faked out a characters death like 4 times

the characters were pretty alright overall with only one really bugging me

baby driver part 3:characters

speaking of which

baby was a great lead and worked with the other characters well

debora was really good as well and was believable as a love interest for baby

shane from the walking dead was pretty bland and the only trait he seemed to possess was being standoffish and cunty so id say it was perfect casting

the rest of the one off guys were pretty meh other than the cameo from flea from the red hot chili peppers

buddy and his wife darling were the worst characters in the film with buddy being the worse of the two due mostly to things that happen later in the movie

also visible in this picture is bats who is one of the better characters in the movie he has the most quips and is a big part of a couple of action scenes

the rest of the characters did a fine job but i really just wanted to touch on ones that stood out to me in one way or another

baby driver part 4:conclusion

baby driver was really good and unless some shit can speed right out of left field will probably be the best film i watch all year

despite my issues with a couple of the characters the rest of the film was more than enough to make up for it

if you have the time to go see it in theaters do it

this movie is fucking great but a tv or monitor will not be able to do this the justice it deserves

arbitrary number rating

43/47

baby driver part 5:real actual conclusion

yeah its been like 3 months since ive posted anything

oh well

see you uh you know

eventually

bye

[genocidepolice]

Genocide Police:nintendo switch

i would hesitate to call this a review

its essentially just

Genocide Police:general impressions of the nintendo switch after like 10 days

but that sounds like shit

switch part 1:buying shit

the switch is the first console i have bought in years

well unless you count the 3ds

ive owned 3 consoles

the original xbox a ps3 and when i was really fucking young a vsmile

ill have to talk about the weird vsmile marvel game about like recycling and shit sometime

ive owned 2 handhelds in the form of the 3ds and the psp

i never really used either that much but i enjoyed them enough

anyway cut back to like 10 days ago

i bought the thing

then i brought it home

and then i opened it

switch part 2:opening the box

its got a nice box

it was nice opening it to see the console and the joy cons sitting there waiting for me

hold on let me steal someone elses picture of it

metrouk has got me covered

beneath that of course is the dock and shit 

really its just a box

which i guess brings me to the shit inside the box

switch part 3:the shit you actually payed money for

the console feels pretty good in the hand

the joy con grip is surprisingly comfortable

the dock feels like a hollow plastic piece of shit but whatever all it does is sit by my tv an hold the console upright for when i want to take it out

the kickstand it shit

like actual shit

its held it up fine but it feels like its going to snap in half when i pull it out 

as far as im concerned it an interesting way to give some use to the door to the sd card slot

the straps feel decent when theyre on and your using the controllers separately but when you take them off it sounds like your snaping the neck of a small animal

its unpleasant as fuck

anyway enough of blowing minor shit way out of proportion

i love the switch

the portability is amazing

sliding it in and out of the dock and having it almost instantly transition is one of the most convenient things ever

i guess ill talk games now

switch part 4:games

its got an alright lineup coming up this year

so far it has

breath of the wild which is probably the best zelda game

the binding of isaac which is one of my favourite games of all time

snipper clips which is apparently pretty good

mario kart 8 deluxe

and its got arms and the new spatoon and mario coming up

overall its a pretty good lineup

switch part 5:should you buy it

i mean

if you feel like you want it and you have the cash sure

i would recommend it but that shouldnt mean anything to anyone

at this point its a matter of if you want to get it and are comfortable knowing you will have to wait a while for some of the big titles to come

this was poorly structured and badly written

oh well

[genocidepolice]

Me, being the Scooby-Doo fanatic I am, decided to make a complete timeline of all the Scooby-Doo content that include the animated series, animated movies, live action films, and possibly the worst Scooby rendition which was the puppet movie all in chronological order. I wanted to show how the gang and the animation style had changed throughout the years, so enjoy!

[genocidepolice]

Genocide Police:ghost in the shell review

or more accurately:

Genocide Police:bitching and complaining about my theater experience while watching ghost in the shell

yeah

ghost in the shell part 1:the actual movie for real

first things first

how was the movie

it was alright i mean i would probably even give it an “ok”/11

it wasnt awful but it definitely wasnt great either

it was entertaining enough but i probably wont bother watching it again

the best thing it had going for it was the visuals

the visual design was pretty great

especially these things

im done with this part

ghost in the shell part 2:initial impression

at first it was pretty good

the theater was mostly empty

i had a nice seat up in the top row

i had a dr pepper

there were downsides of course

my little brother being a shit and messing with his phone during the opening of the movie was annoying

but then the real problem started

a gaggle of assholes walked in

ghost in the shell part 3:the gaggle of assholes take center stage

these 4 fucking shitbags

i hate them

i dont know them but i hate them

they come in like 10 minutes into the movie talking extremely loud with their phones on full brightness

they continued like this for most of the duration of the movie

they practically yelled shit at each other

one guy kept fucking screeching at one of the others to watch their language

i think the highlight was them yelling out “this movie sucks” and “this is boring as shit” whenever dialogue was happening

i love the theater experience its got it all

-overpriced popcorn and pop

-sticky floors

-a nice big screen

-essentially taking my wallet out of my pocket and robbing me

but people like this make it hell to go see movies

at some point an usher came in and told them to stop being such jackasses

they didnt listen

about 20 minutes after this they make their loud obnoxious exit from the theater the same way they came in

ghost in the shell part 4:the end the end the end

i watched the rest of the movie

there was some stupid plot twist about the main character actually being asian i dont know

the final fight was pretty lackluster

the japanese guy was great though

for most of the movie he just sat around giving orders but during the climax he pulls out a revolver and starts gunning down enemies

now in the context of the established universe him using a revolver is pretty impractical and stupid but that didnt stop it from kicking ass

after that it ended

maybe ill watch the original some day ive heard its quite a bit better

this is over

[genocidepolice]

the Genocide Police easter special 1:i wonder what property with religious undertones i might cover

could it be the peanuts

spot on

easter special 1:part 1:if you stop and think about it easter is a really fucking weird holiday

we open on marcie heading over to pattys house to color eggs

the egg coloring scenes are the best part of this special

classic comedy

patty lets her in making sure to get off a “stop calling me sir” before closing the door

patty says she will make the dyes and tells marcie to prepare the eggs

she hops up on a stool and starts mixing the colors

we pan over to marcie frying the eggs

we cut to patty screaming in frustration

hilarious

also i know explaining a joke makes it lose a lot of what made it funny to begin with

and me explaining it makes it even less so

but i love these scenes 

while i might not always laugh at them they at least bring a smile to my face

you know what else brings a smile to my face

hating or in some way mocking members of the van pelt family

and guess who we meet up with after a brief run in with the title card

oh man its lucy van pelt

shes pestering schroeder about him getting her something for easter

hes having none of this shit

he goes off on her about how easter is about renewal and springtime

caught up in her own delusions she insists its the gift getting season

he tells her off again

suddenly were in the middle of a storm with woodstock freezing to death in his nest

he views this as enough of an inconvenience to go bitch about to snoopy

theres also this joke where he rides and invisible elevator down to the ground

for some reason the sun shines perfectly one yard over and our boy joe cool is completely fine

woodstock hops up onto him and starts screeching about something

probably his birdhouse

none of this has anything to do with snoopy why would he care

snoopy wrings all the water out of woodstock to dry him off

miraculously woodstock doesnt die horribly by having all of his bones crushed or his neck broken

snoopy walks on over to see what all the commotion is about

what a surprise it stoped raining

snoopy doesnt seem to get what woodstock is bitching about

woodstock does his invisible elevator joke again and pours the water out of his nest onto snoopy

what a cunt

we fade out on snoopys angry face

easter special 1:part 2:i think sally is bitching about shoes or some shit

we fade into sally complaining about having nothing to wear

the joke is that her closet is full of clothes and shoes

bitch and pumpkin boy roll onto the scene

lucy says something about shopping but is cut off by linus deciding now is as good of a time as any to preach his belief in the easter beagle

you know like his belief in the great pumpkin

sally immediately buys into it because shes fucking stupid

and just like that theyre on their way to the store

a convergence of friends

linus opens his fucking trap about the easter beagle again

sally leans over to chuck and asks if linus is alright in the head

a reasonable question considering the way linus acts and the things he professes to believe in

anyway they all head in

upon walking in they discover some sort of abomination “christmas in the middle of fucking april” sale

we get a good 30 seconds of sally and snoopy destroying the hat display and leaving it for the employees to fix like assholes

this is followed by like 20 seconds of them going up/down escalators

yeah

sally goes and trys on some fucking horrible platform shoes

she pretty much breaks her ankle and falls down

shes spouts out good ol charlie browns catchphrase while she falls the fucking thief

we cut to snoopy breaking a gumball machine

this is followed by this weird fucking scene where snoopy like looks an egg thing and then he sees himself dancing with bunnies

what the fuck

easter special 1:intermission:haha scooby doo

the plan here was to get a really shitty easter themed scooby doo coloring page

i couldnt find any so ill have to make do

this shit will work

absolutely hilarious

easter special 1:part 3:lets make eggs

we fade into a meeting of the gang

everyone seems to have whatever they came for

patty and marcie have some more eggs

sally had some shoes

everyone else has nothing

linus starts rambling about his fucking easter god

sally asks him if hes sure hes not fucking crazy

lucy screams at him

pretty regular stuff

we cut to our boy joe cool perusing the stores selection of birdhouses

i guess the assault from earlier made him decide to buy woodstock a birdhouse

he picks one out and walks over to the register

he pays for it in an animation they will re use later

we cut to snoopy hanging it up

woodstock flys up to the hole and complains about it being to small

a thing i always wondered about as a kid

i mean the holes on those things are fucking tiny how is a bird supposed to get in

anyway

snoopy assaults woodstock with the birdhouse possibly in an attempt to kill him

he hangs it back up and we fade out on woodstock suffering from a concussion

we fade back in on

oh god this fuck again

he starts spouting some shit about the easter beagle

sally seems to haved wised up to pumpkin boy being a fucking lunatic mentioning that this sounds eerily familiar to the night she sat in a cold wet pumpkin patch with the retard

all of her worries are put to rest when he says that this time is different

then she says something about liking and respecting him

i dont know why anyone would do that

he says the easter beagle wont let her down

she asks if linus will let her down

he has no response

and then the best scene in the special happens

i wont even explain it

showing it is better

i laugh every single time

the two take a stroll back down to the store

on the way they have a run in with linus who tries to indoctrinate marcie into his fucking cult

patty tells him to shut the fuck up and the two run off to the store

easter special 1:part 4:shopping and then some other shit

snoopy frightened by the loud sounds of construction coming from his friends house heads over to check it out

suddenly the construction stops and loud music takes its place

snoopy takes a look inside to see a 70s dream house

also fuck woodstock

he clearly has headphones on but is also plays the music out loud

what a jackass

snoopy shoves his nose in the hole and starts shaking the birdhouse around until in breaks apart

and just like that the two are off to the store

they meet up with patty and marcie

patty refers to snoopy ad old snoop and as usual refers to him as a kid

they head in

or well 3 of them head in

woodstock cant get the door to open

patty winds up all of the music boxes and then we get a short dance scene with some nice music

snoopy kisses both of them on the cheek and runs off

hes on a mission

a mission to buy the same birdhouse a second time

we get a repeat of the paying animation mentioned earlier

he hangs it up and presents it to woodstock

this time it has a ladder for some reason

we cut back to patty and marcie coloring eggs 

patty tells marcie to boil the eggs and goes back to mixing the colors

marcie wastes no time at all and cracks all 12 eggs into the boiling water

she realizes something is wrong and asks for patty to come over and look

her face when she realizes is amazing

patty comes over and sees that marcie has essentially made egg soup and screams

fantastic

we cut to patty unsure what to do now that marcie has ruined 3 dozen eggs and shes run out of money

linus starts spouting some more shit about the easter beagle

he continues this into the next scene

lucy starts coloring eggs while linus does this

she tells him to shut up

then she goes on a rant about what easter is really about in her opinion

coloring eggs

hiding eggs

and then finding eggs

she announces that she will be the one finding the eggs

she walks by placing each egg and marking down its location

as she walks away from each location we can see renowned thief joe cool stealing each egg and putting it in his basket

easter special 1:part 5:easter day or how blanket boy was proven right because snoopy is a fucking piece of shit

pay no mind to the title

somber music plays as the camera pans over some trees to patty and marcie

marcie is upset that they didnt get to color any eggs

sally is screaming at linus for being so fucking dumb

she asks where the easter beagle is

charlie sits alone on the step reflecting on his life

he says holidays are about getting together and asks why hes so alone

lucy screams that it will be the best easter egg hunt ever and that she will find them all

woodstock lays asleep in his birdhouse

we return to sally screaming in blanket kids face

and then

oh

oh whats this

what could that be coming over the horizon

joe you fucker

you just had to go and make it so that fucker was right didnt you

linus screams that the easter beagle is coming and everyone snaps around to see

he hops along tossing a stolen easter egg to everyone

even woodstock which is a bit insensitive

oh and he also runs out before he gets to chuck

lucy complains about snoopy giving her her own fucking egg

we cut to patty and marcie

marcie asks what to do with the easter eggs now

patty says to salt them a little and then eat them

then marcie pulls out some salt

salts the shell a little and just fucking bites down on it

the fucking maniac

10 weeks later lucy is still bitching about easter

she ramps up to go kick joe cools ass

snoopy kisses her on the cheek and we get the really out of character response of her not screaming about dog germs

then the credits roll

easter special 1:part 6:fuck its almost midnight shit shit fuck

yeah this is over

im cutting the post close to being late

at least where i live

i could get away with a different time zone but fuck it

see you guys next time

ive got some plans

[genocidepolice]

the Genocide Police april fools day special 1:these arent jokes

the original plan was to do a fake review of stone ocean because of how much i fucking hate it

instead ill just steal other peoples april fools shit under the guise of reviewing it

april fools 1:part 1:the shitty chatting app with the dog filter

snapchat

this one isnt all that funny its just a shitty instagram filter on it

i know theres history behind it and maybe if i knew it i would laugh

as it stands though im pretty disappointed so far

april fools 1:part 2:nvidia

i dont have an nvidia card

i use amd

this could change in the future but as it stands i dont intend to get an nvidia card

the nvidia joke is a thumb drive that installs an ai to play games for you

i laughed

not all that much but enough

despite my lack of interest in nvidia outside of things i cant afford i would love to have this thumb drive

it looks pretty interesting

although really i would love to have and thumb drive

i would love to have mine actually

i lost it and it has files i need back on it

april fools 1:part 3:scamday 2

i dont know the exact numbers but ive poured far too much money and time into payday 2s dlc

not helped by its updates taking hours for a couple of bug fixes

oh well

its joke this year is a fake dlc page for ethan from h3h3

it has lines recorded

they modeled some beanies

they could have gone further and actually had an ethan model but i dont expect them to go that far for a simple april fools joke

april fools 1:part 4:the highlight of the day

adult swims joke wasnt a joke as much as it was a gift

instead of airing dragon ball super they aired the rick and morty season 3 premiere

theyre also livestreaming it on repeat until midnight in case you read this in time

its a good episode

april fools 1:part 5:other shit

8bit bayonetta has hit steam

its achievements lead to a site counting down to april 11th so its likely bayonetta is actually coming to steam

google home from what i know is just another amazon alexa style thing you willingly put in your house to spy on you

the google joke is shit

its just the google home done up to look like a gnome

thats the entire joke

whopper toothpaste

cartoon network putting googly eyes on everyone

theres some others

april fools 1:part 6:its over

this isnt all that great

it could be worse

it could be what it was originally and be a long rant about dragons dream

until easter

goodbye

[genocidepolice]

the Genocide Police st patricks day special 1:a tradition i have no history with and an easy target for unfunny alcoholism jokes

the subtitle here has little to nothing to do with whats to come

its funny because his life is falling apart and his friends and family desperately want to help him

st patricks day special 1:part 1:lets dive face first into hell

perfect

i probably should have taken this picture before i clicked on the newgrounds page

wait i know

fantastic

time to suffer

i think ill start with some animations

it wasnt funny

also it was from 2006 

the punchline was that she was drunk but it was actually apple juice

which is also another joke because hard apple cider

this has set a high bar

oh boy this one has a play button

what

ok so rainbow thing here walks on screen

walks isnt the right word

hobbles on screen is more accurate

every time it moves it plays this horrible stock bouncing sound effect

the irish flag with a clock and a hat arrives to the tune of the same awful sound

oh god the voices

they both have awful text to speech voices

something about the rainbow one being gay is said

rainbow guy wishes he was irish and not gay

what the fuck did i stumble on to

irish guy makes the gay one into the sims logo

something about the gay one wanting to kiss the irish guy

the irish one ran off and the gay one kissed the screen

i guess this thing stole the irish ones hat

meh

oh god when is this from

2007

this genuinely baffles me what the fuck just happened

i feel like i was assaulted

nothing about the description helps

maybe i have to watch the other ones this guy made to get it

lets do that

play is misspelled

good start

mulester

you know what

maybe i dont want to do this anymore

we start as any good story does

with a televised suicide

the fucking news clock announces that michael jackson is disguised as a clock and is going to being doing what he does in all bad michael jackson jokes from 2007

raping kids

after this he says he could be michael

he promptly shoots himself

this has broken the standard the first thing set this is awful

im skipping some of this

strawberry and i guess it could be a blueberry tell orange and the sims logo that michael jackson is on the loose

fantastic

michael stops at the arcade making sure to treat us to some good old fashioned police brutality before going in

he walks out with a child and says something about neverland ranch 

the police hear and freak out

it ends

well technically it says to be continued but im not watching more of this

this has been derailed and i see only one back to talking about st patricks day

st patricks day special 1:intermission:haha coloring pages

jokes on you its actually dress up games instead this time

good

now were talking

hilarious

st patricks day special 1:part 2:more of the same

ive had about enough of newgrounds

about enough here meaning much more than enough

ive also had my fill on derailing the subject to talk about shitty 2000s era jokes

this looks just the right amount of absolutely atrocious

that is until i mouse over it and it says its going to redirect me to a url that looks less than trustworthy

looks like were settling for this shit

this is just more of the unfunny shit i put in the intermission

god damn it

yeah thats fantastic

oh look a video

its just passive plays but with worse production

watch passive plays

actually just watch quinton reviews in general

ok so what next

i mean i could probably talk about this fucking nightmare

but ill save that for next year so i have an excuse to do another one of these

i know what actually comes next

st patricks day special 1:part 3:premature ending

this ones shorter than the others

mainly because with how much time i ending up giving myself in the end

like 2 days

i didnt have much to cover

next year ill cover the leprechaun movie

and also that weird fucking youtube video

goodbye

[genocidepolice]

good news bad news and news related to the bad news

so by now anyone who cares enough to check up on this blog will notice the distinct lack of a valentines day special

long story short its not happening

by the way thats the bad news

or maybe the good news depending on your opinion of me

the actual story is more complex than that

first things first

whatever the fuck this is part 1:the bad news

ok so this has to go back about a month

i started work on the valentines day special

it was going alright

miraculously it looked like it would be on time let alone happening at all

this goes on pretty well until the weekend before valentines day

at that point it all goes to shit

recordings are interrupted or cant happen for various reasons

premiere starts being a temperamental little shit and not wanting to open

so i push it back

“it should be out a week late” is what i said

and it looked like it would

and then my premiere file corrupted

it was at this point that i gave up

long story short again

it was all good and then it wasnt anymore fuck you or in this case fuck me

yeah that

this is all without accounting for my own laziness which after i missed the initial deadline only made it worse

yeah part 2:the news related to the bad news

to make up for this shitshow next year i plan on making 2 valentines day specials

hopefully that will actually happen

thats really all this is

maybe this didnt justify its own part

fuckfuckfuck part 3:the good news

or really just other news

next i plan on covering something new but if i dont finish that soon the next holiday i will be covering is saint patricks day

in terms of what i want to cover there are a few things

jojo 

although this is unlikely to happen

well

its unlikely to happen until the best part gets its anime announced

that part is vento aureo

ill be covering the live action scooby doo movie for the anniversary of the awful first post here

maybe a couple of games

the nintendo switch at some point

that point being at the earliest 2 or 3 months after launch because fuck trying to get that thing at launch

black mesa is supposed to be finished this year but that doesnt seem like the easiest thing to cover so well see

the watchmen movie at some point

i have missed my chance to review the lego batman movie

there will be other things and none of this is guaranteed to happen but expect at least some of it

this is over

sorry

[genocidepolice]

yeah

[genocidepolice]

scooby doo part 9:part 3:lets just get this shit over with

and once again i find myself in this shitty situation ive forced myself into

the shitty situation being aloha scooby doo

oh well

what a cold and depressing picture in these warm and welcoming times we live in

i dont remember where i leftoff

the beach was there

what im saying is i lost the timecode

im just going to use that to justify skipping most of the movie because sitting down and watching this is actually terrible

lets go

scooby doo part 9:part 3:part 1:where are we now

25 minutes from the end is where

we open on velma screaming that theyre surrounded on all sides

they are

they panic and run away leading to what may be the greatest scene in the movie

like holy shit

they stopped drawing the tiki fuckers and started using cg at some point durring the half hour i skipped and its fucking terrible

its not lit the same way and is so poorly composited

i cant believe that this got through production looking this fucking bad

theyre trapped

no escape

shaggy screams about how they are “doomed dooooomed”

scooby faints and wouldnt you know it

he finds a conveniently placed exit

fuck this movie

they run through the cave chased by early 2000s shitty cgi and then turn a corner

now this is fucking horrible

so many cartoons and movies do this same shit and i hate it

the enemy is right behind out hero chasing them down

and then the hero takes a turn while fully visible to the enemy and the enemy just keeps running ahead

its fucking stupid

so anyway

they wander around for a minute or two accomplishing nothing

shaggy and scooby get scared by nothing and almost dive head first into lava

do it

jump

end the movie

they dont jump

the gang walks around for another minute or so

theres something about a sacrificial altar i dont know or care

then they run into whats her face from the begging of the movie

yeah her

so she screams and runs away

im not sure why but im sure it has to do with whatever the main villains name was

the number one part of this is fred waiting a second or two after shes run off to yell at her to wait

its so awkward i love it

tiki monster enters the stage

fred tries to scare it off with one of the tiki charms scam guy was selling earlier in the movie

they run and hide behind pillars

scooby doo part 9:part 3:part 2:why stand your ground and do what you said you would when you can make bad life decisions

the title here is in reference to what scooby and shaggy do while they hide

fred tells them to run out and get tiki fucks attention

shaggy responds logically

i dont feel like getting real quotes but it goes like this

“fuck you fred were not going to go get ourselves killed you dumb piece of shit”

fred insists on it

“like no really fred fuck off this wont be happening”

velma offers a scooby snack to do it

“what do you think i am retarded im not going to die for a scooby snack”

she offers them macadamia nut flavored scooby snax which i think was a joke set up near the beginning of the movie but i dont really remember

at this point they decide they are probably going to die anyway so why die hungry

we cut to the tiki man screaming at the pillars scoob and the rest of the fucks are hiding behind

scooby and shaggy begin the distraction

oh yeah

perfect

theres no way this wont work

other than the tiki running at them like a bull

it might not work then

they climb on top of a statue to prolong the inevitable

during the 10 or so seconds of shaggy running around you see the rest of the gang just walk away and leave them to die in the background

velma daphne and fred watch as the living tiki slowly smashes the statue ready to kill scooby and shaggy

the best part of this is that while velma and daphne are horrified fred just turns to them and gives them a sly smile and a thumbs up like

“haha all part of the plan”

they throw rocks down to stop im out of unfunny ways to say tiki man

this causes tiki boy to fall into the lava

er well almost fall into the lava

the fact that he is able to narrowly escape by grabbing part of the rock is complete bullshit

he just climbs back up

we then get a classic running through doors scooby doo sequence exept its not doors its a cave

oh well

this falls victim to one of the most annoying things in animation

walk cycles not matching movement speeds and resulting in sliding

its terrible the walk cycle moves at one speed but the character just slides along at a different speed with their movements not matching up with how fast theyre moving along

now look i understand that animation is hell and getting one thing wrong can lead to nightmarish amounts of extra work but this shit just looks lazy and terrible

although that point is minor and is honestly just a nitpick considering how much ive been shitting on this movie this entire time

oh yeah they also throw tiki humanoid into a wall which causes a cave in that clearly crushed tiki boy and should have killed him and also everyone else

oh yeah they also got hawaiian girl to join them at some point durring this shitshow

they also do a weird out of place indiana jones parody where velma drops her glasses as a conveniently door shaped rock comes down she nearly gets crushes diving back under and getting them across just in time

girl i dont care to remember the name of whines about surfer man being gone and leads the gang into an extremely obvious trap

fred very very awkwardly yells for the tiki man to stop when it grabs the girl

its really bad he just says “hey stop” but he spaces them out by like 3 seconds its terrible

he also holds up the tiki charm thing again

it doesnt work

he complains that it doesnt work despite this only being one of many times it hasnt

the door to the room closes trapping mystery inc inside

oh yeah the room is also full of snakes

shaggy once again references indiana jones by declaring that he hates snakes

some other shit happens im sure

shaggy materializes a banjo and begins playing

somehow he knows how to charm snakes

they escape the room

theres a weird waterfall slide sequence

how there is a waterfall in an active volcano i dont feel like thinking about

they find the tiki monsters from earlier and find out they are robots

there are several reasons this makes no sense 

mainly the fact that it implies that when activated they all do the same thing

this goes against the fact that earlier each one did its own thing

its bullshit

we could probably also get into the fact that even now we have barely been able to make robots walk on their own so rigging at least one hundred of these let alone just one would be impossible at the time this was made

fuck it

theres also a machine that pours water into the volcano to make steam to make people think its erupting

this goes againt the one actual real eruption early in the film

it feels like the idea to be in hawaii was thought of and put into production before the script was written

although knowing these weird straight to video scooby doo movies that wouldnt surprise me

they find an exit and leave now ready to fucking destroy the tiki guy with all of this evidence

scooby doo part 9:part 3:part 3:dude its the big surfing contest everyone is gonna be there

we open on ellen welcoming everyone to the unfunny name surfing contest

some guy is talking shit about the volcano with big angry racist guy from before

“dont just talk the talk walk the walk faggot”

oh well

the gang recaps the plan they should already know and get ready for the contest to start

theres a brief surfing montage that exists only to show daphne in a bikini although it could also be argued its because of her weirdly well developed interest in surfing

like really theres several movies where she surfs and she also does it a couple of times in some of the cartoons

its a really weird character trait to attach to daphne

oh also big surprise the volcano “erupts” and tiki cunt rolls onto the scene

also hes done this several times and ive just ignored it but

how can the tiki fucker breathe fire

like really

its just a guy in a suit a fact ill be bitching more about soon so how is he able to actually breathe fire 

like if it was a projection like in that one movie with the hex girls and vampires and shit id be fine with it despite that still not making much sense

but no this is real actual fire what the hell

he breathes/vomits several fireballs at scooby and shaggy nearly killing them

he catches the glider thing fred is riding for some reason on fire

and then

holy shit this is fucking terrible

and then daphne puts it out by doing a spin on her surfboard

theres a montage of the tiki chasing scooby and shaggy around on surfboards

he crashes and washes up on shore

is it finally going to end

they unmask him

its hawaiian stereotype guy from the beginning

also his girlfriend was involved somehow

it was some real estate scam i guess

theres some shit about his girlfriend having degrees in rocket science and robots or some shit but i dont really care about the motivation of this shitty villain or how they did it i care about the design

and oh boy is it bad

this doesnt work

for scale heres a shot of him earlier in the movie

theres no way his arms go out that far or his legs go down that far

its all wrong its fucking horrible on the eyes

the big hawaiian guy is appalled at that fact that he would do this to his own people

whatever

also he finds some time to fit his hatred of other people into his finishing line about meddling kids by calling them meddling mainlanders

scooby wins the surfing contest 

he and shaggy get a years worth of macadamia nuts so i guess that weird joke got a punchline of sorts

theres some other shit right before the credits im not going to talk about

its over

and with that we come to something else

scooby doo part 9:part 3:part 4:something else

this is it

i hated this movie

a lot

it went from being a joke i kept around throughout the posts to being actual hatred

if this were a movie that was less terrible it probably would have been over in less than a month let alone 2-3

not even quality wise i mean less terrible as in more watchable

i massively underestimated how unreasonably boring this movie was

oh well thats over now

this is also over now

this being the scooby doo parts

and over being not really over

the vague numbered post thing worked early on when the content was a lot shorter and a lot worse but has just become an annoying thing to keep doing

the scooby doo posts will remain un numbered from now on

also i dont know what ill be covering next but dont be surprised if there isnt a new post until valentines day

i have something big planned but it might require all of my time and attention to get done so while i want to have something between this and that knowing me dont expect it to actually get done

the valentines day thing will be happening though

see you then

[genocidepolice]

theres a youtube now

ill talk more about it and what i plan to do with it when part 9 ends

yeah

ill see you then

[genocidepolice]

totinos pizza sticks review

when i sat down to eat these things a couple of thoughts came to mind

first

i feel like i need a drink for this

so i got up and got a mr pibb or well pibb xtra i guess

after retrieving that i had a second thought

man i only have like 10 days to do the next part of part 9

the second thought was dispelled as i took the first bite of a pizza stick

overall i think it was pretty alright

i mean im probably going to eat them again but if they were a failure and totinos stopped selling them i probably wouldnt care

im sure we all understand that the appeal of these things is that they are just long pizza rolls or alternatively skinny hot pockets

i should put a picture of them here

yeah they look like that

similar to their older brother the pizza roll they taste pretty alright

this was a waste of time

part 9 part whatever will be out before january is over even if that means its uploaded at 1159 pm on the 31st

this is over now

wait no i forgot

the rating is 23/14 

this is actually over now

[genocidepolice]

the Genocide Police new years special 1:the year in the review but kinda not really

for the past 12 or so days ive been thinking about how i would do this

i knew this would happen because even if i had to work from 1200 am on the 31st to 1159 pm on the 1st i would force myself to get it done

ive been lacking in terms of content production and even if i know theres only like 10 people who read these pieces of shit i want to be consistent when making it

it legitimately upsets me to one day tell my friend that a post will come out the next day only for it to be pushed back for a week because im too lazy to finish it

i think this rant is over now

this would be about the charlie brown new years special but i guess ill save that for next year

instead im just going to talk about random things that watched or played last year

also ‘watched or played last year’ doesnt necessarily mean that it came out last year

this introduction has gotten long enough im moving on

new years special 1:part 1:doom 2016

doom 2016 is an amazing game but why tell you when i can show you

lets boot it up

even from just looking at the title screen when you boot up the game you know its going to be an extremely bloody adventure filled with heavy metal and ripping demons in half with your bare hands

the way the embers of a flame float up onto the screen the slight distortion of the picture simply beautiful

ill just go through part of the first level to give you an idea of what its like

obviously being a doom game we go with the hardest difficulty available

immediately youre thrust into the action smashing a demons head in and fighting off two more demons

the second enemy type is introduced

the imp

theyre pretty spooky they jump around and throw fireballs and shit

you go out to mars and fight more demons

its a good game you should play it if you can run it

every level ends with a splash page with all the secrets you found your kill effectiveness and if you completed the challenges for the level

were done with doom now

new years special 1:part 2:this isnt how batman works fuck this isnt even how superman works

yeah were talking about batman v superman

i didnt watch man of steel but i know superman just decides to kill zod at the end

im not going to review this entire movie ill just talk about the parts that made me extremely angry

first

jolly rancher guy

this isnt lex luthor

fucking hell this is barely even a character

his important traits consist of eating jolly ranchers and acting like the shitty not joker from gotham 

also i know some people like gotham and im not one to shit on other peoples opinions but gotham is bad theres no way around it

whats next

oh right the guys in the title

ben affleck does a good job as batman

does batman need to be killing people left and right

no but i think thats zack snyders fault more than anything

dead superman was boring

he isnt really a character he only exists to talk to lois lane once and die while wearing the superman costume

also lets talk about doomsday

so here we have an orc

this isnt what doomsday looks like

its pretty close but not quite

doomsday being in the second dc movie was a stupid terrible idea

i dont like the marvel movies all that much and i think that even the ones i do like have shit horrible villains but at least they know not to put someone like the person that killed superman in the second movie of the franchise

in the theater i heard people shocked that superman died at the end

i try not to think of myself as better than other people but if you saw doomsday in the trailer and didnt know superman was going to die i really dont know what to say to you

of course maybe it was shock that dc and warner bros were stupid enough to do this in the second movie

i dont think i could ever stress how angry batman v superman makes me its one of the worst superhero movies ive ever seen

im not counting suicide squad as a superhero movie because that would require me to acknowledge it as a film 

suicide squad definitely isnt a film suicide squad is an insult to movie making as a whole in fact im going to stop talking about it now before i get angry and break something

im moving on before i break something

new years special 1:part 3:rogue one

its good

its really good

i think it might be as good or better than the force awakens

its not as good as the original trilogy but thats probably just because i grew up watching the original trilogy over and over again on vhs until the tape was so warped that it was borderline unwatchable

also k2s0 was worth the price of admission alone the rest of the movie only make him better

cgi tarkin was a but mars needs moms at times but that might be the fault of imax i dont think it was optimized for such a big screen

cgi leia looked a lot better but that was probably just because she was on screen for like 4 seconds

it also sucks that carrie fisher died right after the movie came out

new years special 1:part 4:zeppelis death

the first zeppeli

im not going to talk about caesar because all that will do is upset me 

i like caesar too much

no were talking about william zeppeli from phantom blood

its a pretty emotional moment

the big vampire guy who wasnt standout enough for me to even try remembering his name rips zeppeli in half

zeppeli then like dbz bullshit gives all of his hamon energy to jonathan

jonathan murders the vampie guy and then holds zeppeli in his arms as he dies

the end

we move on the the rest of phantom blood which while its still enjoyable and was great the first time through is probably the worst part of jojos bizarre adventure

new years special 1:part 5:overwatch

ive been dreading this

i hate overwatch

i actually hate overwatch

i play it from time to time but it isnt a good game

it lacks a lot of content none of the heroes are really balanced theyre all just kinda shoved in there and youre just supposed to act like blizzard knows what its doing

maybe its a sign that the game wasnt finished when it came out if in the same year of release you had to completely rework a character

then theres the shitshow of the sombra arg

we all loved skycode

ana being released as underwhelming and then being overshadowed by 3 or 4 months of garbage leading up to the release of the worse character in the game

sombra

im sure some people will claim i just hate it because im bad

which is kinda right

i am bad but im also bad at several of the games i absolutely love

new years special 1:part 6:this is over now

i wish i could have made this better

this is probably one of the worse posts ive made recently

recently being the past 2 months

but looking back at the first couple i made its definitely not the worst ive ever made

oh well

see you never time when i continue part 9 later this month

bye for now

[genocidepolice]

review of sweet tart rope

its a lot like regular sweet tarts which is to say it tastes like chalk and feels like sand when you chew it although this shit is kinda chewy so its more like chewing on ruberbands covered in expired pixie stick dust if you like sweet tarts buy it if you dont like sweet tarts this wont change your mind 3/14 is my rating this is over now

[genocidepolice]

scooby doo part 9:part 3:what the fuck something doesnt feel right

welcome back

what a warm welcoming picture during these cold cold times we live in

so where did i leave off

i think there was a beach

i forget

who cares i kept the timecode so i could continue it

lets go

scooby doo part 9:part 3:part 1:dancing in the moonlight lmao

fuck i want to stop already

ok so there was a beach

so we cut to the beach and

and

wait a minute

i hear something

am i hearing what i think i hear

no it cant be

oh no

i think it is

get fucked loser its actually the christmas special

eat shit lmao

the Genocide Police christmas special 1:the one where they do that stupid dance

dont worry ill try to actually finish scooby doo part 9 sometime in january

or maybe ill start part 10 before i finish part 9 wouldnt that be needlessly confusing and inconvenient 

christmas special 1:part 1:now that im done fucking owning your ass we can actually start

we open on several notable peanuts characters as well as a couple less notable ones ice skating

this image of seasonal fun is immediately juxtaposed with charlie brown solemnly walking through the snow with what seems to be his only friend linus van pelt

based on the color of the sky here they walk for a good while

but in the next couple of shots its bright out again so maybe they walked into a fucking temporal rift along the way to the somewhat iconic brick wall

anyway

charlie brown tells linus that he thinks theres something wrong with him because he likes everything about christmas but he doesnt feel happy because no matter how hard he tries he always ends up feeling depressed during christmas time

this is of course despite the fact that chuck here feels depressed during every time regardless of whether or not its a holiday

linus ignores his friends pleads for someone to listen to him and assist him in getting help in favor of making a joke about how charlie brown is never fucking happy even during the wonderful season of christmas

linus thats kind of a dick thing to do

they arrive on the opening scence and

oh shit a tracking shot of joe fucking cool ice skating fuck those other guys

he does a couple of spins and then loops around and grabs lucy and violet forcing them to form a skating line

everyone else joins in (minus charles and linus) and have a great time before snoopy gets bored of them and throws them to the side

charlie and linus approach the old dog who then loses his shit and assaults charlie brown using linus as a weapon

he grabs his weapon of choice

catches chuck in his trap

swings him around

and then slams him into a tree and fucking title cards the blockheaded dumb ass

we cut to charlie brown staring out the window probably thinking about the meaning of life or some similar shit

he gets bored of it quickly and decides to grab his coat and head out into the snowy wasteland to check the mail

there isnt any mail

charles comments that he knows no one likes him and asks himself why holidays have to exist to emphasize that point to him

i mean i like good ol chuck but all of his friends seem to just regard him as ‘that one kid we talk to thats depressed all the time’ its quite sad really

he sees violet out in the snow and decides to be a passive aggressive cunt and sarcastically thanks her for the christmas card she didnt send him

she tells him she didnt send him a card and then just walks off into the snow

he is upset that she doesnt seem to know what the fuck sarcasm is

he stops by pigpins snowman

a snowman somehow covered in dirt made by a kid who probably just needs a shower who is also probably going to freeze to death in the cold because he isnt wearing a jacket or anything

we cut to patty explaning how to eat snowflakes to linus lucy and schroeder for some reason who knows

linus maskes a joke about how they taste like they need salt

lucy makes some elitist comment about how she wait until january for the best snowflakes

then they just start throwing snowballs at a can for no reason

oh yeah charlie also shows up

linus gets tired of this shit and uses his blanket to catapult a snowball into the can and walks away

charlie walks away

he seeks psychiatric help only to see that the doctor is out

schroeder tells lucy she has a customer and she rushes right over ready to act like she knows things and potentially make charlies life worse

the doctor is real in

so our boy chuck starts listing off his problems and the questions associated with them but is cut short by our resident fake doctor

this advice is going to cost you cold hard cash charlie

well 5 cents

1 nickel

i know it doesnt sound like much today but back then im sure it was a price only kings could pay

oh

i guess not

so he coughs up the tiny amount of money and asks lucy why hes depressed

she procedes to list of several phobias that im too lazy to lookup and see if theyre real so well just assume they are

charlie screams about something i wasnt paying attention for a second

then lucille gives in and says maybe being in charge of the christmas play would cheer him up

whatever its something

she lists off all the things they already have prepared

charlie is uncertain and voices this concern by telling her that he has no fucking clue how to direct a play

she says hell do fine and that he just needs to meet her at the auditorium

she says she can relate with charlie about being depressed on christmas

she gets it too because she never gets what she wants

what she wants is real estate something i dont think there is any feasible way for santa (her parents) to bring her

oh well

christmas special 1:part 2:places people

charles walks off with joe cool and holy shit is the music that plays while he does this fucking groovy as shit sadly i cant find it anywhere so youll just have to either believe me or watch it yourself

they arrive at snoopys doghouse where snoopy begins decorating it with ornaments and lights

he also apparently painted it blue for the holidays

charlie screams at snoopy to ask him what the fuck all this shit is

not missing a beat snoopy rushes over and hands him the flier for the local christmas decoration contest

this is all it took for charlie to fucking lose it he cant believe this even his god damn dog is a sellout piece of shit

he storms off before his anger consumes him and makes him commit some form of animal abuse

his sister stops him and essentially forces him to write her santa letter for her

he says hes busy but he will help anyway

she starts by proclaiming how great shes been this year and how many amazing presents she deserves

she lists off a ton of shit

charlie is visibly annoyed at this point

she says that if its too many presents just to get her money

charlie loses it

he walks off even angrier that everyone is in it for the money

we cut to the forever iconic dancing just before charlie brown arrives

lucy tells everyone to shut the fuck up the director is almost here

someone asks about who the hell the director is

she says its charlie brown

everyone panics

if charles is in charge this will be a fucking disaster

charlie walks in ready to direct

everyone claps like they didnt just insult him and say he was going to ruin everything

well everyone but snoopy

snoopy boos at him

what an asshole

charlie goes through the motions of what hell do when he wants the actors to do something 

things like look to stage right or left

cut

slow down

you know basic stuff im assuming

i dont have any experience on the set of a play

they immediately disregard this and go back to dancing

they dance for a good minute or so before charlie scrams through his horn thing there to stop this shit

he makes lucy hand out scripts and costumes

the roles everyone is assigned arent important to me

except pigpin

pigpen is the innkeeper

“despite my outward appearance i will try to keep a neat and tidy inn”

comedy fucking gold

oh yeah snoopy is also every single animal in the play

lucy acts like a total cunt for a minute or so and snoopy kisses her

she screams something about dog germs and runs off

charlie berates her and makes her finish giving out the scripts

she screams about his blanket 

as usual

he refuses to give it up 

as usual

she gives up and just lets him 

as usual

and nothing of value comes out of the confrontation

as usual

charlie tells piano kid to set the mood

he plays the classic peanuts christmas music

charlie makes him stop and sees what the fuck is going on

why arent his actors acting

curly hair girl im is bitching about pigpin ruining her curly hair

you see this is a problem because the fact that her hair is curly is her only existing character trait

charlie assigns sally as linus wife

you see its funny because she love him but blanket boy doesnt love her

lucy asks about her part as the christmas queen

she asks if charlie thinks shes beautiful

charlie doesnt respond prompting threats of violence

he tells everyone to get to their places its time to start

they break out into dancing again

lucy is down with it but charlie has had enough of this shit

he tells for everyone to stop

he complains that it isnt coordinated enough

someone offers up the idea that maybe they need a christmas tree

everyone is on board for charlie leaving because fuck that guy right

he takes linus and goes on his way to find a christmas tree

christmas special 1:intermission:i know what christmas needs

There has been something missing and i think ive finally figured out what

oh yeah

perfect

im ready

mmmmmm feeling great

my eyes are loving it

anime makes everything better

christmas special 1:part 3: this isnt a healthy tree

similar to the films opening chuck and linus head out into the snow however this time they arent looking for friends theyre looking for a christmas tree

they arrive at the place thats selling them and are surrounded by options

but charlie doesnt want a fake tree he seems to think its against the spirit of the holiday

he wants a real tree

and boy do they have a real tree

oh yeah

this is the tree for charlie brown

so they decide to take the chemo tree and head back to share the good news

we cut to schroeders beautiful piano playing

lucy is displeased that he is playing beethoven and not some other boring christmas song like jingle bells

i think snoopy dances on the piano for a second or two

he actually plays jingle bells for her out of pity

she isnt happy because for some reason she doesnt think that hes playing it the right way or something

she makes him do it over a couple of times and then asks if he got her a christmas present

he didnt

she storms off

chuck and blanket boy arrive

everyone sees his tree and take turns relentlessly bullying charlie brown

good grief 

he just cant take it

he asks linus what christmas is all about

linus walks out on stage and retells the birth of christ

he walks back and tells charlie thats what christmas is all about

charlie picks up his tree and walks out in the snow now ready to decorate it and show them how wonderful christmas is

they follow not too far behind

charlie is shocked that snoopy won 1st place but says he wont let it get him down

he takes an ornament off of snoopys dog house and places it on his tree

it falls over convincing charlie that it had died

he walks off defeated

his friends walk up and decide that they should decorate the tree for him

they remove all of the decorations from snoopys dog house and place them on the tree

lucy even comments that despite how dumb he is charlie still managed to get a nice tree

they share a quiet moment before beginning to sing 

charlie returns and joins in

a heartfelt ending

christmas special 1:part 4:the end

despite how i treat them in these posts i do genuinely love the charm most of the peanuts specials have

scooby doo in another story

but that can wait until next year

see you next time in 2017

goodbye

[genocidepolice]

the Genocide Police thanksgiving special 1:better late then never

oh man remember when i said there wouldnt be weeklong gaps between updates

yeah that fell through pretty fast

today were doing a charlie brown thanksgiving because outside of this special there arent many thanksgiving themed things to cover

but for christmas there are like 4000 specials like holy shit id be set for life if i started to only cover christmas specials on this shit blog

but no that wont be happening

moving on

thanksgiving special 1:part 1:kick it blockhead

it being the football

blockhead being chuck

we open on lucy van pelt holding the football telling charlie to stop being such an ass and just kick it

charles cant fucking believe this shit made clear by the fact that he says

“i just cant believe it”

he says that her wanting him to do this implies that she thinks hes dumb enough to fall for it

she isnt wrong in thinking that because he is dumb enough to fall for it

in fact he always has fallen for it and at the rate hes going always will fall for it

this doesnt stop his ill fated attempts to tell her no however

she calmly asks why he wont do it

he responds by angrily (and correctly) stating that shes just going to pull it away so he can land flat on his back and kill himself

hes right of course

she easily convinces him by giving him some bullshit speech about how great football is and how kicking the football is a huge important tradition and hes immediately ready to give up and just do it

he talks to himself about how kicking off the football on thanksgiving is a huge honor

too bad that isnt what he will be doing

he proclaims that hes going to kick it straight to the moon

ill give you one guess what doesnt happen

lucille walks up to our hero charlie brown mocking the sad situation hes gotten himself into by proclaiming that some traditions just fade away

title screen

snoopy and woodstock are dressed as pilgrims i think

its not really important

we cut to snoopy climbing out of the mailbox and taking all the mail

charlie seems upset

sally asks her older brother whats wrong

he says nothing is wrong he was just checking the mail

she asked what the fuck someone would have mailed him

he dodges the question and states that holidays always depress him

but i dont think thats entirely true given that most things seem to depress him

in fact i think charlie brown actually needs help and no one is seeing his obvious cries for it

sally ignores this and starts complaining about her own much less serious problems

like how theyre already selling christmas shit in late november

or how she has to write a paper in class about thanksgiving shit

pumpkin kid rolls onto the scene and asks what all the commotion is

chuck says something along the lines of thanksgiving just being another holiday to worry about

sally screams about how she hasnt even finished all her halloween candy yet

linus interjects with some bullshit about thanksgiving being an important holiday and sally forgets whatever point she had and tells her older brother about how cute the boy who will never love her is

linus asks about their thanksgiving plans and chuck explains that theyre going up to his grandmas house for dinner

man it would be a shame if something got in the way of that plan

a real shame

thanksgiving special 1:part 2:a real shame indeed charles

so patty (the peppermint variety) calls up to invite herself to thanksgiving dinner at old chucks house ruining his existing plans

he attempts to tell her that she cant

but its no use

mainly because she wont listen to what hes trying to say to her and just keeps talking over him

patty hangs up and sally asks chuck whats wrong

he explains that peppermint patty is coming over for thanksgiving dinner but they wont even be home

oh brother what a disaster

priscila calls back

twice actually

both times to invite even more people into chucks life

first marcie and than franklin

charlie sighs and proclaims that hes lost control

linus asks what the fucks wrong with him

prompting charlie brown (always the optimist) to say that if he cant figure out what to do about thanksgiving dinner patty will hate him forever

i think thats a bit of a stretch but alright charles jesus christ

linus asks when charlie is heading to his grandmothers house

charlie says about 430 which sounds hellish thats a pretty early dinner what the fuck dude

linus offers up the (not at all) easy solution of having 2 dinners

not seeming to understand the logistics of making a dinner large enough to feed at least 5 or 6 people he tells chuck to cook one before he leaves to have with his friends

what the fuck linus

charlie retorts that he only knows how to make cereal or toast

not a very filling dinner i would imagine

linus orders resident slave joe cool to set up the table for their incredibly short notice dinner 

snoopy goes to get woodstock to help him i guess and they get up to some comedic antics

like catapulting woodstock out of his nest

or some shit with a bike

or mortal peril

or getting fucking smashed by a table

or playing ping pong alone

or being repremanded by a kid who believes in pumpkin jesus for not getting the chairs and table set up like he told you

yeah all kinds of hilarious antics

oh yeah and then one of the chairs comes to life and engages itself in a fight with snoopy

thats pretty fucked

thanksgiving special 1:intermission:bad thanksgiving based coloring

lets do some coloring to get into the mood of the season

oh yeah that will work fucking perfectly

perfect

im feeling even more thankful

lets keep watching

thanksgiving special 1:part 3:dinner at 3:30 or 4:00 pm

we see patty and marcie talking about what they should wear

or rather marcie asking patty what she should wear

patty says not to worry about it chucks a pretty casual dude

franklin enters the scene

he says charlie told him to come over early

so they head over immediately

they do however leave charles linus and joe cool just enough time for a insane cooking montage with some extra time leftover to set the table

first the table cloth is put on

then shit gets wild

they make more toast than the 6 of them could conceivably eat

and for good measure like 6 pounds of popcorn too

like holy shit guys

i know youre feeding a good number of people but cool it on the popcorn

chef joe cool sets the table

and then gets in the thanksgiving spirit with woodstock

oh yeah

they look ready to hand out smallpox and other diseases like nobodys fucking business

charlie brown rains on their parade however by telling them to get out of their stupid cosplay and get ready to serve food

like jesus christ snoopy chucks life is hard enough already without you pulling shit like this

the guests of honor show up and are taken to the ping pong table they will be eating off of

they sit down all ready to eat

and then patty has to open her mouth and ask if theyre going to say a prayer

fucking hell

so linus tells the story of some people i was probably taught about in middle school but have no real recollection of

then he says some historically significant prayer

something about new land and being thankful and im pretty sure some jesus was in there for good measure

patty says amen and its time to eat

snoopy then ruins all the toast by shuffling it like a deck of cards with his dirty fucking paws

he makes a plate of shit for each kid and dishes them out accordingly

and soon peppermint pattys opinion on the whole ordeal goes from happiness

to disappointment

to regret

and finally she lands on anger

she begins screaming and listing off a ton of food she was expecting to have

turkey

gravy

cranberry sauce

other shit im sure

honestly i really do like peppermint patty but theres no defending this ridiculous outrage

she gave chuck like 2 hours notice that she was coming over and expected him to have a fucking feast ready

what the fuck kid

charlie walks off even more depressed after being berated by one of his close friends

pattys girlfriend chimes in that she was kind of a fucking cunt to charlie brown

patty screams some more complaints and marcie asks if they were even invited over to begin with or did patty just shoehorn herself into charlies thanksgiving

patty realizes the error of her ways and tells marcie to go explain to chuck that shes sorry

marcie tells her she should do it herself

she refuses

marcie says shell try and walks off

linus gives a history lesson on some asshole related to thanksgiving and we gear up for the exiting conclusion in

thanksgiving special 1:part 4: the end

clever title huh

marcie tells chuck shes sorry her girlfriend is a cunt

chuck explains that hes honestly just upset that he ruined thanksgiving for everyone

patty shows up to say sorry herself making marcie coming in ultimately pointless

charlie calls his grandma who says its fine if all chalies friends come over too

patty delivers the good news

and theyre off

in the car they sing over the river and through the woods to grandmothers house we go which charles cuts short

his gradma doesnt live in the woods he explains

she lives in a condo

snoopy and woodstock setup a table for their own thanksgiving dinner

oh yeah they had a turkey the whole time

also woodstock eats turkey which seems reasonably fucked up considering hes a bird

oh well

thanksgiving special 1:part 5:the actual real end

yeah this is late

yeah part 9 isnt even finished and at this rate never will be

oh well ill get around to it

until next year

goodbye

[genocidepolice]

scooby doo part 9:part 2:your vacation destination

hawaii is great with all its palm trees annoying tourists active volcanoes and blistering heat i think those features are what make it the perfect place to vacation

oh also the tiki demons

the tiki demons are also great

apparently mystery inc thought it would also be a great place to vacation and here we are

fuck

part 9:part 2:part 1:the gangs all here

not all together but all here

here being hawaii

glad we cleared that up

so last time before i gave up and left we met up with fred

yeah there he is

scooby and shaggy are with him

they ask fred if its safe to be doing this and he says hes sure fine

they ask if he knows what hes doing and he says he didnt finish reading the instructions

good job fred you fucking retard

fred jumps off and starts gliding through the air inspiring shaggy and scooby to try to do the same

they fail

by fail i mean they fall off the cliff and somehow catch the wind and glide

they could have died and based on how this movie is going im thinking theyll wish they had

god help us.png

they gain confedence in their ability to fly the hang glider and ask fred about a question shaggy has been wondering about

how they plan to land the things

he gives them a confident smirk and announces to them that he didnt bother reading that far into the instructions

they begin to panic

rightfully so

we pan down via velmas camera to see velma and daphne showing off their previously undocumented interest in nature photography

daphne through awkward exposition tells us that theyre doing this to get pictures to use for designing clothes for some hawaiian clothing company

something that velma should have already known considering that she is there taking the pictures with daphne

we get this unappealing to look at shot that im sure someone worked hard to make

and then we cut to an ugly truck or jeep or some shit painted in mystery machine colors

ew what the fuck velma

that is the most awkward way to use a laptop just do whatever youre doing and turn it so daphne can see typing like that is just fucking wrong stop

so then fred drops from the sky

what

what the fuck

fred really what the hell

how did you fly in from the ocean if you started in the mountains

how did you not finish reading the instructions but somehow both know how to land and how to instantly take off the harness

fred what arent you telling us you piece of shit

“not thats what i call smooth sailing”

fuck off fred

so then scooby and shaggy fall from the sky albeit much more violently and much less gracefully than smooth guy fred

they didnt die though

what a shame

then a bunch of cars start flooding out of that town the intro was in

after this point the hang gliders are never seen or mentioned again

the cunt on the moped back there tells them everyone is skipping town because they have angered the tiki god and incited his wrath

velma in a condecending tone says she doubts the assholes claims of tiki demons

shaggy puts his foot down and says he and scoob are getting the fuck outta there and tells them that if they want to be murdered by a tiki man to send them a postcard

then instead of offering them scooby snax they offer them macadamia nuts for some reason

they get in the car immediately

part 9:part 2:part 2:this is the tiki gods land now

so they drive into town in the shitty cg mystery truck jeep thing and get looking around for whatever is causing all the commotion

to roll into the ghost town and see a local business selling some traditional hawaiian food that wont be brought up ever again

the lady at the stand asks if they would like to try some and scooby and shaggy go right ahead 

they dont like it

so then shaggy takes the course of action i would take and drowns the shit in hot sauce

not they put heavy emphasis on the hot sauce bottle when he pulled it out leading me to believe they were going to do a classically unfunny mouth on fire joke

instead the lady at the stand lets it slip that theyre making a special batch so that the tikis wont kill them

then in the most suspicious way possible tells them to go the fuck away and immediately closes the store

then theres an establishing shot of the town and we cut to some jackass scamming tourists out of their money with shitty little tiki charms

he looks vaguely like weird al and is voiced by adam west thats really about it

his whole character at this point is that he scams tourists what a stand up guy

oh yeah also this is the guy daphne is supposed to meet with about here clothing designs

yeah

he lives in a van

he tries to save face and act like he isnt ashamed of who he is and what hes doing by calling it an office instead of his place of living

interrupting this visit to the sad mans humble abode are surfer guy and fat fuck from earlier you remember them right

of course you do

they begin telling the story of the wiki tiki 

its very short story that just comes down to 

“theres this tiki fucker who haunts the island”

also they bring up that the tikis kidnapped bland islander girl who is the girlfriend of bland surfer guy

the mayor who looks kind alike ellen shows up

she starts calling the tiki god bullshit and telling the assholes to stop trying to scare off and or scam tourists

then she says there a better chance of getting hit my lightning than the tiki god existing

lightning strikes and it begins raining immediately

they seek shelter under a roof

fatass starts bitching about mainlanders again

the mayor tells them to calm the hell down

this prompts sufer fuckface to start yelling that somehow the major letting tourists participate in the local festival led to the tiki man unleashing his minions onto the local populous 

it doesnt make much sense and makes him seem like a jackass

she tells  him hes full of shit

this makes him angry enough to pull out the “fuck you nobody understand the world but me i hate you mom and dad” card regularly used by poorly written teenage assholes a lot of early 2000s media

him and fat guy walk away and it stops raining

scooby in shaggy hide in fear of the horrors of the wiki tiki which just makes talking about the monster awkward because of how fucking stupid it sounds in conversation

she says the festival later that night will have food perking scooby and shaggy right up

somehow they materialize bibs and silverware which they seem to just be able to do whenever its necessary

yeah like that

part 9:part 2:part 3:screaming and fire

holy shit

so then we arrive at the party

we being the viewer as well as mystery inc

they look like they were poorly pasted onto a stock background but in reality theyre poorly pasted onto a background made for the film

i think scooby and shaggy saw some shitty food table and ran off

velma makes a comment about how there has to be a catch to all the free food

shes right of course

some asshole business type slides into the scene

i only bring him up because of how horrible he looks

white suits can look good but why wear a suit if youre just going to wear sandals and a hawaiian shirt either wear a suit or wear the hawaiian shirt and sandals with some shorts

its one or the other dude combining them like this is against god

he waves over to some hula dancers and mentions the entertainment

them he shoves real estate brochures into their hands offhandedly mentions a chocolate volcano or something similar presumably to set up for a bad joke later

oh yeah and then they limbo

it comes out of nowhere

fred daphne and velma all go at the same time

then shaggy does this

i am uncomfortable with this image

its going to haunt my dreams for weeks maybe even months

the way his neck bends and he winks at me

jesus christ

then scooby wins

he puts the pole on the ground and digs a tunnel under it

thats not limbo

scooby and i guess everyone else there too dont seem to care about the rules or entire point of limbo and say the demon hound wins anyway

some guy is singing in hawaiian about the wiki tiki

fred asks surfer cuntbag what the hell hes singing

surfer guy say hes asking the wiki tiki not to kill them all

velma asks why the tiki god would be angry

so of course fat joke starts fucking yelling about how all mainlanders must die hawaiians will be the new aryan race

surf man then makes the logical fallacy that just because you cant see any evidence of the tiki god doesnt mean he isnt real

which seems unnecessary considering that at least 30 people had to have seen the tiki midgets assault the beach and associated coastal town in broad daylight during a surfing competition

its almost like its bad writing

then he says its not the first time the tiki lord has spoken

he starts talking about a boat

a bout that conveniently has its name right behind him for dramatic effect

oh shit its time for some hardcore hawaiian lore i am so fucking pumped

so in 1815 some boat shows up at hawaii from portugal 

they wanted new land because you know why wouldnt they 

i mean pretty much everyone was invading foreign lands and forcing their government out so they can take over and destroy the entire group of people that had originally lived theres culture and connection to one another back in those days

so then the volcano erupts

other than the large scale assault on the beach earlier i can see why people would just this the tiki man was just a series of ridiculous coincidences

we see a shot of the volcano erupting that is immediately juxtaposed with a cut to a volcano not erupting

that would be the ice cream volcano mentioned earlier (i said it was chocolate probably because i didnt want to believe what i had actually heard said)

scooby and shaggy are angered at the lack of icecream

ice cream shouldnt smoke like that

we pan over from scooby and shaggys disappointment to velma and daphne pointing out that its reasonable to be upset about an invasion but if people vacationing and joining in on a local surfing festival makes the tiki god angry the tiki god must be grade a fucking retarded

then real estate guy starts talking about building condos or something

then the volcano erupts

sadly for scooby and shaggy only the real one does so

look at the disappointment on their faces

condo man starts telling everyone that a volcano erupting pretty much right next to them is no big deal

velma calls his bullshit

mayor ellen comes in and say that all the brochures for the island say its a dormant volcano

the ground shakes again and they all fall over

real estate man says that you dont get earthquakes quite like that in kansas

oh and then an arrow or spear or some shit flys right into the shot

part 9:part 2:part 4:i wonder who it could be

i think it might be the tiki men

it was the tikis

it shows a crowd of people being shocked  and you can hear one of the people yell about how the tikis are back but no one in the shots mouth moves

then we see how the gangs holding up

scooby shaggy and daphne seem pretty spooked

velma just looks dissapointed

and fred looks like he might of forgotten where he is

actually i think he forgot more than that because scooby and shaggy scream for him to run but he just stares up of the violent horrible tiki midgets and asks what the hell they are

the gang splits up

i dont care what happens for most of the chase

the ice cream volcano joke is finally over though

it erupts and they finally get what they wanted

they are promptly assaulted

fred gets chased and then sees them try to kidnap daphne 

sadly she stops them and isnt gone

surfer man sees his presumably dead girlfriends necklace on the ground even though theres no reason for the tikis to have had it

he says they have to find them

he briefly explains what the tikis are but i dont remember whatever he said

fat joke deluxe edition asks if they believe in the tiki overlord now

they remain silent

thats good enough for now

goodbye-ish

part 9:part 2:part 5:fuck 

this was hell to write

its mostly my fault for procrastinating

this was supposed to come out like 5 days ago

holy shit im fucking terrible at meeting deadlines

ill try to get part 9:part 3 out before i let there be another week long gap

goodbye