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[getoutthere1]

Svetlana and I had planned to go to tae kwon do, but she didn’t come to the meeting place. I thought about not going, but that would mean I usually went only because Svetlana did, as opposed to out of some pure, disinterested interest in tae kwon do. In fact I had no such interest, but I knew it was wrong to do things just because other people did. Other people couldn’t be the reason why you did anything.

- The Idiot, p.89

I struggle with this so much! I claim to love things and want to do things but I only do them if someone else is doing it with me :/ I trick myself into thinking that I’m getting better and I’m less anxious because oh look I’m doing something that used to make me have a breakdown, but in fact if I were to do that thing alone without a friend, I would probably still have a breakdown. Something to work on!! Independence is the ultimate goal. Selin is so interesting to me because she experiences so much more life than I do, but she still kind of seems a little removed from it. That’s probably mostly due to the writing style of switching from scene to scene and exploring Selin’s thoughts in every scene, but also because she’s confident. She can move through life without dwelling on it or overthinking in the same negative ways that I do. She thinks a lot, but in productive ways. I don’t feel educated or curious enough to have productive thoughts or create new ideas. And even when I do think of something, I don’t do anything with it.

I was overcome by the sense of how much more there was in his life than in mine, by the things to do and distances to travel, while I never had done anything or gone anywhere, and never would. All I had ever done was visit my parents all the time–first one parent and then the other, with no sign of it ever stopping. Worse yet, I knew I had no one to blame but myself. If my mother told me not to do something, I didn’t do it. Everyone’s mother told them not to do things, but I was the only one who listened. The eternal pauper in the great marketplace of ideas and of the world, I had nothing to teach anyone. I didn’t have anything anyone wanted.

- The Idiot, p. 131

Woof!! Real shit Selin! I feel this so so deeply. At this point looking at social media is just a form of self-harm for me because I feel so shitty when I see people with their friends, people with cool jobs and projects, people traveling. I’m not necessarily jealous of what they have, but I’m jealous of the fact that they were able to get to the point of having it. What can I do to get something for myself?? I feel overwhelmed by baby steps. I feel like I should have already stepped them– everyone else has already! But when I set my sights on bigger steps, they overwhelm me so much that I simply stay put and do not step at all. I live in a prison of my own design. I have gotten so comfortable with comfort. I just want to get to the point Selin’s at. We have the same stuck and useless feelings but at least she does things, at least she isn’t afraid of everything. I mean I am so lame that my mother gets excited when I tell her about illicit things I’ve done, because it’s proof that I’ve finally experienced some life.

[getoutthere1]

To add something kind of related: I’ve been learning a bit about “techno-orientalism” lately and I think it’s something more people, especially in the US, should be aware of.

Techno-orientalism is basically a genre of sci-fi media where a dystopian techno future is heavily orientalized. Where huge futurecities have billboards flashing in an East Asian language and incredibly advanced robots are built to look like East Asian women and it is heavily implied or just shown that East Asian people are in control of society/the world and they are evil. It paints East Asians as inhuman, as completely removed from humanity at all, and if they get to have so much control over the world, the world will become an inhuman and uninhabitable place. These ideas of East Asians as being so technologically advanced that they are no longer human is the logical next step after realizing that East Asian countries are in fact very technologically and socially advanced and therefore Western countries can no longer dehumanize the people there for being stupid and backwards like they do for all other countries with majority PoC citizens.

This trope comes from the Western world’s fear of East Asia becoming a technological powerhouse and outpacing/outproducing the USA. It sends the message that East Asia is a threat because if those countries are given the same power over the world as the US then that would be a Serious Problem. Techno-orientalist dystopias play on the US’s fear of sovereignty, because US cities like New York and Sam Francisco becoming “orientalized” in the sci-fi future is a sign of dystopia (when in the real-life present, the US has spread its businesses, products, ideologies, and cultures into pretty much every country in the world. But it’s only a problem when that happens to the US by some other foreign country, right?). Basically, “if East Asian countries become as powerful as the US, then they’ll do capitalism wrong and create a dystopian world” as if the US is not doing that right now and probably in a much worse manner than China or Japan would.

The dehumanization of East Asians is perpetuated by many blockbuster films you love. Watch out for it and work to dismantle any subconscious programming you may have fallen prey to!

People online (white) will create so many conspiracy theories that just boil down to "Asians aren't complete human beings with their own thoughts and autonomy" like maybe Chinese people are just going about their day to day life. Maybe a video of a North Korean person like chilling is just a person chilling, who isn't going to power down like a robot once the video is over. Stop being a fucking creep.

[getoutthere1]

Today I went on a hike with my friend that also counted as a dog walk so that killed two birds with one stone. On the hike we ran into someone very dear to us and it was nice. Then I had lunch with my grandparents. My grandpa took me to pick up his car and I got to speak German with the mechanic and he said he’d like to abolish all militaries and replace them with peace corps and he told me I needed to get out of this town.

Win win win!

Steps: 8,812

[getoutthere1]

Yesterday I hiked to [REDACTED] with my buddy. And I did nothing else. It was a failure but a beautiful one.

Steps: 11,937

Floors: 20 (nothing compared to when I had to do my laundry during school. I’d be doing 10k steps and 34 floors just to wash my fucking clothes)

[getoutthere1]

Silly me I stopped using this account because for some reason I felt like I wouldn’t need to do anything while not in school but now that I have returned from seven weeks of extremely structured school life I am doing nothing. Not a single hobby. Not eating. Just lying around watching YouTube. Let’s get back to doing shit.

[getoutthere1]

I just finished my final final!!! School is OUT BITCHESSSSS

An incredibly difficult school taught entirely in a language I do not know but am trying to learn will begin in exactly two weeks. The fear is taking over.

This morning I went on a hike with my friend and we got a major parking ticket and then we got hash!!! It was good but too many potatoes for my taste.

Then I spent the rest of the day finishing my final essay.

And now I am going to the movies with my friends. Coast day tomorrow hopefully. Live laugh love

Steps: 7,748

[getoutthere1]

Today I went on an early morning dog walk with my friend on our favorite trail!!

Then I went to work and to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. They didn’t have them for some reason, because everything to do with my psychiatry and my medication is so difficult and convoluted! Nothing can be simple and no one ever does what they say! But they got me some somehow, I just had to wait half an hour so I wandered around the store and bought a book I’ve been wanting to read.

Then I had a meeting for my internship at a café and I stayed there for like three more hours studying for my final tomorrow. I ran into someone I want to be friends with and she said she would like to go to a park with me sometime!

My days have felt so long lately because I’ve been doing so much!!

Steps: 6,808

[getoutthere1]

“I want to infect you with the tremendous excitement of living, because I believe that you have the strength to bear it.”

— Tennessee Williams, The Selected Letters: 1920-1945

[getoutthere1]

Today is gonna suuuuck

Ok I did my German final (oral presentation/interview) and my teacher asked me four crazy analytical questions about the play that I was not prepared to answer because everyone I’d spoken to who had done the oral already said he asked them where the play took place and what they thought of the characters. I stumbled so hard through the answers but at the end he said I got full marks!! And now my grade is finally an A 😍 I also picked up my German honor society certificate today yippee

I am stuck rn bc the massive relief of getting one final over with has severely lessened my drive to complete all of my other finals. So.

I still have another assignment to do before my class today and I have a huge assignment to finish today (20% of my grade ❤️) and then in the evening I have a fucking poster symposium to do. So that will be hell. It’s also hot as balls outside so that’s not helping.

Got half my big assignment done in the library before the symposium 👍 then my friend told me about an event where they were giving out free bubble tea so of course I had to go except I had not eaten for hours and the tea gave me such a bad stomach ache and then I had to stand in a very hot and overcrowded room and talk to people for an hour at the symposium and then then the department director said we could leave so everyone from the other class left but our teacher told us we had to stay because we were suddenly being graded on presenting??? Bro I said my piece and he gave me a 29/30 but then my partner talked and I talked again and I could tell he was impatient and trying to get to the other groups because he was holding all of us late so I tried to speak quickly and just give a general idea of my analysis and I watched him grade me down a point in real time. AND I learned that he’s leaving next year so all the complaints I was going to write about him in the end of course survey aren’t even going to matter. FUCK.

Then I fucked around with my friend for a while. We laid in the grass on the quad and we will probably have to be photoshopped out of a few people’s grad photos.

Now to finish my other assignment :’)

Steps today: 12,120 (14,330 yesterday!)

[getoutthere1]

God finals suck

I’ve been spending a quite frankly insane amount of time on my German oral exam and presentation but I feel like I’ve barely gotten anything done. And there’s so much else I have to do for finals too that I’ve been neglecting to work on this shit. But working on it means I get to spend an insane amount of time with my buddy so it’s chill I guess ❤️‍🩹

We had a work session this morning for like four hours and then I went to class and then I did homework and then I went to another class and then I got dinner with my friend (at a new restaurant that I will now be frequenting) and then we had another four hour work session.

Live laugh I am going to throw up.

Steps today: 6,866

[getoutthere1]

Augh my indecisiveness will be my downfall!!

I called my psychiatrist to try and work through a difficult situation involving my meds for the summer and it’s not fully figured out yet but I’m a lot closer now than I was yesterday!!

Went to work. It was very quick today! Everyone was so ready to help me and I didn’t have to wait forever at customer service like usual, probably because I went at a very slow time. I did badly fuck up a very simple conversation with an employee but it was chill and the water room was so empty!! I didn’t have to move any boxes out of my way or squeeze around them in order to reach the levers! I was very blessed.

I went to the picnic with my friend and it was kind of awkward because we were late and had to sit alone at our own table but a very nice old man spoke to us and then we met someone who was in our class but none of us realized it because our classroom’s camaraderie levels are in the shitter due to our teacher being the worst (thankfully he was not at the picnic). And then we finished our paper in the library! It’s amazing how easy it is with her. I don’t feel self-conscious and i don’t feel like she wishes she were somewhere else when she’s with me. She wants to hang out with me and she always sticks around and talks for as long as she can. I’m sad I met her so late in the year but I hope I can keep up with her next year.

Now I just need to finish my sociology reading :’)

Steps today: 17,048

[getoutthere1]

Today I worked with my new friend on our paper in the morning, and then in the evening we went to the Stammtisch together for teh first time. It was very scary and I bought us a very overpriced and slightly disgusting pizza, but I was happy that we got to sit in the corner with the American and Catalonian who do not speak German well so all of us were at the same level and they were a lot of fun to talk to. It would have been terrifying to sit with the old German people. And then I almost got hit by a car on the way home.

But between classes I managed to finish two assignments and start on some readings I should have done two weeks ago 💕

And now I am doing my laundry.

Tomorrow I’ve got class, work, homework, and the end of year GerScan picnic!!

Steps: 12,363

[getoutthere1]

you got this buckaroo the sails are up and love is at your back LETS TROT

[getoutthere1]

Midterms kicked my ASS bro holy shit.

Now that it’s all over I feel a lot lighter. I feel like the year is over already (it fucking should be, it’s over for the rest of the country) but it’s not. Finals are coming soon and I do have to prepare and get everything in between done, but I am not. Typical (said in Baby Mouse voice). I’ve been skipping class and almost turning in assignments late!! And god my internship is boring as shit and my supervisor keeps standing me up at our meetings?? Like how hard is it to send an email girl!

Some days it gets dark and I realize I have so much to do and I have no idea what I’ve been doing with the past however many hours.

I have been going on many walks and watching a lot of anime. I finished attack on titan and I’m on Tokyo ghoul now.

But I did finally unclog the shower drain. Pulled out so much fucking hair (all of it was my roommate’s) and some plastic.

I have been taking days and sometimes over a week to respond to messages. I feel bad but everything is so overwhelming right now. I don’t know how to be supportive when I can barely support myself.

I’ve met someone who really inspires me as a person. I want to be just like her. We are so similar, all she has is confidence and I have none.

Tomorrow I have to do an in-person study. Like I have to go to the science building and be a human subject in an experiment. And I have no idea what the experiment is, they don’t tell me. Freakay!!

[getoutthere1]

Oh fuck the adderall’s kicking in

*cue a gory transformation sequence but when it concludes I’m wearing a cute little business suit & smiling with rosy cheeks ^_^*

[getoutthere1]

finals are kicking my ass bro holy shit

still found time to go outside tho

[getoutthere1]

God these last two days have been bad. I feel motivated to work but somehow I procrastinate so hard!!

I didn’t fail yesterday but I didn’t get enough done. Today was the same.

One good thing that happened today was I got to weigh myself and I’ve lost four pounds in the last week??

I’ve been weighing myself every weekend and it’s always the same. I think the difference is that in the last week I’ve been eating MORE instead of less while exercising the same. I’d complained a while ago that I’ve been moving more than ever and eating less than ever but my weight has stayed the same, and someone said my body was in “starvation mode” and that I should start eating more. I did not believe that and I thought I’d lose weight eventually but I never did. But this week I started eating lunch AND dinner and BAM four pounds lost. Insane. Starving yourself is never the answer. I feel so much better now that I’m eating more, mentally and physically. There’s less brain fog and lightheadedness, I’m not as tired all the time, and I don’t have to worry about my stomach growling in class. Let me remember this for the rest of my life.