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Our hurts become what make us whole :
Three months ago I found out my first love was going to have his first .. I mean his second child. His second because his first would've been with me. I made the decision to not have the child. But, I am happy that one of us gets to fill the void of a lifelong decision that I have to live with every single day. I love kids, I love them with every ounce of my being. But, I did not want to have kids with this man. I had been done with him 8 months before cutting ties with him. It was such a toxic relationship. We'd fight, scream and yell at each other, say things that couldn't be taken back, he had mad trust issues.. that he then put off on me. But, the sex, the sex always made up for it oh and boy did he have the best apologies that just made everything seem okay. One day, you break a plate and it shatters into 10 pieces just because you glue it back together it's never quite the same. I could've walked away when I broke up with him and be done yet, every time I came to town we hooked up. I didn't want to be with him yet I didn't want anyone else to be with him either. I loved him - I thought that was love. Its been three years since we've been broken up and its been almost a year since we've talked. I deleted him off facebook, twitter, instagram.. allllathat. Sooo, back door to four months ago I get a follow request from some random girl come to find out it was his new girlfriend. Of course, the petty betty in me wanted to approve it but the grown up in my denied it. Because , when the past calls you've just got to hit decline. Fast forward, two weeks after that she announces that she was pregnant. Whether, this was planned or not I don't know or him trying to get back at me. Her being pregnant - him having another child just makes this whole situation permanent. - her having a child already & him playing daddy... I am forever done.. him and I will never be a thing again. Which is fine, it is for the best but it still hurts. It hurts because that would've been me but it is not. It's not me because I made the decision to not have his child it was me. It may seem like it was just out on a whim and not thought threw but to be honest I was just a terrified 17 year old - whose dad didn't have a job & whose boyfriend didn't have a job yet, her I am supporting two grown men on my moms social security check.. How in the fuck was I going to raise a child? To her - yes you may be having his child - yes you are now his girlfriend - unborn child's mother. I am sorry you won't get all of him because when I left I took part of him and he will forever have a piece of me.. yes, he is all yours and I hope you love him like there is no tomorrow because he deserves that. and to the man that broke my heart - even tho you've never apologized to me.. I forgive you. I forgive you for every time you accused me of cheating, every time you put ole girl before me, for bringing your past and baggage into our relationship. I forgive you for telling me that I only considered myself when I decided to have an abortion.. if you didn't mean you'd support me through whatever than you shouldn't have told me you would. - For putting me through hell and back for no reason. I'm so mad that you moved in when I was a junior in high school. I should've left you before I got pregnant - before I got all of this emotional damage that I know have to figure out how to handle on my own. I hope you grow to love her and grow with her for the sake of yalls child. yes, this is all of apart of my testimony but sometimes I wish I would've paid more attention to the red flags in the beginning of our relationship. Because the red flags literally became the reasons I broke up with you. I do wish you the best on your future endevors. Every pain has a purpose.
xox, Sav
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If you always do what you've always done you will always get what you've always gotten. If you are constantly looking for acceptance in a man you will never truly find your worth. You can't expect a man to be ready for what you are. It has taken me nearly two years to come to that understanding. I have jumped from guy to guy because I wanted to feel something that I wasn't able to give myself, acceptance. I say jump guy to guy very vaguely because nothing became of these situationships. I kept getting rejection after rejection, after putting so much effort into these things and not getting anything in return. For the next six months I am vowing to myself to only focus on me and my growth before trying to focus on a man. Focus on my goals putting myself in the position to be able to go where I want to go. Growing into who I want to be opposed to who I am now. Life is all about growth and getting to where we need to be and if you aren't doing that then what are you doing? You won't always be motivated, you must learn to be disciplined. Discipline is the bridge between a goal and a accomplishment. If you don't like something, just take away its only power: your attention. And that's exactly what I am doing taking my attention from the negative aspects of my life and focus on my growth. What are you waiting on? make today your bitch.
xox,
Sav
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LIFE: four letter dissappointment
I wish life could be easy for a solid five minutes. I'm constantly being faced with consequences of my past, from decisions I didn't make let alone, have control over. I am so burned from my past I don't even know how to move forward without carrying that baggage. How is it that your parents are supposed to be the ones that help you.. instead they are the whole reason you need healing. It seems like every time I turn around I am constantly running from things. Running from the past running from the future. Trying to find closure while trying to keep composure. Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. You must first understand why you feel that why and why it is okay to feel that way. It is okay to hurt it is okay to not be okay. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. If it isn't bettering you, you shouldn't be doing it. What sucks the most is pouring your heart out to YOUR parent about what you need and expecting them to respect how you feel. I shouldn't have to constantly remind you how important my feelings are. I shouldn't have to always be the responsible one, yet here I am doing it. With all the pain you've caused me you've also brought me a lot of life lessons. Thank you for teaching me to believe in myself, thank you for teaching me if I want it go get it because this world will give you nothing. You can never expect a hand out. If you don't get it on your own nobody is going to get it for you. How at the end of the day the only person you can rely on is yourself. Don't believe words trust actions because everybody talks but not everybody listens. To be the best you must be able to handle the worst. Anything that angers you is teaching you forgiveness and compassion. Anything you fear is teaching you to have courage to overcome your fear. Anything you can't control is teaching you how to let go. When the fire inside you burns brighter than the fire around you that is how you survive. Life is full of little disappointments.. you live and learn.. and then you experience.. and then you grow. You don't get to pick the cards your delt you only get to pick the order they are played. Make it count everytime. Live it like you are golden. YOU'VE GOT THIS.
xox,
Sav
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she’s pointing at nothing, because she looks into the mirror to see that she is all she needs. “I know that we will be alright” is directed towards herself.
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a journey:
To be the best you must be able to endure the worst. I find this quote to be my motivation. I've been through a lot in my twenty- one years of life. Yet, my story isn't over, I am still discovering a better version of myself at every turn. Through every trial and tribulation I grow stronger. At times, I say why me, why did I have to go through that. It's taken me a good two years to detach from some pretty harmful things in my life. Relationships I thought were going to last me a lifetime. I had to figure out those things were only stepping stones to get me to the next phase of my life. That those things I thought would accompany me a lifetime would only last a season. I had to forgive people who I never received an apology from. I had to accept the fact my dad will not be there for me financially, no matter how much I wish he was. I had to walk away from a toxic relationship from a man that I wouldve had a child with. When I ended that relationship I've never felt more of a weight lifted off my shoulders. But, at the same time I had spent nearly three years of my life with this guy. not just any three years either.. these were what seemed to be the hardest three years of my life. He was my comfort zone, he had seen the good, bad, and the ugly It wasn't until 3 months ago that I really detached from him. He was always my first drunk text or call.. By the time they realize your worth,you'll be worth so much more. I texted him one night and said do you ever think about the fact we'd be parents right now and his response was far from what I thought it was going to be. and finally I came to realize as much as I had wished for our friendship to remain the same that was a dead end road. But, I was extreamly grateful because finally I had a reason to let go, completly. I had to change my way of thinking.. I had to find the joy in the in-between.. and the meaning in meantime. and God forbid Whatever I did, never run back to what break me. Because it will just break you again and again.The peace I have now is worth everything I lost. Detach from needing to have things work out a certain way. The universe is perfect and there are no failures. Give yourself the gift of detaching from your worries and that everything is happening perfectly. Instead of thinking about solving my whole life, I had to think about adding additional good things, one at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow. Stop and smell the roses.. pick up adventures and put down all your hurtful memories. I have a mind like a box of fireworks and hands that play recklessly with matches. That is why I always find myself in these positions. The self love i've gained through all of this is amazing. I learned to love myself where I was being the mess I was. Life will literally pull you in all kinds of directions. " for where your treasure is there your heart will be also." matthew 6:21 The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow.
xox,
Sav
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y’all are like “ooh everyone is beautiful” “ooh everyone deserves to feel hot” and then three seconds later you’re making fun of people who cover their acne with makeup and people who haven’t mastered winged eyeliner yet like grow the hell up you don’t get to pick and choose times to be body positive
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