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I’m running out of energy. Every now and then I think about how I used to feel here (and later twitter), how much I enjoyed hanging out with complete strangers, who later became so important to me, talking about two fictional guys loving each other, drawing for the simple pleasure of seeing my ideas or those of my friends realized. And now it’s all gone, I haven’t drawn anyhing for myself in years.  All I draw is icons, all day long, getting nitpicky feedback on every single pixel. I keep hearing those nitpicky comments every time I try to draw anything other than work stuff. I even hear them when I look at other people’s art and it ruins everything. I was so happy to leave ubi, the toxic environment, the crazy bro culture and even crazier requests. I thought I found the right place...25 people collaborating on a tiny, cute little game and then we went from the frying pan into the fire, back into a mega corporation. Yay me. And I lost all the pleasure of doing everything I used to love.  Surely it’s not just work...it’s been a few shitty years for everyone. Tough break up, forced co-living with ex bf due to covid restrictions, my dad getting ill, switching jobs, moving back home and finally losing dad and having to deal with everything alone, not just the emotional stuff but the merely bureaucratic shit...I honestly feel like a broken vase held together with duct tape. And the more I think about it the more I would give a kidney to get back to 2016. 

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In days like these, when the light starts to fade earlier and earlier, I come back home in the evening and everything is already so dark.

And even if I have my dog to keep me company I just crumble. I kneel down and start crying. I feel the house around me suffocating me with its emptiness. With its memories. With everything horrible that happened here. So horrible that even the good memories are tainted and don't matter anymore.

I feel so fucking alone.

I miss my family and everyone who's gone.

I miss my life, I feel like everything is falling apart and I'm desperately trying to keep things together but it's like trying to repair a glass vase with duct tape or a piece of string. I just end up with a precarious mess in my hands and sometimes all it takes is a tiny stumble to bring me down completely.

I hate every second of every day.

And I'm scared because I think more and more about hurting myself like the kid I was ten years ago. Just to feel myself existing. Just to prove that I'm real because I don't have anyone physically here to tell me that I do exist.

I'm tired.

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So I am alive after all, life has been...interesting first drawing I manage to make in 2022 outside of work for a friend’s birthday  :)

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https://www.artstation.com/alexdeb

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please play disco elysium!! 😭

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Yes I’m sure your workers are going to be so productive when you cut their christmas vacation time and force them not to spend time with their families. I bet this crunch is going to bring so much production value. Fuck off.

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And the first sketch, that I didn’t really like

But here you are

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Kageyama "mob" Shigeo also known as "cinnamon roll too good for this world too pure"

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Bill Tench has the same haircut as Scully and I cannot unsee that

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This show is askdfjkfjsak

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I did a thing as a reward for the new volume campaign that ended a few days ago :3 better res: https://www.artstation.com/artwork/xzx8RO

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Ahdhgdgajsgshja *_*

A wasteland Pritchard and Jensen AU playthrough of New Vegas. I made a custom playable Pritchard race, since making him in chargen was way harder than you’d guess. I made a companion Jensen mod with fitting dialogue (luckily his armor had already been made into a mod, so I only had to fumble at something resembling his face), as well as a player house to serve as their home. Here are some screenshots from the adventures of the Francis of the Wastes~

Mods I used in my mods and in this playthrough in general:

- MadMongo’s Mongo Resources v2: books and bathroom items in the player house mod. - For Francis’ hair styles, Lings Coiffure NV and Lings Playable Races, made by Earache42/Grayewolf, downloaded to Nexus by Volek. - Jensen’s armor and eye shield mod by Tesvixen.

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https://www.artstation.com/artwork/8lExwO

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Oh brain, thanks for giving me all these sad ideas

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I’m still alive? And making sad Francis pics apparently :P

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Mustafa Lamrani

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Art by Zeen Chin

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