ghostlykaren - Tumblr blog

[ghostlykaren]

The institute starts next week. I am worrying a lot. My pills were changed and now it's a little hard for me. I really want some kind of lightness

[ghostlykaren]

I started taking a drumming course. It's a lot of fun. I don't know if I can walk on them for a long time, but I hope🥁🥁🥁

[ghostlykaren]

And here I am with you again! Well, a lot has happened in that time. First of all, I haven't moved for at least another year. I entered the institute next to my house and I won't be able to move until a year later. Secondly, I told my family about my diagnosis. They took it calmly, but I do not know how it will manifest itself in the future. Thirdly, I'm kind of in remission. The symptoms have not appeared for 1.5 months. My emotions are still blunted and my days are empty, but I'm not as sick as I used to be.

[ghostlykaren]

dear people with OCD: the next time you have spiraling & intrusive thoughts, what-ifs, or catastrophizing scenarios, I am sending a cardigan-wearing 46-year old NYU professor directly into your brain and he says "Aaaaand scene!!!" and he claps his hands slowly. and he says "Wow. Wow. Powerful stuff. Evocative imagery. A little bit post-modern, a little bit hysterical realism in the vein of Don Delilo but let's pause right here." and you will recognize your thoughts as a perplexing avant-garde film shown to an audience of 15 liberal arts students who are now trying to get a good grade and sleep with their professor.

[ghostlykaren]

Fluffy Dove cute landing , Great lawn , Central park

[ghostlykaren]

Well, I passed all the exams and now I have applied to several institutes. But now my relatives don't want me to leave. They think I can't take care of myself and my disorder will only get worse. I think I should try to live alone and sort out my feelings. The problem is that I am not sure if I will be accepted into one of the institutes, and every day my whole family tells me that I may not go anywhere at all. I hope everything ends well. I try to hold on and keep a positive attitude.

[ghostlykaren]

My life is falling apart. Over the past couple of weeks, I have visited the local psychiatric department, and now my diagnosis has been officially confirmed. Now I can't work the way I wanted to. I will have to study for a profession that I don't really like, and I hope that I will be able to work. People don't like people with this diagnosis

[ghostlykaren]

My life is going to hell. Today I was in a psychiatric hospital for an appointment with a psychiatrist. This is another psychiatrist. In a fit of idiocy, I informed him of my diagnosis and now, it seems, I can say goodbye to my job. No one will hire me if they find out about my diagnosis. I'm terrified, I'm having a panic attack. I think I've ruined my life. I do not know what to do.

[ghostlykaren]

My paranoia increased to such an extent that I went to a psychiatrist. She prescribed me another dose and advised me to make an appointment. She gave me the ambulance number and said that usually in such cases people are taken to the hospital. I'm too scared to do anything about it.

[ghostlykaren]

There was an exam today. I felt sick: I was dizzy, sick, had a headache, my hands were shaking. I asked to go to the bathroom and messed up a little bit. I went back and finished writing, but it seems to me that everything is wrong there too. I came out and started crying. The teachers tried to calm me down, but I was very upset. My paranoia doesn't go away, and the exam only makes it worse.

[ghostlykaren]

The exam is tomorrow. I have an exacerbation of paranoia, and I do not know how I will write this. I hope that I will get better, but I don't believe it. I'm just in hell.

[ghostlykaren]

I called one of my psychiatrists and she advised me to take pills. I got some sleep, but if I keep thinking, the paranoia will return.

[ghostlykaren]

THE PARANOIA DOESN'T GO AWAY. IT'S ONLY GETTING WORSE! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I'M TERRIFIED.

[ghostlykaren]

I take my pills, and it seems to me that they have a strange effect on me. Other pills made me sleepy and had vivid dreams, but these make me nervous, trembling and tired. I can't concentrate because all my thoughts are blurry, and in 2 days I have another exam. And the worst part is that the paranoia has returned, and I do not know what to do. Do I need a higher dose? Maybe. But I still can't handle it.

[ghostlykaren]

I hate isolating myself from good people because if they ever ask me why I never reach out, I can't give a straight answer cause I don't know why either. All I can think is "I don't want to talk." Even when I'm real lonely or its been several months my mind keeps stopping me because "I don't want to talk." And I never know why. I'm deathly afraid of losing whatever friendships I have but BARELY try to put in the effort and talk to them. What am I so afraid of?

[ghostlykaren]

I have an exam tomorrow. I decided to cancel taking the pills for a few days so that they wouldn't distract me. One of the psychiatrists called me this evening. I don't think she'll be thrilled with my idea.

[ghostlykaren]

Well, my pills really worked. Now I don't feel awake and I want to sleep all the time. I was vacuuming today and I was so tired that I wanted to sit down and cry over the vacuum cleaner. I just lay down on the nearest sofa and vacuumed lying down. My obsession with cleaning is just hysterical, but I'm too tired. The exam is in 2 days, and I think I won't pass it. It's just a failure. I've written to my psychiatrist, but he hasn't responded yet.