ghurlila

[ghurlila]

The world is spinning and spinning and I am trying to stay still.

[ghurlila]

These current events are messing with my head. Take care, you.

[ghurlila]

kindness of nonkin

It was the early summer and it was hot. Stuffy. Stifling. My cheeks are burning. I’m halfway through my one kilometer walk to the highway. When I get there, I’m gonna hitch a bus that will take me on a 3-hour journey back to Manila. This is a lifestyle I have chosen for myself.

Now if only I had an umbrella, I think to myself, as I recount taking my polka dotted folding umbrella off my tiny Gap backpack that morning because it was “too heavy”. I say that as a sketchbook, 5 different-colored pens, a copy of that new crime novel I’m about to give up on, and a bluetooth speaker rattle inside my bag. My priorities are obviously in check.

I get to the highway and prop myself against that sign that had the speed limit on. I relied on the slender shadow of the pole, but it can only so much as cover my shoelaces. 

It had been 20 minutes and no buses have passed. A man I’d guess to be in his mid-sixties comes up to me. I noticed him earlier, it looked like he had been waiting for a bus earlier than I was. No hi-hellos, he asks me to take his umbrella. I refused but said my gratitudes anyway. He insists and I oblige. He then runs to the other side of the street, opposite his supposed direction, and takes shelter on a tiny shabby waiting shed about a hundred steps away

I screamed at him “What about your bus, sir?”.

He shouts back. “I’ll just take a ride after you get on yours. Leave the umbrella on the floor when you get on.”

I know we could have easily shared the umbrella, but I guess he didn’t want to give a sense of discomfort.

10 minutes later, I see a bus bustling my way. I leave the umbrella beneath the pole and shout “Take care.”

I still think about him every now and then.

[ghurlila]

dynamics pt.1

Before anything else, he was my best friend’s brother.

I propped my closet open and pulled out the first two things i saw- the E.T. shirt I recently thrifted and a favorite checkered midi skirt my mom thrifted for me. I’ve always thought, as I swindle in my daydreams, that first date prep would include tossing 6 discarded outfit options and saving a full hour to do my face. But that day, I didn’t try too much. Not that I don’t enjoy getting all dressed up, because I do, but I knew from the start I didn’t have to mask anything from you. What he sees is what he gets, I told myself.

By then, we have been flirting online for three weeks. You caught me off guard at 1:42 AM the middle of night in May, after a little misunderstanding, when you asked if I wanted to try dating. I typed ‘sure’, erased it, and then replaced it with something along the lines of, ‘Would it be alright if I ask your sister if she’s okay with it first?’. You agreed, we said good night, but you already know I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night- thinking about the possibility of you and me.

Fast forward to that hot afternoon in June. You arrived, slightly sweltering, in a juxtaposed black and white ensemble that so seamlessly matched my own palette. We caught a movie, the Secret Life of Pets sequel, and the truth was while I found it to be a cute film, I couldn’t give it my full attention because I’m trying to process the fact that you’re beside me, and you like me, and I was secretly wishing you held my hand at the cinema. Little did I know that while we were walking out, a highschool friend of mine saw us, and sent me a DM that very afternoon. “I saw you with a guy. Looked like you two are in the same dimension.” I hold that compliment close, and back then I didn’t realize how right he will turn out to be. 

Dynamic I: Edge.

A week before you confessed, we attended an event where your sister’s manning a booth. We didn’t get to talk much then, except for that small bit where we exchanged knick knacks: you gave me a slimy frog that popped a glittery ball out its butt when you press it. That was in exchange of a Squirtle plushie I told you I’m letting you adopt. “I’m moving to a much smaller space and I need to give some stuff away”. That was true, but it also became my excuse to give you something. I’ve always wanted to give you something that had a little bit of sentiment to it. That afternoon, as I hitched a ride home, I instantly checked my inbox for a message from you. And to my satisfaction, there was one. I thought about what things could be like if we were together. I laughed at myself and quickly brushed the thought out. It can’t be possible.

Dynamic: II: Falling.

We officiated our relationship in front of my favorite bakery franchise where I get my occasional rocky rocky milk. “I might not have the chance to do this later. Will you be my girlfriend?” Yes.  You asked if you can kiss me on the forehead that night, while waiting for the pedestrian stop light to turn green. You grinned at me. I couldn’t believe what was happening.

Dynamic III: Falling some more.

You’d start coming over more frequently. We’d see each other almost every weekend, it slowly fell into a pattern. We’ve learned to be comfortable in silence. We’ve learned to be comfortable with affection. And intimacy. The boring. And vulnerability. We’d watch bad movies on my laptop, I’d rest my head on your shoulder, we’d struggle with goodbyes. It would always be an ideal afternoon.

Dynamic IV: Falling again and again.

We’ve built our own intangible space, a piece of abstract home that takes up a permanent spot on the back of our heads. I’ve come to understand that falling is not a downward slope but a series of ins and outs- and as much as I love you now, I already know I’m gonna love you so much more.

We go on.

[ghurlila]

it’s still january

 written January 28th, a little over 9 PM

I’m mildly obsessing over this book I’ve been reading before bed, it’s called The Book of Delights by Ross Gay. I wouldn’t give much of it away, but in it he writes an almost daily count of essayettes about anything and everything that delighted him. It’s beautifully written and a smart ass idea and so I’m stealing it... kinda. Here’s an excerpt from his preface:

“It didn’t take me long to learn that the discipline or practice of writing these essays occasioned a kind of delight radar. Or maybe it was more like the development of a delight muscle. Something that implies that the more you study delight, the more delight there is to study.”

This morning I woke up feeling a little morose, on account of current events- both from all over the world and of my personal life. And while I try to take my time fleeting through my bubble of sad, understanding that how I feel is very very valid, I wouldn’t wanna rob myself of little pockets of happy and awe and comfort.

And so, I document it.

This book. The Book of Delights has been my teensy pre-bed refuge. The best part being that it is written in bite-sized everyday stories, and thus I can sneak it in between the 3 other books (and graphic novel) I’m working my way through. It’s full of appreciation and wonder and curiosity that it has given me a sense of rediscovery for what is out there- things just waiting to be seen and felt and experienced, without having to look too hard. And so the list continues...

Stargazers. My boyfriend surprised me with flowers last Saturday night. I’ve snipped the ends and repotted it into a blue China vase, and situated it on the corner of the cot inside my brother’s room where I’ve been sleeping recently. That way, it’s the first thing I see in the morning, and the last thing I see before calling it a night. I am absolutely awe-struck to find that the buds still bloom even as cut flowers, three days after receiving them. It’s beautiful, and it looks different every day and I’m gonna gawk at it with a lot of admiration until they dry up completely, and then I’m pressing it between the pages of my copy of Lewis Carroll’s collection. 

Chimes outside the window. In the afternoons, when the wind picks up, I’ve made a habit of propping the windows open and listening to the play of chimes hanging on my mom’s tree.

The way light creeps in between the windows at 4:45 PM. I love the little strip of light that colorizes my dog’s fur from where he naps at golden hour.

Miguel. Okay, I’m cheating as it’s a given that my boyfriend will never not be part of my lists of everyday delights- but then again, I’ll take any chance to talk about him. He is my love and my light and my favorite constant and brace yourself, ‘cause my next post is going to be allllll about him. 

Good night.

[ghurlila]

Today

It’s 2 days after the storm and I am listening to the filtered sound of the radio drama being played by the builders working beside my window. An hour back, my boyfriend and I talked about our shared idea of starting a blog. I’ve been wanting to for a while, mostly because I have shitty memory and want a space to dump (more) personal things I’d want documented. So here we are. And here’s to hoping I won’t abandon this 4 days later.

I suck at beginnings, but we have to start somewhere, so I figured I’ll start by documenting me today.

Today is December 5th, of the year 2019. I am 23, 5′3″, without any idea of how i weigh- not that it matters to me, anyway. My hair is black and short, like a bob that currently looks like a less-chić Joan Jett, with small signs of the fading perm my mom gave me less than a month back. I have 4 piercings, 2 on each ear- the latest of which I got at Kota Kinabalu on halloween night. My everyday make up routine includes brushing my eyebrows upwards, curling my eyelashes, and dabbing my cheeks with Airblush in Razz, my favorite shade.

I live in the house my dad grew up in- with my parents, my brother, and 3 beautiful shih tzus. I sleep in a newly-renovated, half-set up room with our 3-month old puppy, Keng. Her name’s a nod to our dog Kang, who we lost last month and whom I’m still grieving for. (I’m working on an altar at the corner of my room to honor her by.)

I quit my corporate job a little over a year ago, and I’m currently hosting guests on Airbnb at a quaint studio unit in the inner parts of Tagaytay. Next year, I plan on venturing another field- what it will be, I’m still figuring out.

I’m in a relationship with Miguel, who’s also one of my bestest friends. He’s the sweetest, most patient person I know and just generally my favorite person to talk to, and be with. I’m seeing him in two days, which I’m very much looking forward to. ☺

My favorite TV shows include Queer Eye, Atypical, One Day at a Time, and Brooklyn 99. I’m currently reading through my boyfriend’s copy of Watchmen. And I’m about to watch Awkwafina’s The Farewell (the very second I hit publish). My playlist has been bouncing back and forth Melodrama and Blonde, with a little bit of Lizzo thrown in.

I have the biggest stubbiest crush on Thai musician Phum Viphurit. I got to watch him live a few weeks back, where he played an unreleased song I can’t stop mooning over.

My hobbies include window shopping for toiletries, cutting my clothes into anything cropped, and upcycling jewelry.

I’m pretty happy with the person I am, and the person I’m shaping to be. This is me today, and I am where I need to be.

<3, B