gideliye

[gideliye]

[gideliye]

Can't differentiate expectations from delusions.

[gideliye]

You're everywhere but not here

[gideliye]

Hihintayin kita sa kanto ng Intramuros

Lakbayin natin ang bawat haligi ng museo

Paglayuin man tayo sa istasyon ng tren,

Hahanapin kita sa bawat Lungsod ng Maynila

At kung hindi dadalhin sayo ng pagtingin,

Tatagpuin na lamang kita sa mga ala-lang nilikha.

[gideliye]

There are too many places to go home to, but why do I still feel homeless?

[gideliye]

[gideliye]

Underneath the lilac sky and beside the calm river, across the fading sun that faintly illuminates the highlight of this scene. You from afar, looking like the lead from a movie.

Contrary to my reckless heart, the river remained calm amidst the busy sidewalk. I admire the bridge that stands still despite carrying the weight of your beauty; unlike me, I'm nearly losing my senses. I envy the wind that embraces your grace, while I tremble the closer I am in your space . I envy the sun that digs into your fair, as the furthest I can do is stare.

You resemble the sunset—beautiful and peaceful. Too beautiful to keep it a secret, too peaceful to be too loud. And so, I just whispered in the wind.

[gideliye]

To the person I knew from the Goddamn internet 4 years ago

11:06 p.m., Thursday, March 16, 2023, I'm rewriting, recreating, or rebuilding whatever this is. I can't sleep even though I must. I decided to run through your newsfeed once again and I saw that one post that made me write something similar. It was seven days late when I wrote those tantrums after reading your last letter for that person. I also thought that that would be the last time that I'd write something about you. It has been two years since I wrote that. The headache-causing papers still surround my bed. My body is still tired despite lying down the whole day. I am still full of insecurities. Really, nothing changed except for the fact that I've been lonelier. I have been hurting, but it's more tolerable; maybe I got used to it.

I have always been an admirer of your writings, and though oftentimes I could not comprehend what they meant, there's still something that makes me want to keep going. 

I still admire

I still can't comprehend

I still want to keep going

I want you near, but I fear.

I am everything opposite of the person you talk about. That little conversation is still stuck in my head even after all these years, but it can't be compared to someone you spend months with. A little improvement: I don't start my day looking at your Messenger stories and Facebook posts anymore, but I still envy that person who you spend your late-night talks with. I still want to be someone who you would share your anime recommendations with or have at least one mobile legend character 1v1 with, but I'm neither an otaku nor a pro-Selena user. I still make up silly stories that I came up with, and up until now, I really wanted to share them with you. But I still don't have the courage to even leave a message on how much I like your works, your ways, and just everything about you.

You still feel like home to me, although I think that it is temporary. I know you were just a shelter. Somewhere that shades me when I refuse to go home. Somewhere I feel like I belong, but I don't. 

I wanted to wipe the tears from your cheeks as you wrote that letter. I want to stop imagining the past, present, and future with you in it, but it was my only way to be somewhere close to you without having the fear of actually losing you.

Maybe I can't like anyone else more than you. Maybe I did like someone else more than you, but you resemble them so much that I had to keep my place. Maybe I didn't like them enough to make me take a risk. Maybe I don't like myself enough to make myself believe that I deserve these.

I am contented just having to read your works. I am contented with the little things that I know about you from the internet that you overshared and the secrets that I am not supposed to know. Who am I to bid you farewell? I still long for the warmth of your metaphors. I always thought that if one day we meet, please know that you will never be a stranger to me. You don't have to mind me though; I just know you a little well, but not well enough. You don't know me at all to make you look into my eyes and halt for seconds. It's only my heartbeat, which will stop for a second because your very existence matters to me a lot.

I wanted to preserve the format, but too many things changed, even though nothing or a little something did. I think it's fine. Whatever I write anyway will still have remnants of you.

[gideliye]

Your charcoal hair waves in the wind

And the golden sun kisses your skin.

My deity, you radiate elegance and grace.

It reaches me here below, in my place.

To your nobility, I stand admiringly.

I reverence you, a majestic scenery.

Since I can only admire from here,

I hope my praise reaches your ears.

Because my moon, you're out of my league.

[gideliye]

A strange flower grew in my garden

It was a lovely shade of pink

I spent most of my time admiring,

Its fragility and stubbornness to grow.

The way it sways with the rushing wind,

The way it outshines the raging sun,

The way it stands with the weeping sky.

[gideliye]

I wanted you to know so badly,

But I can't.

[gideliye]

Unpleasant things that rings in the head.

By: @_Savvyyyy on twitter

[gideliye]

To you who I thought would bring me comfort but instead brought me anxiety.