givemebackmyjournal

[givemebackmyjournal]

Can’t wake up this morning. I keep being pulled back into this dream with evil Chad Michael Murray. He loves flowers, “misses God so much!” and hates Sam and Dean Winchester (my best friends and his arch enemies).

[givemebackmyjournal]

7/6/2019

I needed a van, and just my luck, my good friend Doug Jones had a military van he was willing to give me. It had a seat that folded down into a bed, but would only unlock with a military ID. I didn’t have an ID but told him it’s fine, I don’t need a bed in my van anyway. He said that’s nonsense and pulled out his own ID. He told me to take it. He knew I would have it for an indeterminate amount of time, but he didn’t care, he just wanted me to have a bed. I felt very cared for and took the ID. He didn’t mind if I never returned it, though I had every intention to. He began installing it in my teeth. As he was doing so, he talked to me and I had strong feelings of an unbreakable platonic friendship. I knew we would be friends until we died. It wasn’t awkward or anything having his hands in my mouth, his face close to mine. I would do anything for my best friend Doug Jones.

[givemebackmyjournal]

My boss hired two new guys to work in the small room adjacent to our warehouse. One was a middle-aged man, the other was in his late twenties and looked very familiar, yet I couldn’t place his name. I was embarrassed to ask what it was (a common thing at my real-life job) so I waited around hoping someone would say it out loud before I had to ring him up (he was buying dry ice and a 4-ft tall hard drive that was broken and peeling into thin metal sheets).

He was too tall to be Jesse McCartney. Maybe he was one of the Carter brothers. But was he Nick or Aaron? I thought back to Aaron Carter’s “I Want Candy” days and imagined his baby face all grown up. No, this guy didn’t look like Aaron. He must be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys. He certainly had the face of someone who was once in a boy band (whatever that means). I decided his name was Nick, just in time to hear someone call him “Nick.” What a relief. It’d be embarrassing to not remember my coworker’s name, but even more so since my coworker was Nick Carter himself.

Then I dropped an empty cardboard box on my dying grandfather’s foot and he howled in pain and grumbled about how I keep dropping things on his feet. Grandpa got up and left. I never saw him again. I sat down on his seat, powdery with talcum that grandma had sprinkled there to help his condition. I sat uncomfortable in the crook of my grandmother’s arm, trying to avoid the talc which burned at the touch, and feeling horrible that grandpa was furious at me.

2/26/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

MacCready (from Fallout 4) and I were exploring a desert canyon. At the bottom was a dusty city that had once been buried underwater but now was dried up and abandoned. We decided to explore.

The street was a narrow dirt path winding through the bottom of two tall cliffs. The walls of the tall earth behind the buildings shadowed most of the street. It felt cool passing into the shadows and out of the sun.

We stepped carefully through the empty street. The storefronts were missing doors and windows and everything was dusty — even the walls seemed to be heavily coated in orange sand. To our right was what was once a bakery. The dark green canopy over the door cast a shadow on us before we walked into the darkened shop. We thought about what it might have been like before the flood had buried this place long ago. What sounds and smells would have lured the street-goers inside and out of the harsh sun.

The city was silent as we continued down the street, and it felt appropriate that we be silent too. Out of respect, awe, or caution, I’m not sure.

A ways ahead we spotted an old hotel. It was an immense tower; the tallest building in the entire city. It didn’t take us long to figure out how grand of a hotel it must have been. As soon as we stepped foot inside, our eyes panned upward to giant, crystal-blue chandeliers hanging from the stories-high ceiling in the foyer. Their brilliance was juxtaposed sharply against the bleak loneliness they hovered over.

As we explored the dark rooms of the hotel, I noticed some rooms were occupied. Squatters, I assumed. At the end of one hallway was a cot against the wall, with dirty laundry scattered around and rock band posters on the wall. I walked in the room to the right and found it to be my Uncle Mike’s room. It was dark; the few lights present illuminated small areas of red wall deep in the blackness of the shadow.

I decided to stay at the hotel for a while and looked throughout the rooms to find one for myself. Clothes were strewn everywhere. It was dirty and messy. I resigned myself to the cot in the hallway. But soon I understood that it was time to leave.

I went back down to the lobby to meet up with Mac. We were standing near what was probably once a beautiful, grand water fountain. We heard voices behind us and whirled around to see large men in black suits walking toward us.

They were stereotypical New York gangsters, complete with the haircuts and thick accent. Mac and I ran up the stairs to get away from them. They were yelling that this place was theirs and we had better scram. As we entered a glass elevator that overlooked the lobby and fountain, we saw the fountain spring to life. Cool blue water began to violently flood from the fountain and quickly filled the inside of the hotel. We exited the elevator and ran out onto the stone decor near the roof, above the crystal chandeliers that reflected the blue deadly water beneath.

Looking back over our shoulders we saw the water climbing the stairs to engulf the current residents as they scrambled to escape. The mobsters were right on our heels, but the water swept them away and dragged them under right as we approached the edge of the roof decor. There was no time to think. Mac and I jumped from the decor to the top of the cliff across from the hotel.

Finally in safety, we turned and looked back at the hotel. Water was pouring from the roof. We were thankful the mobsters’ plans to take the hotel were foiled, but were sad in realizing this meant all the current residents, including my uncle, had drowned. And now not only was the hotel flooded with ancient waters again, the city street below began to disappear beneath the water’s surface. I understood that this is what must have happened the first time the city flooded. The fountain was the source. The fountain was the protector. With the space between the two cliffs completely filled with water, we turned away and headed on through the desert to find someplace else to explore.

2018?

[givemebackmyjournal]

I want to go back to my dream where everyone wanted to dance with me:

Jim from The Office (color = light blue)

Mosley from Downton Abbey? (Who composed a song specifically for my birthday, what a sweetie. But I wanted him to dance with Fred from Angel the series because they were such a cute couple I guess. Both their colors = dark purple)

Gabe from The Office??? (Color = dark purple)

Michael Fassbender probably would have, but I think he was literally stuck in a crushed car (color = burnt orange) (he was incredibly stupid but very kind)

And someone else I think

But I wanted to dance with the blonde guy in the ponytail doing all the sick flips over the bad guys. He was like Wesley from The Princess Bride but more handsome (imagine that) and had a rounder nose and was the main character in the live-action video game we co-starred in. (Color = black, white, and red)

Also wanted to dance with Pam from the Office, mostly to confirm that we’re cool with me dating Jim now and it’s okay for her to be my bff. Also because the songs playing were the colors green and yellow and she was wearing green and yellow just like me, which would make us perfect partners for these songs.

2/9/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

I applied for a job at a bakery. They didn't hire me at first, but after a while I came back and the owner decided he did want some help after all. The owner turned out to be a very old Paul McGann, slightly hunched over and sprouting long, thin, and unruly silver hair. He said to me "Hello, I'm Paul McGann," and I just ran up to him and hugged him and said, "I know," and told him my name. He admired my backpack, saying one of the previous Doctors had used one just like it. I said yes, it was Four, but he said it was Two. Instead of baking things, my job would be to recite some lines in German during a play. I didn't get to stick around for long though since I was traveling the US with my mom.

Date/?

[givemebackmyjournal]

I stepped into my Dad’s place of work. It was a very large room with people bustling about and a few cubicles placed awkwardly in the middle of the crowd. I walked past the tall front desk where two men greeted me with fist bumps and playful banter; apparently I knew them pretty well. They were tall and fit, had brown skin, very short hair, and were well-dressed. I knew they weren’t the secretaries; their jobs were much more like my dad’s. But their giant shared desk just happened to be at the entrance, so they greeted people anyway.

Dad walked up and hugged me and asked what I was doing here. He was 8 feet tall. I said I was here to see Matt. I looked around and saw Matt Damon in a French beret across the room talking on his cell phone. But that wasn’t the Matt I was looking for. My friends at the desk started calling different numbers to find Matt for me, despite the fact they really weren’t the secretaries.

“McConaughey, where’s McConaughey?” they were asking. When they got an answer, they pointed me in the direction of the elevators. I hurriedly pushed past all the workers to get to the elevators before they closed on Mr. McConaughey and his entourage of assistants and bodyguards. I called to him to wait, but he looked at me and said nothing as the doors closed.

I knew he was heading for the helipad on the roof. I had to get there before he did. I exited the office and turned right, heading down the long stretch of the mall my dad‘s business was in. I stopped in front of a clothing store. It was small, clean, and themed in golden colors except for the clothes on the racks and the black leather seat and side table in the center of the room. I knew my plan: push past the heavy curtain the employees would undoubtedly close in front of me, head to the back of the store, grab a navy blue coat, put my sensor mask on, and get out before they could catch me.

I tried once and made it out. My mask seemed to be working just fine. The red HUD displayed data of the hallway’s atmosphere. I swept the hall with my mask to test it out and noticed another woman ahead of me who had done the exact same thing I had. She was wearing a navy blue felt coat and her sensor mask. She caught my eye before facing forward to run to te roof. Her blond wavy hair bounced on top of the navy collar. It was pretty.

I knew I would have to try the heist again but be fast enough to beat her out of the store and reach my boyfriend on the roof before she did. I spoke to her and we agreed to start over and the race began. I caught the suspicion of the employees when I lingered around the coats for too long. I finally found the right coat but fumbled to get my sensor mask on before pushing past the closed curtains again. Even outside the store I still couldn’t get the mask locked in. I was behind, but I kept running.

When I finally caught up with McConaughey; he was on another floor of the mall, but hadn’t reached the roof yet. I cornered him and his troupe in front of Macy’s. They were going to head through the doors and I was too far behind to catch them in time, so I did the only thing I could do from so far away.

I pulled out a pistol and shot every one of his followers in the head. They dropped one by one; I didn’t waste any bullets. He looked at me aghast and demanded to know what I was doing. I finally caught up to him. I wanted to know why he kept ignoring me and wouldn’t stop when I called after him.

One of the golden store’s employees came up and showed him the notes I had left on the black side table in the golden store. Apparently I had taken the time to write him nasty anonymous notes on white cards in rainbow glitter gel pen. One of them was a very concise note, angry yet somehow adorable. The other one said something dumb like, “Suck mouth, you cock!” I re-read that second note, wondering if “suck mouth” was as effective as “suck my dick.” It wasn’t. I was upset someone ratted me out, but now Matt knew in words that I hated his guts, as if the massacre outside Macy’s wasn’t enough of a clue.

I woke up before he could explain his side of the situation. But I had a much bigger and bloodier situation to explain than he did.

2/8/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

Had a dream I was trying to kill Griffin McElroy with broken pieces of wood, but he was being a real smart-ass and the cardboard box on his head was more protection than I thought it would be.

2/4/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

Mom beckoned me to come look out the front door. It was snowing, but nothing was cold, even the snow. Out in the courtyard (our house was arranged on the outside of a circle of buildings, like a Skyrim merchant courtyard) people were enjoying the new weather. Aunt Pam and mom went down the porch steps and said they were going to explore the old college they were attending (or used to attend). Grandma joined them. Later I wondered if this might be what heaven is for mom. Hanging out in a warm snowfall with Aunt Pam and Grandma.

I wanted to follow but felt bad about leaving Kailey and Noah so I went back inside to call them down. Noah and his friend were already coming downstairs. I told them to call for Kailey and then shut and lock the door behind them. They did so, and I started to follow, but I knew Kailey was asleep and wouldn’t have woken up when Noah yelled to her. So I went back inside again, not looking forward to squeezing underneath the tight space we had to crawl past to reach our bedroom.

But I did go to our bedroom and wake her up. She heated up frozen pancakes and made one for me. We ate breakfast together. I told myself the snow would still be there when we were done.

1/31/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

I walked up to Chris Pratt, put one arm around him and the other on his chest. He was looking into the distance and said, “I’m not going to kiss you just yet, babe,” but I kissed him anyway and he looked down at me. He was glad I did. I told him I missed him that day more than I had realized and asked if we could spend the evening hanging out. He looked back into the distance and said, “Probably not today...” I knew he was busy helping people, so I asked about tomorrow. He said yes. My sister was watching us and she said, “Now that is what a real relationship looks like.”

1/31/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

I was in love with this guy (At first he looked like this guy I went out with a few times named Conner but then he morphed into the protagonist from Mute but he was not mute, although I don’t know if he really did say anything). I went over to his house to hang out. I didn’t know him very well yet and wanted to get to know him better.

But my family kept showing up at his house. My parents, the two youngest siblings, Aunt Lindy, and others. He was too nice to ask them to leave, so I nicely asked them, explaining that this was somebody else’s house that they were not invited into, and it was inappropriate for them to intrude on our date. I coaxed and pleaded, I got nasty in my mom’s face. Each time I got them to leave, they’d show up again soon after.

At one point my mom was talking with my boyfriend and me. I was getting impatient and explained again how she needed to leave. She criticized my buzzed haircut and told me it was in poor taste to shave my head bald for fun when my boyfriend had cancer and would have to shave his head because of chemo. I looked at him and his eyes got red and began to water. I stepped up to my mom and told her it was not her place to tell me that information. I don’t know how she even knew, but he would tell me when it was right for him.

He might have told me that night, if it weren’t for my family barging in all the time. I held him and tried to apologize for my family’s intrusions and for the things my mom had said, but it was loud with everyone around and I don’t know that he really heard or understood.

My mom finally never came back, but she did drop off Noah with us. I told Noah to clean the back porch and take care of the elephant. I thought it would leave my boyfriend and I some time alone, but Noah was done very quickly. I asked if Noah wanted to go home but he said no. Kailey showed up and when I asked if she was ready to leave, she said no. She didn’t want to go to Grandma Norma’s house, but she wouldn’t mind going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I decided not to ask any relatives to the house to pick them up, for fear that they might stay as well. So my boyfriend volunteered to drop them off.

Kailey said she needed to grab something from the garage first. She took forever and I had to drag her out of the SUV. She was being stubborn and didn’t want to leave, so my boyfriend offered to play cards with her for a bit. After a while she came into the living room with me where I was sitting impatiently waiting for time alone with my boyfriend. She started playing on the floor. I scolded her for leaving my boyfriend at the table alone during the middle of their game. It was rude. I looked out at him and he was just sitting there in a cowboy hat doing nothing at a table with their hands of cards laid out. It was Kailey’s turn and he was stuck waiting for her.

I grabbed the kids and took them to the store with me. If I could just kill time until the evening, they would have to return home at some point. I was shopping for groceries, things I could eat with my boyfriend. I grabbed my typical single, broke person food, but figured he would probably like actual meals, and so would I. I had to leave before purchasing anything though.

My morning alarms went off in real life, and each time I hit snooze I would lay back down and hope I could control my dreams and allow my boyfriend and I time to hang out alone. Or at least a chance for me to apologize properly without anyone else there making distractions. I wanted to resolve the stress of making sure my family didn’t interfere with our relationship again. I wanted to know him more deeply.

I carried this stress with me through the morning. I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I made my morning delivery to main campus. Even after writing all this out after 11am, I still don’t feel it has been resolved. I want my dream-boyfriend to know I admire his kindness and patience. I need to apologize on behalf of my incredibly rude family. I want him to know I respect his timing when it comes to talking about his sickness. Ughhh I worked so hard to get everyone to leave and nobody would listen! It’s so frustrating!!!

1/29/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

Prince Caspian (my irl fictional husband) was an evil king, and my father.

He was prone to falling into a rage at the slightest inconvenience. It was my little sister’s birthday party. We were out on a balcony of the castle moving large piles of gifts. He began to get irritated and my mom started to reason with him. But I told her to leave him to me, I knew how to calm him.

I convinced him to give my sister a Barbie doll I was holding. That she would appreciate it and love him. He softened up and did so.

I felt proud that I knew how to handle him, but I also felt manipulative and that he is old enough to learn how to control his own emotions.

1/19/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

I was on a boat in a fleet of flying pirate ships. The boats were slender with no masts or sails, and the wood was a smooth, rich, polished brown. There seemed to be a port city in the sky below but there were too many clouds and wooden structures to see it clearly. It might have just been more ships.

The boats in front of me began to crash into each other in a big pile-up like an accident on a sky freeway. I hopped from boat to boat looking for an escape or maybe for something unknown, yet significant to my adventure.

One of the ships had a deck where someone was attending small gardens in planters on crude wooden legs about four feet tall. The plants were tiny and jewel-like. In one of the empty planters I laid a pack of brooches all neatly pinned to a stiff paper. One was a snowman figure. A few were missing from the center and I could feel the imbalance of weight as I lowered the pack onto the damp soil.

There was one lone gardener tending the plants. He was tall and lanky, wore blue overalls and a farming hat over his dark black bangs. Honestly he reminds me of the Once-ler, but let’s forget that. He walked over to me and took me aside as if he had a secret to share with me that even the plants themselves were not allowed to hear. Into my hands he placed the four missing brooches. They were all a lively medium green color and looked soft. Each one was shaped like a different being. One of them resembled a mossy starfish with a simply-painted smile.

“These belonged to your mother years ago,” he whispered as he pressed them into my hands. His words felt heavy and significant, and I suddenly remembered my mother. I must have left her someplace, physically separated from me by decades of forgetfulness.

“These are magic pins,” the gardener said. “Cast one onto the ground and it will get you out of a dire situation.” Somehow I understood what he meant.

“So, I throw it down and it will turn into a golden coin, right?” I asked for clarification. He confirmed this and I imagined the only time a golden coin would come in handy would be if I needed to pay a toll and had no money. Nevertheless, I put the brooches into my pockets, eager to see what tragic, coin-less situation they could pull me out of. I felt a sense of protection over them, as they reminded me of my mother, and I wanted to care for them and return them to her someday if I had any left.

I never did have to use them during my ship-jumping shenanigans.

I did end up reuniting with my mother at my own wedding. I was crying uncontrollably out of love for my husband-to-be, who happened to be my best friend Connor. I tried to compose myself as I took two of the soft, green brooches out of my pocket and gave them to Connor. I knew mom would want me to share them with him. I told him I loved him. He was definitely not as hysterically emotional about our wedding and my mother’s return as I was, and the significance of the brooches was lost on him.

I felt the gardener watching me from somewhere beyond. Whether he was pleased with the end of my adventure or regretful for my use or un-use of the magic pins, I didn’t know, but I hoped I made him proud.

1/10/19

[givemebackmyjournal]

Alvaro Soler and I were friends. He let me sing and dance on stage with him during one of his concerts. I followed his band to their next event and they let me on stage there too. During down time we hung out at this restaurant and I just wanted him to notice me out of all his other friends there.

Someone outside the restaurant door picked me up by my feet and pulled as I held on to the inside of the door frame. “I just want to say hi to Alvi!” I said, waving with one hand and smiling like an idiot at him.

Fkn embarrassing

1/10/19