glimpsesofdestruction

[glimpsesofdestruction]

I'm American, but I live in the UK with my British partner.

We were talking about the recent Roe V Wade overturning.

My partner is pro-life. Doctors told his mother to abort him and she chose not to: he was born 12 weeks early and barely survived. He was the smallest baby on record at the time.

However, my partner asked me if abortion was free in the states and I told him no. He said, "I don't understand that at all. Not allowing abortion is one thing, but making someone have to pay for it is another. Can you imagine a 12 year old, raped and pregnant, and she can't even pay to get an abortion? And now, she's forced to carry it? It's cruel."

It is cruel. I am so happy that he can look past himself and still stand for women's rights, despite his personal belief. He calls himself pro-life because he's personally against abortion, but he is pro-choice in the end: because he supports a woman's choice.

And it's that easy.

[glimpsesofdestruction]

I keep telling myself "hold out". What I mean is, hold out through this hellhole of a life I'm currently living so I can get to being happy again. It's kind of a fake promise, though. Even I know that. I can't see into the future, I don't know if it will ever get better. But without that hope, I'd run away, or even worse.

I've been this lonely before, so I know how to survive it. Same with the depression that the loneliness causes. Yet, everyday I wake up, it gets heavier and heavier.

Sometimes I think of myself as a hostage or a prisoner. It doesn't help me feel better, so I wash the thoughts away. It's not far from the truth, though.

This wasn't planned, of course. I hate that I've ended up in this terrible predicament. Or, I suppose, that I've put myself here. How could I actually be this stupid? I know, I know. I said I can't see into the future and therefore I didn't know this would happen, but I could've just avoided taking my "leap of faith" into this. Why did my job have to suck so badly that I took this jump? Had I enjoyed it a bit more, I know I wouldn't have done this.

I suppose I could "shoulda, woulda, coulda" myself to death. But I have no escape plan and no way out, now. This is my life, this is what I've laid out for myself, and there's no going back now.

Now, there's only room for daydreaming about a knight in shining armor, coming to the damsell in distress' aid, and slaying all of the beasts and dragons along the way. I suppose that is only a story for a princess born of wealth and prestige. Commoners such as I must rot in the dungeon.

[glimpsesofdestruction]

The morning of mourning

I've felt so lost and confused. I've never been good with death and things surrounding it.

I set out to try and grasp some sense of normalcy today. I shaved my armpits, put on a pretty dress, and threw on the most minimal of makeup. In need of a shower, I just threw my hair up into a bun and shoved a clip-in bow, in an attempt to hide the grease. This had the opposite effect - much like I was attempting to be something I'm not.

It doesn't make sense. None of how I've been feeling can be logically expressed or explained. I can't cry, because it feels wrong. I can't try to forget about it, because it feels equally as wrong. There isn't an in-between or sweet spot to nuzzle myself inside of.

I suppose a lot of people would say this is how I'm grieving or that I'm having an existential crisis. Neither feel accurate.

My grandmother and I never had a conventional relationship. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen and spoken to her. I used to call my relationship with my grandparents a "relationship solely based on birthday cards". When the rare visit did occur, it only cemented my distance from them. A hardened woman, my grandmother was not kind or even friendly.

Growing up, my mother always expressed her distaste for her father-in-law - not her mother-in-law. I couldn't fathom that, as my grandfather, although rude, wasn't outwardly "mean" to me, like my grandmother was. My mother would explain to me some of the hardships my grandmother went through and then add that she "has to put up with her husband", as a justification for how she acted towards everyone. I couldn't grasp that for most of my life. After all, I'm just a child, why take it out on me?

The last visit I had with her, she was already on a decline. Dementia had started eating away at her memories, but she was still somewhat lucid. Stories she would tell just simply lacked context, but she was all "there" otherwise. It was the only time she and I had gotten along. It wasn't due to the illness, I had just simply grown into the person she wanted me to always be. I was a quite and mild child, shy and only vocal when upset. As an extrovert, she detested that about me. As an adult, I drank and smoked, just as she always has, so we spent a lot of time together doing just that. I can actually say that I fully enjoyed that trip because of her. Yet, it's all there is in the form of a relationship. Nothing more than that of what you'd share with a coworker you hung out with once.

I always thought I wouldn't be phased at all when one of my grandparents passed away. They barely exist to me. So, I know that conflicts with my life-long beliefs, and causes confusion about my grief. Yet, I can't help but feel as though my grandfather's actions in this has also caused an issue.

We don't know how long he has been having an affair, but we can certainly speculate. A man my mother disliked so much, that she won't even speak of the largest reason. His mistress and he were dating in High School - simultaneously when he was dating my grandmother. However, when my grandmother became pregnant with my aunt, a literal shotgun wedding commenced. Forced on both sides to marry my grandmother, their lives together truly began. The relationship with his mistress seemingly ended, until my grandmother's brain started to deteriorate. 2 years prior to him admitting my grandmother into a living facility, we now know he was seeing his mistress. We only hope that they weren't attempting to display this in front of my grandmother, but we will never truly know.

However, that isn't the most troubling part. While my grandfather was away golfing, my grandmother was moved into hospice. Instead of allowing time for the family to visit and say their goodbyes, he instructed the doctors to not put her on any intravenous fluids and signed her DNR (likely a while ago), effectively letting her die. Having already squandered her life insurance, there will not be a funeral. She will be cremated and then - the family may have some closure by spreading her ashes together.

So, is it this newfound information that makes my feelings difficult to comprehend? Knowing that, all of my life, I held distain for my grandmother, while she suffered alone her entire adulthood? Am I sad about a life not shared with her, about time lost, unable to say goodbyes or reconcile? Or is it as I first told my partner, that I am simply just sad on behalf of my father losing his mother?

Those ramblings of feelings aside, I am unsure as to what grief should feel like, but I was not expecting this type of impact.

Life lacks color - yet, is more vibrant. It's lost all organic edges, and has become patterns and shapes to be sorted and dealt through. I can't organize my sock drawer or plan a meal, making all efforts to do anything the same as it was meaningless. Yet, everything is unchanged at the same time. Nothing is different.

I haven't asked my dad how he is. I don't know how. I haven't asked my brothers, either. My mother and I talk about the disgusting actions of my grandfather and how upsetting it is for my grandmother, but anything further than that is avoided.

I've never been good with those sorts of things. I was so anxious about taking care of my partner during his own grieving - because I don't know what is too much or too little. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say or do? Luckily, my son was born just prior to the funeral for his grandmother, so I avoided any social obligations to be a certain way, under an excuse of taking care of my newborn baby.

I've looked into the possibility that I have undiagnosed ASD. The school is looking into the possibility my 10-year-old is on the spectrum, so it's not a stretch. Still, I've never felt so far removed from society and the understanding of my own emotions until now, so it only begs the question more.

I need help. I feel so confused, alone, and scared. I don't understand anything.