gmsthotcfias

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Everything feels so hard. I get agitated and cranky all the time and have such a hard time bringing my emotions down. I feel like a teenager, but with the adult understanding that my emotions and reactions are my responsibility, but that understanding doesn’t help tempering the emotions. I don’t know if it’s because of all the (really deep and old and hard) work I’m doing in therapy, the testosterone, or the new migraine med (which is also a mood need, but has stopped my migraine cycles so I’m not keen to mess with it)…

It’s really frustrating. And I don’t feel like I have the capacity to interact with partners in an emotionally sophisticated manner, which makes me question if I even want to *be* in romantic relationships right now. I really want to prioritize me and get snippy in a way I don’t like when someone… I’m not even sure what the rest of this sentence is. When someone?? Asks something of me? That’s not right, because I do things for my partners and I like to do things for my partners because I love them. When someone asks me to change? That’s not right either, because changing is all I’m doing right now.

Definitely get snippy and defensive any time something feels codependent. It feels like it flips a switch in me and I want to just say “fuck it,” and leave. I just don’t have any patience if something feels codependent and that’s not how I want to be. Ideally, I want to notice it, talk about it, and try a different way. Thing is: it’s not always actually codependent. I get vibes and my instinct is to torch everything instead of interrogate it.

Same goes for when I feel like someone is in a different reality. Zero patience.

Ugh. I don’t know what to do.

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Core beliefs:

- grindset kiddo: we are not safe

- protector kiddo: we deserve respect

- gentle kiddo: *feeling of a fuzzy blanket*…do they have a sense of self?

- tiniest kiddo: I just don’t know

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Therapy is fucking exhausting. I missed last week because of an upsetting realization that through everything into disarray… I realized that the angriest of the kiddos remembered everything that happened. Them being constantly furious makes sense.

Cue a week of hyper vigilance, rapid switching, and protector on highest alert. Which led to lots of emotions I didn’t understand the provenance of and being cranky, and also a little sick, and things coming out sideways (i.e., through the protector kiddo) and my partners being triggered. We worked through stuff admirably. Quicker than ever before with more grace and understanding. But, fuck. It’s exhausting.

Therapy though: we talked about all the identified parts and looked into how they interact, their core beliefs and what they need. I’ll do that as a separate post because it might be useful to reflect on later.

Finally, I brought a container to leave at my therapists office for her to hold anything I don’t want to take with me. She asked if the grindset kiddo wanted to leave things and they were ok with putting all the childhood abuse in the container. They didn’t want to tell the rest of us what it was, so this way they didn’t have to hold onto any secrets when we all talk.

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A model for understanding my suicidal ideation:

Grindset kiddo yells abuse at me when bad things happen to “keep me safe” by trying to shape me up so no one notices anything is off. Protector kiddo engages Da Share Zone hit the bricks… except it’s happening within me, so leaving means… leaving me. Gentle kiddo directs us to somewhere I like and feels reassuring because I’m feeling bad. The kiddos spin suicidal ideation up, but also keep me safe.

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An interesting thing from therapy today: I realized how well my different parts work together. I’d previously thought of them each being responsible for different things, and they all have different tactics, but the gentle kiddo was created to reassure me after all the emotional tearing down that happens after the grindset kiddo had pushed me hard(er than I’d healthy).

In the past year, as I’ve become more aware of how much I was on my own for some really awful stuff, I’ve marched at how I’m doing this well, and, frankly, how I’m still alive. Understanding how some of the parts work together, I get it.

Truly an extraordinary machine.

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I got presents for all the kiddos in me. All things I think they’d really like (the grindset kiddo already asked for something) and things I think will help them feel safe.

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Me: listening to Spotify year in review

One of the kiddos: that’s *old people music*

Me, laughing at the knowledge that they’re middle school kiddos from the 90s: well, what do *you* listen to

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Had a cranky day of driving and being late to both very-far-apart appointments. Also had really good and interesting conversations with parts of myself, but am too tired to recount them. Woof. Tired.

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I did my PT exercises

Yesterday I slipped into kiddo-mode a number of times. Today I’m just cranky. My rib on the side that was not bothering me had now subluxated. I really wish they wouldn’t. Being in constant pain with a subluxation makes doing anything hard and also makes doing nothing unpleasant.

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Yesterday I slipped into kiddo-mode a number of times. Today I’m just cranky. My rib on the side that was not bothering me had now subluxated. I really wish they wouldn’t. Being in constant pain with a subluxation makes doing anything hard and also makes doing nothing unpleasant.

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Out of bed! Gotta get out of bed!

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our system has two moods:

clown car,

or "day fourteen of The Silence. the radios have long since stopped working, and i write these entries to keep myself and the slow, steady, dripping of the water company. i have officially been without human contact for weeks, and i fear the decay of my very soul"

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My therapist thanked me for my honesty. I’m now drinking iced coffee, like the gay I am, outside her office. Idk how this is gonna go, but she knows what my body guards are up to. They are up to telling me to run the fuck away. Seriously. Don’t go in. Just run away and start a new life.

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I emailed my therapist some of the stuff I wrote about this week, because I do not trust my bodyguards to not do a misdirect when I’m there tomorrow, and now I want to disappear and never, ever talk about my trauma again!

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1927

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Never wanted to be a mom, but The Last of Us makes me wanna be a dad. I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to afford it, but I would absolutely crush it.

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Finished The Last of Us. I know why it wrecked me the first time I played it. Joel chooses Ellie’s safety over saving the entire world. He kills good people to keep her alive. As someone whose parents gave them up for so much less, of *course* it hurt.