gnabbang

[gnabbang]

not a lot, just forever

word count: 1.8k

authors note: i don't want to get married but lowkey writing this made me realize why people do-

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・

He was sick to his stomach. Which made no sense to him. He could preform in front of strangers, hundreds of thousands of strangers. He could face the scrutiny of others, could smile through flashing lights, the loud clicking of cameras ringing in his ears (even days after an event), but the thought of marrying her. Finally marrying her, that was his undoing. That’s what would finally bring him to his knees.

He’d had months to prepare for it. Months of planning to propose, then the months that followed said proposal, now planning for their wedding.

He wasn’t getting cold feet, no, quiet the opposite. His feet were hot, burning with a fire so excited he could hardly stand still. He wanted this, more than he’d wanted anything. More than he wanted that second chance to be with his members after his initial elimination.

He wanted their life together to start. Their forever. They’d already been together for almost two years, but those were the dating days, they were going to enter the married days.

He wouldn’t have to wonder if she was going to leave him, because once that ring was on her finger he was holding onto her, and never letting go.

He was at the alter, his feet shuffling back and forth, trying to peak around the corner, where he was sure she was waiting. He hadn’t seen her all day, he felt as if his hands were already forgetting the feel of her.

It was one of her stipulations when they were planning, she wanted their first look to be at the alter. Not before. She said she couldn’t describe why she wanted to do it, she struggled putting her feelings into words so he trusted her. But now he was wishing that he could see her, hold her, and just be near her.

He felt an arm on his shoulder, gently tugging him back to his starting position. He looked over at one of his groomsmen. “Channie hyung, what do you think is taking so long hm?” He looked back over to where she would be walking about bit at his bottom lip in anticipation.

He heard Chris laugh beside him and gently bat his back. “Breath Felix, she’ll come. Give her a second,” He tried, he even stood still for a couple seconds before turning to where his groomsmen were, Chris, Han, Minho, Hyunjin, Changbin, Jeongin, Seungmin, and was about to tell them he was going to go check on her, make sure everything was okay when he finally heard the music start playing.

He saw one of her bridesmaids walk, then another, and then another. It felt like ages before he finally saw her. Her arm was wrapped around her fathers and when he finally laid eyes on her, instantly he had to grab onto Chris to make sure he didn’t topple over.

Tears were in his eyes, a hand over his mouth as he looked at her. His legs gave out on him and he crouched for a second, the palms of his hands pressed into the sockets of his eyes, trying to slow his tears.

He shook his head and stood up quickly, he didn’t want to miss a second of her walking down the isle towards him, towards their happily ever after.

As she got closer, and the details of her face became clearer, he saw with a small jolt of surprise that she looked different. Not in a bad way, and not in a way he could truly put a finger on, she just did.

Her father brought her to where he stood and as soon as she was in arms reach, his hands were holding hers. He looked at her father, love for him swelling up in his heart. He raised her- she was everything that he was, but better (Her dad’s words not his).

He let one of her hands go, immediately feeling the aching emptiness as he wrapped her Dad in a quick hug, which he returned, patting him on the back, but eventually letting go. He hugged his daughter, kissing her cheek and letting tears spill freely down his cheeks.

Finally, her attention was on Felix. Solely on him. They moved through the service, but he didn’t remember much, all he could focus on was her.

She was smiling slightly and had that dazed sort of look on her face, like she couldn’t believe they were actually here. He gave her hand a gentle squeeze, a reassurance that she wasn’t the only one feeling like such.

Once it came time for vows he reached into the pocket of his suit. They had both agreed to do two sets of vows, one for the ceremony, and one for after, when it was just the two of them together.

He cleared his throat and smiled at her.

“Today, as I stand here before you, not only do I see the woman I love. I see the woman I’ve prayed for, hoped for, and dreamed of. I never thought that I would be here, and especially not with you. You were a dream I never expected to become a reality. But you are, we are. There is a quote from your favorite movie, Tangled. “You were my new dream.”

He stopped for a second to clear his throat a second time and gather himself.

“Since the moment I met you I’ve had to check and make sure you were real, that we were real. Since I met you everything has changed. In a world were all I can see is darkness, there you were. An angel sent radiating love. Love that I was lucky enough to get bestowed upon me. To be on the receiving end of your love, of the light that is you, its- its an indescribable feeling. I hope I make you feel even half o even half of what you make me feel. You brought me peace where there was noise, and gave me a love I didn’t even know was missing. But I know its there now, and I will spend the rest of our lives together to make sure I am deserving of that love, and make sure you know you deserve it. Everything. You have given me everything I never knew I needed, so I promise you. I promise to be your listener, a steady hand for you to hold when life descends into chaos. I will walk with you when the road of life we’re walking on his smooth, and carry you when it gets hard. I promise to see you fully, to never take you for granted, to recognize your strength, your bravery, the beauty that lives inside your soul, even in those small moments. Moments where you remember something I had told you months ago I liked. Moments where you wake up before me and make me breakfast, just because you “want to make sure my baby is fed”. I promise to celebrate your dreams, no matter how big, no matter how small. I will protect your heart like its the most precious thing I’ll hold, because it is. You are the most special thing in my life, I chose you, and I will chose you over and over again. I chose you one the mornings I wake up before you do and I get to just watch you sleep, every night before bed when you read to me, no matter what it is, I chose you for the rest of my life. You are my home, and my forever. From the moment I met you there has only been you, and it will stay that way, forever more. Across lifetimes, across states, across vast distances, I will always find my way back to you.”

He stopped fighting back tears halfway through, why should he? He loved her, and everyone knew it. He refused to be ashamed of his love for her.

She was crying as well, she stopped trying to stop them because she knew there was no point. Her bridesmaid handed her her vows and she cleared her throat glancing up at him before the paper in her hands.

“Since the first time we met you have been my home. Not a place, but a feeling. You are a steady hand, a quiet strength, a heart I knew I could trust. You are my dream. You are my forever. You’ve given me everything I could ask for. Not material things but memories, and a love that only happens once a life time. Just like you said, from this lifetime to the next, to all the ones that come after this you are my forever. My soulmate in the truest sense of the word. You have loved me when I couldn’t love myself, you’ve held me when the ground beneath my feet was unsteady, but most of all you’ve trusted me. You’ve trusted me with your heart, with your soul and I promise to cherish that, to never forget what a blessing that is.”

He knew she didn’t like public speaking, knew how nerve racking this was for her, not only speaking in front of people, but having them hear her deepest thoughts, hear the love she had for him. She was a more conservative person, similar to Minho.

They both loved quietly, but with their whole bodies.

She finished her vows, and as they both said their “I do’s” and he slipped that ring on her finger, he felt the final piece of a puzzle click into place. Felt his world, which he had always felt was a little bit tilted on an axis, right itself.

Once they were told they were allowed to kiss, the waited no time, he’d been waiting for this moment since he proposed.

His hands were gentle as they cupped her face, he didn’t want to ruin her makeup. He tilted his head as he leaned in, letting his eyes roam over her face, trying to capture this moment, their first kiss as husband and wife.

The thought made him giddy.

He kissed her, gently, tenderly. Her hands went to his waist, slightly gripping his suit jacket, like she was struggling to stay standing and needed him as an anchor.

As he pulled away and looked at everyone that had been invited to the wedding, close friends and family, he wanted to cry again. Not because of sadness but out of pure disbelief and happiness. He couldn’t believe this was his life, that she was his wife, that he was getting the happy ever after he had always dreamed of.

He felt her hand squeeze his, a reassuring squeeze. He turned to look at her, smiling lopsidedly. “You’re stuck with me now,”

She snorted and nudged his shoulder with hers. “Not for long though,”

He looked at her, his expression going serious. “Just forever,” he murmured. She nodded and squeezed his hand again. “Our forever.”

[gnabbang]

Lover Boy

work count: 1.5k

warnings: sad and angsty- no happy ending

authors note: so apparently i like torturing myself! lowkey tho i liked writing this, emotions are difficult but fun to write about. hope you enjoy!

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・

He knew he loved her- knew it in his bones. So why were they so wrong together? Why did they fight over nothing? Why did they disagree over every little thing? Why did every conversation turn into some type of argument?

He couldn’t wrap his brain around it. He remembers the early days, when they were like newlyweds, completely enthralled with one another, taking special care of each others needs, mutually making sure they always had everything they needed, emotionally and physically.

Then his schedule got fuller. He had less time for her- for them. It ate away at him but she was always there, saying she understood and she would always be waiting for him when he came home, she would always be there with a smile and a big hug with a few kisses thrown in there as well.

And she did- she always made sure he was taken care of, making him to food because she knew he skipped out on eating at times, making him tea when he had sung his voice raw in the studio, bringing him water to make sure he stayed hydrated.

But as time went on, she stopped. Not because she didn’t want to anymore, but because he wouldn’t let her. He would push her away, complain that he felt like he couldn’t breathe when she was around, she was always invading his space, all he wanted was piece and quiet after a long day being surrounded by the boys. He loved them, they were his brothers, but sometimes he felt overwhelmed and all he wanted to do was come home to silence, to be able to hear his own thoughts and wine down, but then she was there, filling his desperately needed silence with chatter. She would talk about nothing really important, just how her day had been, the stress she was feeling with school and work and all he could think to himself in those moment were: you don’t know what real stress is.

He was pushing her away and after a while, she let him. She was a firm believer in not being able to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. She didn’t love him any less but she only had a certain amount of bandwidth to deal with his comments, the ones he murmured under his breath and the ones he told her straight to her face. At each comment, she felt her own anger and sadness building up- to the point that when he had something to say, so did she now. She matched his energy.

She had never felt so exhausted.

He realized now, how hard she tried for him, and as they two of them were sitting on the couch of their shared apartment , as she told him that she thought they needed to split from each other, he desperately wished he could go back, turn the clock back to even a few months ago and try hard as well.

He wanted to go back and tell her thank you for every water bottle she had made sure was packed in his bag before he left for the day, thank you for ever delicious meal she would drop off for him even though she didn’t particularly like cooking, thank you for every hug and kiss she had ever given him. He wanted her to know that she was needed. He needed her. Needed her like he needed air to breathe.

But he couldn’t.

The helpless feeling that over took him as he came to this realization hurt, like a knife was plunged into his chest. And she was sitting across from him, twisting it.

“It’s just Seung, you have so much going on right now, and so do I. I just don’t think either of us have the time, or the energy frankly to be in relationships. To love each other the way we should be.”

It felt like he was watching this scene play out from the corner of the room. He could see her look up at him, see the tears filling her eyes, see his hand twitch where it lay on his thigh, see himself fight back the urge to reach his hand up to wipe her tears away.

“But- but I love you,” He sounded confused as he said it, like he couldn’t believe the situation he was in was real. He had actually done it- he had pushed her away. Fully. She was leaving him.

“Don’t look at me sadly. You know I love you too, its just…” She leaned back against the cushions of the couch and sighed. “I don’t think we want each other like we want us to,”

He knew what she meant. Apart of him knew she was right, they hadn’t been good for a while, but he never thought she would leave, never thought he could push her that far, to a place he didn’t know the way to. A place where she existed without him.

He felt her hand on his and let his eyes refocus on her face. “You can’t tell me you haven’t felt it. When we let a fight run for days on end, you can’t tell me you’ve never thought it was to much, and that we should just end it?”

He turned away. He couldn’t look at her. Couldn’t let her see the truth that was shinning in his eyes.

He had thought that, but it was always something he never paid attention to, he let the thought come, then let it pass on just as quickly as it had came.

“I don’t want to be the reason you don’t find the one Seungmin. I don’t want to get in the way of your happily ever after.” He wanted to tell her that she was his happily ever after, that she was his one. There would never be anyone else for him. Never again.

He didn’t say any of that though. He just stared at her, unblinking. He took in the features of her face, committing it to memory because he felt like he was never going to see her again. He needed to remember what she looked like, needed to remember that even when things got hard, and the world got darker, there was this ball of light and love walking around, blessing anyone she chose to give that light to.

He had been one of those blessed by her presence. And he had taken advantage of that. There were no words he could tell her that could accurately convey how he felt about her, how sorry he was, how angry he was at himself.

But she didn’t want him to be angry, he knew that. He saw it in the way she looked at him, the love that shone through her eyes. It was one of his favorite things about her, she wore her emotions on her sleeve. And right now her sleeve showed him how sad she was. How tired, and desperate she was to end things on good terms. She truly did still love him, and she knew she would for the rest of her life, but she was suffocating.

He was suffocating her.

What’s that one saying? If you love someone you’ll let them go?

So he did. He let her go.

He nodded and murmured his agreement, they needed space from each other. Permanent space. They had gone into unhealthy territory and for their own sanities , needed to cut ties while they could.

He saw her wince at the blunt way he put it but there was no other way. He just had to rip the band aid off.

He went quiet and saw her nod.

She stood up, grabbing her bag and turned to walk out of the door.

He looked at her as she left. Saw her long hair sway back and forth against her back in tune with her steps. Saw her free hand shaking slightly as she opened the door. Saw her shoulders hunch, the small shake she tried to hide. But he knew her, he knew she was holding back tears, waiting till she was some place she was comfortable enough to let those tears fall.

He was no longer her place of comfort.

As she shut the door behind her, the soft click filling the empty silence of the apartment. It wasn’t the silence it was before. Before it was a filled silence. He knew that even with the silence, she was some where in the apartment. Maybe cooking, maybe cleaning, maybe doing her coursework for school, maybe in the shower, maybe napping. Now there was no her. She wasn’t filling the silence. The quiet that was her was missing.

[gnabbang]

Sparks

word count: 1k

warnings: none that I can think of- a bit of language maybe!

authors note: love baby lino man- bias wrecker for a reason. I hear this song and immediately it made me think of him- the quiet love I think he'd give- hope you enjoy!

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・．

Minho isn’t a loud lover. He isn’t one to shout on top of the roof, our from out of his balcony that he is in love with her. He thinks things like that, and the people who do them aren’t really in love with their partner, because if they were, why did they have to tell the whole world? Why isn’t their partner knowing how much they’re loved enough? It was something he could talk forever about.

Despite the fact that he wasn’t a loud lover, he was a deeply compassionate one. When he loves, he loves with his whole body, mind, and soul. Whether that be platonic, or in her case, romantic.

He loved simply but deeply, and at first a bit hesitantly. He doesn’t say the words “I love you”, but he will make for damn sure that she knows he does. He loves by remembering her favorite drink (matcha with cinnamon and honey), her favorite song (No Complaints by Noah Kahan), her favorite artist (Lizzy McAlpine and Noah Kahan she always said she couldn’t pick between the two), her favorite color (pink most of the time but it depends on how she’s feeling), which one of his hoodies is her favorite (anything he’s been wearing for an extended period of time, which made no sense to him until she explained it “They smell the most like you, especially the ones you wear to work”), her favorite scent (sandalwood).

He could tell someone everything about her, paint them a very vivid picture of the person she is, not with just looks, but with her personality, her kindness, her compassion, her tenderness, he could write a book about her, about everything he makes her feel. The love that threatens to bring him to his knees when he sees her after a long day at work (or any day at any time- but the feeling hits especially hard after work), the shock that he still feels even after two years of being together that she chose him, that she keeps choosing him, even after she has seen all the ugliest parts of him. “We don’t abandon the people we love just because they can be a bit horrendous sometimes, if everyone did that, no one would ever stay together. That’s why love is such a strong thing Min, we see that ugliness and chose to stay despite it, because that is not who the person is at a whole. No one is perfect, therefor everyone has a little bit of ugliness in them.” Though if asked out right she would never say there was anything wrong about him.

“If there was a part of you that I truly thought was ugly, Min hon, I wouldn’t be here, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You have to think about that when you get into a relationship of any kind- is this part of the person something you can live with? Is it something that will affect your relationship with this person on a deeper level than just annoyance. If the answer is yes, then you fight for them, and love them. Love isn’t one dimensional, it’s multifaceted. There’s a little bit of annoyance that goes with it, a little bit of sadness, of anger, but love trumps all of those. That’s why its called love.”

It shocks him at times, his girl that primarily reads about dragons and romance and things he sees as silly is very emotionally intelligent. That’s apart of why he thinks they’re so good together, he sometimes struggles with emotions, not just his own but others as well, but she gives him guidance, helps him see things he cannot at times, either because he is blinded by his own emotions, or because he thinks the other person is being ridiculous, but she gives him a fresh pair of eyes, helps him see things not form a logical stand point, but an emotional one.

It has saved him from turning a small argument with one of the boys into something much bigger. At times he stops himself an thinks what would she do right now? If she were in this situation how would she move forward? and he thinks. He doesn’t rush into a decision, and instead sits with his thoughts, sorting them and curating a response to the situation that is both him and her, and goes on accordingly. Sometimes if that doesn’t work and he is really stuck he’ll call her or wait till he can see her in person, and they’d just talk. For hours about it.

That was one thing he loved about her, and about the two of them. They talked, about anything and everything. Ninety-nine percent of the time he was so focused on controlling what he was saying, with cameras and the peoples eyes always on him, he’s found himself filtering out his words a lot but he never has to with her. He can tell her every thought he’s ever had, every dream, every nightmare, and she will listen, and respond back. No finger pointing, no gasps of outrage, just quiet understanding.

He loved the quiet moments more than anything. When the silence wasn’t awkward, or uncomfortable, it was filled with love.

So when it was late at night, the window slightly cracked open, a gentle breeze making the blinds sway and occasionally hit the window sill, and he was still awake, staring down at her, that feeling of overwhelming love hitting him straight in the chest. She was asleep, he could see her eyes going back and forth and up and down behind her eye lids. Her lips were slightly parted, her chest rising and falling as she breathed. She was curled into his side, her hands put together as if in a prayer and tucked under her cheek, childlike almost. He lifted his hand, pushing back her hair from her shoulder softly so he wouldn’t risk waking her. “I’ll always look after you,” He whispered softly, leaning forward, placing his lips against her forehead. Her body curled into his, her lips closing and pulling into a small smile.

He felt himself smile in response, and shifted closer to her, letting his eyes shut. He let sleep over take him, his dreams full of nothing but her.

He loved quiet.

He loved their quiet.

But most of all he loved her.

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・．

this was very self indulgent and i need it thanks

[gnabbang]

Look After You

word count: 0.7k

warnings: just a bit of cursing - but nothing horrible!

authors note: loved writing this! felt so much more comfortable than last fic, thank goodness! I think I'm going to try and keep my fics music based, they give me the best inspo i think, but we shall see! enjoyy~

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・．

It was late, almost one in the morning by the time he was finally walking up to the door of their apartment, after a long day of work, training, production, and just over all stress all he wanted to do was slip under the covers beside her, entangle their feet together and listen to her wake up a bit to grumble at him that his feet were cold before she would turn over and curl into his chest.

As he opened the door he heard soft music coming from the kitchen. He kicked his shoes off by the door, a bit confused. What is she doing up this late? He thought to himself as he reached the end of the entry way, peering around the corner to see her in the kitchen dancing to Look After You by the Fray. Well, she wasn’t really dancing, more so swaying and shuffling to her feet as she made her way around the kitchen, cleaning and picking up school supplies she had left strewn across the small island in her kitchen. 

He made his way farther into the apartment, putting his keys into the little ceramic bowl Hyunjin had painted for her when they had first moved in together as a house warming gift. At the jingle of the keys he saw her head snap back to look at him, a smile quickly over taking her features. She quickly put the pencils and pens she had just been carrying into her bag before walking over to him, taking his hand and pulling him into the center of the kitchen area.

Her hands wrapped around his neck as he wrapped his arms around her, his forearms resting on the curve of her waist. He let the comforting smell of her wash over him, sandalwood because she preferred cologne over perfume, the jasmine scented lotion he had given her for her birthday, the smell of her freshly washed sweatshirt (technically his sweatshirt but he wasn’t one to complain about her wearing his clothes), just the smell of her. 

He let out a deep sigh as they swayed to the song together. She let her face rest against his chest while he tilted his head down to tuck his face into the curve of her neck. The coconut smell of her shampoo wafted up into his nose as they swayed, entrapped in each other's presence. 

This was a moment he knew he wasn’t going to ever forget. The smell of her, the feel of her, everything about her would forever be engraved in his memory. Her name forever carved into his soul, a special piece of his heart she would always lay claim over. 

You’ve begun to feel like home, yeah

But what’s mine is yours to leave or take

What’s mine is yours to make your own

Our song, he thought to himself, this is our song. He loved music, always had and always will. Just take a look at what he does for a living, the time and effort, the sleepless nights, the lack of eating when things were really stressful, the amount of shit he has had to go through, but he would do it again ten fold because he loves it.

But a song and its lyrics had never hit him right in the heart like they did in that moment. With her arms around him, he had this overwhelming feeling of something he couldn’t describe. It was a mixture of a lot of things, happiness, gratitude, contentment, but most of all love. He knew from that moment on, he would never move on from her. It didn’t matter if hell froze over, if she left him, he would love her for the rest of his life.

He wasn’t usually one-hundred percent certain about things, he knew more than anyone, it doesn’t matter how much you think something is going to happen, and how much others tell you its going to happen, life has a way of messing things up. But he was certain of her. Of his love for her. In a world where he was surrounded by uncertainties, she was his constant. She was his home. His life. His love. His everything. His.

.・゜゜・　. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄　・゜゜・．

[gnabbang]

we hug now - sydney rose

~2.5k words

warnings: mentions of death, dealing with loss of a loved one, and poor writing (it's been a hot minute since I've actually written anything so this is to just dip my toes in- feedback is appreciated!)

(we hug now inspired this- i was in a mood)

not proof read- like at all!

⠀⠀⠀‿ ⠀⠀ ׅ ㅤ⠀⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀ ε❤︎︭з⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀⠀ ׅ ‿

Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a kpop star. I grew up with an older sister, and all she listened to was kpop, all she watched were kdramas. I had been surrounded by it since my eyes first opened. My parents as well, but as I got older they slowly became more attracted to western pop culture. 

My sister was one of my biggest inspirations, she was everything I wanted to grow up to be. She was kind, and smart, and I constantly found myself up against a wall, the words in my vocabulary not articulate enough to accurately put into words what she meant to me. 

Then suddenly my whole world came crashing down, because she was no longer in it. 

After she passed, I wanted nothing to do with what reminded me of her. I didn't listen to kpop anymore, in fact I didn't listen to music period. I didn't turn on the TV because all it would remind me of is the two of us, late at night watching shows together, trying to quiet our giggles while throwing snacks at each other. 

Then slowly, like things tend to do, it started getting easier, not better, but easier. I could listen to one of her favorite songs and only cry just a little, instead of a lot. I could watch a show, and enjoy it without feeling guilty about it, without feeling her missing presence, without feeling the gaping hole in my heart where she will forever occupy, but only in my mind- because I would never feel her touch again, never feel her warmth.

Eventually my dream began rearing its ugly head again, almost as if it was giving me time to heal. At first I was very against it, it just didn't seem right without my sister. But the more I thought about it, about her and about how she supported my dream, how she would watch me dance, help me in areas I struggled, and help me learn lyrics and tunes to songs. So eventually I sent in videos to any entertainment company that I saw was holding auditions. Eventually I was invited to do a private audition with JYP and got accepted into their trainee program.

I worked the hardest I ever had. I stayed late and got up early to train. I busted my ass, brought myself back from the breaking point more times than I could count, all for my sister. At the beginning this had been my dream, but now, I feel like it's become our dream, and I was determined to succeed, not matter what it took.

And so that's how I got here. 

It was close to eleven o'clock at night, I assumed most people were gone, I was accustomed to staying late, and today I needed the quiet of a training room especially. My parents had already called, the tears between us had already been spilt, but I hadn't given myself a moment to cry just for myself, for my sister. Not my parents' oldest daughter, for my best friend. 

I was sitting on the wood floor of the training room, my legs crisscrossed and a guitar in my arms, strumming gently to We Hug Now by Sydney Rose. I sang the lyrics softly, each syllable a punch in the throat. I could feel my throat drying, and slowly closing, my voice becoming scratchier and smaller as I continued. I wasn’t focused on perfection instead I chose to focus on how the song made me feel, the sadness, the bitter sweet happiness and the other feelings that I refused to name or give acknowledgment to; anger, frustration and betrayal.

In the most recent days after her passing I was sad, yes, but also unbelievably angry with her. How dare she leave me, how dare she. She broke her promise! I remember screaming at my parents the night they told me what had happened, remembering them saying words like terrible accident…died on route to the hospital… things I had heard, but hadn’t comprehended. She promised she’d always be here for me! I couldn’t fathom living in a world, growing up in a place where I didn’t have my sister. My sissy. It was a nickname I hadn’t called her since I was a child, something I had grown out of as we got older and eventually just started calling her by her name, or idiot, or stupid head. What I wouldn’t give to be able to call her sissy one more time.

Slowly as the song went on and as I sang the lyrics the tears came, welling up in my eyes making my vision blurry before they overflowed and began spilling down my cheeks. I finished the song with a crack in my voice and put the guitar down against the polished wood floors. I bent down, laying my forehead against my shins and finally let myself sink into the overwhelming grief of losing not only your sister but your best friend, your better half. It felt like I was 17 again, relearning what it felt like to live in a world where her room wasn't just a door down from mine, where we didn't find out who got priority over the car. All of the scenarios that neither of us will ever get to experience with each other were running through my head; She'll never be my maid of honor, I'll never get to see her walk down the aisle, I'll never get to be an aunt. 

I had been trying to keep my crying to myself but I couldn't help the small sob that escaped past my lips, and once one was out it was like the dam I had been trying to keep up began cracking, breaking apart at the seams and I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I couldn't control it, my mind was doing its own thing, creating scenarios that would never come to pass and-

"Hey, are you okay?"

My head snapped up and instantly my mouth glued itself shut. A few tears escaped my eyes but the shock of someone else being in the training room with me had momentarily scared the rest of the tears and sadness away, all that was left was a deep embarrassment that caused my whole face to go red and words to escape my mind. I stared at the man before me without saying anything, eyes wide, face slowly but surely turning a bright pink.

He looked a bit unsettled by my silence but also determined to make sure I was alright. "Sorry I don't mean to intrude but I heard you...crying in here and I just wanted to check in and make sure everything was okay," I blinked, clearing the last of the tears from my eyes and stared at him, taking in his features. His hair was curly, not in a permed way either, in a natural kind of way. His lips were full as well, slightly uneven with his bottom being a bit more full than the top, his brows here furrowed together, his concern evident on his face.

His eyes were locked into my face and it took me a second before I could find the words to respond. "I'm fine," I said quickly, once I could actually speak words again. "I didn't realize anyone could here me- yikes that's a bit embarrassing," I chuckled and tried to play it as a joke, something that could be laughed at, but all he did was stare at me, like he saw right through the act.

Before I knew it he was sitting down next to me, his legs crossing and his hands in his lap, his stare knowing. "Do you want to talk about it?" I knew that if, in that moment, I said nothing and left, he wouldn't say a word to anyone, he didn't have to say it, I saw it in his eyes. He was good, and not in that fake way, his soul was good through and through, an angel at heart. In a way, he reminded me of my sister. Someone so good that you could tell not even five minutes into knowing them. It brought tears back to my eyes, to which I turned away from him, blinking heavily, trying to get rid of them.

When I got my tears back under control and turned to face him, he was looking at me, the most patient expression on his face. We'll take this however you want it, he seemed to be saying. I swallowed, willing myself to breathe.

"It's the four year anniversary of my sister's passing," I watched his face as I said the words, watching him absorb them, watching the pity take over his features. I had to swallow back more tears and breathe through my mouth to help open my throat back up. 

He nodded slowly and looked at me, as if waiting for me to continue. 

"It's hard every year," I murmured, no longer able to hold eye contact with him, and instead focused my attention to the loose threads coming off of my baggy t-shirt. "But this, being here, this was my dream, a dream she had always tried to help me achieve. She would help me with my dancing technique, come with me to dance classes so I could improve, help me learn lyrics and sing them with me. She was...she was good, you know? Down to her bones, just one of the best people I knew." My voice broke and I felt a fresh wave of tears make the trek down my cheeks and onto the fabric of my shirt, getting soaked up by the cloth.

"It feels weird being here without her. Like imposter syndrome almost. Like I shouldn't be here when I know she isn't here, you know? Not like here training, but here in the world with me - she was supposed to stay with me dammit-" I put a hand over my eyes, pressing the pads of my fingers into them in an attempt to stop the crying. I felt a hand on my shoulder and leaned into it unconsciously, the warmth of the man beside me acting like a blanket almost. His hand rubbed my shoulder, and occasionally my back. 

He didn't say anything, he didn't give any comforting words, or anything in an attempt to make me feel better, and I appreciated him immensely for it. What could be said? Nothing you say to any one that has experienced a loss will make them feel better, because someone they loved is gone. Not gone even, they're dead. That is a hurt that no words could ever take away, or heal. 

Once I felt myself calm back down I sat up quickly and whipped my face, avoiding eye contact with him. "I am so sorry," I said hastily, "I can't believe I cried on you like that- that's so embarrassing," I laughed to myself and glanced at him from the corner of my eye, only to see him shaking his head.

"Don't apologize, what you went through..." He shook his head once more and seemed lost in thought for a moment. "It's something words can't describe. I'm sorry for you. For your family, for anyone who knew your sister. She sounds wonderful." I nodded in agreement and tilted my head back, smiling despite the few lingering tears sliding down from my eyes towards my jaw and disappearing into the hair on the nape of my neck. 

"I'm Chan," He said softly, and as I turned to look at him I felt myself pail. "Oh my goodness," I said to myself, shock making my eyes go wide. I just cried on the shoulder of the leader of Stray Kids.

I brought my head to my hands that had been resting on my legs and shook out of disbelief. "Wow- just when I thought I couldn't embarrass myself any more," I looked up at him and winced slightly- his features suddenly seemed so much more familiar without the haze of sadness and tears clouding my vision.

"I am so sorry- again- if I had known-" He cut me off with a look and shook his head at me. 

"Don't, don't be sorry. It doesn't matter who I am. What you went through...is, is horrible to say the least. I've seen people crumble and fall over less, so just- be proud of what your doing and the strength it takes to do it. Carrying on after a loved one has passed isn't an easy thing to do. You shouldn't ever apologize for giving yourself a minute or two to get in touch with your feelings, especially on a day like today."

I was stunned by his words. I wasn't apart of the Stray Kids fandom, but I had heard from friends who were that he was one of the most caring and kind people they had seen. I tend to take things like that with a grain of salt, especially if they're celebrities because its easy to put on a mask when the cameras are around but Chan truly was a good person. I wanted to thank him, but I didn't think a word I could say would truly describe how he helped me, even if it was just for five minutes or so. So I leaned over and gave him a quick hug, murmuring a soft thank you to him.

I leaned back onto my heels and gave him a shy smile. "When I woke up this morning this is not how I expected my day to go but, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, so thank you. For helping relieve some of my pain, truly I am...I am so grateful."

He stared up at me, smiling. "Of course..." His head tilted to the side, like he was missing a piece of information before it clicked in my head. "Oh! Sorry- it's [name]," I stuck a hand out and gave his a small shake, bending at the waist the best I could given the position I was in.

"Well, [name], if its any consolation I think your sister would be very proud of you and what your accomplishing." He stood then, and I followed, his words striking me like an arrow to the heart.

"Make sure you're not up to late okay? Being a trainee is no joke- you need to make sure you're well rested." I nodded and bowed properly this time.

"Thank you so much, again." I saw him nod just before he slipped out of the training room. Once he was gone I stood there, slightly light headed and swaying on my feet, a bit dazed and confused. Did that really just happen?

I turned around, grabbing my guitar and the rest of my belongings and left the practice room, making sure the lights were off before I shut the door. As I made my way to my dorm room I thought about what he said, about my sister being proud of me and felt my heart warm in my chest. I liked thinking she was at times, but hearing someone else confirm that belief made a world of difference. 

Chan was special, one of the good ones. And I had been lucky enough to witness that goodness first hand, to be on the receiving end of said goodness and compassion. 

⠀⠀⠀‿ ⠀⠀ ׅ ㅤ⠀⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀ ε❤︎︭з⠀⠀ 𝆬 ⠀⠀⠀ ׅ ‿

i feel like this is kind of all over the place but its lowkey been a long day and I honestly wanted to get over the hurdle of posting my first lil story

sorry if it doesn't make any sense i'll try and work on organizing better in the future- thanks!