goddessandking

[goddessandking]

I honestly did feel about 75% ready to go out this morning in spite of having spent most of my day in bed with achy joints and fever yesterday.

Got into West Hartford/Elizabeth Park perfectly. Wasn’t going for a record speed or anything; just wanted to move my body.

On the way home is where disaster struck. The surgical site on my knee started in with this stabbing pain, so I made myself at home in a bus shelter for a few minutes before I continued on. I wasn’t angry with myself, but I just sat, breathing and acknowledging that it was OK to take a break.

Got to the rainbow steps at that church on Farmington Avenue and puked my entire brains. Yesterday, I didn’t eat very much, and I could feel my pre-workout talking to me a little bit before I even got started, so that was my fault.

Anyway, I’m home. Feeling better because I’m not moving or throwing up. Almost 5 miles was worth it. Just like this hot ass shower and some food are gonna be worth it. #blackwomenrunners #fitnesswithlongcovid #mondaymonday

[goddessandking]

The night before a big event is fraught with an anxiety that feels almost palpable for me. Always has been been.

I awaken in the middle of the night, disoriented and with my heart racing. There are also tears, burning and stinging my eyes. Yes; anxiety will wake you up out of your sleep weeping.

It's like my body has a mind of its own, responding to the stress of her own accord. I stumble to the bathroom just in time, and my stomach violently empties itself as if to purge the jitters within. After several of the longest minutes I manage to hobble (upon waking, my knee is very stiff) back to bed, but my heart is still threatening mutiny from its bony cage.

Lying there in the darkness with Alexa’s rain sounds lulling me back to slumber, doubt creeps in, gnawing at my confidence. But then, I remember everything I've fought through to get here: balancing full-time work with parenting, battling through illness, enduring surgery. Each struggle a test. Hercules and his labors ain’t got shit on what I did to get here. 

Drawing strength from those memories, I decide to take some anti-nausea medication to settle my stomach. Shout out to Zofran, which is the head of my life… Lol! I can't let this feeling beat me.

Today is one of the biggest days of my life, and I resolve to face it like the warrior woman I am. I remind myself that I've overcome so much already, and I can push through this too. One step at a time, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, Zofran in my pocket, I will make it through the day.

Celebrating. Victorious.

Happy Graduation Day to me.

#mfa

[goddessandking]

Not long ago, I found myself facing an unexpected challenge: knee surgery.

It's been 109 days since that fateful day, and my journey to recovery has been a testament to the ongoing battle between my mind and body. When I returned to work, I jumped straight back into 50-hour weeks, determined to keep up with my responsibilities and maintain some semblance of normalcy. However, the fatigue that comes with these long days has been a constant reminder of my physical limits.

Walking around with a cane has become part of my daily routine. People are incredibly kind and understanding, often offering help or a friendly word of encouragement. Despite their support, the reality of needing assistance is a humbling experience. Each step I take is a conscious effort, a blend of physical strain and mental determination.

Even on the hardest days, I force myself to get up and move. It's not just about physical rehabilitation; it's about proving to myself that I can overcome this hurdle. The movement has become a metaphor for my life, propelling me forward in all aspects—professionally, as a parent, and as a person.

Professionally, this experience has deepened my empathy and resilience. I understand better the struggles that others might be facing, visible or not. It has made me a more patient and compassionate educator, knowing firsthand the power of perseverance and support.

As a parent, my determination to keep moving despite the pain serves as a powerful example for my children. They see my struggle, but they also see my unwavering commitment to getting better. It’s a lesson in resilience, showing them that challenges are an inevitable part of life but facing them head-on is how we grow stronger.

On a personal level, this journey has pushed me to want more and better for myself. The physical battle against my knee pain mirrors the internal struggle to improve and evolve. Every step forward is a small victory, fueling my desire to continue pushing boundaries and reaching new heights.

In this ongoing battle between my mind and body, I’ve learned that movement is more than just a physical act—it’s a symbol of progress and hope. It reminds me that even in the face of adversity, we have the power to propel ourselves forward, one step at a time.

https://gofund.me/001532fc

[goddessandking]

Psst.

As an educator, there’s a way to do all kinds of things where I don’t lose my job AND kids still get to see healthy boundaries modeled.

I teach fifth grade. I am a side hugger with all my kids, but especially my little boys for obvious reasons, I think. We fist bump, dap each other up, celebrate birthdays with lunch and little treats for the whole class, that kind of thing.

One thing I also do is listen really hard to what my parents are saying and not saying about the experiences their kids have had in school already, as well as the experiences they themselves have had in school. That’s more important than a lot of folks realize.

Something else I do? I listen to KIDS. I have a couple of kids who would jump out of their skin if I hugged them, so I don’t. Because that’s a boundary they have.

This job is HARD.

But this part is NOT.

To that end, your child will NEVER sit in a classroom where I lead/learn/teach and have their hands in my head for any reason.

I said what I said. Debate your district. 

[goddessandking]

This spring marks a personal season of celebration filled with remarkable milestones and achievements. It begins with my fifth-grade students being promoted to sixth grade. Witnessing their growth and readiness to embark on the next stage of their educational journey is profoundly rewarding. As an educator, seeing the culmination of a year's hard work and dedication in their success is a moment of pride and joy.

Adding to this is my own graduation ceremony for my master's degree in just two days. This achievement represents years of dedication, late nights, and relentless pursuit of personal and professional growth. Earning my master's degree is a testament to my commitment to lifelong learning and the ability to balance multiple responsibilities. It’s a significant personal accomplishment that validates the hard work and perseverance I’ve invested.

Next month, my youngest child will graduate from high school, marking another significant transition. This milestone symbolizes his journey into adulthood, filled with new opportunities and challenges. As a parent, this moment is both joyous and bittersweet, filled with pride in their achievements and anticipation for their future.

It is crucial that I center joy and stay afloat during these moments because they are fleeting and precious. Celebrating these milestones is not just about acknowledging achievements but also about honoring the journey, the hard work, and the growth that each of these events represents. It’s essential to be fully present, to savor the joy, and to create lasting memories that will inspire and sustain us through future challenges.

Balancing these celebrations requires a focus on the positive, ensuring that the stresses and demands of life do not overshadow the joy. It’s a time to embrace gratitude, recognizing the support systems and personal resilience that have made these achievements possible. Centering joy also serves as a reminder of the purpose and fulfillment that come from our roles as educators, learners, and parents.

By celebrating these milestones, we reinforce our sense of accomplishment and motivation. It becomes a source of strength, reminding us that our efforts yield meaningful and impactful results. In staying afloat amidst these celebrations, we cultivate a sense of balance, ensuring that we continue to thrive and inspire those around us.

This season of celebration is a tapestry of personal and collective achievements, woven with moments of pride, joy, and fulfillment. Embracing these moments wholeheartedly enriches our lives and strengthens our resolve to continue striving for excellence in all our endeavors.

[goddessandking]

I am going to write a story of the past 20 years, and people will swear it is science fiction.

In it, I will describe love, loss and a return to life on my terms. People will say it’s not true.

I will speak of my ability to change shape based on my environment. People will say that Shapeshifters don’t exist.

I will chant and sing of my warrior spirit, as well as that of my nurturing side. People will say that warriors don’t wear glasses, and that they certainly don’t have bad knees.

Nevertheless, I will write it, and it will all be true.

Those of you who exist with me here, in the now, will know the words before they open the book. For that, I am grateful.

You watched the broken lover rebuild herself.

Saw the shifting into so many shapes.

Heard the song I sung and told all who would interfere “don’t fuck with that girl; she’s not one of them.“

Again, grateful.

Come be a part of why I continue to love, serve, and change. Thank you.

#blackwriters #blackeducators #fundraising #helpmehelpyou #andkeepreading

[goddessandking]

📢 Fundraising Update! 📢

Dear Supporters,

I’ve been holding steady at $1875.00 for the past two days, and I’m incredibly grateful for the support thus far. Every contribution brings me closer to my goal, and we're now just $325.00 away from reaching the finish line!

Now I understand that everyone has their own obligations, but time is of the essence. With just $32.50 from 10 donors, we can seal the deal and make a significant impact. Your contribution matters now more than ever, and together, we can make a difference.

Thank you for your continued support and generosity.

-d

[goddessandking]

(this one is about the time I came back to work from having knee surgery, and one of my favorite students realized I was back)

Reunion

a child peeked into a window and

interrupted his own

bathroom break hijinks

when he saw her

eyes ringed with too much sleep

vantablack liner

nails in her favored blush shade she

gestured for someone to grab a pencil from her hand

his mouth formed an oooooooo

at the moment she looked up to see him

his face split into joy oooooooo

his hand jiggled the doorknob and her mouth curved

she asked someone to open the door to let him in

the hug he’d needed for all these weeks was here

she hadn’t left him

she had her arms around him smelling of cocoa butter and dry erase ink

she hadn’t left him—or any of them

and all she could do was say

“i missed you, too, little boy. Now go to class.”

[goddessandking]

(I wrote this anecdote from the vantage point of my mother as a younger woman, dealing with the death of her eldest brother and mother. If you like it, consider donating to my GoFundMe: https://gofund.me/001532fc)

It was a chilly night in January when it happened.

To avoid the kids complaining about the cold, I had bundled everyone up in my bed, and set about the task of preparing for sleep myself. My dark skin glistened thanks to Pond’s cold cream, and I tied a turquoise head wrap about my afro. The housedress I wore was a bit ragged at the hem, but comfortable. Perfect for a woman of 28 who had buried her mother the year before, and whose eldest brother currently lay in the ground as of 12 hours ago.

I knelt alongside my bed, wincing a bit as my nose came into contact with the foot of my 9-year-old daughter, folded my hands, and prayed. It was how I began and ended every day since I was a small child. Then gingerly, I rose, dusted my knees off a bit, and got into bed. My brain felt the way it did when I’d had too much wine; a swirling haze of color and form that didn’t really make much sense. Kind of like my last year or so. I swallowed to avoid the tears I felt coming and slowly felt sleep overtake me.

It was not to be a restful slumber. My oldest was now moving about in bed, surely feeling my grief, and I was awake to soothe her. An hour later the youngest was asking for water. Eyes closed, I flopped onto my back, hoping that she’d think I was still asleep and fetch the drink herself.

And that was when I heard him say “Girl, get UP!”

My brother Leon’s voice, as clear as if he were in the room. I shut my eyes tighter, fearing that he would certainly have to carry me off to the underworld with him were I to open my eyes and see him in the room.

“I said, get UP!”

Irritated, I sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing my eyes and mumbling various invectives as his voice continued to urge me…get up, girl, get UP!

I decided to do a quick sweep of the house again, and what I found in the kitchen astounded me. I guess I had left the stove on after dinner, and the smell of the natural gas permeated the entire room. How long had it been on, I wasn’t sure, but that night I learned the value of listening even when you can’t believe your ears.

[goddessandking]

So, yeah. I’m graduating with my MFA in creative writing in five days. I guess I’m gonna use this space for writing/crowd funding, as I’m also a public school teacher, parent, and broke as hell on a good day. Stay tuned…