gogorenfro-blog

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“Gays? Over My Dead Body.” - Jesus

Believers and non-believers alike have been patiently awaiting the return of “His, Son, Jesus Christ” (though for very different reasons).  Well folks, the wait is over and He chose April 30, 2015 to make his presence known through the physical body of everyone’s favorite “Nebrakan” illiterate, “I Sylvia Ann Driskell”.

I’m very intrigued by this lady and I think you will be too.  Let’s take a look shall we?  

Jesus v. The Gays: An Observation

1.  Lets start with the college ruled notebook paper it is hand written on.  Your reference is not lost on me Sylvia!  College: when everyone was a little gay that one time #weweredrunk #itsfiiiiiine.

2.  “To United State District Court...” - does she know there is more than one state? does she know what united means? so many questions.

3.  Plaintiff’s and Defendant’s feature some erroneous and unnecessary punctuation (much like gays have their erroneous and unnecessary gay sex amirite?)

4.   This is the first time we are officially introduced to Body Snatched by Jesus or as she likes to refer to herself...”I Sylvia Ann Driskell”.

5.  In addition to “I Sylvia”, we have a pissed off “God, and His, Son, Jesus Christ”.  We also have a lady shooting out commas at random like a t-shirt gun at a football game.

6.  Now “I Sylvia” and her holy posse have a bone to pick with the Homosexuals.  “Their Given Name Homosexuals” “Their, Alis Gay” - She either meant to write anus or “I Sylvia” (Jesus) is showing the first of many cracks in her Grammar Castle.  Let’s continue.

7.  Paragraph Numero Uno - “I Sylvia” starts off strong by misspelling the name of her home state. The state where she lives.  You know, “Nebraka”.

8.  Paragraph Two - “I Sylvia” (and/or Jesus) mentions “Nebraka” again then asks the all important question “Is Homosexuality a sin, or not a sin.” - I’m not sure, but using a period when you are asking a question certainly is.

9.  Paragraph Three - “...an they have the right to marry, to be parents, And God doesn’t care that their homosexuals; because He loves them” - He certainly does “I Sylvia”, but you know what He doesn’t love? Not knowing the difference between they’re and their.

10. Paragraph Five - “Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. it is ambomination” - God. - The only abomination here “I Sylvia” (God?) is your grammar and spelling.

11. Paragraph Seven - “...to the rich an famous and to the not so rich an famous” - Girl, the and is missing the D.  Much like myself right now. Hey-o!

12. Paragraph Nine - “...homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in a closet?” - “I Sylvia” your logic game is strong but I also spent much of my youth hiding in closets. Its where heaven is and you have to be in there for 7 minutes.

13. Paragraph Ten - “I Sylvia Ann Driskell refer to Webster Dictionary” - Now, Sylvia. Look at me Sylvia. God may hate the gays but he also hates liars.

14. Paragraph Twelve - God tells us in “Jenesis” - Jenesis?! Jenesis ain’t no country I ever heard of!  Do they speak English in Jenesis?! No? Oh.

15. Paragraph Sixteen - “...its not just being able to give life to a child that makes a parent...” - Exactly, “I Sylvia”! Preach!

16. Paragraph Seventeen - “...a good parent is not just a father or a mother that tells their children whats right. Its the parent that walks the walk and that talks the talk, who are the example of what they teach.” - Parents invented the phrase “do what I say, not what I do”. You are literally a hero to teenagers everywhere.  Parents need to lead by example. Giving themselves curfews. Making out but ‘not doing ANYTHING below the waist’. Saying they are spending the night at Jenny’s and ACTUALLY spending the night at Jenny’s!

17. Paragraph Seventeen - “...thats why their children know right from wrong.” - Maybe “I Sylvia”.  But I know right from wrong from the belt.  And sometimes the hair brush.  Really just a matter of whatever was closer when I chose to be brave. Like telling my mom to shut up while looking deep into her eyes.

18. Paragraph Eighteen - “...we also know that if a child is raised in a home of liers, an deceivers, and thieves that it is reasonable to believe that child will grow up to be one of the three, are all three” - By this logic Syl, can I call you Syl? I think its safe to assume your children are illiterate.

19. Paragraph Twenty - “...that God doesn’t care that their homosexual, because he loves them” - Use “their” incorrectly once? Shame on you. Use it incorrectly twice? The homosexual agenda.

20. Paragraph Twenty-One - “For the wrath of God is reveald” - Know what else is revealed, “I Sylvia”? The public school system is failing us.

21. Paragraph Twenty-Three - “...and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator...” - Show me a homosexual and I will show you a homosexual’s pet that has been to a doggy spa.

22. Paragraph Twenty-Six - “...and with his stripes we are heald” - Want to beat. But horse already dead.

23. Paragraph Twenty-Seven - “...Father forgive them; for they know not what they do.” - I think they do ol’ girl. One doesn’t just watch every John Waters film or join the softball team by accident. Very. Deliberate. Moves.

24. Paragraph Twenty-Eight - Here is when “I Sylvia” (God/Jesus) spits some game, shoots from the hip, free styles, if you will.  This is what we have been training for.

“...our great nation of the United State of America” - I’m now confident she does not know “Nebraka” isn’t the entire country.  One, big, giant, state (two can play the t-shirt gun comma game!) Republicans rejoice!

“...look what happen to Sodom and Gomorrah two city because of the same immoral behavior that’s present in our Nation, in our states (she DOES KNOW there is more than one! Crafty old bat!), and our cities; God destroy them.” - I’m not sure what I just read but I AM sure she was having a stroke while she wrote it.

“I’m sixty six years old, an I never...” - learned the word and.

“Why are judges passing laws, so sinners can break religious, and moral laws.” - I will type this s l o w l y. Because laws are things judges pass. Those other things are not laws. Facts are annoying (just like those fairies whining about human rights).

“Will all the judges of this Nation, judge God to be a lier.” - Will you ever learn to use a question mark. Will you ever learn to spell. These are all very good questions?

In summation, “I Sylvia Ann Driskell” is a real American, or “Nebrakan” as it were. And though she didn’t sign up for this, when “God, And His, Son, Jesus” tap you to sue some homosexuals with them because the Holy Spirit was on vaca, then by God (literally), you sue some homosexuals.

Read this literary treasure here:  http://ia801502.us.archive.org/2/items/gov.uscourts.ned.69317/gov.uscourts.ned.69317.1.0.pdf

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As you may know my friend is participating on The Bachelorette. As you may also know, he wore a vest. In public. On TV. Then I found this snapshot on the interewebs. So naturally, I've sought out a drug dealer and a life coach to get me through this.

To my friend Michael G: Despite defending yourself over text last night...that tie looked like wallpaper in a bordello.

Enough about you...lets discuss the remaining ladies:

Ben - is a hot Dallas prick and reminds me of all of my friends back home. I like him. I especially like that he doesn't even like his own kid.  As much as you want to say this "isn't a game", it is a reality competition show and he's outplaying everyone.  However, you aren't going to let it stand so I am really looking forward to next week.

Brooks - looks like he cries after he masturbates.  what a pussy.

Bryden - looks like Frankenstein.

Chris - wants to be a cross dressing poet and doesn't care who knows it. I think he's a weirdo which I like.  I also think he's gay, which I also like.

Drew - I had to look up his name because he's so boring. I think Des is a complete snooze fest as well so I anticipate he goes far.

James - lives in Chicago but there is no way I will be convinced he is not from Strong Island. James threads his eyebrows and gets bikini waxes.   

Juan Pablo - is hot and doesn't even know who Des is. He would sleep with her but fears she only does missionary which he hasn't done since the 6th grade. He is just using this show to maximize his pussy potential.

Kasey - is the worst. the literal worst. the fact he is still around after that rooftop debacle and frequent use of verbal hash tags just proves Des is retarded.

Mikey T. - looks like he smells. his entire outfit was too small, too tight and was riding up his ass. i was offended both by his ensemble and his absurd "talent" which involved humping the air and removing his hoodie.

Zak W. - creeps me out. he comes off like a hyper musical theater kid with a cartoon character face. he is also most likely gay.

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my buddy mike.

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Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!

FRUIT SALAD

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb. bag of Skittles

3 cups ranch dressing

DIRECTIONS:

Mix well. Serve room temperature.

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HELL Mary

The things I will go through to day drink:

I am writing from onboard US Airways flight 487 Denver-bound, for a weekend of pretending to ride a snowboard in order to attempt to ride a snowboarder.  It all started with a simple request.

I asked the flight attendant a Bloody Mary.  She asked if I wanted just the mix or if I wanted vodka with it...I just blinked at her as I did not understand the question.  After stating I would, in fact, like an actual Bloody Mary, with actual vodka, she informs me she will be needing to check my ID.  Again, I just stared at her with my mouth open...allow me to set the scene:  I am sitting in the middle seat with people on either side of me (strike 1), I have my tray table down WITH my laptop out and open on top of it (strike 2 & 3), I have a cup of water already balanced on this tray with my laptop (strike 4) and finally, my bags are shoved under the seat in front of me with no way to access them (strike 5-99).

I ask the woman if she is serious, while gesturing to my situation, and tell her I am almost 30 years old.  She says she is serious and I look AWFULLY good for 30...as if I have staged this whole scene because I am 20 years old and attempting to finagle an illegal drink out of her.  It is at this point my soul starts to rot and I start fantasizing about ways to kill her without spilling my water on my computer.  I am basically forced to fingerbang the lady sitting next to me while trying to reach under this tray, breasts on keyboard, face smashed against my computer screen and hair in my water.  After jabbing blindly in between everyone's legs, I finally locate my bags and attempt to find my ID without looking.  As I am doing this, the flight attendant informs me I should get organized.  More death fantasies.  At this point I'm over it, I am sweating like Tim Tebow at a Boy Scout camp and I just want to say forget it...but I refuse to give this woman the satisfaction and also, I went from wanting a drink to needing one.

I realize my ID is not in my bags at all and in my coat in the overhead bin.  I share this information with her and ask her to "fetch my coat".  Phrasing intentional.  She hands it to me, I give her the ID and give her a death stare.  She hands it back to me as I am trying to give her back the coat and put the ID in my bag below me (more hands touching unfortunate things).  I put my credit card in between my teeth because I have 4,000 things in my hands and lap, when she holds her hand out like a bitchy teenage daughter demanding my CC.  I hand it to her and she dramatically wipes it on her apron as if I had just fellated it and says "REALLY?!".  Yes, bitch.  Really.  I want to ask you the same question regarding this ridiculous ordeal but now I am pot invested and I am seeing it through.  She makes some snide remark about me being only 28, I let her know I'll be 30 at the end of March, mathematics and whatnot.  She hands my card back and I tip my drink toward her and give her an air cheers.  Thank you for flying Go Fuck Yourself Airlines.  If I wasn't on this plane...I would want it to crash.

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Hipsters Are Mature

I went to a coffee shop in Williamsburg today for a cup of coffee and to study like the dedicated student that I am.  I sat down, turned on my AirPort and looked for the shop's free wi-fi when I came across this:

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Norv Turner Is A Dildo

Another season, another year of Norv Turner making this face at his players and of America making this face at his coaching skills.  This is a list of things I would like to do to Norv Turner if he delivers another anti-climactic year with a roster that is the envy of the NFL:

1.  Poison his pets, bake them into a meatloaf and send it with a note that says "Petter Luck Next Time!" and hope he doesn't notice.

2.  Give his job to a blind, one-armed, ginger with Down's Syndrome and see the Chargers get past Round 1 of the playoffs.

3.  Shove his nose in his shitty play calling like a dog and yell "NO! BAD COACH!".

4.  Force him to open a Mani/Pedi salon with fellow tampon Wade Phillips.

5.  Send him to coach the Buffalo Bills.

6.  Force him to watch Rudy so he can see what winning looks like.

7.  Make him watch the WNBA.

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Secrets of Wall Street

My friend works on Wall Street in finance.  If you want to know what Wall Street is doing to get the economy back on track...its this:

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Tyra Banks continues making a fool of herself...this time by pretending to be an author by inserting "supermodel" everywhere J.K. Rowling wrote "Harry Potter".  In college this is called plagiarizing, for Tyra, we let it slide because this special kind of crazy is so god damn entertaining.

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Waiting for Super(Rich)Man

I recently saw Waiting for Superman, a devastating documentary about the state of the American education system.  We have not only fallen behind in traditional education now we have fallen behind in educating our gold digging whores (a profession we invented).  The Chinese are beating us at our own game.  They have not only bought our debt, they are teaching their women how to spend it.  China-3 Trillion, America-0.

http://globalpublicsquare.blogs.cnn.com/2011/07/19/beijing-school-instructs-chinese-girls-on-how-to-marry-rich/?hpt=hp_bn2

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JLo Awakens From Coma...Thinks Ben Affleck Has Been Wearing Scary Mask To Bed

JLo's vision has been restored and she has ended sham marriage divorced Marc Anthony.  In her "blind" determination to become inseminated, she "lost sight" of what was important.  Having sex with your "eyes wide shut" can result in procreating with the swamp thing and contaminating your children's DNA.  I wonder what is going to happen now that she can clearly see her children.

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Jessica Simpson Has Gone From Embarrassing Herself To Embarrassing Me

I couldn't have said it better myself:

"Jessica Simpson announced her new fragrance today, a perfume called ‘I Fancy You.’ You read that right by the way. ‘I Fancy You’. Her perfume is called ‘I Fancy You’. Because nothing gets a guy hotter than hundred year old phrases his grandmother used. I also like my girlfriend to wear a white wig and bifocals and a sweater with a Christmas tree on it, and when I fuck her in the ass she looks over her shoulder at me and yells, “you kids get outa there!” Finally, a perfume for me!"

http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/07/you-have-got-to-be-gd-kidding-me/

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Florida: America's Cemetary

A man died in Orange County, FL (home of Caylee Anthony's dead body) while working on an amusement park ride.  Luckily for the amusement park, they will just be accused of molesting the man and then be found not responsible for the death.  Ahhhhh...its good to be white...and live in Florida

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2011/07/02/amusement.park.accident.cfnews13?iref=allsearch

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Even the God I Don't Believe In Is Pissed...

It is one thing to get sentenced to only 4 years for lying during a murder investigation (because innocent people typically lie), but it is quite another to evade the death penalty for wearing a BUMP-IT in public.  Legal system fail.  Fashion Police double fail.

http://www.thesuperficial.com/lightning-caylee-anthony-memorial-07-2011

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Don't F*ck With The Lords of Hair

Middle Eastern men just don't want women having best gays...hair-esy I say.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-14050894