gothfionaapple - Tumblr blog

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looksmaxxing this

bio hacking that

what ever happened to being emo

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Vampyrella

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How to go to the Pub (in Red and Blue) – created for Framework Magazine, Touched. Edited by Laura Luciana. Made in collaboration with Heath Latty & intended to be accompanied by a performance work (last performed on the 14.12.23).

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The Circus Jerks, 2023.

Thanks to:

Heath Latty

Finn Harper-Cass

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Struggling / Striving / Hanging / Tying – double channel video work. Installed at Close Encounters, Schmick Contemporary, Sydney.

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Recording of “Ode to a Lighter”, performed live at the opening night for Bonfire, Flow Studios, 19.04.2023 –curated by Levent Kaya.

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Audio from rehearsal of ‘Explaining Myself’, performed live at Playing House on the 25.05.2023.

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I find it difficult to believe that new year’s day is the best time for deciding what changes to make - you may not realise, but you’ve spent the last couple months being flooded with advertising that slowly primes you for the realisation that you are indeed too unfit, too lazy, too distracted, sub-optimal, etc etc. You ate too much over Christmas, you drank too much on new years, now you might find yourself - just like everybody else - deciding to exercise more, drink less, focus on your career, be more outgoing, or whatever else it is salaried people care about. However, I - also like everybody else - rely on arbitrary markers of time to make sense of the world. And I don’t rejoice at tearing down the things that hold people in one piece, keeping everyone from crumbling at the largeness of the world. So, 2024 resolutions:

I would like to be more warm and present, less self aware. I’m trying to practice a level of genuine openness that I don’t normally feel comfortable with. Ultimately I would love to be the kind of person that people find easy to talk to - at the moment I’m aware that I have an awkwardness about me that can come across as rude or indifferent. I wouldn’t mind appearing this way if I had ever been indifferent about anything in my entire life.

I also want to use my phone, namely social media, more. I think I might be the only person with this resolution. I’m so bad at replying to people or knowing what’s going on at all. I think it’s currently a disservice to be so unaware of my larger social world.

Lastly, I hope to get more of my thoughts out of my head in a clearer way. I cant help when using this page to be so grossed out by my self focus, which is odd because I decided to use it like a diary rather than focusing on the idea that anyone might read anything here (which realistically isn’t going to happen unless I let it). So the fictional reader might notice that I’m writing poorly and with lots of “I”. But I’m trying to get comfier with just letting things go somewhere else so I don’t have to think about it anymore, and so that when I do write I can dump and edit rather than begin at a high standard that I cant actually maintain. I’m also forcing myself to be okay with writing in this sort of crap first person stream-of-consciousness way so that when I write in a more separated way I can place myself in there more, and find a way to express my position on it all. Does it make sense? Not really. You, the fictional reader, might find that all of these resolutions come back to me struggling to exist within rather than outside of. As someone who loves art that is contextual, and who loves their own context, I struggle to actually see myself in that context. A drunk friend a couple months ago said my greatest weakness (after I asked) was that I need to see that I also have what I admire about the world. If he ever reads this and thinks that’s not what he said, please correct me because I was pretty drunk too. But I’ll take it as I remember it! I think he just meant that I seem to observe a lot more than I exist. I’ve had that pretty confirmed in other ways.

So, the goal is to try and be in the world, somehow. It’s exhausting dumping these kind of feelings onto a keyboard. Do I need a sign off? Maybe. I’ve never been very good at concluding things appropriately.

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New Years Eve

I don’t really like NYE but I’ll take any opportunity to categorise. My run down of 2023 in case I need a comparison next year:

I watched all of the Handmaids Tale so far. I think it’s genuinely the best television that has ever existed and maybe ever will. The layers of visual theory, symbolism and character depth is unmatchable. It’s a brutal show, and hard to watch at times, but at least the assault scenes don’t feel like a director had to watch hardc0re p0 rn to get the visual direction needed *.

I genuinely believe the best movie I watched - although there were some incredible ones - was Rise of the Planet of the Apes. The rest of the series so far is pretty good too. It reads like a recipe for revolution.

To make a note on watching things, and reviewing them, over this year I’ve become convinced that 80% of “movie critics” don’t know how to watch a movie. Especially the most revered ones. I cant stand reading a review about a historical drama that only talks about the accuracy of the historical moments - a movie is a dramatic audio-visual storytelling medium that builds worlds around a core thesis or idea about what being human is - not a history channel clip to play in a year 9 class. It’s a cheap attack that’s often made on films that pay attention to race and gender. There are so many other examples of this** and it made me angry lots of times this year.

I barely read or listened to anything substantial, or I did and I don’t remember any of it enough. This just wasn’t my year for focus or exploration. I looked at a lot of art but it all sort of runs over me sometimes and nothing truly stuck. Except for some Dadaist stuff which I think about all the time.

I started the year a lot more malnourished and unhealthy than I am now. I quit smoking nearly 3 weeks ago, which is huge for me 4 weeks ago, who didn’t think it was possible. The odd thing about making big changes like eating breakfast and not smoking (both life changing) is that nobody really cares, because you were the only one who thought about it all the time. But there’s a couple less things I need to punish myself for.

On that, addiction & addictive patterns have been a huge thing in my life, whether my own cycles or other people’s, and it’s nice to kick a couple habits. It’s frustrating knowing that the medium has to be substituted, not disappeared, but I’ve found some benefits to having this personality type, or at least managed to convince myself that it’s healthy to do puzzles for at least an hour everyday (what am I training for??).

While this is all very lighthearted, 2023 was otherwise pretty atrocious, with much more time spent in hospitals (and funeral homes) than I planned for. I’ve never felt so under attack by fate in my life! But, unfortunately, I’m not stupid enough to think that these things have to be confined to a calendar year, so I wont say that I’m glad it’s over.

On my final note, shoutout to Sydney for being so sexy this year. I’m grateful to have been witness to such incredible vibes, and some really great ribbon-in-hair action. I love this city with my whole heart.

* maybe next year I will write my analysis of assault scenes in film and put it here for no one to read

** maybe I will also write a critique of my least favourite popular critics.

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Prototype end credits developed from foley recordings

Foley recordings used loosely to describe a current process of recording any contrasting or complimentary audio/visual things going on mostly in my living room

End credits also used loosely to describe something that will never happen - but if you can imagine it :)

Thankyou R.M.F.C. - I dont know how to credit music on YouTube

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Q: If women are from Venus and men are from Mars, why is my Venus in Mars?

A: I wear many different hats

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I’m at an odd stage in my life that I realised I’ve experienced before – last year I had a spring of energy, followed by a summer of excitement and excess, followed by a year of big difficulties out of my control, overwhelming responsibility and a slow building chronic burnout. I find myself nearing the end of this year feeling a familiar sense of paranoia, deflation and an existential loss of self and confidence. Last time I experienced this cycle I spent another year feeling worse, waking up at midday and uncontrollably sobbing for a few hours, throwing up, and fucking with my hair. Eventually I felt better again in a more whole way than the spring but now, re-experiencing this pattern, I don’t have the capacity to spend everyday for the next year rotting amongst my own big feelings.

So, despite my better judgement, I am trying to interrupt this looming feeling by placing some of my brain on the internet so that I can sort through it like a manila folder rather than wading in it’s muck. I normally don’t like to focus so much on the “i” but I’m currently learning to accept that I am, unfortunately, burdened by a sense of individuality.

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