gracelandgirll

[gracelandgirll]

a poem about last night

a girl stays round your house because she’s blackout drunk and i have a few questions

you answer them and say sorry and then u tell me you feel like it won’t work out

between us i mean

then the call ends and im left crying

i text you that it breaks my heart you feel this way

and you tell me im your soulmate but the timings all wrong

the timing been wrong 5 or 6 times now

how can you keep doing this to me

your hurting my chest and burning my skin

my light is pulsing and dimming

if your my soul mate why don’t you care for my soul

nurture me and love me

gentle hands and soft tones for me

make me feel your warmth

be the sun but do not burn me

stroke my hair and say i’m yours until we die

[gracelandgirll]

just stuttered saying my own name in a lecture i want to crawl into a hole and d13 🙇‍♀️

[gracelandgirll]

I’ve done everything but the last so far

[gracelandgirll]

RIP Shelly Duvall, you will be missed 🎀🪦 She passed on the 11/7/24.

[gracelandgirll]

Can 'Love' as a concept even be defined?

I’ve been reading ‘Everything I Know About Love’ by Dolly Alderman for quite some time now. I’m slowly chipping away at the pages everytime I feel I need some wisdom, reassurance, and even some 2nd hand embarrassment to make myself feel better about all the mortifying things I’ve done in my life thus far (schadenfreude). The funny, fictional memoir on Dolly’s love life is truly a master piece, and I treat it as my own sacred text.

As I continue to heal from my most recent heartbreak (”still?!”- I know), I’ve recently began reflectioning on everything I know about love, now at 19. The truth is, despite having had sex with quite a few guys (and girl), having been on numerous dates, having had two official boyfriends, and having said I love you to several people, I feel as though I really don’t know much at all. I mean, I know what it feels like to love a particular person, and I could write poetry, books and paint the love I had for my ex (L), but I couldn’t quantify what love itself is like in the general sense.

This led me to wonder: does love even have a singular definition? Or is it different shapes, colours, and textures with every individual person you feel ‘it’ for? To me, I feel as though the love I had for L was so different for the love I had for G, that it may as well have been a different emotion all together. This got me thinking: Is the reason why some many of us question whether our last relationship was really ‘true love’ as soon as we fall in love with someone new, due to Love itself appearing completely disimilar with a different individual.

Maybe we were really in love with our distant ex, but perhaps that was just one of the many forms love takes- like strands of Covid (and yes, I did just compare the most complex and nuanced emotion known to humankind to an infectious disease). I guess love can feel a bit like a disease sometimes.

[gracelandgirll]

I feel like a fool

Wednesday 7th July, 18:24

Do you ever feel embarassed to merely exist? Because I do, like, ALL OF THE TIME. It feels like I have chronic hanxiety even if havent been drinking. I’m trying to be confident and positive and happy but I keep failing. I’ve bought crystals like solalite to increase self-esteem, I’ve started playing tennis, I’ve kissed strangers in the club to gain some sort of vaidation but I still feel like a fool. I keep hoping for some big empiphany, like I’ll wake up one day having found myself but I honestly feel like I’m regressing as a human being. 2024 has not been my year. I’ve had clamydia, a broken heart, and a 3 weeks ago I unexpectingly lost my nanny to cancer. I think I need to go back to having therapy weekly rather than fortnightly. This is the first time I’ve skipped a session and I feel like I’m spiralling. After having watched inside out 2 I can imagine anxiety is having a feild day right now inside my head; pressing all the buttons while joy is banished in the back of my mind. My nan’s funeral is tomorrow and I really don’t want to go. - Not in the sense that I don’t want to be there in general, but in the sense that I don’t want it to be real; I don’t want her to be actually gone, and I feel like her funeral will conclude that. I also turn 19 in 3 days, which will be the first birthay where my nan won’t have written a card for me, or called to say happy birthday the day before becuase every year she convices herself that I was born on the 9th and not in fact the 10th. And it’s raining. So… there’s that.

[gracelandgirll]

This is me trying

This is me trying to do the best with the resources I currently have. And I really don't have many at this point. He broke up with me a second time; a day after saying he wanted me to be his girlfriend again. It will never make any sense to me. I've spent the majority of the last 2 and a half weeks crying and trying to make sense of it all. But every time I break contact I seem to know less than before. He keeps changing his reasons. First, it was because he wanted to sleep with other people and he was beginning to resent me for forcing monogamy onto him?! Then it was because he was still hung up on his ex and, while I was crying over him, he was reminiscing over how 'in love' he was. Next was that he had unresolved feelings for his friend. Then finally he apparently just wants to be alone. Like, he could have started with that one ffs. It could have saved me from some emotional damage.

I said to him on the morning he left, 'I just wish I was enough'. And he replied, 'You are enough, just not enough for me'. And that broke my heart.

I need to let go of him now. Even if he won't fully let go of me. Because, like Olivia Rodrigo said, 'if I'm not enough for you, you're not enough for me'.

[gracelandgirll]

when I'm sad I get so fucking poetic

[gracelandgirll]

No one makes me cry like he does.

Date: 01/03/2024, Time: 7:22am

No one makes me cry like he does. No one makes me sob so uncontrollably with my full body and soul like him. Loving him can be so painful sometimes. But it’s also euphoric. Loving him is simultaneously the best and worst experience of my life.

I just spent the night at my nan’s. I didn’t sleep at all the whole night. It’s like my mind and body can only rest when I’m with him. He makes everything in my head go quiet while making me feel more alive then ever. I miss him and it hasn’t even been 24 hours. I miss his smell, his touch, his teasing.

This is not the right thought to be having but I want him to get me pregnant. I know realistically it would be terrible because I’m only 18 and it would be in my best interest to abort if I wanted to stay at uni but I long for something permanent to connect us. Something that we’ll always share, even if we fall out of love. I sound genuinely crazy - I’m aware. But he makes me crazy.

[gracelandgirll]

He cancelled our date.

Date: 25/02/2024, Time: 20:08

He cancelled our date because he wanted to go skateboarding with his friends. I said he could go even though he wasn't asking for my permission. I don't think he realises how important this date was to me. It was the first time he had asked me to go on a date despite having met me in November.

I was so excited for tonight. I told my mum and my friends about it. I thought he had planned to take me somewhere nice. But turns out his only plan was to play Pokémon Go and go skating. I want him to have time with his friends and do what he loves but we had this plan since Wednesday and I thought maybe he was looking forward to it too.

I guess a part of me knew it wasn't actually going to happen. I had been constantly asking him, 'Are we still going on a date'. The last time I asked was at 4pm today. He had said 'yes' at the time. Now, 4 hours later, I'm lying in bed, crying.

It wasn't the idea of sitting and eating food with him that excited me; it was the idea of getting all dressed up for him, and doing my makeup especially nice, and him telling me I looked pretty. Fcksake, I'm such a hopeless romantic. I want flowers and love letters and forehead kisses. When will I learn to expect less.

[gracelandgirll]

I need to rebrand my life.

Date: 20/02/2024, Time: 1:20am

I need to rebrand the sht out of my life. These first two months of 2024 have really not gone very well at all - like AT ALL - and I just feel lost in my own head and itchy in my own skin. I really don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I used to be this independent, headstrong girl and now I can barely spend the night by myself. Sleeping alone after previously having a person to share the bed with everyday feels really fcking lonely. I just lie there, for hours, scrolling passively on tiktok waiting for his snapchat notification to appear. It used to appear a lot more. I've been left on delivered since 8:40pm now. I know in reality I shouldn't deep it so much. It's just hard to imagine how he has this level of self control not to reply within the hour, or that maybe he doesn't even need to have control because there is nothing to control. Maybe spending the entire weekend rotting in bed together wasn't the best idea. But it really was amazing. And I would never take it back. It's selfish to say but I hope he gets ill again soon. It was nice to feel needed - more than nice - it was everything, even if only for 2 days. I told myself I wouldn't make this blog all about him. I think about him so much that I am him. He consumes me. Like everyone has to know him in order to understand me. I'm trying to talk about him less. I know that my friends are tired of hearing his name. Maybe this blog will be a good outlet then. To be honest I think I need a therapist.