gracesays - Tumblr blog

[gracesays]

What is Grief but Love Persevering

In the shadowed corners of my heart, there resides a poignant tale of loss, a narrative woven from the threads of memory. I lament the passing of someone who once held a special place within my world, a story we shared that, in the chambers of my mind, glistened with the romance of bygone eras.

In my narrative, he played the role of the elusive antagonist, and I, the unsuspecting protagonist, found my heart shattered in the ruins of what might have been. Yet, in moments of candid introspection, I've come to recognize my complicity in weaving a romantic veil around a bond inherently platonic. Was I, perhaps, the unwitting architect of my own heartache?

It signifies little whether the nature of our connection was resolutely platonic or romantic, for those 90 days unfurled as a vivid chapter in the story of my life. In the passage of time, however, the veils of illusion fell away, revealing a bittersweet truth: I was but a supporting character in the grand tale of your life, while she, all along, held the coveted role of the leading lady.

As the epiphany washed over me like a gentle, cleansing rain, I embarked on a solitary pilgrimage of self-restoration, endeavoring to gather and mend the shards of my fractured spirit. In the hushed solace of introspection, I mourned not for the sparks that had briefly bloomed but for the enchanting mirage that had ensnared my heart.

Unaware, we both navigate distinct worlds. I, amid the chaotic whirlwind of my life, while you, intertwined with your flawless love story. Regret is foreign to my existence; no matter how strongly I wish to erase you from my memory, I never lament the moment we met. Nevertheless, a small part of me continuously contemplates the alternate conclusions that different choices in our story might have led to. Would it have unfolded differently? Or remained as it currently stands?

One fateful day, I stumbled upon a story—a perfect love story. In this tale, a woman upheld her wedding vows, promising to be with her beloved 'till death do us part,' just as she had faithfully vowed to you, you both together until the very last breath.

Your paths diverged, not in the way I might have once hoped (God, I am a monster!), but as her earthly duty to accompany you reached its end. You embarked on a new journey into eternity -- too young, too soon, leaving her only with your memory and… a piece of you, a young boy whose face bore a striking resemblance to yours—a living testament to the love you once shared.

My heart ache.

Stunned by this poignant reality, I found myself at a loss for words. I mourned in quiet contemplation, shedding tears in solitude. Your story unveiled my part as an unwelcome character in your flawless love tale. I mourn, I mourn for you, for her, and for your love story I once crashed, and for the story we once cherished together.

I mourn your departure, yes, YOU, in the gentle whispers of my soul. As I journey through self-discovery, I take solace in the realization that within the intricate tapestry of existence, every soul we encounter leaves an indelible mark, and every story, no matter how brief, shapes the essence of our being.

I apologize, and forever I will be grateful for our fleeting intertwined moment.

[gracesays]

On the Contrary: Let's Not Settled, Let's Start Fresh

We all face that overwhelming fear just before our breakthrough moments.

When we dare to venture beyond our cozy bubble, stepping into uncharted territory, where self-doubt becomes a constant companion.

"Is this the right path?" echoes persistently in our minds.

Today, I stumbled upon an intriguing idea: quitters often thrive in life.

Not because they give up, but because they refuse to settle.

They evolve, discovering their self-worth, refusing to accept anything less than they deserve, letting go of what no longer resonates.

"I don't recognize myself in this place. This isn't my place anymore, so I quit."

This is the mindset I aspire to embrace.

I won't settle for anything beneath my true value.

I refuse to stagnate in a place devoid of progress.

After all, life is too fleeting to remain motionless.

So, it's time to quit, to bid farewell to the familiar, and embark on a fresh journey.

Alexander Den Heijer put it this way “when a flower doesn't bloom you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”. And so it is important to think about the environment in which we live and work.

You don't like who you are right now? Quit. Change the environment and see yourself bloom.

[gracesays]

I settled down

I was always yearning for others' approval and feared being disliked because I thought I was supposed to be extraordinary.

I have given this some thought. I’ve always yearned for greatness, to leave an indelible mark on the world. But the harsh truth is, not everyone can be exceptional, no exception, no matter how hard they try. Despite my best efforts, I’ve yet to achieve the greatness I’ve always aspired to.

I used to believe that the purpose of our existence was to be remarkable in our own way, to shine a beacon of light in this chaotic world, and to earn praise and admiration of others. But I’ve since understood that this isn’t how this world works. The effort doesn't always correlate to the outcome, and not everyone is meant to be the star.

In this vast universe, we all have a role to play. Some of us are meant to bask in the beauty from below, admiring the stars above. Others are meant to be the dark clouds surrounding those stars, providing a stark contrast to their brilliance. While some aren't given the ability to enjoy it at all. And it's alright if we’re not meant to be the stars; we all have a purpose to serve, regardless of how big or small.

I think, at this time, I am settling on mediocrity.

As I write this the feeling of uneasiness and disappointment, relief bursts out of this little thing called consciousness.

While the thought of being average can be daunting, I have realized that it is nothing to be ashamed of - it's not like you're being judged on how good or how bad you were. Being like everyone else is not necessarily a negative thing. It is perfectly acceptable to lead a simple life, to have modest aspirations, and to derive pleasure from life's simple joys. It is perfectly okay if you don't radiate the same brilliance as those who stand out in the crowd.

Ultimately, being ordinary is not a deficiency or a measure of your worth. Rather, it is a humbling experience that reveals the paradox of life: that one cannot have everything, and one cannot be everything. Despite society's pressure to be exceptional, there is a sense of comfort in recognizing that it is enough to simply be oneself.

I may never stand out or achieve greatness, but that does not mean I should feel inferior. It is alright to be average and embrace the serenity and gratification that comes with being content with oneself. In fact, it is liberating to embrace this perspective, as it frees us from the constant pressure to be something we are not. At the end of the day, we are enough just as we are, and we should cherish the peace and fulfillment that comes from this knowledge.

I will never shine, probably. I will always be ordinary. I will be amongst the mediocre. But oh to be mediocre, would that be so terrible?

[gracesays]

A love letter to me in another universe

As the enchanting score of Interstellar, exquisitely composed by Hans Zimmer, resonates in my ears, I find myself pondering the tantalizing prospect of reincarnation, parallel universes, and alternative realities.

Would that be really great to have such an opportunity to live as yourself in different time, different place, with different people and with different life?

Perhaps it is my love for Korean dramas that has ignited this fascination within me, but the notion of reincarnation holds a mesmerizing allure.

The idea of shedding the regrets and sorrows of this life, and starting anew with a fresh slate, is compelling. To live as oneself, yet in a different form, with new experiences, new relationships, and new adventures to be had, is a wondrous possibility.

If parallel universes do exist, or if I can reincarnate: I wish the version of myself that exists filled with love and happiness, not sorrow. I wish she knows that she was enough - more than enough for this world or whatever world she lives in. I wish she never had thought that the “world would be better without me”. I wish she was surrounded by love in every step she took. I wish she never had to lose sight of herself just because the world told her to.

I yearn for her to follow her passion for music and compose for the cinema, to listen to her inner voice and create a better world, that might make her happier - by not following my footsteps. May her eyes only shed tears of joy, and may she find peace within and around her. Let her be extraordinary, a beacon of light in the world that people can no longer ignore her remarks in this world.

The idea that some iteration of myself - whether in a future reincarnation or a parallel universe - could experience such fulfillment and contentment in life, gives me solace in the struggles of my current mortal existence.

[gracesays]

World Undiscovered

안녕하세요!

I’ve infected myself with the Korean fever. I once said, “Meh, I’m not really into K-drama. Those oppa-oppa aren’t really my type and their swooning-of-love-full-of-romance stories isn’t really my cup of tea.”

I spit what's in my mouth and started drinking from that cup of tea.

It all started back when I had some free time. Yes, wonderful and terrible things happened to me when I slowed down from work.

I got caught up in this new K-series titled “The Glory” which starred Song Hye Kyo. Since I’m familiar with her since her Full House era (and again I’ve got nothing to do, so my brain is ultimately at the high level of curiosity) I gave it a try, started watching the first episode and the plot was surprisingly good!

It’s refreshing to see Song Hye Kyo, people who we always adore because she plays nice, become the victim that turns into the villain (which still we rooted for) of the stories. So, I got hooked!

If Korean dramas are anything like how they developed The Glory, I said, “No wonder people get addicted to this!”

I started to dive deep into the making of The Glory while waiting for their second part of the series. While watching all those interviews, I stumbled upon the writer: Kim Eun Sook, which I find quite interesting.

I adore her, I think she’s one of the great writers there is. Based on her interviews, the way she is involved down to the smallest detail in making a film or series shows her dedication to the fictional world she created. She also cares about the character and how the characters would evolve towards the whole thing. Kim Eun Sook built a pretty strong backstory for her fictional characters which resulted in us as audience caring for the character too – again based on what she told in the interview regarding The Glory.

Since I find her quite interesting, I dive back and tracing back all of her previous work and found out some of the most popular K-dramas are actually hers.

Descendant of the Sun – by popular I mean all of my Instagram friends are talking about this. Descendant of the Sun is one of the most talkabout series in my inner circle.

I started watching this, and find it quite refreshing, especially since I watched this after I watched In the Name of God: Holy Betrayal. 

The Inheritors – I’ve already watched it back in my freshmen year because my friend told me so. It was interesting for me because Lee Min Ho was in it. Some of the plot didn’t make sense, but it doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it (tbh I’m not enjoying it and refuse to rewatch).

Guardian: The Lonely and The Great God – the word “Goblin” never made sense to me until I watched this series. This is also one of the most talked about dramas in its year (not sure when). I regret that I didn't watch this back when this series was popular. But I never regret watching this because Lee Dong Wook as Grim Reaper serves us the peak of the fashion!

Also, the Goblin-Grim Reaper walk WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE NOT FAMOUS. This is the .gif I could hear.

Many more popular K-dramas on my Netflix recommendation were written by Kim Eun Sook: Secret Garden (idk what is this), The King of Eternal Monarch (i've heard of it but yet had intention to watch) and many more.

The point is, I find her to be fascinating and actually quite curious about what she will offers in the future K-dramas.

Kim Eun Sook, you brilliant human being, you got me hooked in the world full of oppa-oppa. 

Now, I’m deep down in my K-drama section in Netflix.

[gracesays]

Midnight Affairs

They say the mind shifts mysteriously after midnight. Ted Mosby's mom says nothing good happens after 2 a.m., which basically means two hours after midnight.

For optimistic people, midnight symbolizes hope for a better tomorrow.

For pessimistic people, midnight marks the end of their misery.

For realistic people, midnight is just a good time to sleep so they won't be late the next morning.

But I embrace who I am at midnight.

Midnight is when I let my guard down and can finally be myself. It's the time when I can turn off my charm and reveal a version of myself that not everyone has the privilege to see: honest, naive, and vulnerable.

Midnight represents freedom and offers comfort in a way I can't fully comprehend.

Since we're discussing letting our guard down, scientifically speaking, maybe that's why not every decision made after midnight is the best idea. It's because we get carried away with our brazen self, not our true self.

On a regular day, midnight signifies freedom to me.

On other, not-so-normal days, midnight becomes the longest period of torment, an enemy to conquer. It becomes filled with terror and dark thoughts that flood the mind, infecting all the good things until all that remains is oneself and the will to live.

At midnight, during a time when we aren't truly ourselves, we discover a fragment of truth about who we are.

[gracesays]

Welcoming the End of My 20s

Ulang tahun selalu jadi momen refleksi yang kadang bikin kita punya resolusi aneh-aneh.

Kaya gue misalnya, tahun ini resolusi gue adalah mendokumentasikan setiap perjalanan hidup, karir, personal bahkan hingga mood gue, baik dalam bentuk foto, tulisan bahkan jurnal.

Gue pengen ketika gue nanti bener-bener resmi meninggalkan usia 20an (yang mana belum officially ya masih ada waktu), gue bisa looking back, hopefully dengan rasa grateful untuk setiap perjalanan hidup gue.

Sejak lewat usia 25 tahun, buat gue ulang tahun bukan lagi momentum bahagia yang pengen gue rayakan. Lebih kaya “alarm” yang ngingetin kalau days pass, life goes on, and I’m gonna die soon.

Buat gue, the fun in life stop di usia 22 tahun. Somehow gue kaya stuck di umur itu, masa-masanya gue lagi mencari jati diri, masa-masanya gue lagi full of hunger untuk ilmu, masa-masanya gue ingin membuktikan diri kalau gue bisa thriving in this wild wild world. Unfortunately, jadi young adults dengan usia 28 tahun yang stuck dengan pencarian jati diri, kehausan akan ilmu dan pembuktian diri itu sama sekali nggak ideal di dunia ini. 

Makanya, ulang tahun buat gue hanya jadi reminder kalau I’m getting older yet everything stays perfectly the same. The world moves so fast, yet I’m moving in slow motion if not stay still.

Begitu juga ulang tahun kali ini. Gue udah sounding berkali-kali kalau gue nggak suka ulang tahun dirayain, dinyanyiin, dibawain kue and anything. Jadi tahun ini, thank God, nyokap dan adik-adik gue respect my wishes.

My big big big family, not so much. I’m still grateful though. Semuanya menyempatkan waktu untuk sekadar beli kue dan tiup lilin buat makan siang sama-sama. It was a nice gesture.

Ulang tahun juga suka dibumbui harapan-harapan dari keluarga buat gue. Biasanya gue selalu badmood dan ter-pressure setiap denger harapan-harapan ini, karena gue kaya bisa menebak inti dari pesan panjang lebar yang mau disampaikan.

Tahun ini, gue bersyukur Om gue mengingatkan gue (dan keluarga) tentang betapa banyaknya hal yang memang diluar kuasa manusia. Pesannya hanya satu, singkat, padat, jelas, “Yang penting Ka Dhita happy.”

Am I happy? And is being happy enough?

[gracesays]

“So take the time to think. Discover your real reason for being here and then have the courage to act on it.”

[gracesays]

Hello Again.

I guess in this fast pace world, a bit touch of something old fashioned could not hurt.

Hello again, Tumblr. Let’s have some fun!