graceverycool

[graceverycool]

25/7/2021

Butterflies.

I haven’t felt like this in so long. But I don’t want to jinx this too. God please guide me through this.

[graceverycool]

6/2/2021

I’m hurting.

“You are the worst doctor among all I have assisted.”

“You have a bad attitude.”

“You have a bad temper.”

“I have been putting up with you for so long.”

[graceverycool]

1/1/2021

Cheers to an even better year! 

I loved 2020 hahahaha

[graceverycool]

11/12/2020

It has been a while.

I am writing tonight because of crippling anxiety and a rough day.

This blog has always been an avenue of ranting and ramblings, mostly an outlet to voice my grievances and (sometimes musings lol). I regard this place as a safe space/haven... Who reads haha...

Today (or 10/12/2020) was supposed to be a great day... It was an off day from work. But it turned out quite badly...

This morning my family was chiding me for some incident involving my grandma. As usual, they started criticising my character, the usual “You are horrible. You don’t have heart. You are not a good person. You are terrible. You are just like your mother. You are selfish.” I don’t know why people say this to someone. It’s hurtful and demeaning and it makes my whole existence a very unpleasant one. I was obviously very upset and I did not want to argue because, hey, asian parenting “the elders are always right” right? So I just literally exited the conversation and went for a walk around the neighbourhood. I can’t even remember when was the last time I dreaded going home. Today was one of them. And I actually thought to myself “Man I wish I was at work today”. This speaks volumes on my current psych. 

Fast forward, in the evening. There I was, minding my own business, purchasing books using my personal training fund. I spent a whopping $972 which I was planning to claim from the company. And shit hits the fan. BookDepo sent me an order confirmation email with the currency unit in some obscure HTML code. Spells trouble, because I can’t submit my claim with that weird symbol, HR wouldn’t approve!!! ~anxiety anxiety anxiety~ I panic. What else can I do? I pester my seniors and friends about my problem. I go to my parents. And I guess my friends try to listen and help me... And my parents? Well, they start berating me for being “stupid” and worrying about shit that don’t matter. My dad begins his usual speech about how I am “not resourceful”, I am “not really a dentist”, I am “focusing my energy on the wrong things” and complains that I am disturbing them. 

The other day I saw something on Instagram: 

I couldn’t agree more. This completely summed up the way I was brought up and the way my parents speak to me when I confide in them. “Invalidating”. Yes.

There was once, I was so depressed about work and when I complained to my dad, all he could say was “Be positive. You are focused on the wrong thing”. I told him that I may want to consider seeing a therapist. And he scolded me for being “stupid”. Sometimes I feel like shooting back at him, “Yeah you say this because you don’t have stress. You are not working, you are at home all the time playing computer games and watching Netflix. Of course you will not be able to relate to how I am feeling.” And when he and my auntie makes comparisons between me and my mum on how we are always lazing at home, complaining about work, worrying about work, I do feel like telling them, “Yeah, that’s because we are actually WORKING a day job with a STABLE pay. Because all we want to do at home is REST. Unlike YOU.” But I don’t. Obviously. Because I do not want to hurt their feelings, and a war to erupt.

As I am writing this, I am still very anxious about my claims.

When I tell my parents that I am very worried about the money refund, they would brush my problems aside. I explain that because I am extremely cash-strapped - I have $91k of student loans + monthly “filial piety” payouts of $650 to my family out of a $3.8k take-home pay. Why would I not worry about my money? Their response: “You still don’t have to be so calculative!”

No words.

Sometimes I don’t even bother telling my family about my problems anymore.

And I guess, as I grow older, I feel more alone.

Perhaps also because I do not have a partner, and I don’t see that prospect in any way. I just want someone who can listen to my problems so that I can feel better when I’m sad/anxious/angry etc. A shrink would probably be what I need?

Today was a really bad day... 

God help me be strong and control my emotions. 

And may everything work out eventually.

[graceverycool]

12/4/2020

22 household appliances/things I’d like to own 10 years from now (in no order):

1. Robot vacuum

2. Dyson vacuum

3. Home speaker system

4. Vinyl turntable

5. Kitchenaid 

6. Food processor

7. Water filter machine with cold/hot water dispenser

8. Nespresso machine (capsule) Vertuo/Original line

9. Keurig machine

10. Mokapot

11. Chemex

12. Aeropress

13. French press

14. Espresso machine with an in-built grinder + milk steamer

15. Nutribullet

16. Dryer machine

17. Washing machine

18. Dishwasher

19. Oven x2

20. Baking chiller (maybe???)

21. Pizza oven (maybe???)

22. Lawn machine (maybe???)

etc. etc.

[graceverycool]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/5WkCcSa78lM1Ym4LXzJUiN?si=CIcr05_9StGoucwvT91ikw)

All my demons run wild

[graceverycool]

30/3/2020

At the age of 24, I come to wonder if life would turn any different anymore?

Loneliness has always been very familiar to me as a child. I was the only child in the family. I only had my auntie to talk to, but even then it was always different.

At least I had friends, I thought.

And then teenage-hood passed, slowly, loneliness was not really defined by being the single child anymore. It meant having a significant other. I did experience the exhilaration of “falling for someone” a couple of times, and inside me I had this lingering thought “oh finally, I no longer have to be alone. Finally, I have validation from society.” 

The relationship status of “taken” was always a milestone in one’s life, you know?

Well, things obviously did not work out in the end. I am in my mid-20s (almost), and I’m still alone.

I never felt I was lonely in the past years. I didn’t think I was. I was ok with being independent (a pseudonym for alone maybe?). Until my closest friends chronologically found love, and loneliness crept in. Of course, I’m happy for my friends who have found someone. It’s a very conflicted situation really. Because losing my friend and seeing them find their happiness would also mean, I have 1 less friend who would be around me as they used to before. And so I feel more lonely than I was. And years later, I alone would be watching my friends with their children and spouses. And for that, I know it has made me very reclusive as a person, and I avoid social media at times to not be reminded about this negativity.

I would be, the same I was since I came into this world - alone. 

How do I make this sadness go away?

It just seems like I am meant to enter and depart from this world alone and maybe lonely... I wish God would lay out his plan for me?

I do think that I don’t really have anything to lose if I died at this age. If anything, I was fine with dying, because I did not feel I had anything to live for. 

Am I miserable? I don’t know. Am I depressed? I don’t know either.

I’m not scared of death. But I’m scared of the prospect of a lonely future ahead of me. And for that, I reckon I’d rather die than live a life like so. I wish God would guide me out of this, or maybe grant me the easier route of death if I would forever live my life alone, till old age takes me because I do not want to live a life watching the people around me with families, and me alone as I have always been.

[graceverycool]

Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis

[graceverycool]

I do not need this negative energy rn.

Period.

[graceverycool]

Happy birthday, Lynn.

[graceverycool]

“It’s been a while”

Hello I’m here again!

I can’t even remember when was the last time I was here...

I can explain: My macbook was spoilt, so was computer-less for a good some months. And after much procrastination and putting off, I finally got it fixed!!! Hooray!!! But I’m not feeling too good about my credit card bill... Currently begging my mum to subsidise 50%?? Fingers crossed she’ll pity me and help a pauper out.

...

Life has been great so far. I am enjoying my financial independence, learning what it means to be an adult. Life is also good because beyond 5pm till 8am the next day, I am allowed to rest without any guilt. Weekends are finally mine to plan and not plan haha... Company has been great too at work (generally, with the exception of a few things). Glad to have a close friend with me at work who has my back! Although the bitter prospect of knowing that there is a high possibility that all of us may have to stay in our current workplace when July comes is quite demoralising... One can only pray and hope that we are out of that place haha...

Newfound interests: nothing much. What do I even like doing? Splurging on iced honey latte at The Coffee Roasters every fortnight/week? Or browsing through memes? Actually thinking of signing up to be a docier at The National Gallery or maybe be a volunteer. I miss art history. Also considering taking up a barista workshop class thing/flower arrangement workshop thing.

Resolutions: I don’t really know. It used to be more fitness-related... But given the current circumstances (which I shan’t delve into), F45 has become a thing of the history. Perhaps to get out of my comfort zone more? By this I mean being more sociable, getting out of the house more, to network a bit yknow? To further my career prospects 3.5 years later when I am back in the job market. Jeez, this is incredibly intimidating for me!!!

Gonna end here!!! Haha, I have nothing more to say LOL help.

Can you believe I’m 24 years old now?

[graceverycool]

Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper - I Don't Know What Love Is (A Star Is Born)

“I don't know what love is If I can't have you here I don't know what love is I think that it's just fear

I don't know the tempo Of my heart's concerto It all seems like a dream It's not, I know There's something real out there for me

I swear I've seen an angel A paradise in blue Every colour I choose But I don't know what love is But I think it might be you

If I had the courage I'd know just what to do Sometimes I have to crawl And everyday I fall Tryin' just to stand by you

I swear I've seen an angel A paradise in blue Every colour I choose But I don't know what love is But I think it might be you”

[graceverycool]

28/6/2019

I hope none of you ever see this post.

Thank you:

I write as a soon-to-be working adult, reminiscing on the past.

Here I am, I fulfilled my bachelor requirements, passed my final exams somewhat unscathed although it was a very arduous journey.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1TzCuofxXhSEoICaBVeuov?si=ESbprZlWQPeblOhIXNmrxA

Here is a playlist that contained the songs I listened to as a university student. I titled it THRIVING because I was always inspired by RayNgu and 13 going on 30. I wasn’t exactly thriving in dental school. They say listening to one’s playlist is like looking into a person’s diary. I was rather depressed back then in the middle sophomore years haha

As this chapter closes, I would like to give thanks to God, for guiding me for the past 23 years, for supporting me and for all the love. Thank you God for providing me with all the people I have in my life who have helped me and loved me all these years. Thank you for sending these people to me, for showing me love.

I thank my mum for providing me everything I needed and (some things that I) wanted. I thank dad for the same love for always being around. I thank my dearest auntie for being my other mum, my teacher, my friend, my sibling. You 3 have been the greatest motivators for me, and closest people to my heart. Thank you for caring for me in so many ways, said and unsaid love. I can’t even begin to list them. 

I would like to thank my closest friends. Special mention to Dorothy for being so generous and giving, for inspiring me to be a better person, for listening always, for sharing and loving. Thank you. Thank you Bren for this 10+ years friendship, for always rationalising me and never judging my inadequacies, for being a pillar to my psyche and the constant humour, and the deliveries late at night (this deserves a mention). My family loves you two so much, you’ve no idea. Thank you Jess for being so understanding all this while, and being there for me especially towards the last few months of school. Lynn, Svena and Melissa for being my silent supporters. I love you all, I really do.

I would also like to give thanks to Jill, one of my closest friends in dental school. We have and had our differences and struggles in our friendship, but I’m glad we pulled through together and kept our friendship. Thank you for being so giving in this friendship as well, and for inspiring me to be a good dentist to my patients, and a better more accommodating friend. Thank you CX, Bev, Gis, Nics, Megs, Jolz, and every other classmate of mine who has showed compassion and care and love in some way. I wish all of you well. Thank you XY for being a supportive partner and friend all this while. I would have never got through without you for sure. Thank you for working with me and encouraging me. Thank you for showing me some kind of genuineness?innoncence? in human nature, I don’t know haha. 

Thank you Kel, for all the guidance and love. I remember always texting you to ask you for countless of advice and pouring my worries. I even remember crying to you and you took your time out to comfort me and calm me down. You have also been such a great friend. I always believed in you and looked up to you, and it will never change.

I have been so blessed with all of you. Thank you God.

It scares me knowing that work is starting in a few days, and I have no idea what is to come. I hope to do my best, and to treat people in the best way, to be a better version of me, and to love people better. 

More superficially I hope to lighten the financial load on my family and pay off the loan as quickly as possible, and start providing for them as much as I can. Thank you mum dad and Yasi. It feels so good to know that I have made you guys proud. But give all this credit to yourselves, because you have been such important figures in my life, and I dedicate what I have achieved so far all to you. I love you all.

To a new chapter, a better chapter.

[graceverycool]

6/4/2019

Just really needed to get this out of my chest.

I hate how emotionally attached I can be to people and places, that it really harms me mentally. And I know that I shouldn’t feel so strongly for things, but it does... How do I take things lighter?

So much that it makes me devalue myself even further. 

Lately I’ve also been feeling very unconfident of myself, wishing I was skinnier like my friends and people around me, wishing I had better skin, better hair, wishing I was prettier... Even considering plastic surgery in the future, sigh, and slightly wishing that I would have an eating disorder/respecting and admiring patients with eating disorders so that I will be noticed and valued in society.

When circumstances around me are making me feel this way, I guess I should really take a step back and cut myself off from sources of my anxiety in the environment.

God, please guide me through these times.

[graceverycool]

3/2/2019

Stressed

[graceverycool]

17/1/19

Is it 2019 already?

And has it been (almost) 3 weeks into final term?!!!!!

I’m really stressed out that I can’t graduate. While I’m trying my best to move as quickly as possible so that I can save my parents the additional 15k worth of school fees + opportunity cost of approximately another 12k of not earning (because I’m not working), retaining would actually mean me being able to see through my patients till the end in my 6 months, and would enable me to gain more clinical learning experience with the doctors and technicians and nurses... But is 30k worth of money and 6 months “wasted” worth? I should try to really make the best out of my 9 remaining weeks to rush out my requirements...

To be honest, I’ll definitely be sad not being able to graduate on time with my classmates whom I’ve been with for the past 4 years. Imagine the commencement ceremony with juniors, and all the stigma behind “retaining”... But this is not an excuse for me to not keep pushing on forward and striving to graduate on time, because that is the goal. 

Trying to be happy and positive, and motivated can be really tough, but I just got to believe that God is with me on this, and my family and friends who always support me on this road to graduation.

Praying that 9 weeks later and I re-read this post I would be heaving a sigh of relief, “I made it.” 

To future Grace in late march 2019:

Even if you did not make it, don’t be disheartened. Take this extra 6 months in school to really learn and make the mistakes that you can make since you are still in school, do the things that you haven’t before, increase your breadth and depth in dentistry. And do not chide yourself for being so-called lousy for not graduating. You know that this is not true, because you did your best, you really did, amidst tears, sweat, blood, endless scoldings and running around for doctors, putting up with the system and red tape, tolerating things etc. and getting through them all. Remember them all? How in pre-clinical years where the bridge competency made you cry, the cobalt chromium denture traumatic experience, the clinical bidding complex E&D woes, the nasty patient? And you became a lot stronger as a person. So this is already a huge feat. Be happy and love yourself more. Please be kind to yourself and filter out the thoughts and people that do not matter. You are better than you think. Think about how much better you are now at diagnosing, treatment planning, and treating patients! Focus on the progress you’ve made as a dental student and clinician. Remember God has always been with you, and will always be with you. Be happy, always.

[graceverycool]

(Michael Seyer)

Merry christmas!