greaterthanlows

[greaterthanlows]

Grace, Always.

I admittedly love moments of reflection. There are certain things that really trigger these moments for me, whether it be a smell, the weather, music, something on the TV, or even just a place I sit down at that would mean nothing to anyone else.

I guess what I’m saying, right now I’m in one of those seasons of reflection.

I guess most reflections come at the end of certain journeys or at the start of a new year. I guess I can’t really say that I’m at the end of some journey right now. I feel like I’m in a different phase of my life at the moment, at least compared to just a few months ago. A lot has changed, but even more so,  much has stayed the same. I think what has changed the most is this space I’ve discovered myself in with God. 

But no. 

It’s not the end of a journey and start of a new one that has me reflecting.

It’s also July 10th as I’m writing this, so definitely not the start of a new year. 

In a lot of ways, my new year starts at the end of July as I begin band camp.

 So, Happy New Year to me!?

What a year it has been. Honestly, what a year. 

Again, let me point out this is a calendar that begins in July of 2019 at the moment.

This year has presented some of the hardest trials I’ve faced. I don’t say this lightly either, as I’m the guy who watched his house burn down as junior in high school and lose everything. I’m also the guy who stood in the living room of his fiancé as she handed her ring back to him with the simple words of “I don’t love you anymore.” So I know a thing or two about trials. 

But this year has also given me some of the best memories I will have for the rest of my life. I’ve traveled down roads I had never been on before.

Rendezvous. Tops of roofs. Johnson City to Jacksonville, North Carolina then Jacksonville, FL. Backroads. My first wrestling match. My first wrestling match with accidental pocket dials. Football fields. Gatlinburg. Questioning how long a man will sit next to some bushes in a warm September evening. 

This year has been rough, seeing some of my hardest heartaches. But wow, it has been so good, too. Band camp is just a little over a week away at the moment. This seems about where that part of my journey began a year ago with a few of my students at a twirling camp. That’s what I guess you could say officially started the whole “marching season” for me, even if I wasn’t technically there at their camp.

Someday I hope it’s appropriate to write a memoir of the adventures of this past year. It’s far from perfect. Sometimes ugly. Sometimes questionable. What I’ve learned from every book I’ve ever read, though, there’s yet to be a perfect character, even the main characters. These books are full of stupid decisions. We read their stories and we just want to shout at the characters how dumb they are, how much more difficult they’re making the story and how we would do it so much differently. 

Yet, those are the stories we desire to read and if the characters made perfect decisions, it’d be a rather short book.

We have the benefit of being able to flip to the last page of their stories and seeing how it ends. Unfortunately we don’t get to do that in our real lives. 

With the hard times that came in this year came the questions to God. Came the parts that included me shaking my fist at Heaven. I sat there wondering if God was really there. Questioning if I was so bad of person, my sins so disgusting to Him that He had nothing for me any longer. 

“Oh, my God

I remember when I cried

Shook my fists up at the sky

I wondered why 

You felt so far from me

Oh, God

It was in my deepest pain 

That I heard You call my name

I heard You say

That You were right there with me

I couldn’t see it then, but I believe it now.”

-Sidewalk Prophets

That was definitely my story for awhile: questioning where God was. 

I’m really blessed to say I’m in the worship band at my church playing keys. When everything with COVID first began and things were shutting down, we were recording our services on Thursday evenings. I remember our worship leader, Jordan, very clearly saying how he was grateful for this time of “quarantine” because it had given him a chance to really reconnect with God and spend time with Him with no distractions. 

I was jealous of that.

That wasn’t how I was feeling. 

Lately, I’ve felt that changing. I’ve felt His presence so distinctively. I’ve felt Him with me in my studying. So many ways I don’t know where to begin, but I’ve felt Him. 

Honestly, my biggest regret during the past year, and since March specifically when things went crazy, is it took me so long to become so obsessed (yes, obsessed) with knowing Him better. To say to myself, above all else I could be doing right now, I just want to talk to Him.

The most beautiful word in my life for me personally? Grace. For so many reasons. For all the things it means to me. It’s a thing, a gift, a person. It’s personified in God. Everything I want in this life is in this word. All the ways it’s been given to me and all the ways I’m still seeking it. For every hidden meaning within this that only my heart knows, it’s all I’ve ever wanted when I didn’t even know I wanted it. 

Through this past year, through so much, I’ve seen what grace is to me. I’ve seen it’s not just forgiveness. It’s the fact that it goes beyond forgiveness. It’s that He’s still desiring to have a use for me, to not just throw me away. 

As I go into the “new year”, I can’t say I’ve got it all figured out yet or that it will be smoother than the “last year”. What I can say is that I’m going into this “new year” finally feeling the peace that God promised He was capable of providing. I’ve finally come to the place in my life I’m willing to give things up that got between Him and I. To put Him at the top. Sometimes I’ve let Him slip down,  even now, and I have to make it a continuous responsibility everyday of keeping Him at the top.

At letting things go, I’ve learned to trust that His promises are eternal. I can trust that right now, He’s working things that are unseen for me. That’s not to insist things will be perfect or smooth. I also realize, the things that He is working, while they are gifts from Him, the purposes of those gifts are to glorify Him for others to see. If they don’t do that, then we have wasted them. This is true whether it be a physical gift, a job, a relationship, or a marriage.

I can’t see what He’s doing right now. But I trust Him. I know what I want Him to do. But I trust Him. It may not be tomorrow. But I trust Him.

I believe someday I’ll be able to say “And then it’s perfect” in the words of the famous Michael Scott. And perfect may not be perfect. But I’ve learned my happiest moments in the past year have come from the most perfectly imperfect moments. 

So, no matter what. It’s always going to be one thing I desire above all else.

Grace, always.

[greaterthanlows]

The Cuba Diaries: Believe it or not, a Mission Trip isn’t Nearly the Same as a Vacation.

I’ve have been so extremely lucky to be able to go on multiple mission trips. I’ve been to Washington D.C., Chicago, even more locally in Kingsport, TN. This has created some of the greatest memories of my life. But it was far from “fun”. 

I remember walking to a men’s homeless shelter in D.C. hearing a man colorfully shouting at us “F*** you! Give me money.” I saw the heartache of seeing tents and a small fire built outside these shelters because they were too full and it was cold and raining outside.I saw team members having to get another team member to leave a man on the side of the street because we were worried about her safety as she tried to offer the man who was high some water. I saw a street blocked off as we walked to our next destination and heard the police radio in “we have a white unconscious male, late 20s...” I experienced walking back to our church in Chicago at 1-2 in the morning in an area that a quick Google search will show the prominent gang of that area dwelled in the Satanic world and rites. It was on those same streets we met a group of homeless men and one woman (maybe a dozen or more in the group) sleeping in the open who at first didn’t speak any English, but in time opened up and went from claiming to not understanding us to having full conversations with us. I heard their stories. I saw the shelters that men stayed in with no shower curtains or bathroom doors for privacy. I saw the shame they felt because of their circumstances. 

But that’s not the trip I want to write about right now. I want to talk about my trip to Cuba. This was a trip that drastically changed my life and walk with God. 

(a group picture of our full team on the first full day of our ministry) 

Theres’s a couple of things I want to point out before I begin. First, I will try to exaggerate nothing. I will be as honest and blunt as I remember how events happened. Some in our team may remember differently. But this was my account and feelings. Second, the organization I worked with, “Adventures in Missions”, there will be a negative picture painted about them and their leadership by the end. But this is my account. I disagree with them on a lot of things that occurred in Cuba, I plan to never use them again, but at the same time, I realize this group has also done a lot of good for God and many people have also spread the Gospel through this group. Including myself. I know there are good people who work there and I do not want to take away from the good they do. But the truth is what it is, and my truth is far from pretty. Third. There were some evil people on our team. I mean truly evil. Not of God. These were the Americans on our team. With that said, I met some of the greatest people on our team who were Americans... Tracy (who quickly became our missions mom), Sara, Morgan, Ashley, and Colt (just to name a few). These were some of the best and most sincere people I have ever met in my life and there is no where in the world I wouldn’t go with them to serve God again. For respect, I want share the names of those who I felt were doing the opposite of good.

What Led me to Cuba?

I was standing on top of a roof in Kingsport, TN doing work that I probably had no business doing, but that’s where God led me. I remember it very clearly It was an extremely hot day. There was a East Tennessee State University sign on the yard across from the house we were at. I was talking to our team leader who I had really built a great relationship with. I was explaining to her that I felt God was calling me to do something more, to go somewhere else. I wasn’t sure where. I was leaning towards Haiti, but I was struggling to decipher where exactly. She told me Cuba was where I needed to go. She told me fascinating stories about it. Stories that frightened me. 

I was desperate to go.

I have to be honest. I didn’t pray about this as I should have. Yes there were prayers, but I had my mind made up already. While I didn’t do my due diligence in prayer, I still believe God wanted me to go there, but I didn’t allow Him to be a partner in my decision. 

My motives were also messed up. I remember very clearly. I wanted to go somewhere that showed my faith meant something. I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to go somewhere that it could be dangerous to share the Gospel. I felt like I needed to prove, for some twisted reasoning I can't explain, that I would be willing to lose my life for Christ if I had to. So I applied and was accepted.

My mom didn’t handle the news very well. She was not happy and was admittedly terrified. In preparation for the trip (which was a year away), I listened to one song repeatedly. This song actually was one that gave me the courage I needed.

“Standing in the place

Where doubt and faith collide. 

Staring in the face 

Of a fear that has to die.

When You call my name

There’s only one reply.

No I won’t wait.

I’ll give You my whole life.

I will go where You send me.

To the ends of the earth

Just say the word and I’ll go.

I will go where You lead me.

I’ll follow Your heart.

Wherever You are

I’ll go.”

-Big Daddy Weave

These were the lyrics I wrote and left taped to my mom’s car steering wheel in hopes that she would understand why.

Preparing for Cuba

I quickly applied for my passport. Along with a passport, I applied for a Visa to get into the country of Cuba. It was still very recently at that time that the Castro family and Obama had worked on opening the Cuban boarders for incoming flights for American tourism. This American tourism was what allowed us to go.

We were informed under no circumstances were we to state our reason on the Visa was for church work and when we entered the country, when asked why we were there, our response was to be “to see the sights and learn about the history and culture of Cuba.” Do not openly wear any missions shirt or religious signs. Lastly, if at all possible bring 6 Spanish Bibles to give to the Cuban church, BUT spread these Bibles out in our luggage, so if we are searched, they wouldn’t all be in the same location and we could avoid any suspicion. 

I booked my flight. I would go from Knoxville to Charlotte, and from there to Miami. I would stay one night in Miami and fly to Cuba early in the morning. 

I don’t how everyone else on our team felt, but the days leading up to it, I was terrified. I was afraid of a multitude of things. 

What if the plane crashed?

What if we were arrested?

What if I were killed?

I read the statistics of everything, and common sense said I should be safe if was smart and took the necessary precautions while there, but the fear persisted. So much so, until writing this, I don’t believe I’ve ever said before, I contacted a friend from college who knew my parents very well. I gave her a list of things to tell my parents if something were to happen to me, most importantly that I loved them. I remember being in my car driving down Main Street in Jacksboro having this conversation and having those tears in my eyes because I had never felt like something like that was necessary in my previous trips. 

As I crossed security in the airport in Knoxville, I remember looking back at my parents for the longest time afraid it was the last time I would ever see them again. 

On the flight, I had my music on shuffle on my phone. It was here that God provided the first miracle of my trip. The song I wrote about above, it was the first song that came on as the flight took off. I knew God was telling me He knew I was scared, but I was doing what He wanted me to do. 

The second good news, my leader from Kingsport who recommended the trip to Cuba would be the one leading this trip. That was great news for me. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be as great as I thought.

Arriving in Cuba: Fears Realized

Before the flight from Miami to Cuba took off, I called my parents and told them I would try and contact them as soon as I could, but don’t panic if they didn’t hear from me. 

“No news is good news.”

When we landed, it was extremely quiet, no one was talking. Not every team member was on our flight (there was only one team member on my flight), so other experiences may have been different as flights landed at different places and people exited at different locations. Our location, I remember distinctively feeling like this is how cows led to slaughter felt like. Straight line. Dark halls. Eerily quiet. 

I was quickly questioned why I was there and even where I was staying. The man asking where I was staying did not like my answer because he wasn’t satisfied for my explanation of how I would be getting there because it was so far away. Then there was luggage claims. It took much longer than usual. I wasn’t sure how long to wait before I had to notify someone my luggage may be lost. Maybe it was just fear and it wasn’t longer than usual. All I knew was I did not want these people to know anything about me.

I distinctively noticed how sexualized the women working at the airport were. The men were dressed professionally, the women wore a similar uniform, but much more revealing. Much, much more.

We waited for about two hours outside before we found the first person on our team. Cell phones didn’t work, so there was nothing we could do but wait. I felt every eye on me. Several approached us asking if we needed transportation, government officials questions where we were going. 

And there was nothing we could do. 

When our team leader found us, she had a couple others with her. She took us to a parking lot where an old school bus was parked that would be our “limousine” during our time there. 

(Waiting to put luggage on the bus)

In the sun it felt like a thousand degrees, and I like wearing long sleeve shirts (even in summer). I quickly regretted this. 

It turned out our team was spread all over the airport that spanned miles, and you could only reach the different terminals by driving to them. So we were off on another adventure. 

(during the time we were searching for our team members)

On the bus were hot sandwiches waiting for us, and I don’t mean toasted. Apparently coolers are not a thing in Cuba. It was a meat I had never tried in my life, and I hope to never try again. No, I don’t know the name of it. In addition water as hot as the sun. 

But this is the missions life where showers are a luxury.

With all of us together, we were off. On a bus drive that was around 3-4 hours if I remember correctly. But on a bus in the Cuban heat with no air conditioning, it felt like much longer.

While driving, an hour outside of Havana, we were pulled over by the police. He walked on to the bus. Looked at all of us. Had a conversation with the driver of our bus. There was no need to pull us over, and no explanation was given. There was a hush on the bus and I was certain we were about to go to jail. When he did let us leave, I talked to our leader about it. She informed me there had been times in the past they had to bribe the officers to let them pass. 

So... Welcome to Cuba!

Halfway to our destination, we stopped to eat. It was a house, but they also turned it into a small restaurant. I had my first meal of many that included rice and hot mango smoothies... that were literally only mango smashed up and nothing else except some hot water. 

We finally made it to Matanzas, the city we would be staying. A city where I felt a presence of evil I’ve never felt before. 

The first night was about meeting the Cuban people we would be working with. While there, one of the pastors, Jimmy, who I hadn’t even spoken to at this point had the translator ask me if I would preach one night. Why he chose me? I’m not certain. I’m not a preacher. But I wanted to talk about God. So I didn’t hesitate to say yes. I started working on my notes quickly. Little did I know those notes would change in just a few days because of what I was about to experience. 

I had a casa (basically a room that I’m probably misspelling) completely by myself. I was suppose to be with another person, but a personal family crisis occurred days before the trip and he couldn’t come. So it was just me. 

(Standing outside my Casa on the second floor; 1 room; I never ventured to the third floor)

This wouldn’t be a bad thing, except I was much farther away from the rest of my team. Every morning, I would wake up around 8:00 and make a 20-30 minute walk to the church building we would meet at. This walk included walking by what I surmised was a Cuban military recruiting or training base. I saw the soldiers there every morning. I kept my headphones in and listened to worship music as I prayed for God that I wouldn’t be stopped. This was every morning. We typically wouldn’t go back to our Casa until 1-2 in the morning. I walked for about 5-10 minutes with our team. Then we split up. Then I walked the rest of the way by myself. I kept the key between my fingers, ready if someone approached me so I could defend myself. I walked as quickly as I could, I never looked back. 

The most fear I had during these walks was walking by a large group of soldiers with armed vehicles carrying assault rifles and other gear only a few blocks from our church. I was certain they would be coming to our church soon to get us. 

By the way, the church building, well it wasn’t really a church building in the typical sense. It was a house. Churches aren’t exactly something the government in Cuba wants. So they’re forced to have church in their houses, not in actual church buildings. In fact, one of the pastors had at one time been a government official sent into spy on the churches and get members to leave. Instead, he found God and was saved. His mother and wife followed suit soon after he took them. He is now making huge impacts spreading the Gospel. 

The Crazy is Just Getting Started

God is a God of miracles. He does amazing things. I have no doubt. So I want to be sensitive. BUT! My faith isn’t built solely on the the miracles I can see. This was not the case for the Cubans.

We started the first morning outside for “church”. Very elaborate. Very big prayers. Very loud prayers. I remember it was a Sunday and I missed my church so badly that morning, thinking of what they were doing as I was doing my own church service. 

(Preparing for one of our church services)

Everything they said, I know they genuinely felt and believed, but it was going to become apparent over time that their foundation of faith was built on flaws. For example, one night, the pastor’s wife wanted us to watch a video of “miraculous healings”. You know the kind I’m talking about. The ones where the pastor hits them in the face, they fall down, and BAM! They’re healed. The one’s that believers and unbelievers alike call out for the obvious blasphemy. The kind that make it more difficult for unbelievers to actually understand what church is; that does more harm than good. 

After 40 minutes of this video, our team leader finally found a way to save us from the rest (which was two hours long; also, it was 1 in the morning).

We went to different places in the city to minister to people.

One of the more heartbreaking scenes, a man similar to my age laying in bed completely paralyzed. He had a diving accident in his life. They wanted each of us to pray that he would be miraculously healed. 

I BELIEVE IN BOLD PRAYERS.

But I believe in the power of the God I pray to more than I believe in the power of my words. I believe we are to pray for healings and miracles. We give it all to God. But we still trust him when He doesn’t move how we want. This would be the first example of salvation built only on what God would do. I don’t mean that’s how this man felt. But it would become a pattern: “If you believe, God will do great things.” It was a chain of theology that needed broke. 

Adventures in Missions was so wrong in their approach to missions in Cuba. The Cuban church is doing amazing things. I was amazed at the fact they were sending missionaries out into other parts of the world, countries even worse than Cuba. However, the missions work in Cuba needs to be built on teaching and giving resources to the church in Cuba before it starts trying to go out with the Cubans to minister when it’s only ministering in the flawed beliefs of salvation that so many in the Cuban church had. 

I believe the church they had to match the miracles of God with the miracles of other religions, notably Santeria, which was basically Cuban witchcraft and was surrounding us in Matanzas. There were multiple houses all around us with idols inside where they were openly practicing Santeria.

(One of the streets outside our church; puddles of water like this were all in the city, and you could often spot minnows swimming in them)

Looking Across the Atlantic

A quick side note, the ocean in Cuba is beautiful. The oppression in Cuba is very ugly and very real. If I remember the numbers correctly, families are given what equates to $12 a month by the Cuban government. Many work second and third jobs to try and make a little extra money. However, we were told if a family tries to escape the country, they will stop the $12 a month income for that family. 

Visas are near impossible to get. If you are married for example, they will grant you one Visa, but not two, because if both leave, there is a good chance they won’t return.

I try not to talk politics, but I’m openly conservative. I believe in immigration and I believe in doing it legally. But that thought was challenged while in Cuba. As I looked across the ocean, I longed for home. For the first time, I had a real understanding of why families risk their lives to reach the United States. So, as conservative as I am, as much as I believe still in legal immigration, I also believe as a country we are failing people who are looking to us for a beacon of hope and as somewhere safe to go.

Different Approaches and Missing Girls

One morning we are outside the church. One of the pastor wants to pray over each of us individually, speaking over us what he felt God was saying. A translator would repeat the prayer in English. I won’t say what he said to me. I don’t know if it was from God, but it hit home. 

A few people after me, the events would cause our trip to take a drastic turn. Suddenly, one of the women is down on the ground, hysterically crying. We don’t know what is going on. She is claiming the God has suddenly given her the gift of prophecy. 

One such prophecy she would make on our trip was the church we were working with would have their own huge building within one year. To the best of my knowledge, this has yet to happen despite prophesying it would supposedly occur in less than a year. It was a prophecy that would have required drastic government changes. 

She made all types of prophecies over the course of our time. She would often substitute “God” for “me” when declaring these prophecies and spoke often of committing suicide before God had brought her back.

If you are at all familiar with the book of Revelation, then you are familiar with the false prophet. No, she was not the false prophet Scripture speaks of. I often wondered how entire nations could be deceived in the way Revelation proclaims. I saw how. I saw how good people who believed in God fell for everything she said, and she became like a savior.

However, before all her prophecies began, I just thought this was something that just was what it was, and nothing would come of it. Then, two girls on our team disappeared. We were in a mad search to find them. We had no clue where they were. There was a real fear for their safety. When we found them, they ran from us. It turns out this trip was already too much for them. They were finally able to get communication home and arranging to leave the group. They were the wise ones looking back. 

That night, as a team we met during our debriefing. We openly acknowledged we didn’t all agree with everything, but that’s what happens at mission trips. It’s about believing in the same gospel ultimately, so we were willing to accept different opinions about some things and grow from it. 

May 30, 2017

(I took a picture of this house before I realized the events within would completely change me)

This is the day my faith was challenged.

 It was just the day before I was finally able to get ahold of my mom. There was one place in the city with internet. You purchased a card and you had a signal in one small park for a limited amount of time. This was a way to control their people. I quickly called my mom to assure her I was safe. It was the first time I had talked to her since I had landed. I didn’t tell her the craziness that had already occurred. It would be more than a year after I returned before I ever told her everything. I tried reaching my dad, but was unsuccessful. 

We went to a house with a little girl who was paralyzed. This is when the split in our team happened. I along with several other team members refused to go into the house because they were claiming the girl couldn’t walk because her parents were practicing Santeria.

Yes, you read that right. The girl was being punished by God because of the sins of her parents. 

I would have prayed for that girl. Everyone on our team would have. But I refused to say this girl was being punished by God because her parents. I would not accept that. We were at that house for several hours.

(Standing outside the house)

Finally, I had to use the bathroom, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I went in. During this, there was shouting and screaming, breaking of glass. Another team member suddenly got the gift of prophecy as well, or so she claimed. She was directing the others where the “evil was”. I need to make you understand, these were our American team members. 

I could not believe this. 

I got outside as soon as I could. Looking back, I wish I would have called them out on the harm they were doing. 

Later, one of our team members came out with a stuffed animal and other things that belong to this young girl as well as a butcher knife. He began tearing the stuff apart. Then set it on fire outside. 

This was the moment that triggered my journey and question that I’ve already wrote about in the past of “Who are you God?”

On the bus ride back (about an hour long ride), I did something I had never done up to that point before. I wrote my prayer down. 

Essentially, “God, if I’m wrong about who I think You are, then just show me because I want to know you.” Ive never shared that prayer before, but here’s part of what I wrote that night, using my cell flashlight so I could see:

“God,

I don’t know why, but I feel like I need to write this down. I struggle in this life knowing You. I have an idea of the relationship I want to have with you. But I’m afraid it’s wrong. I’m afraid you demand a different type of relationship. I want to be intimate with you. I want to be able to talk to you......

.......

I came here wanting my faith to be challenged, and it has been. But not how I expected. I’m trying to figure this all out, but God, I’m struggling. And it hurts because right now I feel as if this prayer angers you. That it’s not respectful enough, because it’s not big and bold. But Lord, it’s said we love You because You first loved us. And I understand that now. But the reason I love you is because the way I picture this love you have for me. And I hurt because all I want to do is make You happy, but I feel like I’m failing. God, if I’m suppose to speak big and bold prayers, speak in tongues, cast out demons, dance, scream, holler, then show me. Because I will do whatever it takes to pease you....

......

And I believe that story of You is a story of the God I believe You are....

......

I don’t know what happened tonight. But I sense us giving ourselves credit and you’ve been eliminated from it. God, I can’t figure this out on my (own), and please forgive me if I’m wrong. But I love you. I’m going to listen for You now. so please speak. I love you.

Amen.”

The next miracle, the next song that came on as I finished writing that prayer was “How He Loves” by Crowder. I didn’t understand all of it, but I understood enough to know that God was telling me that our team was in the wrong for the things that happened in that house. 

A Team Divided

We arrived back at the church and we didn’t debrief that night. It was quiet. We all walked back to our casas. 

We tried to have conversations with our team leader the next day, but she was on board with the stuff we witnessed. In fact, the “new prophet” made the comment to another team members (and I’m paraphrasing) that she meant nothing at all to her. Secret meetings were held without us. The tension was high. 

One afternoon we left the city to go to some farmland to minister to people who lived there.

Our team split into two groups. You can imagine how the groups looked. We went to the houses, and we prayed for people, but the prayers were very intentional. We prayed for God to show love, to show His presence. For these people to feel God. Honestly, I believe these were some of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard in my life.

On a heartbreaking note, we encountered one woman with a serious infection in her legs. Tracy, who was a nursing professor at the University of Clemson told us it wasn’t something that looked good, and she needed real medical attention, something that wasn’t offered in Cuba.

But there was a real joy of us being able to minister to people. It was the first time we actually had that opportunity to do so. 

Then we rejoined the rest of our team...

Our joy quickly vanished. They brought with them a man who had struggled with (if I remember correctly, and this part may be wrong) alcoholism and other ailments. But he was given a promise. If he prayed to God and got saved, he would be healed of all those things right then. Of course he signed up for this type of religion. 

My question, what happened when he struggled with something?

When his prayer wasn’t immediately answered?

Only one answer, God is a fraud.

So let’s go to the next religion that promises something to us. The Christianity our team spread was no different in than those practicing Santeria. 

Despite all this, being away from the city was good for my soul. As soon as we arrived back and I stepped off the bus. I felt a heaviness in my entire body. I felt evil. I truly felt it. It was a weight I couldn’t carry. While I was in the city, I had thoughts that I am so ashamed of to write on here. My evil heart was fully exposed. The worst of my sins and feelings were magnified within my mind. The thoughts I had there are thoughts I never plan to repeat. Thoughts I never plan to tell anyone. It’s a shame I still carry. It was only in that city. 

Every night, I laid in my bed afraid to open my eyes because I felt the evil all around me in that room, so far away from everyone. I constantly felt like I was being watched. I fell asleep praying every night. I never ended the prayer. I literally fell asleep talking to God. During those prayers, he provided me the peace I needed.

I believe the enemy is wise. He is so wise. There are enough lukewarm Christians that if he ever revealed himself in the U.S., then the Church of Christ would explode. It would rise up. So no, he won’t reveal himself like that here. At least not yet. 

Preaching the Gospel in Cuba: Christ is my Firm Foundation

“Christ is my Firm Foundation.” That’s what my message I preached to the church became. It was originally intended to be about spreading the Gospel as a church.

I wanted to preach about grace, not the law. That Jesus fulfilled all those thing. I wanted to break down the walls of tradition that they had built up. So much was based on God doing good things because we do the good thing by getting saved. I wanted them to know that we still sin even after salvation.

If you read the Old Testament, you know that Jacob wasn’t exactly a great guy. It’s after his “God encounter” and his name is changed to Israel, we see him redeemed. Here’s what’s interesting, though. When God described Himself, he’d often refer to Himself as the God of Abraham and other great people and things He did. But get this. He also referred to Himself as the God of Jacob. Why? Wouldn’t God want us to know Him as the God of the good guy? The God of Israel. The version that was redeemed.

God is the God of Israel in our redeemed state, but He’s also the God of Jacob. He’s the God of the worst of us when we sin uncontrollably, when we do not have any good within us.

Translation to the Cuban church: Your love and gifts from God are not a result of what you do. You will still sin. When you sin, you don’t lose that love, you don’t lose the power of God that is within you. If he doesn’t answer your prayers how you want, it’s not because you aren’t good enough. He’s the God of Jacob. He’s the God who wore our sins. So he’s not running from them now. 

(Worship in the Cuban church)

Coming Home

Leaving the Cuban airport was a much different experience than arriving. Leaving many of our team members was a sad time. Some of our team members, there wasn’t even a goodbye. Several of us were on a flight with our team leader. She said nothing to us until we arrived in Charlotte. 

Several of us contacted AIMs with our concerns and experiences over what happened. No follow ups from them occurred. If anything, I personally felt betrayed. I had one team member who worked at the AIMs headquarters reach out to me and it became obvious he was fishing for information for AIMs. He was a person I had looked up to. 

Crazier yet, our team leader randomly showed up in LaFollette, Tennessee. I wasn’t home at the time. How she got my address, to this day I don’t know. 

One of my earlier blogs I wrote was a response to the leader of the band Hawk Nelson declaring he no longer believed in God. My instagram is set to public. While I don’t follow her (I don’t think she does me, but I could be wrong), she saw that post and commented “You don’t believe in God?” (once again, I may be paraphrasing). But it was set up as a personal attack; one that was unnecessary. In the years that followed the trip, I have been deleted from her Facebook, blocked entirely, and then more friend requests before being blocked again, and then sent more requests. 

I think of my time in Cuba often. I believe that God wanted me there. I’ve always joked I would never go back unless He sent me, but I prayed He wouldn’t send me back. In all seriousness, I don’t know if I ever will go back. I don’t know what my future holds in that respect. But I do know, there’s a lot of good people there that God is working with.

But I also know there are enemies working to prevent a true, unpolluted version of the Gospel from being spread. Unfortunately, as I learned in the summer of 2017, many of those enemies are even located within the church.

(Jose, our translator; one of the greatest guys I have ever met in my life)

(Another one of the pastors in the Cuban church; this was on my last night)

[greaterthanlows]

Is He for Me?

Is my well-being really a top priority for God? Let me rephrase, what is my happiness worth to God? Does it even matter in the grand scheme? (WARNING: Office spoilers ahead!)

Well we are officially into our first week of June. Part of me is excited to get back to work, but a large part of me has also enjoyed not working. When I do go back to school, I think one thing I’ll miss the most is being able to sit on my porch. While I’ve not written a ton, most of what I have written has come after midnight. Tonight is another one of those nights, as I sit here at 12:26 (edit, proofreading it at 1:18 a.m.). 

Currently, I have my door open so I can also watch The Office. 

Spoiler alert, Michael just broke up with Jan.

He was miserable with Jan, he’s very open about it. So you would think that life is about to look up from here on out with him, that he’s on the verge of finding true love. 

Instead, Michael is about to embark on several seasons of getting back with Jan, dating other women, and many heartbreaks.

So, whether it be love, career, health, finances, or the plethora of other scenarios we all go through, what is it that’s guiding us in life? 

Is it all just random luck? 

Is destiny in our hands?

Is it part of “God’s plan”?

If it’s God’s plan, what if we do the opposite of what He wanted?

I’m not sure I have the right answer. I’m not really sure that there is a right answer. Don’t misunderstand. I have no doubt at all that God is ever present in our lives. Scripture leaves no doubt about that.

“You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether...

Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, You are there!”

-Psalm 139: 2-4; 7-8

So, this is what I know. God is there. He’s here right now. Scripture tells us that He makes our paths clear for us, but it says nothing about Him forcing us to take those paths.

I must confess, I have strayed off those paths more times than I can count. If you’re like me, you probably believe you have taken your own path far more often than the one God intended for you to take. But isn’t it amazing? Isn’t amazing that despite which road we take, we end up at the same place? At the feet of God. At His throne. I believe when we end up there, ultimately we find ourselves at the destination He always intended for us to be at. 

Don’t assume I mean this happens every time. I think there’s a key component. That component is us putting our faith in God. Often times that faith is messy. It is far from clean. Even farther from perfect. But for those who truly love God, His mercy and His compassion are so great that despite the mistakes, He makes a way in His all too great, powerful, loving way that when we come to the end of the road we’ve been following and acknowledge our way doesn’t work, that He miraculously builds a road at the dead end we were at.

The road He creates for us at the end of ours isn’t always easy, and it doesn’t come with out bumps and bruises. Sometimes there’s deep pain that comes with it. The pain of knowing the things we know about ourselves and decisions we’ve made. 

But God is much more forgiving of our sins than we are of ourselves. 

I think often times the pain of remembrance we have is in part what God gives us so we can grow, so we can follow Him better. Punishments aren’t the same as lessons even if we feel like His lesson is the same as Him punishing us.

I love the song “I Confess” by Tenth Avenue North

“I try to linger in the sunlight

Every day I’m alive

But at night the restlessness takes over

And I’m scare of what’s inside

I confess, I admit

I look for life outside of You

I repent, I’m coming back

To the only joy that’s true”

I have found things in my life that I allowed myself to love more than God. Things I was so afraid to lose that I held on so tightly, afraid if I let God in, He would take it away. Why do we as Christians trust God in so many ways, but yet there are some areas of our life we refuse to let Him have control over because we think we know best?

For me, it was coming to the moment of confessing to God that there were things I didn’t trust Him with. The moment of complete abandonment of what I want, and instead trusting Him, that if wanted it, then at the end of my dead end road, another road would be made by His hands.

It’s crazy, even just typing that... reading that.... it gives me peace. 

But yet, we hurt in the lessons. Even if the lessons aren’t punishments, God is taking away the things we let get in the way of Him and the way we are to live. They weren’t bad... my way was... did I mess us so bad that something that was so good He’s taking away from me forever?

Maybe. Maybe not. I believe it depends on the situation. Maybe part of the road that God creates is time to learn to trust fully on Him and in time those things before make its way back. Maybe it never does. I don't know. I really don’t. I think on that road, the things that led us to where we are will be stripped away, whether temporarily or permanently, as I said, I don’t know. I just feel like while on that road, part of the process is being without that thing so we learn to put our faith in God and only in Him. 

Later on, if that thing comes back, whether it be a person, a relationship, a job, or whatever you may be dealing, you can have it in your life with God leading this time.

He’s a good father. My best friend recently went through a trial. They told me they felt God was punishing them, taking things away because how they went about things (and I’m paraphrasing because if they ever read this than I would be called out for every little word I’m getting wrong, and I say this entirely in love). But like I said, punishments and lessons aren’t the same thing. If you had a good father, despite your many mistakes growing up, you know your father never meant to cause pain in your life. Everything they did was out of love, never to prove a point. Never to take things away just to hurt us. When things were taken away, it was either because they weren’t good for us or because we weren’t ready yet for that thing, that toy... or whatever it was.

So if God has taken something away from you recently, maybe it was because it wasn’t good for you. Or maybe it was because you weren’t yet ready for it. But He never does things to prove a point to hurt us. 

Scripture takes a lot of effort to show us that God is our Father. If our father here was good, how much better is our Father in Heaven?

Lastly, going back to Psalm 139. Yes, God is everywhere. But He’s not just watching. No matter where I go, His hand is on me and in my darkest hour, it’s holding me.

“If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.”

-Psalm 139: 9-10

If your curious about what happened to Michael after he broke up with Jan, later on he gets back with her. He’s just as miserable (I personally think Michael has this very real fear of being alone and that’s why he does this and many of his questionable choices). They break up again, he dates other women, then he meets Holly, who he truly loves.... and she leaves... and he goes through his own journey during this time. 

Without spoiling the journey... the long, long journey of Michael Scott, he marries Holly in the end. 

“And then it’s perfect. I’m in no rush.”

[greaterthanlows]

Created in His Image?

*Deep Inhale*

*Deep Exhale*

I’ve spent a lot of time deciding if this was something I wanted to type out or not. Ultimately, I needed to know what I felt was from God, because I don’t want to add to more of the chaos that already exists in this current environment within our nation. I didn’t want it to be only how I felt personally. I needed it be the way I felt God was leading me to feel... what He was revealing to me. With that said, I believe what I feel is from God’s heart.

“For if I preach the gospel, that gives me no ground for boasting. For necessity is laid upon me. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel!”

-1 Corinthians 9: 16

Now what I have to say is far from a sermon, and I am far from being a preacher. But I think all Christians are called to preach... or I prefer to call it proclaim... in some manner. 

Before I go on, there’s two things I want to point out. If you’re not a Christian, you probably won’t be interested in this. Usually when I write, I try to give an account for who God is, a reason to believe. This is different though. I’m not saying if you don’t believe then don’t read, but this is something different. Something that I don’t quite have words to explain yet. Maybe when I proofread this at the end I’ll know.

Second... this isn’t going to be popular opinion. Not at all. I’m ok with that, though. 

“Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.’”

-Genesis 1: 26a

Before the literal arguments occur, no, we are not made to look like God. God is not a human form. And that is something to discuss in another blog for another time. 

The image of God meant everything about His nature. His desire for community, family. Yes, we see that very early on with the Trinity. His image and likeness also includes His wisdom, love, truth, ability and desire to communicate, holiness, and yes, the desire for justice as well. 

Yet, ironically enough, Jesus claims he never came to judge the world...

Don’t believe me? John 12:47. He came to save the world. Yes, there is judgement. And it will come. The Father demands holiness, perfection... attributes we can never reach because we are just too filthy. 

But Jesus came to save... to save us from the wrath due to us.

I’ve seen a lot of posts this week. One has stood out amongst the rest. Paraphrasing, the goal isn’t to not see color but to see color and see the struggle of others and recognize it. Like I said, I’m paraphrasing, and it was much more poetic than how I’m wording it currently.

But what does God see?

That’s where I’m at. I think He sees us for every bit of who we are. He doesn’t deny our pain or our hurt. I don’t want to speak wrongly on behalf of God. I’ve said many prayers that if I believe something that is wrong than for God to correct me because “I’d rather know You more for who You are than be wrong for my sake of pride.” So if I’m wrong when I say this, I ask for God’s forgiveness. I don’t want to speak wrongly on His behalf. I don’t want my words to be what leads someone astray.

So what does He see? I think He sees each of us in the image He created us to be. All those attributes I mentioned above. 

What if we as the church saw everyone else, believer and unbeliever alike, the way God does... that we saw everyone in His image. Yeah, I guess that means we do the opposite of that popular post going around I just mentioned. I’m not saying we don’t recognize issues that may exist. And to be honest, that’s not a conversation I want to get into right now. There’s time for that. First, though, I think we have to see how God sees. When we do that, we open up so much to love.

 I’ve seen a lot of people who are rioting and vandalizing who would say they are Christians who do not display love therefore it’s possible to be a follower of Christ. Jesus made it pretty clear that hating someone was pretty much a deal breaker when it came to being found in him. On the other side of the coin, I've seen a lot people who claim to follow Christ who are against the riots and protests openly show nothing but hate for those on streets protesting. Like I said. Deal breaker when following Christ. What if both sides, starting with the Church, recognized we feel differently about a great many things, but first and foremost we are created in His image and we start the conversations from there.

That image is what I’m holding on to. That perfect image of our Father. That stands out above the rest. Let me make this clear, believer or not, every soul was made in His image. 

I don’t need to hear the arguments anymore. I don’t want to. I want to see a movement of God. I want the walls and barriers that are built up torn down through His power. We have to face it, the walls we have built are so much stronger and tougher than we are willing to admit, and there’s only one capable of tearing that wall down. 

I don’t know, I’ve seen a lot of people say (not directly to me) that I’m part of the problem because of how I feel and my inaction is action and I’m not vocal enough.

Let’s all of us stop being vocal. Let’s all of us be quiet. Let us all seek God together. TOGETHER. Not in separate houses or streets. But as one body. In prayer. In silence. Letting Him move and speak and direct. Let Him heal. Somehow. Just because He can because His power is that great. We won’t always know how He heals. But we feel it. 

Believers are going to see a lot of people we were in conflict with on earth someday in paradise. We will see then how complicated we made it when it should have been so simple. When we are surrounded by nothing but His perfect love, we will be so aware of how we could have loved one another deeper and spread the Gospel farther. 

My final message.

Paul.

How many believers were martyred because of Paul? How many deaths was he responsible for? 

........

How many came to know Christ because of Paul?

Once again, I don’t want to speak wrongly on behalf of God, but I believe in Heaven we keep so much of ourselves. I don’t think we are just a blank canvas. I believe we are aware of our failures and sins we committed but they only magnify the grace of Jesus Christ. No guilt. No shame. Just another constant reminder of the love that Jesus has for us.

I imagine Paul, walking to his death before being beheaded. In an instant his life is over. In an instant he stands before his Savior. Well aware of his sins, the lives he took (he probably carried this guilt during his entire earthly ministry). Suddenly, the martyrs he created stand there before him as well. What must have been going on in his mind? I believe Heaven is full of learning. We get there and it’s not like we suddenly know everything. We learn, we experience how things feel for the first time. There stands Paul, uncertain how those who were dead and raised in Christ would respond or feel. More specifically, how they would respond to him. Then... the embrace and love that he received from them as they welcomed him home. 

Wow....

Heaven is going to be full of the worst people mankind has ever seen, yet before their death they turned to Christ. 

Mock me now that an evil man can turn to Christ before he dies and I will raise the question what will you do in your final days when you realize life is coming to an end and you finally see God for who He is. Countless men have mocked the mercy of God only to discover how much they needed it and God was faithful to give it in the last hour... in the last second. 

Some people will turn in their final moments. Personally, I don’t think it’s worth risking that because midnight often hits an hour earlier than we expected. 

But what about those who spent time just as evil men and women, but repented and spent years serving God. Those exist too. They meet in Paradise those they cursed... maybe even murdered. And they receive love. I get it. It sounds crazy. I said it in the beginning, if you’re not a Christian, this probably sounds crazy. Probably sounds crazy to believers as well. This truly is a scandalous love we are dealing with, full of controversy.

This is where I close. I don’t need to recap the events that led to where we are at now. I don’t know a man’s heart as another man loss his life at his hands. Here’s what I know, though. God was hurting for that man as he took his final breaths. God was hurting equally for the man who was leading this man to his final breaths. During those final moments. God saw two beings He created in His image. He was aware of the circumstances and events that led them to that fateful encounter. Yet, He was in pain over the image that was created and has become corrupted because of sin... because of this great curse we live under. 

I hope today George Floyd is in Paradise in the Father’s presence. He would be in a much better place than we are. 

“Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.”

I’m assuming that’s where he is. If that’s the case. Hate isn’t on his mind. Justice and revenge aren’t. Jesus is. And I believe he is hopeful that the man who took his life will someday greet him when he enters paradise. That if he doesn’t know the Messiah, than he would know him. He’s hoping this for every person he encountered in his life. Even the ones who weren’t his friends in this life. If he put his confidence in Christ, then I’m equally as confident that’s how he feels today.

Why do we seek forgiveness, but not give it as freely? 

I’m not saying justice doesn’t need to be served. I think that’s important on this broken place we call earth. I’m not proposing anyone gets off free with no consequences. I’m just saying as a church we love everyone. The least of these, yes. But also the worst of these. 

And for those we hate, we start seeing them through God’s eyes.... made in His image and we hurt for how far they are from God and desire nothing more than their salvation.

 Perhaps that’s how others will start seeing us as well.

A child of God.

[greaterthanlows]

Are We Sure He’s Good

Is God really good? I mean... really? As Christians, the answer we are suppose to say is “Yes”, and this answer should come with no hesitation. As a matter of fact, we sing songs about just how Good He Is. 

We sing songs about Him being a good, good Father. One of my personal favorites currently is “Goodness of God” by Bethel.

These songs are great. Poetic. And we claim they are full of truth. But are we biased? Instead, is that just what we want to believe.

This week I read something that shook me. The lead singer of a band I like made the public announcement that he no longer believed in God.

Jon Steingard of Hawk Nelson made the declaration on his Instagram page that he no longer believed in God. I was shocked when I read it. They are a group I have seen in concert a couple times while opening up for other groups and even got to meet them after a concert for a picture.

As I read his post, I have to admit that I noticed the sincerity in his writing. On a side note I was also pleased to see the number of Christians (particularly other artists) who reached out to him with love and support instead of shunning. But I was also troubled by the number of people who reached out with similar stories of no longer believing in God because of similar feelings as his.

Jon spoke of growing up in the church, but never really enjoying going. There were many issues he spoke of, but never once did I get the impression his lack of faith was because of what he perceived God not doing something for him. No, instead it was his trouble reconciling if God was truly good. If we are to take the Old Testament at face value.

Look, I know what it says in the Old Testament. I know the things that we don’t see as good coming from God. There’s a lot of death in there. It’s almost as if the God of the Old Testament is different than the one in the New Testament. How can the two possibly relate? 

I think this is a question the Church doesn’t like to address. 

I think when the Church does address it, we have tried to do it with the misunderstanding that those who hear already accept the sovereignty of God and for those of us who accept that fact, then we don’t question it.

There are great many who don’t accept that statement. There are also many followers who struggle with it, but there is this misconception that we cannot question God. 

Now Freeze!

When I say we cannot question God, that doesn’t mean we get to tell Him how to do His job, although I have tried this approach often... but that is a discussion for another day. What I’m saying is God welcomes our questions and concerns when we go to throne with them with the intentions of better knowing God.

I feel like I had one of those experiences of God revealing things to me this past Sunday afternoon during my studying. I have a place I go when I want to be alone with God. Only a couple of people who are very close to me know about what this place means to me. As I was driving there, I just had this feeling of expectance. I just had this feeling God was going to speak to me. How? I wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure. But He was going to. And He did. 

I began reading Matthew. I had to see proof of an instance of Jesus “breaking” the old way, the way we see God in the Old Testament, when we see the argument of a cruel and vengeful God. Chapter 12 we see the Pharisees upset when they see Jesus and the disciples working in order to eat on the Sabbath. There is much to the response Jesus gives, but one statement in particular he gives:

“I tell you something greater than the temple is here. And if you had known what this means, ‘I desire mercy and not sacrifice,’ you would not have condemned the guiltless.”

-Matthew 12: 6-7

I had a note written which beside it that simply said: “Hosea 6:6-This fulfills that verse.”

“For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.”

-Hosea 6:6

Where is the mindblower emoji?

There it is. Thank you. Ok, maybe you’re not quite getting that yet. But I did. Suddenly I was hit with this realization that the sacrifices that man made to appease God, they were never what God wanted. Never what He desired. He desired love from His creation (that being us).  

Now look, I understand this and the rest of what I’m about to write doesn’t answer every question. Maybe for you it doesn’t answer any. Maybe it’s just a personal revelation I had for myself. I’m not sure. What I began to understand from this was what God’s desire was from the beginning, something even deeper than just fellowship with us. It was for all of creation to love Him. Not just a select few. He wanted it from all. The sacrifices came as a way to somehow meet God where He was the best we (or they) could. The sacrifices could never be enough. They had to go away so we could simply love God. 

We could love Him!

We wouldn’t have to do things to reach Him, make sacrifices. No. No more. 

God desired our love and desired for us to understand who He is: “the knowledge of God”. I admit, we won’t understand all of His ways. But I just can’t buy the argument from the church we have to trust God blindly on every account because He is God. Yes, we are to trust Him. But I also believe there are things that would greatly impact our faith for the worse, that would lead us astray, I believe in those tings He seeks to have Himself revealed for those who seek.

Key statement being... for those who seek.

I don’t believe God is in the business of having people prove their worth by how much faith they have when they don’t have the answers. Does this please God? Yes. I believe so. But I believe what pleases Him more is when we don’t have the answers, and we take those questions to God and in the process we seek to understand them and understand Him, and we keep our faith in the silence, during the seeking. 

Second mind blowing moment you ask? 

What we refer to as the Love Chapter (1 Corinthians 13) isn’t just a description of how we are to love others. It’s a description of how God desires us to love Him as well.

* “If I speak in tongues of men and of angels.... but don’t love...”- God doesn’t want our big words, our big declarations. Jesus said as much when he talked about how to pray and how to seek God. 

* “If I have prophetic powers... if I have all faith... but not love....”- Jesus warned that many would come to him saying all the great things they did for him and in his name and would tell them to depart because they never knew him.

* “If I give away all I have... my body to be burned... but have not love...”       - Salvation is a free gift, given by grace, not by works so no man may boast. If we had to work, then it would be a return to the sacrifices and they would never be enough.

* “Love is patient and kind... does not envy... does not boast...”- We wait patiently for the Lord. We wait for HIs answers, for Him to lead. We trust. Because of our love for Him, our love for others is better. We do not envy to be like God. We aren’t worthy. We aren’t good enough. That’s a hard truth. We do not boast as if we are worthy of love. We only boast because He does love.

I could keep going and going. I understand this doesn’t answer everything. I’m still in the process myself of seeking. I’m still searching to understand why God called for the total annihilation of some nations for rejecting Him while giving others an opportunity to repent. I’m still seeking. 

What I do know is God gives all mankind an opportunity to repent, as big as that book we call the Bible is, there is still a lot of God’s works and commands not in it. I believe every nation, every soul had opportunities. I believe God sought after them. While the Jewish nation is God’s chosen people, I also know that even in the Old Testament there were many believers that He used and that worshipped him. Not being an Israelite was not a death penalty in the Old Testament.

I also know that it is irresponsible to say the God of the Old Testament has no love. We see love there. So much of it. It’s almost as if the closer we get to the end of the Old Testament and closer to the coming Messiah, the more desperate we see that love from God. It’s as if He’s aware what is about to happen. The time for sacrifices were coming to an end. The time where we could give Him the steadfast love He desired was quickly approaching. 

[greaterthanlows]

“Will You Trust Me?

I have been in a season. It’s been a long season. It’s been a multi-year season. Through it all, there’s been one constant question I have sought desperately. One question. One simple question. When I’ve been honest when discussing prayer requests with those close to me, it’s the prayer I ask they would say for me. 

“What is the nature of God?”

Notice, I didn’t ask who God is? I know who He is. But what is His nature? 

Good?

Bad?

Evil?

Sincere?

Cruel?

Loving?

Awful?

Terrible?

Beautiful?

Seriously, so many possibilities and so many days I just feel like I don’t know. Look, I don’t know all the answers from that book I read we call the Bible. If I did, life would be simpler. And if I could confidently answer, “What is the nature of God” then I truly believe I would be able to handle many of the trials and tribulations that occur in my life. I would have answers. And that’s what we want, isn’t it? Answers.

Earlier yesterday afternoon, I drove home to where my church is to get some work in for worship this Sunday.

(Pictured above is a shameless advertisement for my church)

While driving to the church, I played a song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately. I get on these kicks where I find a song or two and I overplay them. There’s a specific section that just really stands out to me in this song.

“If it’s random or providence 

neither are a comfort to me.

Are you cruel if you planned it,

or weak if you allowed it to be?

Half of me’s still believin’.

The other half is angry and confused.

Oh, but all of me is desperate

and longing to be held by you.”

It’s during this part of the song I start this prayer that I’ve said a million times now over the course of the past couple of years. 

“God, who are you? Show me who you are.... show me your.... (here’s the big word)... nature.”

Who are you.... translation is all those questions I listed towards the top.

I never have gotten a response from him on this topic. But tonight it was different. I got this sense... this feeling... call it whatever you want to.... I got this feeling that it wasn’t quite time for the answer to this question to be revealed to me. Then.... a question was suddenly popped in my head. A question I believe was God finally answering me.... the irony I suppose is His answer came not in an actual answer but a question. And it was so quick and sudden, it took me a second to process that this may have finally been Him responding back. 

“Will you trust me until I show you?”

Why is this the answer? Why? 

First thing is first. Christians are going to respond, “We know the nature of God. He’s good. He’s loving.” Non believers are going to respond with, “We know the nature of God. He’s cruel and vengeful.” And both groups will back it up with Scripture to prove their point?

If they both have Scripture to prove it, how can either be wrong?

That’s my point. I see the love and grace of God, but if I’m honest, I see things in that book that truly make me question so much about His grace. I see those things, and I start to question how will He deal with me, and it leaves me terrified. So instead of God saying how He is.... what His nature is.... He instead tells me (essentially), “I’m going to show it to you, but not just yet, and you have to ask if you will trust me until I do.”

Ok.... well two positives. I got an answer (in a way) and I did get a confirmation that He would reveal it to me (just not yet). 

So much of the problem is what I’ve wrote in the past. It was not even a week ago I have this very open prayer to God where I just speak very openly. Where I stopped telling Him what I thought He wanted to hear. Instead, I told Him what He already knew... all the things I felt. 

Within that confession was “God I don’t trust you.”

I guess it would only make sense that God would choose the thing that is my weakness in my relationship with Him, and that is what He would use when He speaks to me. 

So, God, You got my attention. I know that you were listening when I said all those things. 

I’m reminded of Chapter 13 in the book of John. It’s here that we are given the picture of Jesus beginning to wash the feet of the disciples. It’s Peter who refuses this. 

“No, Jesus! You’re never going to do that!”

Jesus makes it very clear to Peter it has to be done. No, washing Peter’s feet wasn’t essential to his salvation, but it would be symbolic to the need that we must be cleansed by Jesus before we can be his.

How many times have I told Jesus no to the things that He needed to do for me? How many times have I refused him, as if I knew what was best for MY life, that I knew the best path to take to get to the destination that I wanted. Not the designation that Jesus has planned for me. You know, the all knowing Creator. No, it’s the destination that I want. 

And so I travel and I push through, and often I do more harm than good. I don’t consult God about the manner. My only conversations are requests that He would bless and give me WHAT I WANT!

“GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, LORD JESUS!”

And therein lies so much of the problem. So I take this path and I take the hard way to climb the mountain to get to where I want. To get what I want. But before Peter ever denied Jesus doing what needed to be done so Peter could have all that he needed, Jesus acknowledged Peter’s confusion, and he didn’t do so with anger that Peter didn’t understand. 

“What I am doing, you do not understand now, but afterward you will.” 

Those letters are in red. Jesus, looking down on my life, looking at where I’m suppose to be, but instead seeing the path that I cave out for myself. Then I experience this pain and guilt and shame. So I do what I do best. I question God and where He is. Like the song says: If this was Your will then You are cruel. If it wasn’t Your plan, than You are weak because You were unable to change it. 

While I sit there in that pain, I get this picture that while I’m questioning Jesus, he’s saying to me:

“Johnathan, I know you don’t understand this right now, but someday you will. Someday you will see.”

First, He calls me by name. He personally knows me. Second, while I’m on this path to discover the nature of God, if I choose to take the Bible at it’s word, based off the events in Job’s life, no matter what happens in my life, good or bad, none of it occurs without God first approving it to pass. The question of Him being all powerful isn’t a question at all. 

So, as I continue this journey of discovering the nature of God, I have told Him of this lack in trust that I have in Him. In return, He’s asked that I give Him that trust back so He can show me more of who He is.

And something really crazy just occurred to me. God didn’t demand me to trust Him. He gave me the choice to. Knowing my fragile state, knowing your fragile state, He’s given me and you this choice of what we will do next in our walk with Him. Wow....

[greaterthanlows]

Random Rumblings from a Mad Man

I’ve told everyone that I have no form of a sleep schedule right now. Not even close. I think I finally fell asleep around 5 in the morning last night... or morning... whatever you call it. I’m sure I’m not alone with this. It’s currently 1 in the morning, so I decided to come outside on my porch and just start typing. 

I’m in this weird phase in my life right now where I’m trying to be extremely healthy. And I just have to say, If I’m honest, it sucks. I’m a guy who loves food. It’s easily my favorite thing in the world. There’s just something so great about it. Being up later lately has only made me want to eat more often. I had a really good friend suggest to me recently that I keep a lot of fruit around so I can eat that instead of junk or whatever else is lying around. So here I am, eating my pineapple. I also couldn't stand being parted from watching the office.... so I came up with an easy solution.

Tonight, I’m sitting here with my mind racing and thinking a million different things at once. 

Actually that may be a lie.

Actually, maybe it’s not.

I think there’s a lot on my mind.

But I also think I can’t think anything.

Maybe this is just a result of a great many things.

 A few years ago, I had this amazing opportunity to go on a mission trip to Cuba. Talk about life changing. 

A picture of our team... or at least what was left of them...

I could write so much just solely on that experience. Now that I mention it, I think I will do that someday soon. 

I have a great many thoughts about the things I experienced in Cuba. If there was one experience that forever changed me spiritually, that was it. But sometimes our spiritual growth isn’t because we “do good” or we see those who really struggle and it opens our eyes or we see God moving and doing good. There’s so many more ways, and sometimes those ways are not always the fondest memories.

But enough of that. I’ll save that for another day.

Tonight, one of the thoughts on my mind is towards the people of Cuba I got to meet and work with, the few I got to know in what felt like an intimate way even in such a short time. I’m thinking of all the things I have, the things I’m able to do. I can’t help but wonder do we realize what we don’t have if we never have it to not have... if that makes sense to you. What I mean, do the people I met there, are they aware of the things they aren’t provided for, the things they are missing out on since they’ve never actually had it, and really, they've never been around anyone who does for the most part. 

I’m guilty of it. I get so caught up in my own world, I often miss the intimate details of the lives of those around me. I say I lack things, but do I really know what it’s like to lack? Have I experienced that? Have I ever experienced the level of lacking that the people in Cuba that I was with lacked? 

And where is God in this? I often ask myself that. How did such cruel people gain powers and leadership? Where was God when that was happening. Where was He during the suffering? I think we all ask these questions when it comes to our own lives.

“Where are you, God?”

I think He’s there. I think He’s there with every single person in Cuba right now. I think He’s there with every single person in China, North Korea, the Middle East. I think He’s all around. I don’t think He’s just with the saints. I believe He is begging to those who are in leadership, the cruelest of dictators in the world to turn around, to repent, to acknowledge Yahweh as the one true God. To declare Emmanuel... God is with us, and He came to be with us in this person of Jesus.

I think we celebrate the deaths of evil people too quickly. I think we celebrate those being punished with too much joy. It scares me when I see Christians declare with great triumph that this dictator... terrorist.... murder.... whatever their crime may be is burning in Hell. 

Is the punishment just for many of them? Yes. Absolutely. If I received the same punishment, would it be just for me as well? Yes. Absolutely.

I think God is hurting for everyone who ultimately chooses to be eternally separated from them. Think of the most loving parent you can imagine. Maybe it’s your own. If their child chose to leave home and never return, to become a terrible human being, that parent will still only love them despite their crimes. They will always be holding out hope that they will return home. This is God as our Father. While we are celebrating the destination of an unbeliever we deem evil, He is mourning. 

I need to know God can forgive the worst of sinners. Because if He can’t then what hope is their for me? 

If all sins are equal, is their a commandment I haven’t broken?

I am 0 for 10. I’m just as guilty. I deserve to be separated from Him for all eternity. So I have to believe He is able to forgive the sins of the worst people alive because if He can’t forgive them, then He can’t forgive me either. And He can’t forgive you.

But the Nature of God is Love.

That’s my saving grace tonight. That He will forgive their sins, and He will forgive mine. And His love and grace covers a multitude of sins that paves the way for peace and fellowship with Him and mankind. That my wrongs with others may be someday made right. 

That’s my God. He’s a God who I admittedly don’t understand. A God who recently I’ve questioned in so many ways. Just today, I found myself having to ask God to help me forgive Him for the ways I thought He was wrong. Read that again. “God, help me forgive You.” That has to be blasphemy! 

But I think God needs us to stop trying to play games with Him. I think we need to stop trying to hide things from Him as if we can be successful. In my right mind, is there a thing I need to forgive God for? No! His forgiveness is what I need. Not the other way around. Today, a really good friend referred to Him as the God of Grace. And that’s true. He’s asking me to give Him my fear, my doubt, my anger. He’s been waiting for me to come to place to tell Him that I don’t trust Him to do what I need and want Him to do. Read that again as well. 

I don’t trust God to do what I NEED and WANT Him to do.

Why does He let me come so openly to Him? Why does He ask me to bring every thought I have to Him and give it to Him without fear? I don’t know. Because He should strike me dead for even daring to think I could say those things to Him. But No! He is inviting them in. He’s telling me to give Him all these things so I can see Him do a wondrous work. A work, even now, I sit here and say that I have my doubts He actually will. And that’s ok. Because He needs me to finally admit those things to Him. To admit that doubt. He’s not afraid of how I feel. He’s not running from it like I wish I could. He’s not uncertain about what to do with the ways I feel.

My prayers can’t be a routine. I can’t say what I think I need to get Him to respond. He needs me to surrender every bit of myself to Him. He needs me to start being content with just Him. Because, another self-confession. I haven’t been. I haven’t found my joy in just Him. And now I sit here... now at 2 in the morning... and it’s just me alone... sitting here on my porch with keyboard typing this out. If my joy isn’t to be found in Him then where will I find it?

He’s stripped it all away. To where it’s just me and Him now. I don’t know what’s next, and I think that’s part of why I feel like I have to forgive Him (again, I can’t get past how unreal that sounds). How many of you right now are there? You've found God has stripped everything away and now it’s just you and Him. What do you do with that? 

I spent some time thinking God was done moving. But He’s not. He’s moving still. Whatever situation you’re in right now, I’m in, your friend is in... it’s not a surprise to God. He’s not been caught off guard by my stupid mistakes, that I came to this place of distrusting Him, that you came to this place of distrusting Him. He’s not scrambling around trying to figure out what to do next. He’s always known. How is He going to move? I have no idea. I just know He is. I know He’s not finished yet. 

Pentecostal fire 

Stirring something new

You’re not gonna run out of miracles

Anytime soon

Well, I said it in the title. Just random rumblings. If you made it all the way through this ADD post, that’s impressive. I don’t even know how I’m going to get through the proofread with all the 180′s in this. I guess I better get started, though.

[greaterthanlows]

In the Fire?

I struggle. Gosh, I really struggle. I’ve often admitted I struggle with faith. In my first post, I was honest about that. I think if all Christians are honest, we would all admit we struggle with our faith at some point. But there are a few things in my life I’ve taken pride in.

 I’ve never really been angry with God. I’ve questioned Him occasionally, but often it’s been with the shades of “But Your will be done, God.” Honestly, I think I’ve often been this way from a point of pride. Like....

Hey, look at me. I’m human enough to admit I question God, but I’m also so spiritual I know His way is better than mine.

That meme says it best. Ok... all jokes aside. Yeah, I admit I have way too much pride. It’s a real problem. I’m also slightly ashamed to admit that I’ve treated my trust in God as if it were currency, a loan. 

Hey, God! I’m trusting you in this difficult time, so you owe.

What happens when we call in our loan from God and tell Him it’s time to pay up, but he doesn’t? Tonight was one of those nights for me. Even when I’ve questioned God, I’ve never lashed out at Him. I’m not that brave. Tonight all that came to an end. Tonight was really the first night I’ve every fully confronted God with my questions and my anger and my doubt when they’ve all been combined into one. 

Tonight was the night I lashed out at God.

There’s no need to go into extreme detail with everything, but essentially, tonight was the night I didn't get the news I was expecting.

No! I didn’t get fired, but if you know me, I bet that got your attention. 

Tonight was the culmination of a great many events, and it was hard to deal with. 

Disappointment.

Pain.

Hurt.

Surprise.

To keep going with different words to describe it would only be me taking up space.

I’m a weird guy. I like to run. I hate to run. But I also like to run. It’s one of those things, that when I do it, I honestly just feel so accomplished. I also like to run when I’m struggling with stuff. Today was that moment. I like to pray and worship when I run. I do a lot of talking to God during this time. With the exception of the dog that likes to chase me and bark at me as I fear for my life.

I promise, it’s much scarier in person. Anyway! I digress... badly. I went for that run because I just knew that I needed to be alone with God, with no distractions. I need that everyday, but I knew what was coming this particular night and so I needed it even more. As I was running, I got silence again. I feel like I’ve gotten that a lot lately. I don’t know why. There have been times in my life I’ve felt so connected to God, where I've felt Him leading me, but I’ve been in a season of silence lately where I’ve not been hearing from Him how I would like. 

Recently I read a book by Mike Donehey (singer from my favorite band “Tenth Avenue North) called Finding God’s Life for My Will. If you’ve never read it, I highly recommend it.  

“He never told me no, so I started walking towards yes. I stopped asking for an answer and moved based on what I knew was true. I guess you could say I stopped waiting for Him to part the Red Sea and decided to jump into the Jordan river.

....

Some decisions look terrifying until you realize God’s grace is strapped to your back like a parachute. I call it jumping into the Jordan because I had to let the currents of faithfulness wash away my fear that He wouldn’t come through.

....

When it came to marrying my wife, I realized I needed to stop worrying if Kelly was the one and start worrying about how I would treat her if she were. I quickly surmised that dragging her along while I weighed all my other options was hardly the most loving thing I could do. Running across the bridge that day, I came to the hard realization that I would have to take the first steps of faithfulness toward her if I wanted to find out if she’d be faithful to me.”

Boom! And that’s only chapter one of the book. I’ve read that chapter more times than I can count. I think this is true in so many areas of our lives. It’s not just relationships. There are so many areas where we want God to give us the answer on what to do, and often He has already given us the answer in the evidence of what we know, but we still long for a definitive from Him.

Recently, I started walking towards what I knew about things in my life. I thought that was His answer to me. And if that was His answer, then it couldn’t go wrong. And it wasn’t like I didn’t want what I was walking towards already. I did. I absolutely did. So badly. So, I walked towards it... until the answer from God suddenly turned into no.

I drove. It’s hard to be “loud” at God when you live in an apartment and have neighbors. So I just drove around. I parked a couple of times. Then I drove some more. Through all of it... the snot and tears... I felt this anger at God. Honestly something I’ve not really felt in 30 years of living. I shouted at Him. Questioning Him. Trying to question why He wouldn't answer me. 

“Am I really that bad? Am I that bad of a sinner. People worse than me hear from You all the time, so why can’t I? I was trying, God. I was trying to be better. What happened to Your grace? Where is it at now? Or do I not get it? I know it’s all my fault, and I’m sorry God, but why isn’t sorry good enough now?

This went on for a long time. I wish I could say that if you imagined it in your mind it was as funny as Michael Scott when he sees Toby is back. 

Alas, it wasn’t as funny. Not near as funny. It was painful. After I calmed down a bit, I went to the band room... to work. Confession, if you see I’m at the band room late at night working or cleaning, it’s probably because I’m not in a good place emotionally. 

I was still mad. I was still questioning God. I was still voicing my displeasure. Ironically, I had my iPhone blasting “Christian Radio” on the speaker even though I was still mad at Him. Then suddenly, I’m stopped in my tracks. A song I’ve not heard before starts playing, and it’s like it’s speaking to me... telling my story for this season.

“My heart is breaking in a way I never thought it could. My mind is racing with the question ‘Are you still good?’ Can you make something from the wreckage? Would you take this heart and make it whole again.... I’ve blamed myself, and if I’m honest, maybe I’ve blamed You too. But You would not forsake me, cause only good things come from You... Though the mountains may be moved into the sea. Though the ground beneath me might crumble and give way. I can hear my Father singing over me, ‘It’s gonna be ok.”

I thought my composure was back. Then it wasn’t. I just sat down where I was, felt the tears again. (Another confession about me. I’m an emotional guy. Very emotional. Tim Tebow emotional, I just hide it well, or try to). 

I heard this song (”Into the Sea” by Tasha Layton) speak my story. And I just felt it when it said He was singing over me. I think, maybe I’m crazy, that He was using this song to tell me, that even though I couldn’t hear Him. He was singing over me in that moment.

Like clockwork, the song “Another in the Fire” by Hillsong comes on. Man I love that song. And it came on right after the other one. Then I thought of the story the song comes from when King Nebuchadnezzar threw Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego into to actual fire because they would not sway in their faithfulness to the one true God. 

The men were faced with death. They were certain God had the power to deliver them, but they didn’t know if He would. How do I know? Well, they say say as much. 

“If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.”

-Daniel 3: 17

So there it is. There’s the faith that God was able. But it’s immediately followed up with the admission, they didn’t know what God would do, though. 

“But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

-Daniel 3: 18

In other words even if God didn’t physically deliver them, they wouldn’t worship the false gods. It’s bold, and yes they were very brave for it. But I think it’s important to realize they had a fear of the uncertainty of what God would do. It’s our flesh. And they admit that it is a very real possibility that God may not deliver them from the fire, and they may burn in it. Even if they were to die, but be justified by God in the process, the physical pain they would feel had to be in their mind. 

We’re told that King Nebuchadnezzar was so angry by their response he ordered the furnace to be heated seven times more than it normally was. In the process, Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego watch the men who carried them up to the furnace become overwhelmed my the flames and die because the furnace was overheated. Try and convince me there wasn’t fear for these men. We are given this amazing story of them being thrown in but a fourth man being the fire with them. They are brought out of it completely unharmed. 

This is great. But I wonder, did they know that God was delivering them while they were actually in the fire? Those on the outside of the furnace saw what was happening within. But what about the three men inside? At what point did the fear disappear? When did they realize God had not abandoned them? In fact, He was in the fire with them. 

Is it possible to be in the fire and have God with you and not even realize it?

If you’re really asking. I think the answer is yes. I think it is possible. I think so, because right now I’m in that fire in my life. And I know I’m not alone. Tonight so many people are feeling so much pain. They feel the flames and heat. But I think we have a reassurance from this story, that while we may be hurting, on the outside, there are so many people who are able to see God with us in the fire. We often struggle to see past our own pain, though. I’m guilty of that. 

It’s when God delievers us, which I’m confident He will do even in my pain, that we start to see the truth. And maybe you’ll be like Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego and come out with nothing burnt, not your clothes, hair, or skin. And you don’t even smell like the fire. Maybe. Or maybe your story is different. Maybe God will let the flames get a little closer to you. Maybe you won’t come out with no signs of it. You may even be exhausted. For those of you who like me are weary from the flames you are in, know that God offers rest. Not only does he offer rest after we are out of the fire. But he also offers rest while we are in the midst of it with the flames surrounding us. How do I know? Because He’s in the fire with us.

[greaterthanlows]

Here we go....

Well, I think it’s safe to say that I think the title says it all. Here we go.... Where are we going? Honestly, I don’t have any idea. As a teacher, my chaotic schedule that I had become so accustomed to has recently been rocked. Yes, I’ve still been working, and I think the argument could be made in some ways I’ve been working harder. But the schedule is definitely much different. 

Like everyone, the sudden shutdown of pretty much everything completely caught me off guard. Sure there were some rumblings and maybe some whispers. But I never saw it coming, especially to the extent it’s reached. The first real impact for me was when our indoor percussion championships through our ETPAA circuit was cancelled when we were only two weeks away. That was the first personal blow I felt and the first time I witnessed my students feel it. From there, our concert band would have concert festival cancelled and then our spring concert, and if I wanted to I could make this list much longer, but I think if anyone was reading this, then they’d get the idea. 

During this time, I’ve noticed myself awake much later than I normally am. To say my sleep schedule is shot would be an understatement. Like a lot of people, I’ve found myself asking God “why” a lot recently. Really, there have been a lot of deep conversations with a lot of questions for Him. If I’m being honest with you, though, my questions with Him have rarely been about the recent pandemic, so much as it has been about my own personal life. 

I want to be sensitive to the subject. I realize a lot of people have lost so much during this time. Whether it is health or finances or a surplus of things. So I want to be sensitive. But life has continued to go on. And with that, trials of various sorts have continued. In fact, when there has been so little to do, it’s like those trials have been at a deeper level with very little to distract me from them. 

You come to this point where it’s just you and God. And things that were painful, things that hurt, well, there’s just no such thing as an everyday routine to distract you from those things.

 In those times, it’s been very much about asking God some deep questions. Trying to seek Him. Trying to come into His presence. And wow, those coming into His presence moments, those are just unreal. You know what that’s like if you’ve been there before. I’m someone who admittedly has struggled with doubt so much in my life. I’ve began so many prayers with, “God, I believe, but help my unbelief.” When I have those moments of being “in His presence”, wow! How could I ever doubt Him. But the flesh really is so strong. And everyday it draws me in to remind me that something so good as this Jesus person, well, they could never exist. How could he? I push that aside, though. I have to. This Jesus person, he’s so real in my life, even in my moments of doubt.

Several years ago I was on a mission trip, and the first night we were there, our leader read scripture to us. The scripture was blunt. 

“How would people know if no one tells them?”

From that point on, all I have wanted to do was tell people about Jesus. That’s not saying I didn’t always want to, I have. But it was a very selfish version of “spreading the Gospel”. Often times, it was more about me being right and proving it and much less about Jesus. But man, that put some urgency to it. 

It was no longer about me being right. It was no longer about me in any shape or form. It was the realization there was more on the line than me being personally right or wrong. More than just my pride was at stake. It was, instead, the realization that if we as the Church, if we don’t tell people, they won’t know. Jesus did the hard part. He did the impossible. He did what we would never be able to do. But he still gave us a responsibility:

 proclaim.

 And that’s why I’m here. I just want to talk about this man we call Jesus. In this case, I guess, write about him. Like I said to begin, I have no clue where this will lead. I’m still figuring out what it means to hear from God. I’ve spent many years trying to discern what “hearing from Him” looks like and sounds like. With that said, I feel like this is where He has led me. I feel like He’s been leading me here for a long time. It’s something I’ve considered for years truthfully. But now, it’s kinda like, “Well, Johnathan, what else are you going to do? Stop making excuses. Just do it.” 

Maybe a few people read this. Maybe not. Maybe instead God will bring me into a deeper awareness of who He is as I write more about Him in the coming weeks, months... years? If that is the case, than how Great is my God that He would lead me somewhere like this just so He can have me grow closer to him. Because that’s the truth. No matter where you are at in life, I believe God is leading each of us to a place where we will grow closer to Him. For some, it may be a first time meeting with Him. Regardless, every person on this planet, no matter how strong or weak their faith is, He is leading to a place where we can grow closer to Him. He literally faced the worst of deaths so we would know His name. 

And believer or not, there is no denying that there was some event that happened 2,000 years ago, whether it be a crucifixion or a grand scheme to create a huge lie. There was something that happened that as a result, we know that name Jesus. We may not all agree on what that name means or that the person the named belonged to was God. But whatever happened, miracle or a lie, we know the name Jesus.

Whichever category you fall into from above I don’t know. For myself, I personally believe there is no doubt as to where He won’t go or lead us to bring us closer to him, to show us that the event that happened 2,000 years ago wasn’t just a grand lie created. It was instead a real event, and he’s drawing all of creation to different places that would allow it... to allow us... to know He is God. 

Sometimes, that may even include some random blog on Tumblr...