growingupmormon

[growingupmormon]

the religious trauma urge to confess everything and anything that comes to mind and makes you guilty so you can be forgiven by the masses

[growingupmormon]

it is a burden to be prayed for.

it is a burden to know that my victories are celebrated with him.

it is a burden to know that I do not exist to other people without god.

it is a burden to know my struggles are shared when all I want is to trust that my family loves me.

I hate this so fucking much.

[growingupmormon]

So while I was getting my degree in library science I chose the online Mormon and ex-mormon online community as my capstone project information community to study. I never anticipated having to explain to other librarians why I might have picked that community to study.



[growingupmormon]

"Learn about Jesus' teachings by going to the prophets."

I dunno, here's a crazy idea. How about reading about Jesus' teaching FROM JESUS HIMSEL? Then you at least get his words firsthand, rather than a mangled version of them.

Because we know the prophets lie about truth.

Nelson: God's love isn't unconditional.

If love isn't unconditional, then it's not love.

[growingupmormon]

i completely forgot it was general conference. As I wandered through the living room to the kitchen, passing my parents watching, i got jump-scared by a ghoul talk about how Abortion Is Evil and Bad.

[growingupmormon]

A talk on not giving up on those who leave and hoping/waiting for them to return.

What a joke.

First of all, the day I marry my fiancee, the church will be more than gleeful to kick us out because we're lesbians. The church isn't welcoming of those who leave. It isn't welcoming to those of us who stay.

Talks like this infantize those who leave. We haven't lost any light. PIMOs are proof that the church can't tell who has left the faith and who hasn't.

Until the church is actually open to all, like Jesus would be welcoming to all, then less people will return.

[growingupmormon]

Fuck Anderson and his talk on abortion.

Utter slop. Pure evil, that talk.

Ugh.

[growingupmormon]

Religion has no place in healthcare or reproductive rights. Old men should not be telling anyone what to do with their body. Amen.

[growingupmormon]

I didn’t even watch conference and yet:

[growingupmormon]

"WOW exmo tumblr sure is bopping tonight"

-looks at calendar-

OH, it's Conference weekend.

[growingupmormon]

does anyone else have imaginary arguments with their mom relating to lds stuff? i win fights in my head all the time bc ik exactly what she’d say if she knew my feelings about the church 🙃

[growingupmormon]

Omg

"Jesus gets excited every time he sees you on your knees"

[growingupmormon]

the angels in supernatural are Mormons

Loyalty over morality.

The Plan is everything.

Businessmen in suits wield the power of God.

We even have superhell.

Mormon Bishop Castiel Novak keeps his doubts muted and his obedience levels turned up high. He's been in a mixed-orientation marriage with Hannah for 18 years now, in an effort to cure himself from being gay. All is well and things are under control. And then Dean Winchester moves in next door.

bow your head and say yes, now posting new chapters weekly on AO3.

[growingupmormon]

As I listen to the General Conference talks today, they haven't triggered any protective rage in me. Granted, I missed the first talk of the second session because I fell asleep. 😅🤣

But there is one thing that I've been noting during all of this.

Believing in Mormonism and living it weakens a person's mental, emotional, and spiritual fortitude.

The beliefs make you reliant on something else. You need to have faith in someone else's ability to save you from some kind of spiritual death. It makes you fear your mistakes, as if they're being written down in a record to be used against you. This spiritual doom is so far into the future, too, something you will never face in this life because you have to die first to see if this will truly happen. It brings fear into your existence.

It steals your inner power and strength.

As someone who deconstructed both Mormonism and Christianity at the same time, I have found an inner strength beyond anything I ever had when I was a stalwart believer. Instead of begging and relying on a god, I find the strength to keep going in life from my own power. No more am I kneeling on the ground, groveling. I am standing. I am walking. I am strong. I am powerful. I am unshakable. I will not be controlled by fear anymore.

Going through a faith deconstruction was a harrowing experience, one that I would never force on another person. But I also would never go back. I have gone through a lot since my deconstruction and I am better for it. I am stronger for it. And it's all led me to my beautiful partner, my future wife.

Mormonism, to me, is a spiritual preschool. The teachings are childlike and simple. Therefore, you're kept spiritually childlike and dependant on the Mormon church.

I might not believe in Mormonism or Christianity anymore, but I am spiritually minded. It empowers me, rather than weakens me.

To all of you exmos and PIMOs out there, I want you to know there is hope in this world. There is life outside of the Mormon beliefs, even when you're still entrenched in it. I still am. I still attend to maintain the peace in my home because I don't want their hearts to break. I'm lucky. They're accepting of me being gay, but they'd have such a harder time accepting my non belief.

But no matter what, there's a beautiful life to have outside of these beliefs. These beliefs are chains. You've broken free. Live each day to the fullest. Life is short. Avoid thinking too much of tomorrow. Live in the moment.

The past is gone, tomorrow doesn't exist, and today is all we have.

Always call forth the good. Do your best to avoid always dwelling on the bad. I'm not trying to push for toxic positivity nor discounting depression and anxiety (I deal with both all the time), but I'm trying to instill the need for calling forth the good rather than the bad. If you focus on the bad shit in this world, it's just going to increase in your eyes. I try so very hard to focus and call forth the good. I don't want to live in a fear based mindset.

Show me how good it can get.

Devote yourself to something creative. Write. Draw. Build. Craft. Anything and everything. Create. Create and create. Bring something to life and it will give you life. Try even in your darkest days. It's been a hard two months for me and I haven't been able to write very much, but I have written an average of 100 words per day. I want so much more than that, but it's all I got right now. But it's good enough.

You are good enough. You are more than enough. You are not a sinner. You never were. You don't need to be saved. Instead, you have the power to save yourself, to thrive, to live a wonderful life.

There's nothing you have to do or be to worthy of good things. You deserve good things and always have and always will.

You are beautiful. You are wonderful.

And I'm proud of you.

May good things always come to you and may you continue to become the powerful, strong, and beautiful human being you have always been.

Isa

[growingupmormon]

I was totally planning on following this weekend and posting responses to conference but I totally spaced. My aunt died last month and we've been going through all of her stuff and my grandmother's stuff that she collected. I'm sad but coping.

I did find a ton of LDS/Mormon stuff that my grandmother held onto and I'll probably post some of it once I go through it. The whole thing was very mind controll-y

Hope you're all hanging in there!

[growingupmormon]

Lady came into the library and like a spidey-sense I just knew

[growingupmormon]

I left because there is no place for me in the church. Anyone who tries to convince me that that’s not true does not know what they are talking about. They literally don’t. They couldn’t possibly understand how hard church is if they will never experience it themselves.

I simply do not believe in a god that would have such a strict set of limitations on how to live my life. Because it’s simply the truth that being queer is not immoral. It’s just something that happens. They go on about his infinite love but there are so many conditions that he has that imply that he would love you less if you didn’t sacrifice something. That you don’t love him enough if you want to drink some coffee or tea sometimes. You can’t enter his holy house if you don’t pay money to his disciples. I don’t believe that a god that created me to love a woman would tell me not to for character development. I don’t believe that god would make a super sacred rule for certain people to not get to have romantic companionship, I don’t think it’s predestined for certain people to be lonely. I know this religion isn’t for me because I felt a burden was lifted the moment I realized the church’s interpretation of god isn't a one I believe in. It was so relieving once I stopped being afraid of what god thought of me for being so rebellious to even entertain the idea he might not be what I was told he was supposed to be.

So no, you will continue to not see me at church on Sundays, not see me at Friday night activities, or participating in devotionals.