gruzd

[gruzd]

leave me,

ill burn in your wake.

[gruzd]

do you ever feel

like

the world

is

swallowing

you up?

[gruzd]

i wish i could talk to you forever,

the sound of your voice

lulling me like a gentle wave's breath

[gruzd]

The air here smells familiar, and the wind sounds almost sad, like the low and distant howling of the dog you never had.

[gruzd]

he can tell that she's sad.

if you asked him why, though, he couldn't explain it. laina arrives to class on time, smiles like she normally does, is perfectly polite to all the teachers and still blushes, rose dusted prettily across her cheeks, like she always has. there is nothing - at all - different about her or the way she acts.

except - except there is.

there is something, a small something that makes him hesitate when he looks at her. her eyes, always a hint of gray in them, looks more like december skies than of baby blue peonies. her smile, maybe, not as quite as wide, not as quite as frequent. she wears sweaters now, a little bit longer than they used to be, covering her wrists and draping over her. and is he just imagining it or do her eyes drift down more often than they used to, fixated on her shoes when no one is looking?

her fingers grasping the edges of her books, slightly ruddy red. her skin, a little paler, her eyes a little duller, her sweaters a little longer. these thoughts haunt miguel from time to time, when he has enough of a breath that he can think about something other than school or drama or his failing grade in psych class.

he wants to ask her, of course, if there is anything different. he wants to know if there's anything wrong, or if it's just all in his head. but whenever he racks up the courage to ask, like flowers filling his throat, no words can come out. instead he lets her talk about school and drama and clubs, let's her complain about her dad and about kianna, because at least it is nice listening to her voice --

(even as she pulls her sweater sleeves down, hiding a curve of something dark against her wrist --)

and is better than thinking about the thought that haunts him still:

when has the last time he's heard laina laugh? really laugh?

[gruzd]

it isn't like she means for it to happen.

not any of it. not them drifting apart in junior year, in a way that makes her feel like she's not only lost her best friend but her only friend, the only one that matters. she isn't trying either when things - when she - becomes quiet or sad, but just like the aforementioned thing, it just happens. and most of all, she doesn't mean for miguel to meet jeannie, become closer with jeannie, and replace her with jeannie.

(even if, somewhere inside of her, she knows its not true. of course, miguel is her best friend. they still hang out together, still study together, but now she has to share him with drama club, which unfortunately includes jeannie too.)

laina isn't trying when any of these things occur. they just happen. it's out of her control. fate is the one I the drivers seat, and she's just the passenger.

and things don't change, even when she meets derek. derek just Happens too.

(even though "meets" isn't quite the right word, because they've been classmates all this time. it's just that she just never really noticed him when there was a different blond taking up all her time)

they're lining up at the airport, all the juniors and seniors from miss martin's third period class, and the other asl students that had to tag along. miguel is there too, of course, to send her off with jeannie (attached to his arm, like always). laina smiles back at them - if a little strained. a small wave as she's squeezed through the crowd.

that's the moment when she accidentally steps on him. steps on Derek Paxtons shoes - of course, of all people it had to be him. he eventually makes a comment, huffing and puffing, trying to make a scene. laina isn't sure what it is - maybe it's the frustration that they're being squeezed into a tight space, that the teachers didn't plan this properly at all. maybe it's the Something that tugs at her when she watches jeannie lean close to miguel, probably asking him when the next rehearsal is, but for all laina knows could be whispering how silly laina probably looks in her skirt. and is miguel laughing? he looks like he's laughing. it's this and that, and it's everything - laina, rather than be nervous and flustered like she normally would be, snaps at derek.

"they're just shoes," she says."don't you always buy new ones anyway?"

derek, obviously not expecting this, blinks. then, awkwardly, "uh, yeah, i guess."

before he can say anything else, laina brushes by him, squeezing off her shoes and into the security gate.

she doesn't mean for it to happen - to snap at him, quite like she did - but it does.

it's out of her control, really.

[gruzd]

she goes away. the first time that laina leaves him is junior year in high school, months before The Prom Incident. the entire french department decided to uproot their juniors and seniors to go to france. it is a wonderful opportunity to experience french culture and cuisine, to explore the world beyond their small, mid-suburban home town. laina is excited, more than excited actually. especially considering how she hasn't felt anything more than despair in the last several months -- this exciting opportunity was a welcome reprieve from her steadily growing depression. not that, of course, miguel knows any of it. it isn't his fault. he's busy with his own things, and they've been drifting apart all year. that was just how things went sometimes. however, he's still her best friend and she gushes her news happily to him as they walk from their lockers to their shared psychology class. for the first time in a long while, there isn't a redhead tagging alongside him, and laina is happy enough today not to want to ask why. she tells miguel that she is going to france, and he stops. the breath leaves him - almost. of course, laina smiles, books pressed against her chest and nearly bouncing on the balls of her feet. "just for a week or two, " she admits. "but isn't it exciting miguel? i-i wish you could come along too." her voice is shy, which makes him feel shy, a starting blush on his cheeks. before he can say anything else, however, the bell rings and they are coralled into their third period classroom, sucked into the stories of frued and nieztsche, cramming information for their next test in the upcoming week. miguel is busy, with drama club and the soccer team and his new friend jeannie, but he makes sure to make time for his best friend as she fundraises for her upcoming test. there is a odd feeling in his chest - not quite bitter, not quite sweet - as he helps laina set up for the bake sale, or lemonade stand outside their home, or holds her things as they walk door-to-door selling candybars. eventually, she's able to get the money and more importantly, permission from her parents and that march, laina goes on an adventure for the first time in her life. it's hard not to be happy for her, especially knowing how strict and insufferable her parents can be. especially seeing the beaming smile on her cheeks in the photos she posts on spacebook, or reading her excited ramblings (photos inclusive) of all the delicious food there is. it's hard not to be happy for her, but somehow miguel manages. it's not that he's unhappy. it's just that... he misses her. it's only two weeks, he tells himself, easily, bracing a smile as they connect via skype. plus, it wasn't like they had seen each other much to begin with before she left, with the two of them juggling their various clubs. it's not weird that he misses her so much, he tells himself. they're best friends. they're childhood friends on top of that. he's used to having her around all the time, and now that she isn't... well, of course he misses her! that's only normal! but even that doesn't explain away the tightness in his chest when he sees a flash of blond hair in the camera lense one day when they're chatting. "laina - " the voice is gruff. definitely not a girl. what was Not-A-Girl doing in her bedroom? "we have to go. the teachers' said dinner is at 7." "oh! yeah, i forgot. okay, miguel! i gotta go! talk to you soon!" click. just like that. it's just because they're best friends that he misses her, that he's worried for her. just a little bit. of course, it's not anything strange. (but really, who was that?)

[gruzd]

in an instagram post made by sm entertainment employee, kim oh seong (@kimohseong), in support of onew’s solo debut, it is implied that “shine on you” was written for jonghyun. the caption on the post reads “for jonghyun”. “shine on you” is one of the two songs on voice that onew personally penned the lyrics to. one translation of the lyrics can be found below. thank you to @amberrlockett for translating.

[gruzd]

laina doesn't go to the wedding.

of course, he is the one who gets married first. jeanette has always been the kind of person who couldn't wait. a whirlwind of a woman, she was always stealing him away and into whatever new thing drew her interest. she wanted to go traveling? the tickets were already booked. (even though he'd made plans to spend it, like he did every year, with his best friend.) she was going to audition for a play? they could do it together. (even though he had crippling social anxiety, but hey, what was wrong with trying new things? "everything, absolutely everything" he had learned, moaning in his bedroom when he remembered how he'd vomited on stage in front of the panel of judges) and once, jeanette thought rockclimbing could be fun. miguel wasn't really the sporty type, but he could try it. (and as you might expect, he ended up with his leg in a cast not even a week after.)

it wasn't that miguel was without a backbone, was spineless. of course he wasn't. there had been a few times that he'd stopped her, told her that maybe it was a bit too dangerous. ("jeannie, I don't think visiting the beach in the middle of a hurricane is a good idea" or "jeannie, buying an alligator sounds kind of... risky") but it was just that jeannette was a whirlwind of a woman, a fireball, impossible to be contained and miguel - unfortunately - had been caught in the crossfire.

and of course, there was the fact that she was his girlfriend. what kind of boyfriend would be be if he didn't support her? his mother wouldn't approve of he'd treated her wrong.

so when she proposes to him, a few years into them dating, that blazing look in her eyes, who is he to argue?

... plus, laina - his best friend - she's all the way on the other side of the country. he's all alone.

what was he supposed to do?

[gruzd]

Choosing the right gift, a jhjmk drabble

When it comes to Hyunjoon, Junghee will do practically anything. Even if it means doing something that he’s not all that keen on doing. PREMISE: Junghee and Hyunjoon live together, and Junghee needs to get him a Christmas present.

When it comes to pokemon, Junghee has never thought much of them. 

When he was four, and received an earful of a gift when he accidentally opened up a gift for his father, he didn't have the time to think about pokemon. He was too busy crying, his ears ringing in a way that seemed like they would never stop. 

Then later, when Soojin had came into his life, a real pokemon, that was his and now just a hand me down from his father, he had wondered if it was something he was supposed to be excited about. Certainly, this was the kind of thing young kids dreamed of, getting a Treecko for the very first time. But he had had Daeho almost his entire life, so this didn't feel like a special occasion. Plus could it really be called his pokemon when really it was more like she was simply working for him? 

And as for all the other pokemon that he had gained along the way, Junghee had never thought much of them either. Most came into his life by some way or form, either as a gift or simply stumbling their way into his line of sight and demanding to be taken in. He didn't mind them. They were useful, both in the way that they could be sources of income and in the way that they could be entertaining when one was lonesome. They were easier to deal with then people, sometimes, and sometimes they were a whole of a lot more difficult. Junghee had never thought of pokemon much beyond this, only because he had never had a reason to. 

He wasn't afraid of pokemon but he certainly didn't get all excited over them either. 

It was sort of like fans - just a general facet of life that he accepted. He neither liked or dislike them, yet understood their significance. He would have never dreamed of a world without them, if only for a fact that his world had always had them. 

Hyunjoon, however, did not like pokemon. Unlike Junghee, who had always had to deal with them for as long as he could remember, Hyunjoon remained completely unaware of pokemon until he'd met Junghee's own. Even then, it had been pretty much minimal interaction. In general, Korea's existence of pokemon - especially in their idol world - was pretty minimized compared to other areas of the world. 

Hyunjoon hated pokemon. Well, no, he was afraid of them. 

It wasn't a terribly surprising thing - considering the amount of pokemon that towered six feet or higher, with fangs or claws that could easily slice up a human being without trying. However, some pokemon were gentle and kind and relatively nonthreatening. 

They had talked about it before - mostly in the hours of the morning when they were drowsy but not quite sleeping. They had talked about how certain people simply had an affinity with pokemon - such as Minki - and how others didn't. Hyunjoon had once said he wished that he was part of the first group, but was unfortunately part of the second. It made Junghee want to help him, even if Hyunjoon had never asked for it.

But Hyunjoon would never get a pokemon on his own. Junghee was sure of it. So Junghee decided: he would get Hyunjoon a pokemon for Christmas this year. Not just any pokemon. But maybe something nice, non threatening and able to erase Hyunjoons fear of pokemon and then they could visit Minki on his family ranch with much more ease. Which they both agreed they needed to do more of.

                                                             . . .

And so that was how Junghee ended up at their local pokemon shelter, staring at what had to be at least 30 different breeds of pokemon. Most were canines, which wasn't surprising considering that was the shelters speciality. Junghee had thought a dog pokemon would be good for Hyunjoon, since they were generally the easiest to get along with and the least terrifying of options. 

But while Junghee had never had a problem with pokemon, he had never been all that good with them either. 

Staring at the group of pokemon who were barking, whining, or yelping from their cages, Junghee wondered if perhaps he should have called Minki for this particular project. Minki would have been good for this. Suddenly, this seems overwhelming. 

He was used to selecting between things with objective value, objects that are able to be ranked; he searched “best toothbrush” on the internet before buying a new one, did his research on brands of bedsheets. He wished he could ask the man corralling pokemon in and out of their pens, excuse me but which one is the best? and take that one. Perhaps he will call Minki.

                                                            . . .

"Hyung!" Minki calls as soon as he spots him, a million-watt smile on his face like it always is whenever any of CROWN5's former members call him out. The sight makes Junghee soften; he wishes more things in life were as easy as pleasing their maknae. Life would be so much easier. 

On the phone, Minki seemed both touched and excited that his eldest hyung had reached out to him for help. And to help his other hyung no less! It was incredibly rare for Junghee to ask anyone - especially people that weren't Hyunjoon - for help, so he'd immediately rushed over. Plus they were at a dog shelter. How could he resist?

The maknae immediately attaches himself to Junghee, throwing him in a suffocating hug before proceeding to drag him through the shelter. It's as if Minki already knows this place - as an afterthought, Junghee realizes that it's possible. Minki's family owns a ranch, don't they? 

Minki gushes excitedly as he explains the different kind of pokemon to Junghee, and which he thinks are the best, and Junghee listens to this in relative silence, trying to keep up to speed with his dongsaeng. He catches the tail end of Minki's final words a little too late and nearly reels when it catches up to him.

"Wait,"  he says, throat feeling a little parched. "You want us to play with them?" Minki's smile is a little too saccharine. For a moment, Junghee wonders if the maknae is really as innocent as he pretends to be. But there's no time: Minki is already dragging him through those filthy gates and into the backyard. "C’mon! Let's go!" 

                                                            . . .

And that is how Junghee found himself sitting on some wet grass, looking vaguely uncomfortable as a Fennekin dozed on his lap. The weight was heavier than he would have liked, and the pokemon was definitely closer than he would've liked. Junghee had considered a cat pokemon for Hyunjoon but quickly dismissed the idea. Cat pokemon were quiet but they were fickle, and Junghee didn't want to be responsible if one accidentally scratched Hyunjoon and turned him off of pokemon forever. 

He glanced over at Minki, who was on his hand and knees in the dirt as at least ten pokemon clambered all over him. It looked suffocating. Junghee wasn't sure how Minki handled it so well; the younger boy was grinning, cheeks faintly flushed as he tossed a bright red Frisbee and three dog pokemon went chasing after it. At least three pokemon were nosing at Minki, in his personal space, licking his cheek - Junghee repressed a shudder. Minki didn't seem bothered at all, though, continuing to laugh as he rubbed the offending Growlithe between the ears.

A Growlithe. They were loyal dogs, and respectable. Police force constantly employed them in their line of work, but then Junghee had an image of an Arcanine sitting on their shared bed, or taking up their entire kitchen space, and promptly changed his mind.

He turned his head and that's when he saw it: a dog pokemon that he didn't recognize. It was the size of a puppy, and seemed to be chewing at a rawhide bone. It didn't seem all that concerned about the chaos around them, nor did they seem particularly aggressive. If anything, it seemed even somewhat ambivalent about chewing the toy between his paws. He knows boundaries at least, Junghee thought.

Gently easing himself off the Fennekin in his lap, Junghee made his way to the dog. It was a light brown color, with a darker rudd around its neck and ears that seemed to stick up slightly. When Junghee approached, he looked up and blinked, staring evenly back.

"Hi," Junghee said. 

The dog then broke out into a smile, bright blue eyes now focused and answered back with a bark. The sound alarmed Junghee somewhat, but the dog didn't immediately jump up and slobber all over him like he thought it might. This gave Junghee the courage to reach forward, running his hands through the coarse fur and rubbing the pup between the ears. The dog seemed to appreciate this, tail thumping happily on the ground, but not too happy. This was good.

Smiling, Junghee looked at his tag and read Rockruff. Oh, so it was one of those new pokemon from Alola. Junghee didn't know much about them, but the current stage seemed incredibly cute. Staring at its bright blue eyes kind of reminded him of Minki, and knowing Hyunjoons affection for their maknae, Junghee thought he'd like him too. Yes, this was the one.

"Minki, I think I found one," he called over to his maknae, beginning to stand up. Junghee wasn't sure what kind of pokemon it'd evolve into, but how bad could it really be? As long as it didn't evolve into an Arcanine that would engulf their kitchen, everything would be fine.

[gruzd]

the first time they met was also the first time they fell for each other.

or more accurately, into each other. littlepaw was returning from a patrol with her father when she saw a blur of orange and felt her paws unceremoniously give beneath her. it was only later that she felt the pain in her then-bruised flank and the leafgreen eyes of fellow denmate and apprentice, wildpaw.

he was sputtering an apology - "sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to -"

cute, she couldn't help but think.

-

his first memory of her is actually long before that. wildpaw was the only kit in his litter when he was born. his brother had been born moons before him and was basically on his way to warriorhood. despite being an only child, his mother had never quite hovered over him like other parents might have. the moment he learned to walk and talk and feed himself, he was good. of course, his mother still took care of him. she let him nurse until he was ready to he weaned, and later, she let him ask all the questions about his parenthood that he wanted to ask. not that she ever gave him a real answer about them - only that his father had been a mistake, and that he didn't need to know anything about him other than the fact that he was gone. whether he was even shadowclan, wildpaw wasn't sure and his brother wouldn't tell him.

anyway,

the point was that wildpaw was an only child but he had been taught to be independent. which was why it was always a curious thing to hear about the likes of lightfur and cherryheart, who followed their single kit with all the scrutiny of a hawk. she was two moons younger than him, but as soon as he heard of her, wildpaw felt connected. there weren't many single kit litters in shadowclan, after all.

they would make good friends, wildpaw thought. maybe when he was an apprentice - a cool knowledgeable one - he could even teach her a thing or two.

of course, apprentice hood did not go like wildpaw thought it would. his mentor turned out to be a grumpy tom named flintfur, and was always critiquing his hunting crouch. wildpaws first and second moons were filled with practice drills, hunting patrols and arranging the elders bedding. he pretty much forgot about littlekit and her curious parents.

until he ran - literally - into her.

[gruzd]

So Tired…. (via riqwammy)

[gruzd]

There were at least fifteen.

Fifteen problems that Theodore could see at the moment, and every single one bothered him. He wasn't a perfectionist - except he was, and he hated it, and he blamed it entirely on his father. Simon King was no stranger to perfection. He had lived his entire life with it. Or rather, striving for it.

Come on Theodore! Greatness waits for no man! And what, after all, was not greater than perfection personified.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't his father's problem. Simon King had never even spoken the word "perfect", because that would mean there was an end in sight. Theodore was almost positive his father, despite all his eccentricities, had never seen an end in sight - no, that would ruin half the fun. No, Simon had /envisioned/ ends but he never met them, because for every time he approached them, he would find a new one to chase after.

Glorious. Wasn't it.

Theodore sighed; spending a Sunday afternoon lamenting about his father and his relationship with him was not what he had pictured as an ideal afternoon. He folded the shirt in front of him, stacking them to a pile of other, very crisp dress shirts. Alright, one task completed. Only fourteen more to go.

[gruzd]

i loved her so much that it hurt,

that I would start fires and burn bridges

just to see her smile

to see her smile makes me smile

to see her happy makes me happy

I really love that she found love

a really, truly beautiful thing

[gruzd]

Yin and yang. Black and white. Two halves of a whole. That was the story of Blake and Fakir, two people who would never meet until they did.

[gruzd]

the worst home was when he was 14. a mother and father, with two sons that were just around christians own age. a perfectly happy family in the suburbs. it would have been the perfect forever home, if christan hadn't been touched in the way that he had.

[gruzd]

he was bullied a lot, if you want to be perfectly candid. a bruised jaw, a bleeding lip. they called him a puss, faggot, whatever you name it. no matter how you looked at it, Christian was not a normal kid and everyone did anything they could to try to label him. not that any of it was really all that successful.