guiltriddencorpse

[guiltriddencorpse]

sometimes i wish i never met them.

not because they're bad, or mean.

but because i just don't want to care about anyone. i don't want anything or anyone tying me to this place. i want to disappear, i want to cut everyone off without hurting them.

[guiltriddencorpse]

shout out to :

people who fit into stereotypes

people who don't fit into stereotypes

people who like stereotypical things but are reluctant to enjoy them due to how others may treat you.

autistic people with special interests like anime, stuffed animals, trains, sharks, etc.

autistic people with special interests in obscure topics, media, etc.

tmascs who like feminine things

tmascs who like masculine things.

tfems who like feminine things

tfems who like masculine things

autistic people who stim in loud obvious ways.

autistic people who stim in quieter more subtle ways.

autistic people who hate being autistic

autsitic people who love being autustic.

autistic people whose feelings on their autism changes.

people who make one thing their entire personality

low empathy individuals

hyper empathy individuals

people with personality disorders

people who struggle with addiction.

people who struggle with day to day life.

chronically ill individuals

those who use alternative forms of communication

disabled people.

therians, otherkin, furries, systems, anyone with neurodivergence, abuse survivors, people with emotional dysregulation, queer people, xenogender and neopronoun users, pet and age regressors, impure regression, aroace people, religious people, non religious people,

anyone who has ever felt out of place, alien, or faced discrimination even within their own community.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i will be 17 in 5 days.

and i feel like a loser.

i havent got my licence. i have one friend. (not an exaggeration, i have social anxiety and am generally introverted so i dont really like people but i still get lonely) i am homeschooled but will be doing schooling for a year longer than my peers. i am behind in so many subjects. i feel like im still 12.

its just not fair. nothing is fair.

you dont get to do this to me. you can not leave me. how can you, when i am crying, begging you not to leave me and issuing an ultimatum where i will tell your friend if you dont promise to stay, say "it will break him if he knew." what about me? why are you shielding him, and not me? why. why are you saying that as if i am not breaking. how can you continue to make suicide jokes. continue to say that you wont be around in november. that you wont 'be around then' or 'wont have to worry about that'. they arent funny. not so close and not when there isnt even a punch line. what am i meant to say? do you truly think i am so cold and callous that i could be laughing? the first person to seek me out. the first person to be so patient and kind. the first person to want to help me. thats not something i could even crack a grin about.

you dont get to do that. you dont get to say, "a little girl isnt meant to feel like she should be dead" as if i havent felt the exact same way. as if this topic is completely foreign to me. as if, in the past 2-3 years i wasnt actively then passively suicidal. as if my cousin wasnt very actively trying to die. yet you still look me in the eyes and say that its just gonna happen? you arent even gonna try to pull away?

no. no child should feel that way. but i did. i felt that way. i was verbalising such issues when i was 8-10. should i kms? should i? because that seems to be the solution for your own problem.

how can you continue to 'care' about me but continue to plan your own death? you dont care. you dont love me. you are playing with me at this point. you are stringing me along. this isnt fair.

you prod at my empathy. teasing remarks that do bother me. dont you understand? no one understands. when i try to express my hyperempathy, i am told i am too sensitive, teased for being soft, it drains me. when i do my best to shut that part out, ignore it, im mean, blunt, rude and many more.

dont speak to me with such a condescending tone. do not look down at me. i am sick of being looked down upon. i know i am not better than you, probably not even an equal. but you all make me feel so fucking small. like a pest.

i dont understand. i cant trust anyones words. its infuriating. i tell people to trust my words. i dont do insincerity, and yet they always try to look for a deeper meaning. i try to follow my own advice but fhen it bites me in the ass because now theyre upset at me for not noticing i upset them? i asked if they were mad, they said they were fine. i trusted that, i had already made it abundantly clear that i trust what you say, that i dont push 'no means no' so how fucking stupid can you be to get angry when i dont push? and what am i meant to do? tell them? tell the person i love that sometimes they make me cry? not because of their actions directly, but because i beat myself up over tiny interactions that they probably dont even think about?

everything is too much and not enough.

i have to make plans for my birthday all while knowing shes gonna khs.

i have to see my support workers

i have to be patient for my little brother.

i have to regulate myself

i have to be helpful for my mum.

i have to remember things about other people

i have to read social cues

i have to feel for other people.

i have to. otherwise i feel so awful. i feel like i killed their family, send a photo to the new york times, with the caption 'go fuck yourselves'. i feel like i want to throw up my internal organs and clean them with bleach before putting them back.

but im tired

i am sick of being kind

i am sick of being understanding

i am sick of making ezcuses

i am sick of being empathetic.

i dont want to hurt anyone, but i just dont understand anyone. i end up just panicking.

i cant help you. ok?

im sorry. i just really cant. im not gonna talk you off the metaphorical ledge. i am trying, but when its too late. dont call me, yeah? i dont want that. dont leave me shit, dont write me anything. just let my memory of you fade. i 'wasnt meant to know'? yeah, and how was that gonna work? you think i'm a toddler with no object permanence? that once you died i would just completely forget? 'i wouldve found out eventually' and you say that you know but you wont have to deal with it? that hurt. im fighting everything in me thats telling me to run. to put some distance in place. i suppose i just couldnt give enough. maybe if i were more confident, more dominant, more something, i couldve helped. but i cant. every suggestion is shut down. or the reply is "sometimes its not that simple".

you are content with this end. i dont have the strength the convince you not to go. i said that i could change your mind. thay was a lie. i cant. i cant even try. i dont even lnow why i am still alive. you have a plan, a way of going. and you genuinely sont want to live. nothing i brang up changed your mind.

M. you are going to ruin me. i hope i never get this attached to someone ever again.

[guiltriddencorpse]

finding out wasnt easy.

convincing her not to do anything wasnt any better.

the hardest part is going to bed wondering if there will be a day where i will have to watch her body be laid in the ground.

theyre the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love them, i would do anything for them.

all those who have hurt them are imbeciles and deserve to rot.

she isnt perfect, she has flaws and i love every part of her.

i could never say that to her face. god no.

far too vulnerable.

however, i fear the day that i will look back and wish i was able to speak.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i must be doing something wrong.

i just wish i knew what it is, and how i could fix it

[guiltriddencorpse]

everyone knows something i don't. i am sure of it.

i just don't have the faintest clue what it is.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i loathe everything about myself.

im (hyperbolic) permanently stuck as a 4yo. unable to handle change, shitty emotional regulation, ridiculous arguments over nothing, petty, stubborn, refusing to listen to logical thinking. i cant even take care of myself. i never remember to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, shower, brush my teeth, change my clothes. its humiliating.

im a coward. scared of trying a coping mechanism because when it doesnt work, i will be to blame. scared to be open with someone because what if they leave. scared to talk to someone because what if i get attached. scared of establishing any sort of relationship because when i fuck up, i wont be able to stop thinking about it.

i just want everyone to leave. let me self destruct. let me ruin everything. interference isnt going to make a difference, you are just prolonging the inevitable. let it happen. im not evil, but im not someone worth your energy. no matter how much work you put into me, i will never be what you want, i will never be anything more than what i am. you are wasting your time, energy, patience, money, your everything on me.

im too cowardly to even properly self destruct, instead i keep doing minor damage. enough that its noticeable but not enough that people leave. i hate hurting people. i wish i didnt care.

thats a pretty cruel thought to have, isnt it?

i know. i wish i didnt care. i wish i didnt care about what i say, what i do, and how it affects others. i wish i didnt care about my relationships. i wish i didnt care about other peoples struggles. i wish i didnt care. i dont want to. i dont want to care at all. i wish i could just ignore the screaming in my head that occurs everytime i interact with someone. the voice screaming about how im making them uncomfortable, making them angry, i said something that made them sad, that i just ruined everything and now i have to fix it. i wish i could ignore the voice that ignores whatever reassurance im given, theyre just lying because its the polite thing to do. you shouldnt have to be told, you should be able to read their body language. and yet i cant.

why do i have all these feelings when i cant do anything about them? instead i am stuck in a never ending cycle of guilt

[guiltriddencorpse]

listening to others have fun. watching friend groups laugh and chatter. i have tried to join in, but i without fail will always fuck it up. i lose my temper, say something i shouldn't have, make the conversation awkward, make someone angry or upset.

if i don't cut everyone off now then it'll just keep repeating. i'm simply ending my shitty relationship cycle. i just wish i wasn't so dependant on the people around me.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i just want to ruin everything. push everyone away.

i cant stand having people close to me, i always end up hurting them.

i'm not a good person. its a selfish desire.

i hate how my actions and behaviour makes me feel and i cant stop it. i cant control myself. instead i'll limit the situations in which i could hurt someone, in which i could lose control and be an awful person.

[guiltriddencorpse]

when i am not anyones first choice i am dejected

yet when i am someones first choice, i self-sabotage.

what is it that i want?

i want to be loved, but can't handle being loved.

i want someone to care but i push people away.

i simply cause my own issues. i am choosing this. this is my fault.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i am just like my father.

i've always been compared to him so i don't know why i am so surprised.

[guiltriddencorpse]

can you not hear me? am i just that offputting?

[guiltriddencorpse]

rejection makes me want to tear myself apart,

perceived rejection makes me feel so sensitive and hurt, i wish i could curl into a ball and never interact with anyone ever again.

[guiltriddencorpse]

i dont think anyone even hears me at this point.

my voice seems to have become white noise.

i know i get annoying, can be overwhelming, insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish, self-destructive, angry.

shouldnt being self-aware make this hurt a little less?