gunnxrs-blog

[gunnxrs-blog]

“I want to. You know I’ve tried so hard to understand I’ve tried so hard but I can’t unless you let me,” he argued, but his tone was anything but argumentative. Of course he wanted to understand, and he would keep reiterating that point to her, because the ball was in her court. If she didn’t tell him, then he could never understand. Gunner sighed, feeling the hurt when she said they were done. Maybe there wasn’t hope to get her back. But Gunner wasn’t one who gave up easily - he may not have the charm or the tact, but he would try. It was all he could do. “Then what can we do? What isn’t done, Talia?” He wondered if she could tell that he wasn’t done. He wondered if she felt at least the slightest bit the same. He just couldn’t tell - reading people was never his strong suit. “I wanted to help you. Of course I didn’t like seeing you so... so not yourself. It hurt, Tal. It hurts knowing you picked someone who just didn’t care.” Because he cared so much, but he thought ending things would just make her happier - that's what was supposed to matter most after all, right? His arm tried to shift the slightest bit closer to her hand, missing, craving that touch he’d lost. Gunner chuckled sadly, his eyes slightly glazed over with tears he couldn’t let through. “We’re a mess. I doubt we could stop being a part of each other’s lives... but, can we at least go back to making it a good part?” He held his breath as he waited for an answer, wondering if that was the greatest thing he’d ever said, or the stupidest.

“I know,” Talia whispered, her heart almost breaking in two as Gunner spoke, a sad look on her face. “I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you but I can’t, you don’t understand, Gunner, and I’m so, so sorry,” Her voice broke; she just wanted to reach out and grab him, hug him… Anything but this. “I regret a lot too, but what’s the point in regretting things now when everything’s done? It’s done, we’re done, and nothing can change that,” She gave him a sad smile, looking into his eyes for once - seeing the sadness that was welling deep inside of them. Did I do that to him? She thought, but soon shook it out of her head, focusing on the here and now. “I’m sorry, Gun, I can’t justify my actions but… When I’m high it feels like you don’t want to be around me, and I get that, I really do - I wouldn’t want to be around me either. Eli doesn’t care, that’s the thing, and that’s the only reason I ever went to him over you.” Talia stepped towards the sad looking blonde, herhand lingering on the sleeve of his arm, tears welling in her eyes but she swallowed back the pain; knowing that this was probably hurting him more than it was her. “I… So do I, I fucking miss you and it sucks; you were such a big part of my life, and now look at us.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Yeah, whatever I say,” he repeated, trying to sound smug, but instead coming off a bit silly as he felt the effects of the high. “Hey, Eli’s not around sensitive wires and shit all day. Plus, he gets more use out of one than I do, anyways,” Gunner argued, taking the blunt back before taking another drag.

“Yeah, yeah.  Whatever you fuckin’ say, Gunner,” Harley teased, blunt immediately placed between her lips.  Two long drags and satisfying releases later, she re-entered the conversation.  “If Eli can manage to survive holdin’ fire power than so can you. Think about it…It’s Eli,” she stated again, jokingly emphasizing the other boys name.  The blunt made its way back to Gunner’s hands just as the edges of her thoughts began to get fuzzy.  

[gunnxrs-blog]

Gunner chuckled nervously, not meaning to have offended. “No... uh, sorry.”

Dakota stepped back, a bit offended. “So…you don’t want any pills?”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Do I even need to? Seems like you know the answer already,” he answered with a chuckle. He would gladly compliment her, but they already had a bit of a banter going, and it was hard for him to stop. “No, we get paid from the same people, remember? Shit, haven’t you heard about being nice?” Gunner joked. “I am completely positive. And I’ll even tell you something in return so you can have some not-too-juicy information on me, too.”

“Stop deflecting, Gunner. Answer the question and stroke my ego.” Though she didn’t need the validation, it didn’t hurt to have a little narcissistic inflation every now and then. If anything, it was therapeutic, it was good for the soul. “You were going to order me pizza? Are you suggesting that I’m unable to afford my own pizza?” Her eyebrows raised, stone faced, blue eyes demanding an answer. “Are you sure? Are you one hundred percent positive that you’re not going to go all Care Bear on me.” 

[gunnxrs-blog]

Realizing Dakota wasn’t as keen as her question was, Gunner raised his eyebrow as a few moments of silence passed, trying to save his skin and keep his secret. He let out a slight chuckle, trying to look a bit confused. “I was kidding... you know that, right? Shit, Dakota, I thought your sarcasm reader was better than that,” he teased.

Dakota raised an eyebrow, slightly surprised, but didn’t comment. She wasn’t one to judge, especially when it came to drugs. “Alright, no problemo.” She bit her bottom lip. “I’m out, text me if anything changes.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Hey, you’re the one who said it wasn’t because of my looks, so you tell me,” he answered a bit smugly. Of course Dillon was gorgeous; it wasn’t hard to notice that upon first glance. She and Talia were very different, and maybe that’s why he was with her - something so different from what he had, and Talia was jealous of it - well, he hoped. He wanted her to feel how he felt with her, though that wasn’t right. “Shit, I don’t know, maybe I was gonna be nice and order you a pizza one day,” Gunner replied defensively. “If you wanna just stick to knowing what the other looks like naked, that’s fine by me.”

“Well then what does that say about me, if I work behind the scenes too?” Dillon challenged. He couldn’t be suggesting that she wasn’t the Glamazon everyone quite frankly knew she was; okay, so she wasn’t beautiful in the way that Talia was. Yet it didn’t mean that she was unattractive, just that the pair were different. Clearly he didn’t have a consistent taste in women. “I don’t see why it matters? Why do you care if I prefer one thing over another or not; it’s all just so redundant. I mean at the end of the day, when I’m thirty I probably won’t even remember your name, and you won’t remember mine. Why care about all of this now? You know that everything is temporary.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

↠task 002: all about the $$$

Gunner wasn’t sure why he was given money, as well, since he doubted anywhere would want to interview the techie of the band. Jam sessions and lyric inspiration made for a much better story than what a bunch of buttons on a switchboard does - at least, he assumed so. But hey, it was incentive to get off his ass and walk it down to the barber’s for once. He didn’t mind his hair being long when he didn’t have to work gigs, but he figured with the tour on the horizon, he shouldn’t have hair in his eyes when one wire was the difference between fixing an amp and ruining the entire set. So, cutting his long locks down to something he could at least push up with a bit of mousse was what he did with the first bit of money, and costing a small portion of the  £350 he’d been given (he didn’t see the point of an expensive hair stylist if he only needed a chop, especially since no blogs would be commenting on how it looked).

Stepping back on the streets with his new hair, Gunner figured it was time for a new suit, even if he wouldn’t get as much use out of it as the others would. Besides, his old suit looked a bit worn, so a new jacket and pants set was fairly in order. A browsing of a local shop and one nice, dark-grey set tried on later, and £150 was traded at the counter for a new bag in his hands. He got new dress shirts and ties all the time, so he denied the offers he was given. With over  £150 remaining, Gunner wasn’t really sure what to do with the rest - his hair was nice, his clothes were nice, and he had just received a new pair of loafers as a gift from his father, so he was at a loss on what to spend the rest on.

Well, with that money being the only money he’d taken out of his account to use, Gunner spent another  £5 on a salad to take back to the house. Sure, it didn’t immediately help his cosmetic appearance, but healthy eating did technically keep him in shape, which made him look better next to the band, right? He didn’t exactly have anything else to spend the money on to immediately help his appearance, so he shrugged as he walked home with his suit and his lunch, figuring the rest would go into the “Get Gunner a New Tablet” fund, which was recently started when he spilled beer on his old one a few days prior. Could he have spent the money on more pills? Probably, but since he just received a bottle, he didn’t think it was necessary to replenish just yet. And after all, the tablet was kind of a necessity, and considering how many designs he created using the device on Photoshop, it would help the band look better in the long run, which was what really mattered when it came to his job. He was saving the money for what was important - they didn’t exactly ask for it back, and he already spent it on what he needed, so he just hoped he was in the clear.

[gunnxrs-blog]

“You know I asked when I thought you weren’t feeling well, but you never told me anything! I fucking tried, Talia. I did. And... you can tell me. I want to be there for you. Fuck, I care about you.” He could feel his breath coming out in a long sigh as he released everything he could. “I want to help you, Talia. I really, really do... I want to understand and I want to be there you just have to let me. I regret a lot,” he confessed, hoping she could assume the breakup was in that. He regretted getting so jealous. He regretted letting her go. He regretted thinking Adderall was a good idea - his hands shook a little sometimes, now, and it was starting to worry him. He hoped she thought it was just nerves as he spoke. “How do you think I felt when you’d ditch me to go off with Eli? My best friend?” his words weren’t accusatory, he just hoped she could see his side of things. His voice was soft when he thought his last chance to fix things was his plea. “Please, just.. don’t hate me. I want to be there for you. I want to help you. I want to salvage something.”

“I’m going through so much shit that you have no clue about Gunner, and if I told you even half of it you’d break down yourself.” She looked away from him, the pain from what happened months earlier resurfacing; and God, it hurt. “I didn’t mean to, Gunner you have to understand I… I…” Talia choked, her eyes wide with panic as the revelation that she was dependent on drugs began to kick in, but she quickly shook the thought back to her head. “I’ve always cared about you, shit, you were the love of my life. I never meant for any of this to happen I’m just fucked up Gunner, absolutely fucked up. And I didn’t mean for any of this to happen you just… You have to understand, it wasn’t me.” She pleaded for him to understand with her eyes, knowing that she couldn’t tell him the main reason for all of this. It would kill him. “And I care about Dillon because it feels like you both fucking rub it in my face and I’m jealous, fuck I’m so fucking jealous you have no idea, fuck.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“I care, Talia, you’re just too fucking blind to see it,” he answered through gritted teeth. Gunner wanted to call her selfish, but he was surprised by her confession, and his face softened. “Do you wanna fucking know why? And why you hurt me? Because you put all of that over me. I’m not some asshole who has to be the number one priority, but when you’re cancelling our plans to get high with Eli, or actually showing up high, then it really fucking hurts. I ended it because you seemed so much more interested in him and what he had to offer. I ended it because it felt like you didn’t care. Thought you’d be happier without me.” The last sentence was mumbled, and he could feel the pain resurfacing. “I didn’t know what you were going thought because you never fucking talked to me!” Gunner exclaimed in frustration. “You never told me anything. Any time I asked, you’d tell me you were fine and go running off to Eli. Why the fuck would I think you wanted anything to do with me at that point?” He was jealous, and it wasn’t just seeing her with Eli. It was seeing her walk away from him no matter how many times he tried to reach out to her. He felt like she denied any help he offered and now she had the audacity to tell him that she needed him then. “And why the fuck do you care so much about Dillon? I told you, it doesn’t mean anything.” 

Talia let out a sharp laugh, shaking her head at the boy. “You cared, Gunner? You really cared? Then why did you leave me? Why did you leave me when… When I…” The blonde almost choked on her words, anger rising in her throat. “I needed you, but you… Why? I needed you Gunner!” She ran a hand through her hair, frustration coursing through her at her exes almost stupidity. He didn’t understand, he could never understand - and that killed Talia. “It doesn’t matter that you’re not in a relationship with her? There’s still something there - something physical… Oh God I don’t even want to think about it if I’m honest.” She let out a short laugh, pressing the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index as she squeezed her eyes shut; all of this bickering was giving her a headache. “How have I hurt you, Gunner? You broke it off with me, why do I have to keep reminding you of this. You have no idea what I was going through at that time and you just… You just made everything worse.” Talia opened her eyes and looked towards him as he apologised; and obviously hurt look playing on his face and she smiled softly, not knowing what to say. “Please, Gun, forget I ever said anything… Whatever I was going to say – I didn’t mean it.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“I haven’t slept in days,” Gunner whined, throwing his arm over his face as he tried to avoid her gaze. “Fuck, I’m not even drunk right now, just let me sleep.”

“–Hey, you’re not about to pass out on me already, are you?” Hopefully not for Cleo herself was far too trashed to be capable of acting like a responsible human being. “That’s weak as fuck, please don’t embarrass yourself.”

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“What, when we’re all crammed in a couple of buses together? No,” he answered sarcastically, but a slight smile lingered. “Uh...” he thought about how hypocritical Eli might think he is, especially when he condemns Eli and Talia about their own usage. “Uh, yeah, sure, if you wouldn’t mind?”

“I know, it’s a crazy plan. Tour is going to be even crazier,” Dakota shuttered. “Yes please. Also, I’m going to pick up some Xanax today. Have any prescriptions you want me to pick up, or does Eli have you covered?”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“I’m not, I swear!” he argued. “It was just not my fuckin’ week,” was his excuse, and it was true - he’d lost his lighter, had the worst hangover from that night, and lost some important design files a few days ago when his laptop crashed (thank god he had pictures on his phone he could copy from). Passing her the blunt, Gunner laughed and shook his head. “I don’t think you want me to have that much fire power on me.”

Harley leaned against the railing of their deck, arms crossed across her chest. “Mhm, and you said you’re not a rookie, yeah?”  Chuckling, she held her hand out for the blunt.  “We haven’t corrupted you enough, mate.  You’re not truly a part of this damn tour until you’ve got at least six spare lighters attached to some part of your fuckin’ body.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Oh, no, they didn’t hire me to be pretty - that’s why I work behind the scenes,” he answered. He was joking, of course - he didn’t think he looked bad at all, but he wasn’t headlining the bands in the first place. “Who said that’s what I wanted to do? Shit, you could have told me your favorite pizza topping and we could have called this a day.” Gunner didn’t need the deep, dark secrets he knew he couldn’t handle. But it was the small things that said a lot about a person, anyways, and he didn’t see the big deal with something so minuscule as her favorite album or the pet she’d like to have.

“Well what did you expect it to be, your dashing good looks?” Dillon laughed, though she considered after that it could have been misunderstood as though she was laughing at him which was rarely the case. The brunette definitely wouldn’t laugh at him to his face, at least. “I don’t do games and all touchy-feely-deep-dark-secrets shit Gunner.” It wasn’t for her; the mere prospect was sickening almost. Who had the time?

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Maybe, if I’m lucky. But, considering everyone else has interviews coming up, I guess I’ll be fixing anything and everything around the place while most people are out,” he shrugged. “Yeah, because my existence is all about entertaining others - oh wait, that’s the band’s job. I can’t right now - I’ll take a break when this is finished and the design is sent out to the manufacturers.”

“Ah, so you’re one of those people who work themselves into exhaustion and then go into a period of slump, and then, maybe, eventually, finally fall into slumber. Yeah? I’ve heard a lot about those that come from your plant,” she nodded, taking the conversation very seriously. “But seriously, Gunner. You’re fine. Your designs are good; not better than ours, but you know,” she teased. “Just.. Take a break. You’re boring me with your lengthy, let’s not forget unhealthy, working habits ! And not to mention, you’re disturbing the aura of the house with your sleeplessness.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

“Oh yeah, that’s why most people keep me around,” he joked. Everyone who worked for the tour got as much merch as they wanted, and Gunner himself was basically drowning in it, from prototypes to discontinued designs to “damaged” returns. “I know it’s not; I didn’t even ask a question,” he answered with a grin. Gunner knew he and Dillon weren’t the closest in any way but intimate, but he was still curious about who she was beneath the snark.

“Free merchandise.” It wasn’t though it was a total lie; she did like free merchandise. Of course, being a roadie, Dillon received it anyway, but the ability to have even a smidgen of a say in what she got to wear was enough of a reason to keep him around. “This isn’t twenty questions, we’re not in high school.” He would have to do a lot more than sleep with her if he wanted to reach that level of friendship, unlock that level of Dillon that was nestled beneath a million walls and six layers of skin. 

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“What do you expect? We’re young and in a giant house. I meant this isn’t high school, not that we’re not children.” An eyebrow raised at her explanation, and his sarcastic tone returned again when he remarked, “Yeah, that was something I definitely needed to hear today. Same design as the last?”

“Please, everyone here acts like children. But, whatever, do whatever the fuck you want to do. Also, order me a new small graphic tee because Harley used mine to wipe her ass the other day. She’s such a man.”

[gunnxrs-blog]

25!

25: (truth) What is the last thing you lied about?

Gunner bit his lip for a moment, trying to think of the last time he’d lied. Well, he wasn’t the most truthful person, but his lies were things he tried to fool himself were thinking were true (mostly, saying he was fine running on little sleep). “Shit, uh,” he muttered, biding himself more time to think. “Oh, I think I told someone the ice cream in the fridge was mine when it was communal - I just knew there was a scoop left and I wanted it for later. Oops,” he shrugged. It wasn’t juicy, certainly, but it was technically the last thing he’d lied about.