guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

They took my certificate of live birth :((

Now I can’t be sure

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

In a turn of luck for the wicked, it seems they’ll be getting some rest this week!

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

My worm could beat up your worm!

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[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

it's kinda sad that slop is such a popular pejorative now. after all it has done to nourish the noble hog

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

Hubistank! Google page, please, Hoobistank!

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

I’m noticing some hostile architecture here in Panic Attack City.

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

The sudden tornado has nothing to do with my talisman, and I’ll thank you to stop suggesting so

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

Call me Benjamin the way buttons confuse me to such an extent that it is almost as though I were aging backwards, causing immense difficulty and confusion to those who care about me.

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

The pond dries up or the river wends forever. Both fates spell my demise.

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

Dining hall offers simples arranged foodwise

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Ohhhh, just you wait until I remember how to threaten people!!!

You’ll be sorry then!

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

“I’ll give you my husband’s phone number-“

Ma’am, I couldn’t even begin to try to care who’s number this is. All I need from you is a string of 10 digits, (7 if you’re feeling stingy) and I genuinely couldn’t care less whether they correspond to you, your husband, or a cute guy you saw at a cafe in France. All I have is a small and vain hope that whoever this number corresponds to is in some way, whether noumenal or phenomenal, physical or ethereal, spacial or temporal, related to this pizza you’re ordering, and maybe that they have a pulse.

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

A man named Fish sold me a bass guitar that is always out of tune

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

Do it crunt?

Uppest D:

[guywhodoesntknowhowbuttonswork]

Me, going insane during the third month of the year:

“Huh, March Madness is wild this year!”