h34rtbr34kk1ng

[h34rtbr34kk1ng]

My break up is literally ruining my job.

I do fetish and adult modeling, amateur porn and I sell sex toys for a living.

My ex broke up with me because my sex drive is higher than his and he called me a rapist and sex addict for wanting to sleep with him and have him help with my online content. I never pressured him into sex, I always accepted no, but apparently me even asking is bad enough to make him not love me anymore.

But he kinda got his wish because now I can't sexually function because every time I try to, him yelling at me just echoes through my brain and makes me feel disgusting, guilty and depressed.

I've always been a very sexual person and he was fine with that for the first three years of our relationship, but then he gained weight over covid and stopped having energy to do literally anything. He just yelled at me and sleeps all day. I've told him that I think he has low T or depression and he just yelled at me that it's my fault because I ruined sex for him by wanting it too often (once or twice a week).

I feel like my entire life was taken away from me. I might as well have been castrated. I'm so depressed and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even masturbate without sobbing and wanting to throw up. I can't do my job. He ruined my entire life.

Edit: not sure how I feel about ace blogs liking this since his excuse for emotionally abusing me like this is that he thinks he's ace now because he has low testosterone and can't get an erection and says that it's my fault because, again, "trying for our youngest child ruined sex for him and made him ace and it's my fault so I deserve to be treated like shit".

Like I know he's probably not really ace but like... Sorry after having someone break doorframes while screaming "I'M ACE NOW, FLIRTING WITH ME IS RAPE!" makes me not want to be around y'all. Especially those of you who are like, "yeah some ace people like sex. You should date us!" While meanwhile everyone on here my ex is listening to is team "all ace people are sex repulsed born again virgins and even asking us to have sex is rape".

Like yeah I wasted years with someone who is currently still using their newfound "asexuality" as their excuse to abuse me and try to ruin my life when really they're dealing with physical and mental health issues they won't take care of. Totally makes me trust the people on here who told him that it's normal to gain 50 pounds and develop erectile dysfunction at 30 and that's a normal part of asexuality and that he shouldn't be tested for low T or get his depression treated, calling it "conversion therapy". Totally makes me trust the group of people who told him that being celibate is better than seeing a psychiatrist, even if it means destroying his relationship and abandoning his kids. I totally trust the multiple factions of "ace" people on Tumblr who can't agree what asexuality even is but they convince people that they're ace and should destroy their relationship and isolate themselves.

Maybe I don't trust the ace community right now. Maybe I think it's not worth being lied to and called a rapist because I'm not ace. Maybe I don't want to interact with ace people right now when the subject is tied to really current trauma. Maybe I blame him being on Tumblr and Reddit for him refusing help and being abusive in general, but maybe I especially blame toxic ace people for even putting the excuses in his head.

[h34rtbr34kk1ng]

Why am I so attached to someone who just doesn't want me anymore?

[h34rtbr34kk1ng]

My ex and I just broke up but we can't afford to live separately yet.

We broke up because of differences in our sex drive. He's been dealing with mental health issues that have made him completely not interested, and I've started testosterone so my drive increased.

He got mad at me every time I'd flirt with him or try to initiate something, thinking I was trying to fix our relationship, and I got resentful of his continued rejection and I got bitter.

We got into a fight where he said a lot of really hurtful shit just to make me upset, and I told him that I wanted to break up and move out, because even though I still love him, I can't deal with him not wanting me and getting mad at me for just wanting our relationship back to how it was during the first 3 years we were together.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't feel wanted.

But why do I still want him?