haeyixing

[haeyixing]

You are the name that lingers in the depths of my heart. I wrote it seven years ago, and I feel it still. There are many people whom one will love in life, and while I will not trade the life that I have now and the person I have now for any thing in the world, I know there’s still a place for you, that much is true. I love the person whom you’ve become today. Life has been hard, but it has softened you, and you’ve grown into such a beautiful human being. I am proud of you, and I am proud of us. We live separate, parallel lives now but we will always have each other in the crevices of our spaces, and what’s wonderful is that we no longer rely on memory, because the goodwill and care that we still show each other will continue to sustain this line of ours. Till we meet again, be well my friend. May we both grow into better versions of ourselves and have more stories to tell, in the next corner.

[haeyixing]

“Your soulmate is not someone that comes into your life peacefully. It is someone who comes to make you question things, who changes your reality, somebody that marks a before and after in your life. It is not the human being everyone has idealized but an ordinary person, who manages to revolutionize your world in a second.”

— Unknown

[haeyixing]

“I’m a soft believer in the wisdom of loving someone in such a way that sets them free because love blossoms in appreciation. Love blossoms when it’s watered with gentleness, tenderness, and care. Love blossoms when it is given the space to be beautiful on its own.”

— Juansen Dizon

[haeyixing]

Hello L. It’s been a long while since I’ve heard someone articulate your name. Tumblr has always been this safe space where I draw my energies , and seek refuge when life gets a little difficult to bear. Today I was with a group of friends and someone uttered your name. It’s been many years since I’ve heard your name, and it’s been many years since I last thought of you in all earnesty rather than in mere passing. You’ve been a digital presence since 2015, but the memories in flesh that I have of you, captured in texts, messages and photographs Still remain. The gate of memories unleashed themselves and I was reminded of our youthful selves and all the things that you’ve done to help me out during those heady undergrad days and how charmed I was by your passion, enthusiasm and sheer drive to excel and succeed. I remember your sleeping face in the room now and the times my heart skipped several beats and reveled in sheer joy of how we became friends, having once been strangers that walked different paths and converged at a single point, as a result of my own volition to take on a class that I never thought I would. Those were the days when I was willing to risk it all, and to follow my instincts and emotions. I wonder where that girl is right now. I think she is always somewhere within me, and I’ve never really left her behind- she’s just watching another version of me grow into the self that I recognize Better now. But she’s always part of me, like how you had been such a significant figure in the tapestry of my life, even if it was only a mere one to two years. The friend told me you’re engaged now, and possibly married, just like me. I got married early this year to a person who has imprinted so much in my life and has been and will continue to be a guiding presence for the rest of my years. I look forward to the life that we are building together and every fiber of my being cherishes what I currently have with him. Just like how every fiber of being also cherishes the memories I have of you and the times we spent, which happened in the days prior to me meeting my husband. I also realised that I have never really thanked you enough for my youthful days and those days of reckless surrender to my passions and dreams. You were my senior, my crush, my idol, and my epiphany. You taught me to be generous and to be kind, and to be gracious to all my juniors and I remember passing your spirit on. It was a beautiful season to have shared the same space with you and worked on the same things. Many seasons have passed since then and my memory of yesteryear is slowly slipping away, despite being held together by those remnants of digital imprints. So I am penning this down should I truly forget one day. In my heart of hearts, I wish you well.It’s a new season for us both, and our paths have diverged since I left that building in the West. Last I heard, you have also moved on too and are thriving elsewhere now. I am uncertain when our paths will converge again, and whether it will even converge again for the rest of this lifetime. Perhaps we won’t ever meet again in this universe, or in other universes out there; perhaps we will, but it’s all left to chance now. Till whenever. Be well, L. 我很感激， 很珍惜我们相处过的时光。在我朦胧不清的岁月，你指点了我很多。谢谢你出现在我的青春里。

[haeyixing]

16-20 July 2018

It’s a wonder to meet people, and to fall in love with their eccentricities and idiosyncrasies. Perhaps we only have one true stab at love, and the rest are variations of love that come and go, but the heart remembers. The heart always remembers, and because life is fleeting, the heart holds the memories tight. Then it puts them down down gently, and goes on. 

[haeyixing]

I know not what the future brings, but I am also very happy to be in the here and now. What will come, will come. 

[haeyixing]

The power of Now can give great peace indeed. To lay old memories to rest, and not to solely think about charging into the future, but to fully appreciate the glory and the beauty of this very present moment

[haeyixing]

This song speaks volumes about what I feel now. The lyrics are irrevocably beautiful and heartwrenching too. 

闭起双眼我最挂念谁　眼晴张开身边竟是谁 感激车站里　尚有月台曾让我们满足到落泪 拥不拥有也会记住谁　快不快乐有天总过去 爱若为了永不失去　谁勉强娱乐过谁 爱若难以放进手里　何不将这双手放进心里

[haeyixing]

For even the stars have said that this is a period of internal reflection and respite, and a time to plan and to recharge. Thank you for coming back in such a form. But for now, the rest of our lives await. If we are truly meant to be in future, I know the Universe will show us signs. Till then, I love you, but be well, and be free. No matter what, you are always loved, GG. Always. That’s what I can promise you. I will love you even if we stay apart. Go forth, and prosper. 

[haeyixing]

Prologue

It’s 22 November again. Thank you for appearing again GG, just when it is darkest before dawn. I will move on now, and so will you. But it is enough to know that you had cherished the memories we had deep within you and you had felt that they were worth the fight too. I don’t know how long the ache will last, but your love comes in letting go, and letting me be free to explore the things I need to do again. Thank you GG. I’m sure we will have our fair share of learning experiences and there will come a day where we will meet again. I love you; and I always will.

[haeyixing]

Telling everyone about the past life test page, on google, for good karma.

[haeyixing]

I relapsed again. There was so, so much pain that I could barely breathe. I wonder if you ever thought of what this would do to me. But I know that deep down the pain is self-inflicted, and you are not responsible for my emotions or my pain. I just wish that you didn’t have to inflict such scars on me, and that things would be different. But I will treat this as a valuable learning experience, and grow from it. I’ll see you down the line someday, and hopefully by then we can learn to laugh, love and smile, knowing that the past was a necessary place to be in, and the pain was also important for us to understand the value of sunshine, and to tide us through our future years. That’s why as much as I had wished to send that hurtful message, I didn’t, as it wasn’t me talking; it was my ego. Only when I’ve fully conquered my ego can I talk to you again. Till then, may peace, love and warmth, always be with you. I miss you and I always will. But you’re free now. And that’s what matters most. Your happiness is my happiness. 

[haeyixing]

Day 37.

GG. 

I still think of you everyday. You creep into the crevices of my mind every now and then, and I miss you with every fibre of my being. But this pain gets tolerable as the days wear on. What keeps me going is that every day apart brings me closer to you again, and I am increasingly aware of the fact that we are all flawed, but beautiful individuals trying to survive in this too big world. I wonder if I ever cross your mind. People say that it doesn’t matter, because we are not together anymore. Yet you’ve been such a big part of me that getting over you isn’t as simple as getting over someone, not when that person has been so instrumental in shaping your life. I love you and everyday, I thank the Universe for having placed you in my life once. Despite everything, I am grateful. I’ll tell you all about my stories when I see you again; I trust you will too. Sending you all my love, to wherever you are. 

[haeyixing]

Curtain call.

A thousand “i miss you”s would never bring you back. Because it is what it is, and life is what it is. So I’m gonna do my best to move on a little more everyday. Perhaps what you said was true; that we both don’t deserve to have the other in our lives. You were my safety, you were my rock. But I will be my own rock and safety for now, until life decides to throw the next person my way again. Perhaps whenever I say I miss you, it’s more often than not in reference to what you represent, and my own projections of who you are, and not who you truly are-- regardless of this, I know it is fruitless to search for the answers now. We don’t need all the answers in life; sometimes there are no answers.

 This journey of life is full of twists and turns, and my dear--if we are really meant to endure this, only to find our way back to each other, so be it. For now, I wish you all the best. Beam bright, and live your life freely. For you deserve to spread your wings, and to really fly. Somewhere in my own corner of this earth, I will clasp my fingers and be happy for you too. I love you. I’m glad I am the first girl to have told you how much I loved you. I always will, GG. In my heart, you will always be there. I’ll visit you from time to time, but I have to live my own life now. Goodbye. 

[haeyixing]

And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have to miss the dance

[haeyixing]

Thank you for your wise words X. If the car is moving, there’s no way you can stop it. It’ll take a Herculean effort to stop the car. But when you do that, what else do you lose? I’ll remember that, and our conversation tonight!

[haeyixing]

Farewell

I miss you terribly. With every bit of my heart. I’m sorry to have hurt you and I wish I could turn back time to make things easier for you. I’m sorry but sorry won’t change your mind; but that’s not the intention. I hope you will find your inner peace. My last gift to you, is to let you go and let you be free, so you can live your life. Even if it is without me, I still wish you well. I will always love you GG. But there are many kinds of love too. I love because you had loved me. So we go on. Take excellent care, and I’ll see you again, somewhere down the line.