hannajakobsen

[hannajakobsen]

for my first

you may not have been my first, but you were the first I've ever truly loved. Your sweet laugh, mesmerising blue eyes and your warm, comforting arms welcoming me home. Initially when I met you I didn't know how important you would eventually become in my life. Now I can't imagine life without you. 4 months of good memories, laughter, silly movies and roadtrips to the coast. Looking up at the stars imagining our futures together, arm in arm, head on your shoulder, innocent love. I cut my wrist and showed you who I was. I let my guard down and gave you my fragile, wounded love. You kissed each scar and told me how beautiful I was. But overnight something changed, I guess what always happens to me: I wanted more, you wanted less. A simple story really. The girl who loved too much, and the boy who was not sure. Now I must move on and let you go. I'm gonna miss you my sweet boy, but it's for the better.

[hannajakobsen]

No contact

From lovers, to friends, and then strangers again. We've been through the entire cycle. Each step bittersweet. Becoming strangers was not an easy choice to make. Cutting you off was like cutting off a part of my body. I don't think you understand the impact you left on my life. Your silly laugh that could brighten my day, your sly smile when you thought of an inappropriate joke you know would make me laugh. The hugs were I couldn't tell where your body started and where my body ended. Your smell that I sometimes in rare moments can still smell on my clothes. I miss you with every fiber of my being. But the problem is, you don't miss me the way that I miss you. I loved you, but you only cared for me. I craved your presence like an addict craves their drugs, but you were fine with going cold turkey. And that is the tragedy of our relationship: I always wanted more, but you were fine with the less. You were quick to move on, and now there's a new girl in your life. While I'm lingering in the past, stuck, not able to move forward reminiscing about the past. I know you have commitment issues, but I hope one day you realize what you missed out on. You missed out on someone who would have loved you, protected you, and guarded your heart. But you didn't guard my heart. You were inconsiderate, gave me false hope, and belittled my feelings. I deserve better, and I know that I deserve better. But my heart still burns for you, and a little part of me hopes one day you will come back. To go back to the days with the endless hugs and where times stops. When it was just you and me against the world. But sometimes good things fall apart, and I have to accept that. You've moved on and I respect that. I wish you well, and hope you think of me fondly every now and then. I hope you will remember me as the girl who will always support you no matter what. My door will always be open to you.

So goodbye my lover, friend and stranger.

[hannajakobsen]

Once again I was a fool. A fool for believing you. I guess I was naive. I ignored all the red flags. All the sweet words were suddenly turned to cold, distant words. So I said my last goodbye to you today. You refused to kiss me in public. Gave other girls attention, and dismissed me as if I was nothing to you. You assured me, that you weren't seeing other people, but I was there on the staircase. I saw you speaking to that one girl, and you took her hand and dragged her away while looking at me. So we're done. But why am I still thinking about you? Because I cared, but you didn't.

[hannajakobsen]

NOT FAIR

It's not fair. The longing stares, the deep late-night conversations, the endless kisses on my forehead. And then nothing? You dismiss me as if I am nothing to you. But I was there last night. I saw the tenderness in your eyes and I felt the unspoken words of our future on your lips. Beautiful woven words meant only for me. Two lovers beneath the moonlight, desperate to be closer. Grabbing hair, fingers entwined, toes curling. But then came the dawn, and somehow in the new light, you became distant and threw me out. Not fair.

[hannajakobsen]

I ran into you today. You looked at me like I was a ghost from the past, now standing in the flesh in front of you. Books in my arms and in a rush. A brief glance and all the memories came rushing back. I hope it stung in your heart seeing me again.

[hannajakobsen]

if he gives you butterflies and makes you anxious, then he’s not the one. if he makes you feel safe and loved, then he’s the one you’ve been waiting for.

[hannajakobsen]

Here I go again: falling in love with the wrong person. Two nights, and you got me all messed up. I can still recall your diamond blue eyes, your golden hair, and your sweet laugh. You told me your deepest secret, and held me close all night. “You’re not like other girls” you assured me. But I was a fool for believing you. I should have known, you were just like the other boys. But why am I still thinking about you?

- girl with attachment issues

[hannajakobsen]

I saw you again last night. It’s been months since I last saw you, but somehow you got me all messed up again. One look into your golden brown eyes and all the memories came rushing back like a tide wave. “Follow me” just said drunkenly, and I followed you like a obedient school girl. You held me close all night and whispered sweep promises to my ear. I finally found my home again. But the next day you were gone, and now I’m wandering the streets homeless waiting for the day you feel the same as I do.

[hannajakobsen]

people will hear your problems, but they never listen. they try to understand your pain, but they never really get it. they ask if you’re okay, but never initiate your company. for a little while, they will be there for you, but in the end, you are the only one who truly understands. and on those sleepless nights at 3 am, you are left alone to deal with your demons.

[hannajakobsen]

goodbye letter for him

dear crush 

here i am writing this goodbye letter to you at 2 am. i can’t even begin to count the minutes and days i’ve spent thinking about you. though i know your pre-occupied with that blonde girl. i am merely a sentence in your life. yet i have filled library’s with thoughts of you. i feel like my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces and i don’t know how to fix it. thinking of you is a poison i drink often. but i have to let you go, because this unrequited love is tearing me apart. this goodbye hurts like hell because i know i have to let you go, but i can’t, because somehow, i’m still waiting for the impossible to happen. 

- love, the girl you didn’t want

[hannajakobsen]

One thing people tend not to tell you is that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel like the world is closing in around you with no way out. It's okay to be angry, afraid and unsure of what you want. 

 Do you want to know what's not okay? When you let all these things stop you from living your life. Many things in this world are designed to drag you down and impede your progression however your true strength will come from your power to carry on. 

To carry on with your middle fingers raised high and a confidence that will make even Mother Nature think twice before raining on your parade. The fact that you are alive today is a reason to be proud of yourself, to realise the pain you feel right in this moment will not be the same further on in your life. 

To stand tall knowing your emotions are trying to drag you down but they will not be your anchor, they will never stop you from being the unique spirit you know you can be. 

When your eyes begin to burn, you need to wipe away the tears and keep your mind occupied; you are loved, you are wanted and you are necessary. Personal acceptance isn't something that happens over night and isn't easy, but it will come in small doses.

 Like medication it will help you recover over time, for some it takes years but it will come. I know there may be people who see you as the sun during the day, lighting up the world but you deserve someone who sees you as the sunrise; the brightest light to break the fading darkness. I only have a few words for you: "you can do this" and "I believe in you". 

Thank you for listening, and remember that just like any moon to a planet, your path is always defined however only you can travel in your orbit. You don’t have to fight the world alone, let people fight along side you for a battle we all struggle to realise is actually winnable.

- author: suicide-formula

[hannajakobsen]

I'm forever regretful of the past and always anxious about the future.

3am

[hannajakobsen]

And all this time, I try to stay afloat. Just like a swan - graceful, smooth sailing above, yet beneath the surface.. I’m desperately treading water. 

[hannajakobsen]

why does it hurt so much? we didn’t even date. you made it perfectly clear, that you weren’t interested in me, and yet, here i am, heart broken and a mess. 

- unrequited love

[hannajakobsen]

i’m convinced that i’ll never find true love. not just the platonic “let’s date because why not”, but the kind of love that takes my breath away. the kind you see in movies and read about in books: the wild, raw passion between two soul mates who belong together. and i know it’s not realistic and i try so hard to distract myself from feeling this way. but on those sleepless nights at 2am, i can’t help but wonder: what if my soul mate is out there waiting for me? 

- feeling lonely at 2am 

[hannajakobsen]

I hate you with every fiber in my being: you used me, told me empty promises, told me how “I was not like other girls”, you emotionally abused me, and I believed you when you told me you loved me. But I should have seen it coming. I ignored every red flag because of my infatuation with you. You had me under your spell, and you knew it. You used me, and you enjoyed it. I hate you, but why do I miss you? I’m unravelling and I know you don’t care. 

I was just another plaything to pass the time with. 

[hannajakobsen]

you broke me completely: you took everything I was proud of and tore it down. you told me empty promises and assured me how I was the love of your life, but then one day, you decided I wasn’t enough.