hanbit-ssi

[hanbit-ssi]

Wonder who still uses tumblr?

[hanbit-ssi]

anyone else feel like they are the support character in their own lives?

[hanbit-ssi]

It's like we all need to think so far ahead in order to live in the moment because our actions now effect our future self.

How do we live in the moment, but also be able to think so far ahead, to know what living in this moment means?

It’s like we have to be thinking ahead in order to be able to live in the now.

[hanbit-ssi]

When I was in high school, all I thought about was getting through to the finish line and graduating. I wasn’t like my friends. I never had a relationship. I didn’t really like anyone in high school, at least not in that way. Honestly, I saw no point to dating in high school.

Sadly now I feel like I missed out on even a chance at a first love.

Am I too afraid? I dont think I'm willing to let someone put down all these barriers I have worked so hard to mmake for myself.

I think the biggest barrier is that I am so independent. I may not live lavishly, but I like to think I live comfortably within my means. I am a workaholic, that actually loves having a place go to. I depend on no one buying me things, I buy them myself when I feel comfortable and ready. However, I feel that it's because I don't want to feel like I owe anyone anything. I get that isnt the point in any relationship, but to me, it would feel like I would owe anyone. I don't expect someone to spoil me with material things, I think the only thing I would want is to be able to give them time and for them to give me the same back.

I just want someone to talk to, have late night conversations, someone to hear all these inner thoughts of mine.

All the dramas I watch paint such unrealistic expectations on how things really are. As much as we dream, not all of us are lucky enough to get those story book happily ever afters in life.

Like Monsta X song someone's someone. I know my someone is out there.

Wherever he is and wherever we meet. I do hope its soon. I am slow and unaware when it comes to these things. I am super inexperienced, so please be patient with me.

I hope to meet you soon.

再见

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[hanbit-ssi]

I always wonder if I ever cross your mind. Was I even someone of worth to remember? Did I leave any impression of myself on you? I like to think that everyone we meet in life no matter where, no matter the circumstance, that we all leave an impression on each other's lives. Even the small encounters matter or have some worth to them.

At the same time I guess I was never worth a second thought or even the initial thought. I always thought I was an open book, but I guess I still am not as open as I should be or even supposed to be. I'm juust not one to say anything until you ask. I never told you my real name either, but who knows you possibly didn't give me yours. So even if we tried to find each other, it would be a useless search with an outcome we weren't expecting nor looking for.

I used to expell this happy vibe, or maybe not just happy, but I was happy and carefree, and I seemed that I had no worries in life, but when I met you, I was going through something I really didn't want to open up about because I was still processing it myself. I think as time passed, I just learned to live with how things are. They weren't something I could control so it wasn't like I was at fault. So eventually I juust learned to live through it.

I'm not even sure that I have accepted it, but back to topic....

Do I cross your mind? Like where you're just thinking randomly, do you spare a thought for me? If I were to be honest, you obviously do cross mine every once in a while, but not in the way you think. When I think about you, I think if I wasnt with you, I would have had the chance with someone who was genuinely interested in me. Before I had feelings for you, I did see him in that light for a bit, but then you came aling and I was interested in you. So I guess him and I had off timing. When you do come across my mind, so does he. Sometimes I wished I wasnt so loyal. However, that isnt in my character. It wasnt 9 years ago and it still isnt today.

Wah... it will almost be a decade. So much time has passed, yet i feel like ive done so little with my life.

We can leave that for another entry. My thoughts and words could go on.

So i will just end it here. I think entries should have typos and mistakes as its just to help you get your emotions out and the typos and mistakes just show the emotion.

拜拜！直到下一次

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[hanbit-ssi]

Wear a mask

Aloha y’all.  Since this is a medium of me getting things off my chest and venting, read if you want but all things said are my opinions alone. 

Keep reading

[hanbit-ssi]

Unpopular Opinion

[hanbit-ssi]

Maybe I only know how to hide in the shadows, therefore no one can find me.

Maybe I haven’t been able to find my own way to shine.

[hanbit-ssi]

[OP-ED] K-idols and Celebrity Relationships

As a fan in general, I think idols and celebrities are as human as the rest of us, and just like the rest of us, they deserve to be happy.

Aloha to you all. To start things off, all things said are my opinions on the matter so please be respectful of mine and I will respect yours.

Personally, I think that it would totally be up to the two people that are in a relationship to decide if they want to be open with their relationship or keep it private. Ultimately it should be whatever makes them both happy. I feel that no one should have to be afraid of letting the world know they are in love. If making their relationship public to their fans is what they want to do, because they don’t want to hide such a happy feeling, they should be able to do so without any backlash or fear of doing so. It’s like being in love and liking someone is such a crime when it isn’t and it shouldn’t be. What’s so wrong with being love? If it’s because they are supposed to be available for only you when they don’t really know you personally, then that is very unrealistic. Yes, how nice would it be for an idol to fall in love or even in like with me, but that can stay in my dreams and that’s a different topic. They have the right to be happy and do what makes them happy. If they find happiness in someone else, then so be it. We just need to move on from that and wish them well.

[hanbit-ssi]

Everyone says, "You have to put yourself out there and meet people" and to be honest I do go out. Sure its for errands, I don't dress up to go out unless it is to some fancy restaurant that I can only afford when i save the money for it. I may not"go out" in the sense everyone means because none of it is my scene. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I really do not see myself having fun at a bar because I don't do either of the two. I know bars serve more than just alcohol, but it really just isn’t my scene which is why I have never really bothered going to one. I’m not really a “go out” type of person as well. I like to spend my time doing whatever it is that I feel doing. I go out if I feel like it.

I wouldn’t say I’m ugly nor would I say I’m beautiful or pretty. I’m pretty average. Just average. Not sure if that means I lack confidence in myself, but I do feel comfortable in my current state.

If there really is someone out there for me, I may seems stand offish and guarded, but I do think I am a nice person. 

[hanbit-ssi]

Can I fall in love like something out of a movie or a drama or even a story? Something that really does have a happily ever after. Even in the movies they have to work for it and I’m willing to, I just haven’t found someone yet. Will this be my year to? Could I even get so,etching out of a fanfic and end up with and idol? I wish I could be that lucky. However I don’t think I fit into anyone’s ideal. I’m too average to be anyone’s ideal.

One can dream and dream I shall.

[hanbit-ssi]

문제는

 The problem with me is that I dont know how to rely on others. If I can get things done myself, I do them for myself. Single as pringle for 26 years of my life, the only romantic-ish relationship was with a boy online that really didnt have time for me. In the end I never really count it as a relationship because nothing was there. We were barely friends. What I thought was, wasnt anything. At most, we were friends maybe. I am not really sure what you thought of me as. I thought I liked you more than a friend but reality was, I just wanted another person to call friend. After the slight bombshell on what I thought i had, I shut myself off to the people around me that I called friend. To this day i dont think they know or bother trying to know what i was going through or at least what was going on in my head. I never let them think otherwise. To them, i was still the same person. I perceived myself as such to not make anyone worry. But deep down my thoughts were dark with no light. I shut them out on the darkness in my life and made them believe there was only light. That I was so fortunate, when really it was the complete opposite. Outside you see a happy-go lucky, the way I usually was. I was good at hiding, at least hiding myself. I’m more of a listener than a share. You could tell me all your problems and worries and I would be someone to listen. It’s hard for me to get the words out. I calculate every move. I don’t know how to let my rationale go out the window and be spontaneous.

I wish someone was willing to spend the time to break down all these walls I seem to shield myself with. I think most give up before really getting anywhere, or he feels I friend zone him and that is where he will always remain.

If you stick around long enough and still try to pursue me romantically, even though I really wouldn’t know it your just being frank with me, maybe we could get there one day. If it’s too long then I’m sorry. I, myself, don’t really know how high and how many of these barriers I have built up. I don’t think I’ve tried looking up and looking over. I try my best to be patient, I would hope you could do the same for me.

If you are out there, anywhere. Please come find me. That girl is waiting for you somewhere for you to find her and love her. Everything about her. Wishing for someone to be patient and try.

Something pure not tainted.

[hanbit-ssi]

I guess I just need someone to write to so I don’t feel like I’m talking to myself.

I put myself in the same situation as I’ve seen many members in my family go through. I got cheated. Sad thing was that I had a feeling you weren’t seeing me exclusively, because the time I made for you made no difference. You never made time for me. At least that’s what it felt like back then. Still not sure if I was the other women and I was helping you cheat someone else, or if it was the other way around. This is why I have so many issues of letting myself be completely vulnerable to someone and let them know everything. I’ve always been unconsciously guarded. I don’t open up about my thoughts and feelings and I really don’t share my family situation.

You even told me that was my fault. At least one of them. I think more than I feel. I don’t let my emotions take over too much and I have always stuck to being rational and thought things through. I’ve always thought of all possible options rather then live in the moment. I do things according to an agenda and plan things out. I really don’t know how to let my guard down because sometimes I forget that I am so guarded. I don’t realize how strong the walls I have put up are until you told me things you wanted to know.

I did try for you. I am not one to divulge things about myself unless people ask. I never found out until I asked, but by then it was too late, we were already over. At that point, there was no point. We couldn’t go back, nor could we start over. If we could go back to at least being friends, I would be happy with that. I think that’s all we can be. I think I confused my feeling for you and I truly only liked you as a friend, but I thought it was more. You were a sweet, kind person. But we were kind of the same and didn’t share much about ourselves to feel anything other than friendship. Besides you liked my best friend, I was really only your friend. I was your source of information of my best friend because you liked her and not me. I don’t really know what you felt about me. I think you were afraid of hurting my feelings that you just said okay. That’s not even liking someone. I would have preferred honesty. My feelings may have been hurt, but I can face rejection fine. I wish you just rejected me. I may have lost a chance at true happiness with someone else, because you thought you were doing the nice things of accepting what I thought of you. You had feeling for my best friend and I was just a way at your attempt to make her jealous, but she didn’t think of you that way. Yeah that sounds harsh, but she was seeing someone when you had feelings for her and her feelings were for someone else. Was what we had, even mean anything to you? We’re we even friends? What were we? Aquaitences? We could try being friends now.

I am just going to continue to vent until I finally let it all out.

[hanbit-ssi]

Do you remember me? Do you try to search for me? Do I ever cross your mind? Every now and then I still think of you. Even though our feelings weren’t mutual and I still don’t truly understand how I really felt about you, I know at least that I cared for you. I think I always will.

I wonder sometimes if I still cross your mind? If I do have you tried searching for me? This account I originally gave up to someone that messaged me. I deleted it and let them have the URL. I think I kept it for so long doing nothing except leaving my ask box open, in hopes you would message me. However you never did. I thought long and hard about giving this URL away, because I didnt want to let go. By giving the URL away and staying away from SNS, I let go. At least let go enough that I accept what has happened is apart of what helps me shape into ideally a better version of myself and let myself grow.

Obviously you still cross my mind at least sometimes. I think that’s why I work so much. It leaves me no room to think. Whether it’s thinking about the past or present or future. I leave myself no room for it other than just to do and get through everything day by day.

I think about my choices and what if I did something differently. There is one thing I think back on a lot. Did you know, one New Years I got a confession, but it wasn’t from you? He was someone I considered a really good friend. I think back on that day a lot and wonder what if I wasn’t with you then and accepted his feelings for me? Would I have been happier then? I was so loyal and true to you, and he understood that, but you weren’t loyal and true to me. So I always wonder, if I should have accepted his feelings and broke things off with you. I wasn't important for you. I don't think I cross your mind because you never really made the time to try and yet I was stupid. Stupidly waiting. However, thank you for always having me wait. I have become a very patient and understanding person because of it.

If I ever cross your mind...

If you ever feel the need to search for me...

If you want to at least try to rebuild this friendship we once had...

Please feel free to contact me. My ask box will always be open (I think it's open, I'll have to check that when I get the chance to). If it's not open then reply to this post.