hannyhannybee

[hannyhannybee]

It's 6am and I've been up for two hours, rolling around my bed anxiously, and now I'm sitting here, anxiously, scrolling through the disgouragingly empty dashboard that only offers two morsels of calm and heaps of stuff like people cooing about amazing and wondrous numbers.

Brother, my man, or woman or gender-neutral, I can't really do maths, even the basic shit's a struggle for me, don't come at me with numbers, I can't cope with anxiety AND maths at the same time!

Fun fact, hey! I don't struggle with maths because I'm totally dumb as I thought for years, I struggle because my brain's more or less comprehend numbers as something with assigned values - which is exactly what numbers, pictures with frimly assigned values. I see the pictures, don't see the values behind, only if I really concetrate and reach behind that picture wall.

Don't come at me with numbers, I will cry. Or get stuck contemplating the shapes of the numbers, it's either or with me. Just absolutely nothing of any use to anybody.

Facts.

And after this nonsense diarrhoea nobody will actually ever read, I'm still anxious, yay!

[hannyhannybee]

If I do someday write Jadder ModernAU, I will make them live in Ostrava, right here where I live, in this very apartment complex(which is such a weird way to say it btw., but housing estate doesn't sound much better. Flat-house should be a word:D Paneláááák, halóóó)

They'd fit right in, we've all sorts here. And not just them two, of course, the whole gang, all living on the same floor. Glorious chaos. The walls are really rather thin here btw.

[hannyhannybee]

I want to share this thing so bad! Want to serve it on a cracked plate, a humble offering, to be told if it's any good or if I'm the only one weeping inside for all the gentle slow ache this man suffers.

I want to share so much but it's not ready, it's not ready! Why does it keep growing, the core point of it dancing away again and again?

Is it going to drag on too long? Is anyone going to be able to even read through it until the end? Am I torturing him and myself for nothing?

I don't know. Do you know?

Anyway, enough drama, Janosh is waiting.

[hannyhannybee]

"He feels old, the creak in his joints no longer something he can easily ignore, the usual distraction gone and rotting somewhere. Hopefully in the ground. More likely chopped up and fed to dogs or burnt to a pile of greasy ashes and brittle bones. His chest aches, and he swears he can hear an echo of a laughter, carefree and rough around the edges, a loud bark of those very same dogs."

I thought I was done hurting him. I honestly don't know what's happening and why. I'm suppossed to be almost done. I'm not. This beast will be over 10k and I don't know how to feel about that.

[hannyhannybee]

This place is so wild.

I'm looking at my dash and it's all: Hansry flowers Hansry random fandom I don't even know Sherlock Holmes Hansry South Park - what the hell really:D Silmarilion! Hansry other Tolkien fandoms Digital Circus for some bizarre reason Hansry! more random elves!

Just. What. Alright.

[hannyhannybee]

Today is a no-sugar coffee day and I'm sad about it but also it's my own decision and I can absolutely keep making myself sad by drinking unsweetened coffee when I actually kinda want a sweet one because I'm and adult and can therefore choose the ways I make my life miserable.

Isn't it wonderful?

[hannyhannybee]

Tumblr keeps showing me photos of cut peonies, and I just can't. Wtf tumblr, why would you do that to me, why tortured flowers?

I don't care about other cut flowers, can't explain why there's a difference, but cut peonies just, nah man, keep that shit to yourself, they should never be cut just for overly big bouquets, just fuck you, man, fuck you.

[hannyhannybee]

I want to write but am cautious.

Am drunk and can feel it. In the way long sentences run away before I read them through.

Do I seem too coherent to be drunk? I bet I do. I'm not.

Is that a fucking music festival outside? Is it that time of the year? Well. Month. No, that sounds wrong. It's just, that one fucking music festival out of three summer music festivals here? The one I abhore because it's actually way too fucking close?

Yeaaah, it is, isn't it. I always forget when that is, and then get angry surprise.

How am I gonna sleep tonight|? What am I gonna do if can't write? I'd get drunker but I finished the wine and only have juice and milk left. What a shame.

[hannyhannybee]

It's currant season.

[hannyhannybee]

Hungarian sausage. Polish sausage.

...I'm easily entertained. (Also, maybe just a teeny tiny bit drunk, shhh.)

[hannyhannybee]

Almost 9k words.

Holy shiitake. I'm feeling a bit drained and emotionally compromised but. We're. Almost. There.

...I'm probably gonna be so disappointed once I set to re-read and edit it, there's literally nothing happening wtf:'D

[hannyhannybee]

"Am I your fate, Janosh?"

We are slowly crawling to the finish line, folks, I can see it in the distance!

Janosh is shooketh!

[hannyhannybee]

Oh, the dilemma of using the Czech version, the Polish version, or the German version of a name of a very insignificant village of maybe 10-15 residents at that particular time.

It's important!

...it's not.

[hannyhannybee]

My mum's truly something else.

Two days ago, she pops around, bringing me more polish cheese and sausages.

Today - she bought me a panini/contact grill becuase I meantioned I'd like to get one some day because pan-fried zucchini is not the same as grilled zucchini. "For her birthday" Yes. Her birthday. I can't even.

[hannyhannybee]

Janosh is not pervasively sad anymore. I think he's just about ready to be shocked. Let's push him closer to Ostrava, finally.

[hannyhannybee]

I think this is a two cakes situation, friend. Many people have written Hansry fic , but only you can write your Hansry fic!

Nice, but not this time. The drive's just not there. I know I can write about them, I just don't feel like doing it>_<

Unless it's in a sidepair capacity, I'm more than willing to write them in the background. Hansry can be the vanilla frosting on my Jadder spice cake.

[hannyhannybee]

i feel you on not being able to write hansry. such a good fucking ship but what else is there to say, that the canon games didn't, that 1.4k other fics haven't? having a blast reading other people's ideas though!

Cheers:) It's not necessary that I have nothing to tell about them, just to be clear, I absolutely do, but it's just not enough for a spotlight. Or, well, I could spew thousands of words of lyrical nonsense and pseudo-religious symbolism and whatnot, I could, but others have done it better already, and are still doing it, and I just don't have the itch to do it my way.

WH did an absolute marvel of a job writing their story, the dialogues are so very lovely, and while there's still a lot of space to continue or fill up, I'm just not the person to do it, mostly because, well, somehow they've become a sidepair for me:D

Two heavily traumatized pretty pookies sidelined by an old married couple of dumbos trading insults like kisses:D