happilydeafeningdefendor - Tumblr blog

[happilydeafeningdefendor]

Male Nude in the Studio of Bonnat, Laurits Regner Tuxen

[happilydeafeningdefendor]

Let’s be real, fuck holidays and fuck winter. Nothing like 24/7 darkness and some alone time in your “hometown” to make you feel great.

So I’ve made it to 6 weeks, and I gotta be real, every single week feels like such a goddamn victory. Every time I want to reach out, which feels like more and more these days, I just check that little number and say, fuck can I make it one more. And so far I have. And I am praying with every ounce of my being I can make it til I move and leave this place forever and then I won’t have to make a choice every day to not see him. I think I’m starting to forget his face and voice and I am so thankful for that.

One of the worst parts has been that I can’t even move on yet, because every time I meet a new guy, I’m just comparing them to him even though I’m not trying to. And every time they show they’re not him, I just get… disappointed, I don’t even know. Shit sucks.

You know, I *truly* wish I never met this guy. I’ve never said that about anyone else. But just, the amount of pain in such a short period of time is unmatched. The timing and how disruptive it’s been to my life and then all the personal insecurities this whole shitshow has revealed are a lot to deal with.

Thank god, really, that the worst didn’t happen and I found validation from other people. I found just enough from the right group of people to keep me going, but just by the tiniest margin. And I’ve had so much support and so many good people making sure I keep going. But goddam.

Man, if somehow you ever found this (which I tried to make sure that’s impossible but who knows), all I gotta say is I hope you’re happy, I really do, but fuck. I just wish we never met.

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Ain’t even 4 weeks since I was begging some man to fuck me and now the men are out here calling me daddy.

How the turn tables.

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I thought 3 weeks was a long time to get over shit, but I just saw someone still going through it after 8 months, like - oh hell no y’all, we can’t be doing that.

That’s like a whole ass year of being sad. We can’t afford that.

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October is over and I got zero dick this month? Ri.dic.u.lous

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You invaded my dreams last night.

Or, not really you. My imaginary version of you. Soon enough, I won’t know the real you anymore.

Letting the distance grow and forcing myself to let go of all those little things that remind me of you.

Of all the faces and names and places I’ve seen and met and been to and couldn’t remember, I’m sitting here forcing myself to forget all those details of your life you spent hours telling me.

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I guess rebounding twice in 3 months means I’m back in my top era

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I am trying so hard to let go.

The moments between me feeling like absolute shit are getting longer.

But your last words to me, telling me this was goodbye “for now,” that’s like a barbed hook tearing its way through my heart while I try to pull it out.

I have to let go. But the harder I try, the more it hurts.

You are such a fucker. This pain is turning to anger as it grows old and spoils.

I hate you. I hate what I let you do to me. I hate that you are shameless and guilt free and happy and left me damaged and you don’t give a fuck.

I hate that you will never have to see this side of me and see the hurt you caused. I hate that all you will ever see is the fake smile I post for the world to believe I am happy and successful.

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Fuck it, gonna start drawing nudes. But like, artful, censored nudes because I'm not trying to get banned. Yet.

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Day 36: He found the perfect nap spot

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sometimes i think i let myself get hurt on purpose, just so someone else can kiss it better

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I needed this for scientific purposes.

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Hey. Stop trying to be a slut please. It's giving mixed signals.

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self portrait no 4

Out of sight, out of mind isn't working.

Feels like out of sight but I can't get you out of my mind. I wish I could...

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@shanshankuo.

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some oc crops from my adult twitter :)

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Sergey Sovkov

Blaue Tauben