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A Certain Hunger (8/?)

Chapter 7 ✿ Chapter 9

Summary: It is a never-ending night for the reader. She is in the eye of the storm of the drama going on in the wilderness, and fully succumbs to the sexual tension of it all. The adult reader is having a shattering night of confrontation and religious guilt.

Pairing: Surviving!Poly! Yellowjackets x reader (slow burn)

Warnings: HORNYYY, Wilderness Sexual tensions at an ALL TIME HIGH, Angst, manipulative reader, Making out, groping, readers being a little bit of a hoe, Weapionized religion (not from our girls don't worry), Alcohol/drug use, Homophobia, Gore, Tree Lady strikes again, Ghost Jackie, Heartbroken Jackie, Canon moved a little where Jackie reads the dairy before people leave instead of the night of, Thigh riding, almost fingering, and talks of mental illness.

Notes: Another headcanon chapter on the night before Taissa and the others leave to try to find rescue. I moved some canon events to make sense for the reader to know some infortmation but I think it makes sense! I love this show and I hope it gets renewed!

Word count: 16.3k UNEDITED

❀ A03 ❀ wattpad ❀ spotify playlist ❀

‘96

“Javi, come over here.” You say as you sit on the porch alongside Mari and Laura Lee. We anxiously sewed another layer of fabric onto Javi’s and Travis’s socks. Natalie gave you some old shirts she found in the plane and some old, stained ones of the boys, but you and Laura Lee have been making as many clothes as possible. Mari started sewing with the two of you this weekend to mend all the holes in her clothes, which made everyone go through their hole-ridden clothes and add it to her pile.

The quiet boy comes over to you obediently and smiles. He looks on at your handiwork with awe. “Are they warmer now? What if I sweat too much?”

You chuckle and shake your head, “Little dude, you can take your shoes off, you know. Just-”

“Just keep your feet dry, I know, (y/n).” Javi rolled his eyes playfully as he put the socks on his feet beside you. You shake your head as you feel for a moment like your father, who drilled it into you to keep your feet dry and always mend clothes to keep them dry, and now you become the one to drill those things into the others.

Laura Lee says, keeping her eyes on her hands as she continues to thread, “Javi, you should give Travis his socks.”

You smile as you feel her getting softly annoyed at the presence of the boy in her focused crafting. You say as you shoot a look to the pair behind you, “Yeah, here, you go, Javi.”

Javi lingers around the three of you in silence as he holds the socks awkwardly until he puts them in his khaki shorts.

“Aren’t you cold in those?” You ask him with a little smirk, pointing your needle at his pants..

“Yeah, don’t boys' balls shrivel up when they're cold?” Mari added with a snarky mock. She snorted at her joke. You roll your eyes as you cut the thread with Laura Lee’s small sewing kit scissors.

Javi stutters for a moment, and you chuckle, “Ignore her, Javi. I don’t wanna hear about cold balls.”

Javi laughs and quickly leaves, feeling overwhelmingly awkward in his own skin. You felt a soft spot for the youngest among you because he was truly a gentle sweetheart. He felt like your little brother in moments like these, and you couldn’t fully understand how Travis was his older brother.

The comfortable silence comes back to blanket over the three of you as you all sew and sew and sew. There was a quickness to each one of you, and you can recognize why. You all felt cold. You all knew what was creeping up on you. Mari was getting snarkier, Laura Lee had been quieter, and when she spoke, it was usually about the private plane or God. She even baptized Lottie last week. You've been hearing about this from Lottie lately, when you two find time. You were all feeling the buzzing dread hanging over your heads, but you could find comfort with the two friends beside you.

“Oh, my God. Meat. Fuck yeah!” Van stood from her spot by the fireplace as she stared at Travis and Natalie lugging a shedding deer.

Laura Lee snaps up with a praise, “Oh, thank you, Lord!” and walks over to the two carrying the animal with a skip in her step. Mari follows her lead with a big smile. The dread is forgotten at this moment.

You couldn't help but smile as a growl from your stomach turned at your waist. You stand, “Good job, you guys!”

You come over to Natalie and Travis with the crowd that was now circling them. “Whoa. That thing is gnarly.” Van stated as she looked at the meaty antlers on the buck. You say, “It’s shedding season for deer. It’s normal, don’t worry.”

“It’s like Freddy Kruger and Bambi had a baby.” Akiliah mumbles as she comes closer to your side. She grabs your arm, almost like she is shielding herself from the antlers. You stand in front of her and smile at the touch; you don’t respond. Javi does the same on your other side, looking over your shoulder with a twist of disgust on his lip. “I’m not eating that, " he states.

“Guys, relax.” As he comes closer to the group on his crutches, Coach Ben says, “Deer shed their antlers every season. (Y/n) is right; this is normal.” He looks over at the buck with interest. “Shauna, do the honors?”

Shauna nodded her head as she slowly leaned down with her knife. She stabbed into the deer’s stomach and quickly, with disturbing ease, sliced up its navel.

Immediately, a rotten smell fills the camp, permeating the air with a deathly scent. Maggots fell out from inside of the deer, as if it had been dead for weeks inside its own body; its organs were a dark browned red. The fur of the flesh looked greased with illness or hunger, and the smell sent a gag through you as you looked closer.

“Oh-” You sigh as you cover your mouth and nose, trying to keep whatever was left in your hungry stomach down. “Jesus Christ.”

The coach slowly comes closer in disbelief at what he's seeing. Natalie looked like she was going to burst out in tears at the maggots. Shauna grabs the maggots in confusion, and the bugs surround her hand and wriggle on her flesh. She shakes them off with disgust as she starts to gag. Shauna desperately grabs for a rag when you come to her with a rag on a seat around the fireplace, and you move your hand on her shoulder. You feel her swallowing her dry heaves.

“Are you okay?” You ask quickly as Shauna rubs the brown blood off her hand.

“Yeah.” She quickly shoots as she tries to slow her breathing.

“Is that normal, too, Coach?” Jackie snarkily replies as she glares at the man, she was expecting this to happen.

“I’m not crazy,” Lottie says to herself, behind you and beside Laura Lee now. You don’t turn back as you listen to the girls behind you.

“No. You have a gift,” Laura Lee reassured. You glanced at them as she wrapped an arm around Lottie’s waist.

“She’s right. You've seen this before.” You agree quietly to the other girls, with a sadness crashing against you. You wanted to sob as your lip quivered. Hopeless.

Shauna’s pregnant. There is no food. There are no resources. You would never go home if you wait any longer because there hasn’t even been a sign of people trying to find you. No one was going to save you. Everyone was looking to you for guidance in the wilderness, but in this moment, you realize that you have given all you can give, and you can’t will the winter to stay put any longer.

“We cannot keep fucking doing this, you guys,” Taissa stressed, pacing by the fire in an angry restlessness. A sob was ready to escape her lips. “What happens when winter gets here? We fucking starve to death or freeze?”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes without knowing they were forming. Taissa is saying all your worries and anxieties outloud, and you didn’t need to stop her. Javi, Akiliah, Mari, Jackie, and Laura Lee look to you as if expecting you to stop the pessimistic words, but you find yourself at a loss. You look on at Taissa in silent agreement.

“We can’t count on getting rescued anymore.” Taissa agreed as she nodded her head, looking at everyone eyes as she continues, “All of us know that is not going to happen! We have to save us! That’s why I am going to get help. I’m leaving in the morning.” she states with emotions painting her every word, she storms to get inside of the cabin as she adds, “Come with me if you want to get out of this fucking hellhole.”

You wipe the tear from your eye as you look to the others; you meet their scared eyes and feel so much pressure on your shoulders as you say, “Taissa is right. We need to try to just walk out of here. And we will send for help. We—” You stop yourself as you calm your words. You needed to be strong for everyone—for Shauna, the underclassmen, your friends, just all of them. “We need to work together to save ourselves. We can’t just sit down and let ourselves die; we haven’t so far, and we’re not going to now. I am going.”

“No.” Jackie shuts down with a shake of her head, a deep frown on her lips. She crosses her arms and looks away as if you were betraying her. “Nope. Not happening.”

“Are you going?” Javi asks quietly before Shauna speaks over him by accident. “(Y/n), you can’t go,” Shauna says as she stands up and holds your arm. She tries to pull you to look at her, but you can’t allow her to move you.

“I am going.” You look at each of the girls’ eyes as you say, “I know the most about the forest, and it would be the smart move if I went with Taissa.”

“No, because what about us?” Jackie snaps as she moves her arms, looking at you with a frown that is exacerbated and stressed. “You’re just going to leave us in the dark? Who will make the announcements or tell us what we need to do? You just said it’s almost winter. What if we’re left here without you?”

Jackie’s words stab into your heart and let you bleed as you stand tall for all the girls to listen. You feel the power shift that has never happened before with Jackie. Jackie sees you as her leader, not the other way around. You weren’t following her command or bending to her desires anymore. It felt scary. This wasn’t your childhood friendship anymore. This was something new and unexplored.

You take a deep breath and evenly say, “I’ve given all I know to you all.” You look around at everyone's eyes, which are laced with worry and fear for themselves and you, and say, “I am not leaving you helpless. I know you all will be fine for the time being.”

“Jackie’s right, (Y/n), you can’t just leave, no one can do what you do.” Natalie butts in as she looks on at you with soft concerned eyes.

“It's going to be okay because I leave it to you, Nat.” You say it evenly, as you look her in the eyes and communicate something you don’t know. You knew as soon as you saw Natalie that she was the only one out of the girls who was the best fit to be the stand-in leader while you were gone. She knew how to hunt, the lands around the cabin, and the importance of your projects. Her compassion and fairness only added to your reasoning, no matter the tension between you. “You have the most knowledge about wilderness survival besides me. Please make the announcements while I am gone.”

Coach Ben, quiet as he looked to the ground in dissociation, added, “(Y/n), I understand you want to follow Tai, but in your condition, is it a good idea? You passed out in the woods for hours.”

Natalie’s jaw dropped as her eyes widened, surprised that you gave her this responsibility after everything you went through together. You felt Shauna’s hand slip from your arm as she looked down, defeated. She scoffed and walked away from the circle. You tried to suppress your frustration at Shauna leaving, but you had to continue, “No one is stopping me, not even you, Coach,” you said, meeting Coach Ben's gaze. “I know you will handle things while I'm gone and that you will be safe. Safer than just waiting for some fucking miracle we all know isn’t going to happen.”

You now notice the tears you had earlier are still falling down your cheeks, collecting on your chin, as you sniff back snot in your nose. You wipe your cheeks. “I don’t care if I am not going to be okay out there because you guys will be saved.” You choke back. You don’t want to look weak, but you want to be honest. “I would die for you guys.”

“No one is letting you die, (y/n),” Van says as she approaches you with a hand on your arm. Jackie comes forward and hugs you deeply, rubbing your back.

“I don’t plan on it, but I plan on getting us saved.” You cry as the others look on with concern, and the others try to comfort you. You push them off lovingly as you try to sniffle back the tears, “I need to leave to get help, even if I will pass out. I’m sorry I’m crying so much. I don’t like the idea of being away from you all.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Van comforts you as she rubs your back. She looked like she was going to cry.

“I have to go. There is no opinion. I need to at least try for you guys.” You confess as your voice returns to normal. “I can’t live with myself if I don’t try with Taissa tomorrow. I love you guys. I have grown to love everyone here… Even Travis.” You chuckle at the end as everyone laughs at the small joke. Travis has the biggest laugh. Everyone knows Travis gets on your nerves to high heaven, and he even eggs you on to yell at him or slap his chest.

Everyone quiets as they wait for you to speak again, and you feel importance placed on your head like a crown. You breathe and say, “We'll head south for three days, and if we don’t see anything, we'll head back home.” You felt bile come up your throat as you called the cabin your home. But it was. “And then, we will plan for what is to come. And we will survive what we can.”

The second morning announcement ends as you nod your head and are the first to leave the situation. You walk slowly away to the porch where you were before with your all-familiar dread hanging over you. You see Van run off inside the cabin, and Jackie walks to the meat shed to comfort Shauna.. You feel your hand tremble as you pick up the sock you are making. You take a slow, shaky breath in, starting back where you began with the soft fabric.

“Yeah, um, you got a minute?” Natalie comes to you with her hands in her jean pockets. She is as nervous as the sky is blue. She doesn’t look inside your eyes when asked, “What do you mean I am doing the morning announcements? I am not good with people like you.”

You look up at Natalie as you rest your hands, the sock, in your lap. You look at her for the first time in a few days, to be honest, and she looks very ashamed. You don’t know if you care to know what for, but you assumed it was because of how she treated you. As painful as it was for you to stop yourself from being petty or angry, you felt content and okay with what had happened at this moment. It doesn’t matter right now.

“I know you can be cagey, but you’re not bad with people. You just have to listen to yourself and follow through with what you say. It’s not hard, you just kinda help with everything, and if you don’t know, you just let someone else shine.” You reason as you pick your sock back up to sew, “You’re not happy I picked you or something?”

“No! No, I—” she blurts and looks you in the eyes for the first time. “I didn’t think you would pick me, is all.”

“I didn’t either until you spoke, " you chuckle as you look back at the fabric. “But I know it’s the right decision. You are very compassionate when you want to be.”

Natalie stands silently as she looks at you. Now, her hands are out of her pockets, and you see them shaking as she just stands there. She seems stunned by the ending of your sentence.

“I don’t know why you’d think I wouldn’t pick you.” You say with a soft shake of your head, as you keep moving your fingers.

“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me again,” Natalie confessed as she looked back at the ground. She looked back at you, sighing, “I don’t know what I am doing.”

“I didn’t think you wanted to talk to me again.” You retort with a raised eyebrow. You glance behind her shoulder to see if the others were in earshot; they were not. “You gave me the cold shoulder for weeks after.”

Natalie shrugged as she looked at you with almost pleading eyes, like she just wanted you to read her mind instead of her explaining. She says softly, “I didn’t know how to talk to you, I didn’t think you wanted to look me in the eyes again.”

You rolled your eyes as you said, “Dramatic. I would never be like that, and you know that.”

“Well, I never did anything like that before, okay.” She looks around herself, double-checking if anyone could hear. “I don’t even know what came over me and-and I feel like I ruined everything between us.”

You pause for a moment as you think about her words. You don’t even want to unpack the meaning of.

You look at her and ask, “Are we still friends? I don’t want this to stop us from being friends, okay? I trust you, Natalie. Not with my heart but with my life, and that's good enough for me.”

Natalie looked surprised again and a little lost, as if she thought you were more heartbroken than you were. “Yeah-Yeah, we’re still friends.”

You force a smile as you nod, “I am happy with that. No need for all these messy feelings right now, we can work those out later when we’re more ready, okay?” You say that as you look back at your sock, you felt your hands shake with nerves as you continued to thread the needle.

“Okay,” Natalie says with a blank face and a shallow nod. She steps back and goes into the cabin.

You let out a shaky sigh as you continue working to keep your mind off the dread for a moment.

You sigh as you rub your clammy hands on your jeans and try to find the right words. You know Jackie’s not mad at you, because when you were sulking on the porch she sat next to you and told you that you should probably talk to Shauna because she is having a bitch fit. When you asked her why, she scoffed and said, “Do you need me to spell it out? You picked Natalie over her. Shauna is just as skilled as her; she is just not the hunter.”

“She thinks I picked Natalie over her? It wasn’t like that-”

Jackie shook her hand as she leaned on her elbows on the porch, “Don’t worry to much about it, it’s just a bitch fit. You know her. She’ll just sulk around for a bit and get better.”

You sigh softly as your eyebrow raises in concern, a wrinkle forming on your brow as you put down the new sock you were making. You look down at your feet. “Is she really mad at me?”

Jackie looks over to you with a soft smirk, she nudges your shoulder with her own, “You know, we can’t stay mad at you… Or, you know, you’ll cry like a baby like you did when we went to Clueless.”

You gasped and hit her shoulder, “You and Shauna left me in Bath and Body Works! I don’t even remember what we were fighting about, but you left me!”

“You were being a bitch.” Jackie giggled and shrugged her shoulders, as if she found it funny to remember you crying at the mall because you thought your friends hated you. “Hey! I sent Shauna to go get you!”

“Still so mean!” You say playfully as you continue to beat on her shoulder, your lips curling. “Jackie you’re such a dick!”

“I sent her to get you!” She giggled as she watched you stand up from the porch. You hand her your sock with the needle safely stabbed through the top, and you shake your head.

“You’re so wrong, you still don’t see it.” You giggle as you wave away from her, “I’m going to talk to Shauna.”

Jackie snorted as she moved the fabric away from herself. “Good luck!”

You take a deep breath with each step towards the meat shed. You need to prepare for groveling for forgiveness, knowing you will have to do so with Shauna, given your years of friendship. When you round the cabin, you find Shauna cutting into an aged fish to pull out its spine, and she glances behind herself when you approach.

“What are you doing here?” Shauna curtly asks as she continues to cut into the meat. She doesn’t even want to look at you.

“Because I wanted to see you.” You say easily when you come beside her, looking at her handiwork and how clean it has become over the summer.

“That shocks me.”

“Why? I always want to see you, " you say softly as you look her over. She holds her composure, acting as if she's unbothered, and says nothing in response. You then look at her face harder, trying to have her look you in the eyes. You touch her shoulder softly to pull her attention.

She dramatically slams the knife into the wooden log, you gasp at the sudden noise, and she snaps her body to face you. She says, “Why are you even here? Clearly, you find Natalie better than me.”

You quickly reason, “I don’t think she’s better than you-”

“Then why did you pick her? I have been working my ass off and I do everything around here just like you, why Natalie fucking Scatorccio.” Shauna spat as her brown eye bore into yours as if she was holding herself back. Her hands curled into tight fists as she took breaths in like an enraged bull.

“I picked her, Shauna,” you say as you put your hands on Shauna’s arms and look into her eyes as softly as you can. “Because you are pregnant. I didn’t want to add to the endless list of stresses on you right now.”

Shauna takes in your words, and her eyebrow furrows, offended.

“Shauna, I don’t want something bad to happen. God forbid, if you had a miscarriage,” You stopped yourself as you moved a loose hair of hers behind her ear, you didn’t want to say it outloud. “I need to get us to safety so you can get an abortion in a clinic with a professional. Or have them if you want, but you need to have a professional, either way, Shauna. And I will be right there for you the whole time. I just can’t put more stress on your body than it already has.”

Shauna's eyes softened at the words as she let herself take your affection; she was melting from her cold rage. You added a lie: “I only picked Natalie because she was the second option. And I know that you will guide the others like you are now. Please, don’t think I didn’t want you as the leader or that I like Natalie more than you.”

Shauna’s lip quirked softly as she looked to the ground, unconvinced but enjoying the praise.

“Shauna, you're my best friend, I would always pick you. But, it’s not the right time.” You concluded as she rested her hands on your shoulders in a loose hug, looking into her brown eyes with almost a plea to be believed. You chuckle, “If it makes you feel any better, Jackie was definitely never going to get picked.”

Shauna laughed as she finally looked into your eyes, and she circled her arms around your waist. She pulls you into a hug and snuggles her nose into your neck.

“Do you hate me still?”

“Debating on it.” Shauna chuckled as she shook her head. She pulls away as she said, “You’re a dick still, but I still love you.”

“Yay!” You cheer as you hug her from behind, making both of you laugh.

After you and Shauna made up, Misty and Krystal came to you, telling you that everyone was going to bathe in the lake together and to go swimming for a bit. You both agree, knowing you both smell more than you can tell anymore, and head inside the cabin.

You and Shauna talk about nothing as you enter the cabin. You see Jackie alone by the attic ladder, as if she were about to go looking for the two of you.

You smile at her before she cuts in the conversation with her fists on her hips, “You’re finally going to tell me what the hell is going on.” Jackie says as she crosses her arms, her pout coming to her agitated face.

You pause as you look at her with a quirked eyebrow, “What?”

Jackie shook her head, annoyed, “No, not you. Shauna. What are you hiding from me? From us? (Y/n), Do you know what Shauna is hiding?”

You felt yourself almost vomit from anxiety inwardly as you kept your face surprised, “What are you talking about? Shauna?” You lie, you turn your face to look at Shauna. She looks at you softly as she looks down. She wasn’t mad that you lied because both of you knew Jackie would be even angrier if you had known before her.

“What? What are you talking about?” Shauna asked. Jackie shook her head unconvinced as she pursed her lips, “Jackie, nothing is going on.”

Jackie’s heart breaks silently as she nods her head, she bites her tongue, “Okay… Liar.”

Shauna rolls her eyes as she turns to walk past Jackie, who hasn’t even looked at you, as she runs to the ladder to stop Shauna. “No! No. You do not get to…” Jackie pleads as she tries to lift the ladder over to the attic. “Oh, my god! Why are these so heavy?”

You quietly lean in the doorway, concerned as you look on at Jackie's struggle, Shauna asks, “Are you done?”

“No! I’m not done!” Jackie yells back. Her temper is boiling over as tears brim in her hazel eyes, “You’re obviously hiding something from me, and it’s making me feel crazy!”

Shauna quiets as she crosses her arms slowly around her waist. You feel yourself looking at her with concern as you look back at Jackie.

“Remember when your parents first separated and you told us your dad wasn’t around as much because he got a new job as the president at Hello Kitty?” Jackie says as she talks with her hands, pointing a finger at Shauna. “That was more convincing than you’re being right now.”

Jackie comes close to Shauna’s face as she glances towards you and back to Shauna, Jackie pleads with her eyes and her wavering voice, “Shauna, I’ve seen you sneaking around and whispering with Taissa. Not to mention you acting all distant and weird for weeks, so… Spill.”

You look at Shauna as if you were expecting her to reveal something, as you try to calm your racing heart. Shauna just looks at Jackie with watery eyes and words dead in her throat.

“Are you really going to keep something from us out here?” Jackie pressed, her eyes almost breaking, and her voice becoming small. “What did I do? When did you want to stop being my best friend?”

You felt yourself want to sob as your lip quivered with Jackie’s, fat tears spilling from your eyes at the pain your best friend has been feeling in silence for weeks.

“I’m pregnant,” Shauna confesses as she looks to the ground. You felt your eyes become buggy as you gasped at her truth.

Jackie’s eyes widen and her jaw drops, “What?”

“Taissa figured it out when she caught me faking my period.”

“I mean…” Jackie says as she looks at you, and your face, stuck in a surprised expression, convinces her enough. “How—how did this happen?”

Shauan looks away and rolls her eyes softly as she jokes, “Well, when a man and a woman-”

“No!” Jackie scoffed, “I mean… You lost your virginity without telling me. W-with who?”

“Uh, Randy.”

“Randy?” Jackie asked in disbelief. She said it as you asked Shauna, “Randy Walsh?”

“Wow. Okay. Uh… okay.” Jackie accepts the reality given to her, “Virginity.” She chuckled as she felt hurt that Shauna didn’t tell her about losing it. Reminding you how angry she would be knowing about you, how shocked she would be to know it was Natalie fucking Scatorccio no less.

Shauna, ashamed, looks away from Jackie to the ground as Jackie nods her head, “Randy. Baby. I have a lot of questions. I mean-”

Jackie shut herself up to send a smile to Laura Lee, who came inside the cabin. You kept your eyes away from the scene to hide the tears.

“Don’t worry.” Jackie reassured as she grabs Shauna’s hands and looks into her eyes compassionately, “We’re going to get through this together.” She whispers as she smiles at Shauna. She melts all the tension in the air as she pulls Shauna into a hug.

You come into the hug like second nature as Jackie gently cups your cheek and wipes away your tears. “Jeez, (y/n)’s still such a crybaby.”

Everyone giggles for a moment as the tensions ease for just a moment.

The three of you found yourselves giggling and sitting on the forest floor, trying to have some privacy to talk about Shauna’s pregnancy. You weren’t talking about sex but about high school, rumors, and funny stories from parties and lunch table chatter that you couldn’t help but let yourself get consumed by.

“Soo…” Jackie smiles as she sits, hugging her knees. She looks at Shauna, waiting for her to spill her guts. “Tell me everything.”

“Yeah, Shauna, what was it like?” You asked as you looked on at the brunette. You push her shoulder playfully as you chuckle, “Was it any good?”

You may have known about Shauna’s pregnancy and the father of the child, but it didn’t mean Shauna told you any more than she had to. She never talked about where it was or when, how it was, or if she liked it. You didn’t dare to ask until now, probably having been freed of holding the secret.

Shauna shrugs her shoulders and looks down at a leaf that she was breaking, “I don’t know, uh… It was just this one time. It hurt a little. It only lasted, like, three minutes.’’

Jackie scoffs a laugh, “Oh, Randy.” She shook her head as she cringed at a thought, “Oh god, I can picture it now. Just- Like his little butt.” Jackie confessed as she pulled her hands out like she was cupping someone’s cheeks. Shauna laughs as she looks down. You laughed hard as you leaned against the log you all sat around, “Oh my god, not Randy ass!” You giggle.

“How big was he?” You asked Shauna with a smirk.

“I don’t know, uh,” Shauna says as she lets go of the leaf to use her hands as a measurement. She puts a space between them, around 4 inches, making everyone laugh more.

“When did this happen?” Jackie asks, looking over at you and sharing a look of confusion. “How could I have possibly missed this?”

“I have a life outside of you, you know.” Shauna retorts with a smile, teasing Jackie.

Which only makes Jackie chuckle and she throws a hand towards you, “You missed it too, right, you didn’t know she wasn’t a virgin.”

“Dude, I am just learning all of this with you.” You giggle at Jackie as the two of you look to Shauna, expecting her to say where.

“Uh, it was the night of Mari’s birthday party. You and Jeff bailed early, remember?” Shauna says, Jackie’s eyes widen with realization as she nods her head, Shauna adds, “And then I had too much Malibu and Milk-”

“Ew.” You say quickly with a shake of your head to the drink, at the same time Jackie says over you, “I told you to stop drinking that. And mostly because it’s disgusting, not because I thought it would lead to the conception of you and Randy Walsh’s love child.”

Shauna softly nodded her head as she said, “Duly noted.”

“Are you sure it was the night of Mari’s birthday party?” Jackie asked as her eyes looked away in thought, “Uh, ‘cause I could have sworn that was the night, I had to go back and give Randy a ride home ‘cause he puked in the pool.”

You laughed as you looked at Jackie, taking her attention for a moment as you lie for Shauna, “Jackie, Randy seems like the person to fuck someone and then puke in a pool.”

Jackie and Shauna chuckled. You then say, “Where did you have it then, Shauna? The pool shed, the bathroom, Mari’s room-” You widen your eyes as a burst of laughter comes from your lips, “Tell me you didn’t on Mari’s bed!”

Jackie rolls back her head in deep laughter, forgetting her train of thought as you planned, and Shauna looked like a deer in the headlights. She knows you are covering for her and helping her make a lie believable to tell. You both read each other's eyes in that moment, and you both knew what you said. We want to stay friends with Jackie; she doesn’t need to know the truth.

“Um, it was in the bathroom. I thought I was going to puke because of the milk, and Randy followed me… I don’t know, it was so fast and I didn’t know what to do, so I thought if I just wiped, you know-”

You cringe beside Jackie, “the jeez?” You say.

“Yeah, I thought if I peed and wiped good, I wouldn’t get pregnant. And, well, we’re here now..” Shauna says as she looks away from both of you, you can tell she was telling the truth in some ways in this moment. You guess Jeff and Shauna fucked that night, and they did it right under both of your noses. It made you feel disgusted by Shauna, but you tried to push that thought away. “We were pretty drunk, I guess. So much for making it special, right?”

“Right.” Jackie and you softly chuckle, unsure how to process the information. You looked over at Jackie, worried, when Shauna looked down. You told her that you were more worried about how she got pregnant. You felt yourself getting emotional again as you saw Jackie come to the same thought you had when you learned of it: fear.

“What are we gonna do, Shauna?” She asks in a now solemn mood, not knowing how much the two of you have talked about this. Not knowing the nights of anxiously whispering plans if something went wrong, or nights of talking Shauna down from a panic attack, or not knowing you promised you would be the one to hold Shauna’s hand if she gave birth, definitely not knowing you were holding Shauna while trying to have an abortion. You felt your body shake with anxiety.

You wanted to cry as you thought about all the lies piling up on Jackie and how betrayed she would be with you. You knew Jackie like the back of your hand; you've known her since kindergarten, and she will be hurt more by you hiding this secret than just having one. But Shauna would have been betrayed if you exposed her pregnancy or the fatherhood; she would never talk to you again.

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue.” Shauna confessed as she was about to cry to Jackie, Jackie puckered her lips and hugged Shauna. You leaned forward and joined in the hug, just like you always did.

“We’ll get through this together. Like always.” Jackie says as she rubs Shauna’s back. You nod your head as you try not to cry.

“I’m going to get help. We’re going to be okay.” You promise Shauna as you rub her back just like Jackie. You just want to keep your best friends, and you want them to be best friends. You refuse for this loving friendship to end, even for rightful reasons. You know you’re an asshole for it, but you couldn’t help but foolishly cling to the idea that everything will work out if you’re all together.

'21

You sit in your kitchen as a stylist circles you with a curler. Ashley, who was about 20ish, was kind enough as she styled your hair. Your publishing house requested that you give the book a "romantic" look because the panel will be livestreamed on a YouTube streaming service, as there are many talks about adapting romance novels into movies right now. You didn't want to pass up the chance to dress up and feel beautiful; you had done this before for your other novels. You sip your coffee as you scroll through your phone. Your publisher, Anderson, is on a call with you to prep for the panel, and Aimee, your assistant, has started sending out tweets from an iPad at the kitchen island.

The scene was a calm chaos and focused energy. You ask, "Okay, so just to ask again, is there a movie deal or what? Because I am hearing some things on Twitter-"

"Oh yeah, just be coy about it, act like you wouldn't be opposed, but you are open to doing one. Especially because you're the only explicitly queer author on the panel, I think it will give you an edge if their basing it on attention."

You smile as Ahsley walks in front of you as she starts to curl your bangs, "Okay, okay, I'll see you at the event. I already want a nap." You joke as you sip your coffee again.

Anderson chuckles on the other end of the phone as he says, "See you at 10, and I'll give you some cards."

You chuckle and say before you hang up, "Thank you."

Ashley smiles at you as she lifts a lock of hair in the air, "You're hair is so beautiful and healthy."

You smile at her again and feel some blush come to your cheeks, and it's been a while since someone complimented you like that, "Oh! Thank you!"

She nods as she continues to work on your hair; it smells of expensive perfume.

Aimee walks beside you with the iPad and asks as she presents a tweet, "Is this good?"

You glance over the post, and you nod your head, "Yes, good job."

Aimee smiles and pauses, putting a hand on your shoulder, "You doing okay? Nervous?"

You shake your head softly, not to disturb the stylist, "I'm doing okay. Nervous always before a panel, but I am not spiraling... yet."

Aimee laughs and rubs your shoulder before she leaves to go back to her chair, "Oh, by the way, happy late birthday. I was away on vacation, and you haven't called me since last April. I completely forgot to call."

You look at her again with a smile, you roll your eyes, "It's so okay, don't worry about it. I'm 43 now, it's not like I threw a birthday party."

Aimee gasps as she gets in the chair, "What? You're not ancient, you can still have a birthday party."

"I know, but I don't have any kids or a spouse, so I kind of just get cake with my dad and get a yummy dinner." You said with a smile, and Ashley paused as she finished the front of your hair. "Honestly, I have had way worse birthdays. I'm grateful for my quiet one. I love when people remember it, though, thank you, Aimee."

Ashley looks at you as she lifts the hair behind your head, gulps a little as she looks at the thick pink scar on your neck, "I don't mean to be rude, but what happened to your neck? I noticed you had scars on your scalp. Did you have a car crash?"

You pause as you glace behind, you felt like the wind as been sucked out of you, "Yeah, pretty much like that. I had a lot of surgeries for my neck."

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Aimee gets up to answer the door for you as you try to catch your breath. You say softly to Ashley, "Make sure it's covered. It's a little distracting."

"I'm sorry, I was only curious. Your hair is so thick it hides everything." She says as she keeps working on your hair. You want to peel your skin off as you feel her fingers run through your hair.

Aimee comes back into the room with a blooming smile, holding a huge, colorful bouquet and a jar of honey. The jar had a note attached with a purple string, and a thick piece of honeycomb was inside. "This was delivered for you! It's so sweet!" Aimee gushed as she placed the items in front of you on the table.

You blink for a moment as you shift in your chair. You felt a cold chill go down your spine as you grabbed the jar of honey. You pulled the note, as if it were the only thing that could soothe the itching in your soul.

Best blessings to your panel and for your good health, babe. Love 🖤

You blink slowly as you put the jar back on the table. You don't even look at the items. You lean back in your chair and drift away from the sounds of Aimee talking; you let Ashley finish her job on your hair. You didn't want to feel like this.

"Who was at the door?"

"Some handsome fellow with a purple outfit. I think he was just a deliverer. He didn't say anything when he handed them to me."

You didn't want to think about it too much. You just take the answer Aimee gives you.

‘96

After everyone came back from the beach, they decided to forage for some food tonight in case people were leaving the next day. You agreed, as it was about 6, and all that everyone had to eat for dinner was two small gray fish, split between 18. Everyone teamed up to look in different areas. The river for berries, the forest by the plane for nuts, and the brook for Labrador Tea leaves and Mushrooms. You decided to go to the brook for some quiet after your intense few hours.

Lottie smiles as she volunteers to come with you. She links her arm with yours while everyone else teams up on their own. Misty looked a little upset when Lottie spoke before her, but she went along with Mari and Akiliah to look for Nuts. Lottie smiles at you as the two of you walk towards the brook. She tells her about another vision or daydream, as she has for weeks now.

Honestly, it was nice to talk about anything other than lulling dread or the needs of the others, just silly things like daydreams and dreams.

She tells you she saw a tree that waved to her, and a bird flew out. She believes it means we will leave soon, as if the wilderness is saying goodbye. You tell her that you think that would be good, but the wilderness is more devious than that.

“What do you mean? The wilderness has been kind to us so far.”

“Yeah, because we have a cabin and it was the summer. We’re not going to think it is so kind in the winter, Lottie. I know I will be bitching the whole time because I didn’t pack for the cold.”

Lottie chuckled and shook her head, “You need to have hope, the wilderness gives me hope. It’s providing for us while people are searching for us.”

You nod your head in thought, becoming quiet as the wind blows in the leaves, making the leaves fall to the ground. “It could be the summer saying goodbye, you know.”

Lottie nodded her head and said, “Maybe, but I have a good feeling about this one.”

You stop as the crisp breeze blows over your face. It's cold and fresh, with a scent of pine. “You are right, though. We’ve done well so far because of how kind it has been. We haven’t even come across a bear or wolf yet, heard them, but they haven’t even come our way.”

“Why’d you do that?” Lottie asks as she stares at you in wonder, scanning over your face.

“What? The animals?”

“No, why did you stop just now?”

“Uh,” You say as you blink for a second, trying to understand her behavior, a little, “I wanted to hear the wilderness.”

“What do you mean?” Lottie asks you as she hangs onto every word that comes from your lips, like it is something important.

“I was talking badly about the wilderness, and I heard the breeze, and it made me think. I knew the wilderness heard me, so I listened to the wilderness. It hasn’t been all bad; it was like reminding me,” you explain, confused why Lottie needed you to explain, a pause, confused why she looked at you so intensely.

“See?” She says as she points at you, stepping closer as she comes to your face, “You hear it, don’t you?”

You step back as you let her come to you, you just look at her and nod. “Yeah, everyone hears the breeze.”

Lottie chuckles as she comes up to your face, kissing your lips unexpectedly. You gasp into the kiss as she cups her hands around your neck, locking you inside the kiss.

You desperately try to pull away from breath, but Lottie surrounds your face to connect her lips. She was obsessed with the feeling. Electricity.

”Lottie!” You gasp as you try to take a breath, and you feel your back pushed to the ground. You fell to the ground with a soft thud, and you looked up at Lottie as she hovered over you. She pants as she looks over at you with lust.

You felt yourself take a deep breath as you were about to speak, but you felt yourself locked in her gaze. You felt tingling in your body and heat building within you as Lottie dropped to her knees towering over you, she asks, “You feel it, don’t you? How free it feels.”

She rubs her hands over your shoulders as she takes a deep breath of you in, her eyes half closed. Lottie runs her hand down your shoulder to your breast, a moan leaves you without you realizing what you were doing, as she rambles, “It feels good out here. No judgments or sins here. No one to tell us it’s wrong just to be and exist as God made us. Just love and want, need. I think that’s what it wants. Something greater than me or you. It wants us to be closer.” She snaps her head up and kisses you as her knee is between your legs, a gasp escapes your lips as you kiss her back.

You lean forward in hunger as your lips smack against hers; you want to taste her. You wanted to know what Lottie’s lips felt like and how it felt to be… desired? Lusted after? Wanted? Needed? It didn’t matter anymore. You just knew you wanted it.

You moaned into Lottie’s lips as she snuggles her body closer into yours, her hands groping your breasts possessively as she kisses your lips. Her top teeth catch your lower lip as she kisses the fatty flesh with a smirk in her kiss, she pulls another soft groan into the air.

She pulls away with dramatic pants as she growls lowly to you, “I want to hear all the sounds you make.”

You pant as you scan your eyes over her face as you say, “Lottie, Touch me-”

A sudden snap of a branch made the pair of you scramble to straighten your clothes and hair; panic rushed through you as you saw a curl of blonde hair bounce closer to the two of you. Misty was walking down the same path, as she was looking at her shoes, you correct yourself as Misty snaps her head up, “Oh! I didn’t see you guys there- I wanted to help look around. Mari is such a drag.” She cheers and animates her face a bit too much for you to believe her.

Lottie’s back was turned to both of you, and you could feel the anger steaming from her. As you came closer to Misty, you said, “Oh! Good! I was wondering when you were going to show up.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you are the best at finding things, Misty.” You say as you try not to let the blush on your cheeks, “You are the best at finding mushrooms; we haven’t had any luck so far.”

Lottie turns and looks at neither of you, and she softly bumps into Misty. She states, “I’m getting lightheaded.”

You just watch as Lottie leaves. Misty scoffs at the shoulder cheek as she looks at Lottie's retreating. You yell to Lottie’s form, “Not cool!”

“Sorry, Misty, you didn’t deserve that; it’s not your fault we can’t find anything.” You say as you look at a defeated Misty. She almost starts to cry as she looks down at the dirt.

“I-I’m sorry! I’m not wanted, I’m sorry!” Misty blurts as she starts to sob. You quickly rub her back as you feel yourself inwardly sigh. You reassure, “No, no, it’s okay! I want you here!”

Misty shivers as she lets out soft, whimpering sobs. She leans into your body, landing on your chest. She says, “I don’t know why I’m so unlovable!”

“Misty, stop, please don’t think that!” You pat her back as you try to hug her back, “You’re not unlovable!”

“Why is everyone so mean to me? I haven’t done anything.” Misty cries as she wipes her eyes, calming down as you comfort her. Almost too quickly in your mind.

“You’re just an easy target, you don’t fight back.” You say as you pull her from your body to look at her, “I don’t get bullied, and I am the fattest in our class, why don’t I get bullied? I fight back. It’s not your fault you're small or quiet, but you make it easy when you don’t hit them back with something to hurt their feelings.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, like, when Mari says something bitchy or anyone, you hit them back with, “At least my pussy doesn’t stink up the room.””

Misty scoffs a laugh as she hits your shoulder, “I can’t say that!”

“Sure, you can. You just need to stand up for yourself, and I promise to make sure they're not on your back. You know, you can come and tell me anything, right?”

Misty nods her head and smiles widely, “Thank you, and yes, I know I can come to you with anything.”

Misty and you collected as many dried Labrador tea leaves from the almost dead bushes, and as many mushrooms as you could find. You and Misty talked and separated to scope the area more. You giggled as you asked, “Okay, so please be honest with me.”

Misty knelt on the ground as she picked up the small mushrooms that were used for Ben’s medicine. She told you they were called Honey Mushrooms and could be used for pain. You were looking for Chanterelles, which were, oddly enough, common in the woods you live in. “Okay, bestie, I’ll always be honest with you.” She smiles as she plucks the fungi from their root.

“What is the deal with Coach Ben?” You asked as you looked around the roots of the trees around you. Trying to see any yellow or orange hues to clue you in to where the mushrooms would be.

Misty blushes deep red as she pushes her glasses up in her signature way, and she shakes her head, “Nothing.”

You giggled as you turned to look at her for a moment, you are acting like you have been friends with her for years in the moment of comfort, “Nothing? Sure, girl, spill.”

Misty sighs as she tries to stop the smile from spreading to her lips. She hides her cheek for a moment as she stands up, “I-i don’t know. I know he wants me back, and I want him more than anything-”

“Whoa, easy killer!” You hold up your palm as you look at her in shock, “What do you mean you know he wants you back?”

“He told me not to tell anyone, but,” She says as she looks at you like you were now in on her dirty secret, “He told me he liked me back but because he’s a teacher and I’m not 18 yet that we have to wait until we are rescued.”

You look at her for a moment in shock as you think about whether this happened and if that was something Coach Ben would ever say to her. You couldn’t make yourself believe that Coach would say that to her unless it were to make her stop her advances. You blink slowly as you nod, “Okay… Okay. But you can’t be seriously going after a 28-year-old? He is such a loser if he was trying to be with a teenager, you know.”

“I know, but he makes me feel special.” Misty smiles softly as she walks a little bit to kneel again to pick more mushrooms. “That’s why I’m getting these for him. I don’t want him to be in pain. I’m stocking everything before we leave tomorrow.”

You turn to her in shock as you ask, “You’re coming with us tomorrow?”

“I’m going with you. You’re my friend, and friends stick together.” Misty states as fact that she looks up to you and smiles.

You smiled back as you felt your heart melt at how sincere she was about you being her friend and needing to make sure you two stuck together. You nodded as you could help but feel loved in this moment by Misty.

After, the two of you walk back to the cabin in good spirits. You felt at ease with the drama going on around you after your needed distraction with Misty. Shauna’s baby and Jackie learning, your lying, the Natalie situation, and the growing situation with Lottie.

As you are walking down the trail, both you and Misty discover a great find. On the oak tree's backside, off the trail, there were three huge Chicken of the Woods on it. The yellowish hue and smell of meat came from it, and you both happily giggled at the find. You and she help each other reach the bracket-like growth that was too high for both of you. You used a stick, and Misty caught the large bulb of the mushroom. It was enough that everyone with the berries and little dried fish would be full tonight for the first time in weeks.

When you and Misty finally had the last mushroom harvested, you heard a sniffling from behind you. You turn yourself around and you see a small lantern in the distance, a soft sobbing going off in the background. You don’t even listen to the excited yapping of Misty as you try to piece together who was there. Something within you told you that you already knew.

You take off your foraging bag and hand it to Misty. You say softly, “Bring it home, and I’ll be right back-”

“Where are you going?” Misty asks, a crinkle in her brow. She didn’t want you to leave yet.

“I have to see what's going on over there, do you hear that?” You ask as you start heading towards the light, “I’ll be right behind you. I can’t wait to eat that!”

Misty almost stands still as she watches you leave. She holds your bag in her fist as she turns in the direction you were heading.

You march into the woods to the sounds of crying, which gets louder and louder as you get closer. You come to find yourself recognizing those cries. You knew who was crying.

“Jackie?” You asked as you circled a tree that hid her from view; a low, sobbing sound was leading you to the back of the tree. Jackie, sitting against the tree, covers her mouth as she is sobbing into her palm, fat tears rolling down her cheeks, a red leather-bound journal lying on her lap. It was Shauna’s journal.

“Jackie? What's wrong?” You ask as you come closer to Jackie, kneeling beside her and touching her shoulder.

Jackie doesn’t speak as she weils into her palm as she leans forward into your arms. She is shivering and shaking, and she could stop her sobbing. You pull her into your arms as you rub her back, and you can’t help but know why she was crying. She knew Jeff was the father of Shauna’s baby. You don’t know if she knows you know, but you need to do whatever you can to save face.

“Jackie, please-”

“I don’t wanna live anymore! I can’t keep going-” Jackie weils hysterically into your chest as she fists the fabric of your flannel, she sobs, “I don’t want to live anymore- why?!”

You couldn’t help but feel tears come to your eyes at her words, at the helplessness and the heartbreak, “Don’t say that! Jackie, what is going on?”

She sobbed harder as she covered her eyes with her shaking palm, her lips curled in an ugly cry. Jackie whimpers out, “Shauna-Shauna is lying to us.”

“What?”

“Shauna is a liar! I knew it! I fucking knew she was hiding more then she said!” She ranted as she became animated, she pulled her hands off her face to grab the journal, she pointed her finger as she sobbed, “Randy’s not the father! Jeff is!”

You widen your eyes that she knows now, and she found out on her own in Shauna’s journal. You don’t know what Shauna said in it or what she said about you knowing, but you know in this moment, you need to keep the lie going.

“What?!”

“Yeah, as i guessed, she fucking lied to you too! You were asking about the Randy thing, and I remembered both her and Jeff-” She sobbed as she crumbled into her hands, “left for a while-oh god!”

You pause as you remember. There was a moment when they were gone for a long time at Mari’s birthday party. When they changed into their swimsuits. Shauna left to go to Mari’s bedroom bathroom, and Jeff went to the basement. You and Jackie sat together and talked and talked, even swam, before the two of them came back. Now that I think about it, Shauna came in just a few minutes before Jeff. And he was quiet the whole night. You wanted to bag. She did it right under both of your noses and neither of you suspected a thing. Shauna could have done that a million times under both of your noses without you noticing, because the two of you trusted Shauna with your whole hearts, and she used it to her advantage. In this moment, you know it isn’t about Jeff or even the cheating; it's the fact that it was Shauna, out of anyone.

“No-”

“Yes, (y/n), Shauna fucked my boyfriend.” Jackie hissed as she slammed the journal closed, as she couldn’t stop the river of tears leaking out of her eyes. You blink a few times before you scooch closer to her and wrap your arms around her shivering form.

“I don’t know what to do.” Jackie sobs into your shoulder as she clings onto your body, “I don’t want to live anymore.”

‘21

You giggle in your hand as the other women on the panel laugh at the joke, the author, Amanda Lister, answers, “I mean, who doesn’t want to have a man who is a supernatural fuckboy?”

“I don’t.” You cut in on the mic, making the room roar with another wave of laughter. You snicker to yourself as you sip on your second coffee of the day. “I think the answer is who doesn’t want to be sucked on by a vampire.”

You felt yourself sigh inwardly with relief at how smoothly the panel was going, the flow of the conversations, and the openness of the other women when they spoke about experiences that inspired their stories. It felt welcoming and kind for you in this moment, and you felt yourself being as much yourself as you can let.

The line of fans was long at one point, but now it only had three people standing, with impatience on their faces, smiles on two, but the one in the middle looked flushed. You mentally noted the middle-aged stout woman, but you smiled at the young woman who now stood at the mic.

“HI! I am Abby, and I am your biggest fan (Mother’s name) Taylor!” The young woman beams with a smile as she makes eye contact with you. She almost shakes as she asks, “Do you have plans for making any movies based on your Mushroom Circle series? Also, the political lore and the fairy world were so well-developed and thought through. Was there any inspiration for your world of Earirdal? I love Mushroom Circle so much and it’s inspired me to write my own Fantasy novel!”

You still have a hard time recognizing when someone uses your Pen name, your mother's name, and Jackie’s last name as your own sometimes. It makes you pause before you can fully process the words the fan said.

You felt a bloom of warmth spread in your chest as a wide grin grew on your lips, “Thank you for the question! Um, I wouldn’t be against it, but I would need a lot of control to make sure they represent the fantasy of Earirdal. My main inspiration was Tolkien and, of course, Game of Thrones for the political underlying to every event.” You ranted as you rubbed your fingers together and you flipped your hair, your neck ached in the back of it, “I love your enithuaim! You’re so adorable, if you ever get published, send it my way!”

Abby glowed with a blush as she nodded her head. She says into the mic before leaving, “Love you!”

“Love you too!” You call back to the fan with a big smile. The stout middle-aged red-faced woman comes to the mic, “I have a question for you too, (Mother’s name)!”

You smile and nod to the woman, “Yes, ma'am?”

“Okay, so, I wanted to ask if you had any influence in your real life on your stories?” The red-faced bullet-chested woman asked with no enthusiasm. She almost asked, as if she wanted to provoke you in some way, narrowing her eyes at you and crossing her arms, standing dominantly. “Blood Oath, Mushroom Circle, and Three Wishes?”

You pause for a moment and smile, you say, “Yes, and no. I would say I have been most inspired by my own romances throughout my life and, you know, fantasies.”

“You said once you were inspired by your teenage years for your stories,” She asks into the mic, and it almost makes you feel cut off. You can tell from the looks on the people in the audience's faces that cringe at her boisterous voice, an almost collective tension building among the middle-aged women. You pause as you narrow your eyes.

“I have?” You asked into the mic as you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. You now notice how the woman didn’t introduce herself, or how unkind she was. It felt like you were in trouble, but you didn’t know how or why. The other panelists were on the edge of their seats at the strange fan interaction. The three other women almost leaned forward to cut in and make the woman leave, but there wasn’t anything too offensive yet to make it acceptable.

You were on edge as the woman bluntly stated, “Didn’t you on Febuary 1998, did you a craniotomy, anterior cervical discectomy and fusion, and facial reconstruction? And, in your first panel for Blood Oath, you said you were heavily inspired to write your novel?”

You felt your heart drop to your stomach at the memory of your medical treatment in ‘98 and ‘99, you felt internally like you were going to cry, but you kept a flippant attitude, “Uh, What ma'am?”

“In your first Q&A, you said your time in the hospital was your biggest inspiration.” She states with almost a drawl to it, you couldn’t place if she's drunk or too self-ratutious.

“Oh, okay, well, I got the idea for a Lesbian Vampire story-”

“I’ll stop you right there-”

“Miss, can you please let her speak?” Amanda Lister asks softly into the mic with almost scathing eyes. She was far from the woman on the microphone and how she was talking to her peer at this moment. “She has the right to answer her question.”

You pause as you look at Amanda and at the woman on the microphone, “I came up with the idea in the hospital because I was there for two years.”

“Well, no!” The woman snaps as she waves her arms out and points them to her flopping buxom chest, her mouth wide open as she demands, “You told me in 2011 that it’s because of your surgeries, and you have proven yourself an immoral person that wants to corrupt others with Satan!”

“Are you completely insane? What in the fuck are you talking about?” Fiona Misture, the author on the other end of the table, snapped into the microphone as the host tried to get security to pull the lady away from it.

You snapped back to the back of your chair in shock, you couldn’t help but gasp at her words out of nowhere, and in this moment, after all the adoring fans, it took you aback with feelings of being an outcast. It felt like the spotlight was solely on you, and the sound of your heartbeat in your neck started to cloud your hearing.“Uh-”

“Uh-” She mocked as she looked at you as she stabs daggers into you, her thin lip quivers, “For your second Blood Oath Novel, did you not write, 'A kiss is the start of cannibalism”? You weren’t inspired by your time as a Yellowjackets survivor as inspiration?”

“How disgusting are you to bring up her trauma like that? She wrote a story about a Vampire and a girl dying of cancer?” Amanda Lister is defending you on your behalf, as she points to the woman. The crowd is now wild, with people yelling at the woman and calling out to the authors on the panel, “Shame on you!”

“Shame on all of you! You are glorifized Pornstars! And, (Y/n) (L/n), Not (Mother’s name) Taylor, is a fucking cannibal and is trying currupt the youth of america! My daughter is now a lesbian because of your books, and you can’t stop it, can you? You ate your friends! YOUR A FUCKING CANNIBAL!”

You're frozen in your seat as the crowd goes into chaos, the woman continuing with her rant. You felt completely at a loss as your worst fear came true, and you were confronted with the truth.

“How fucking disgusting are you?” Fiona Misture yelled at the woman.

A soft giggling behind your ear, you felt your ear flinch at the ghostly Jackie whisper to you, “Who would imagine that?”

You felt a wind of anger come over you as you leaned back to speak to her as security came into the room, “I am not a cannibal. I explained my story during my recovery from my craniotomy, about the yellowjackets, with half my skull attached to my body-”

“You were ordained a medical miracle! God saved you, and you still chose to be evil! You choose to spend homosexuality to the masses-”

“Ma’am, I don’t know what you want me to say?” You snapped at the woman as your eyebrow raised as the others in the room completely came undone with anger, “I was gay, was I saved? I was gay during my time in the wilderness, and I was gay when I was a child. You’re saying god didn’t save me-”

“You took your chance to be saved and wasted it on making this smut!” ‘The woman yells as the two thick men come up behind her and grab onto her shoulders to escort her out of the room.

“Ma’am, I don’t need to defend myself because I’ve already explained 25 years ago what happened to me and my friends! I’ll be praying for you and keep you in my thoughts,” You say as you wrathfully take a breath in.

The crowd cheered happily as the woman was being dragged away from the mic. The middle-aged woman struggled with the officers who were pulling her away from the room. Amenda Lister yells into the crowd, “Get that bitch out here! Karen!”

The crowd then chants “Karen” to the woman as she is being pulled out of the room. People stand from their seats to get a glance at what is happening, and others cringe in their seats as they look at the panel table. The host calls out to settle the crowd, and the poor teenager who had been behind the woman now returns to her seat, pressured to silence herself so as not to cause more chaos.

You wanted to sob as everything you thought was going to happen had now happened, but you kept a calm and nonchalant face as best you could, as there was a mocking giggling behind you.

The distant sounds of people walking and talking at the convention could be heard echoing in the service's private bathroom. After the panel, people were praising you for remaining kind, even though you didn’t feel that way, and the other authors asked about the yellowjackets situation a few too many times. You ran away as soon as you could slip away from your fellow authors, feeling like you had ruined the event by simply being there and feeling like a failure. You sit on the toilet in the private bathroom with your hands covering your face as you heave sobs out of your gut.

No matter what you did, you couldn’t outrun your past.

No matter how far or how much you did. You were always a yellowjacket.

You were always a girl lost in the woods.

You could hear your pitiable sobs and cringe at yourself. You hated yourself in this moment. Your phone vibrates violently yet again with another call from your publisher or your assistant, but you couldn’t bare to look at the phone. You know, there's a clip of you telling the woman off that's already going around BookTok and Twitter because of how hysterical the woman was and how calm you kept yourself.

You were notified of at least 80 tweets before you put your phone on DO NOT DISTURB. You couldn’t pull yourself out of this hopeless spot, you couldn’t stop hearing Jackie’s voice lately, and hearing her earlier only added to your grief in this moment.

You felt your phone vibrate again, and you growled in frustration. You girlishly whine as you pull your phone out of your purse. You see that you have missed a few calls from your publisher, but it was actually Natalie spamming you.

Before you could answer it, she hung up again. She had called you four times now. She sends you a text before you can look away from your bright screen.

Natalie: ANWSER THE DAMN PHONE You: I’m busy rn You: What? Natalie: We got the fucker. Meet me here at 10. Don’t be late. Natalie: We’re going to get this blackmailer even if we have to hunt for answers. You: Got it 👍

Hunt

Your eyes lock onto the single word in the blue text box. You couldn’t help but feel a pale sweat collect on your forehead as you felt yourself almost be pushed inside your body like you were watching real life through glass.

You weren’t here, were you?

You shouldn’t be here.

You felt your eyes staring at your reflection through the black screen. You've seen your crazed face. You see the feral rage inside your tearful eyes as your hands shake with the intensity building inside of you. You could hear your heartbeat in your eardrums.

You slowly move your gaze from your phone to the mirror that faces you in the small bathroom. It covered most of the wall. You slowly stood up from the toilet and walked towards the sink. You turn on the faucet, you don’t care about your makeup in this moment, and you lean forward to splash cold water on your cheeks.

A breeze comes from the bottom of the door and crawls up your ankle.

You felt it before you could look back up. You knew it was with you in the room.

You look back at only ranches and lime-green leaves. A smiling birch tree stands behind you, its curves of a womanly form towering above you from its height. It was almost crouching to fit inside the tiny room with you. The being moved slightly like it rushed inside behind you, the rustling of the leaves, and the sound of small nutlets falling onto the porcelain floor. Before you could open your mouth to scream, the collection of twigs, which you assumed to be the Tree Woman’s hands, rushed in front of your eyes to blind you.

Le sang est toujours dû.

Her hands were really in front of your eyes. It didn’t feel like a hallucination or a moment lost in reality because of stress. The Tree woman who haunted your youth was behind you, wiggling her branches infront of your eyes, almost like she was going to press the wood into your eyesocket.

You snap your eyes closed painfully as your left your horror consume you.

“AHHH!!” You scream as you flail your arms out with balled fists. You wanted it to be away from you, you wanted to hurt it, you wanted it to go away.

You swing wildly into the air in front of you as you crunch your face to keep your eyes closed, and you hysterically sob. You punch out of fear, anything, everything.

Your fist connects with the porcelain sink, the door, the faucet, and finally, the flat surface of the mirror.

You didn’t care.

You kept swinging your mighty fist out of anger until you heard a crack in your knuckle.

You snap your eyes open to the feeling of the rush of warmth coming down your arm to your elbow. Your bloody fist held glass shards and pieces in the cracks in your skin, your fingers were abused and felt hot in your skin—a throbbing pulsing throughout your limb.

The mirror cracked down the middle, with shards still attached to the wall, and a few large pieces lay on the counter by the sink. You felt yourself panting as you were alone in the bathroom again.

You blink at your crimson blood dripping down to the ground, and you quickly reach out for your purse. A present Jackie’s mother gave you after you graduated from college was a Kate Spade scarf that you tied to the handle. You quickly rip the fabric off your leather bag, and you start to pull out the big pieces of glass from your knuckles.

When it was enough for you to tie yourself up, you wrapped the scarf around your wounded hand and quickly tied it tightly on your palm. You will hold your bandage tight with your fingers, and you quickly leave the bathroom.

You needed to go home. You needed to leave before someone called about your screaming or the shuddering of glass; you couldn’t take it. You slip out into the service tunnel of the convention center, the same one you ran away into after the panel, and run out the exit door with reckless abandon.

You felt your blood drip onto the pavement as you stormed towards your car. You wiped away another tear that fell to your cheek. You now realized you had been sobbing the whole time as you rushed past some workers for the event. You hold your head down as you try to hide the tears and your bloody fist inside your pocket, and you rush away to your car.

Once you fling yourself into the driver's seat, you thrust your key into the ignition to leave the parking lot. You pause for a moment as you feel your body become overwhelmed with the pain and emotions you were bottling up in your body.

“Fuck!” You bellow into the metal walls of your car, your hand bleeding down the circular wheel as you grip it in a vise.

Why won’t it leave you alone?

‘96

You lie beside Jackie’s, now sleeping, body as you pet her blonde hair. You have been comforting her all night since she found out. You forced her to eat dinner and to try to sleep, and she softly cried into her pillows without the others noticing. Shauna tried to protest you sleeping downstairs, but you reasoned with her that the others want to spend more time with you until tomorrow. Shauna seems annoyed at you, but you knew she would understand if she had heard Jackie earlier. She would understand why you didn’t want to be next to her after learning the extent of her cheating with Jeff went. So, you went downstairs to sleep next to Jackie for the night, and it seems to be nothing less than a restless night. You kiss her forehead lovingly as you move a hair behind her ear with care, you need to smoke a joint. You felt like a bomb ready to explode. A boiling pot spilling over.

You gently hold Jackie's head up as you lay her heavy head on the pillow, then slide out from under the blankets on the shared bed. You softly tiptoe away from the bed to your purse, hook the strap around your shoulder, and slip out the door as if it were second nature. Your purse was like your lifeline out here anymore. It held your journal, your little crumbles of jerky, your water bottle, and of course, your last pack of cigarettes and your bag of weed.

Since everyone knew you had it, they always asked for a circle, and you would decline and tell them to save it for when we needed it. You shouldn’t have to explain that right now, you were in an emotionally hard place. This place made you feel trapped in your skin more than being marooned in the Canadian Rockies, and in this moment, you felt like smoking a small joint for yourself and journaling all your emotions. Journal a confession—a vomiting of something more than the little in your stomach.

You took your restless self down the trail towards the lake, you wanted to hear the waves and feel the breeze as you relaxed alone. You planted yourself on the sand with little care as you opened the bag and started to roll something.

The night was at the beginning of twilight as the moon lit up the evening. The darkness of the woods had grown normal, not scary, as the weeks marched on with no sign of rescue. The sounds of birds and small animals moving around, crickets loudly mating throughout the night, and lonely cicadas crying against a tree animate the autumn breeze.

You pulled your hair, now longer than you remember, into a claw clip. You put the joint behind your ear as you pull out your journal and pen. You settle yourself against the rock in the sand.

“Hey, what are you doing out there?” Lottie asks as she walks towards you from the trail, her arms crossed at the crisp air outside.

You paused as you softly sighed to yourself, you turned your head to face her and smiled, “Nothing much, just going to write in my journal. You want to sit with me?”

Lottie smiles as she sits next to you without a second thought. She hugs her knees and says, “I saw you leave and I wanted to see you again… I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

You felt yourself blush as you smiled at Lottie. You said, “Honestly, everyone has been talking to me today, and I can’t help but think about you too in the moments between.”

You did. Flashes of what the two of you were doing against the forest floor with her hands groping your breasts and her body connecting with yours in this intense way. It kept creeping into your mind.

Lottie's eyes soften as she looks over at you, a redness coming over her face and collarbone, as she scooches closer, “I have feelings for you. I’ve felt them ever since we kissed the first night in the cabin.”

You look at her with wide eyes as you couldn’t find words. You’ve never heard someone say that to you and mean it so sincerely as she looks back at you with bated breath. You haven’t had an opportunity to talk about your feelings, or even if you wanted to have something serious out in the wilderness, but as you look at her eyes wanting only for you to say the same, you don’t stop your lips. “I feel the same, Lottie.”

Lottie smiles as she moves her hand to your ear, pulling the joint from behind your ear, “What’s this, silly girl?”

You blush at the nickname and smile. You chuckle, “It’s a little joint. Wanna share?”

“You snuck off to smoke a joint? All alone?” Lottie asks as she hands the joint to you to light, and she's excited. You felt flattered by emotions and had never known what it was like for someone to have feelings for you, so you decided to just be yourself out of exhaustion. So, quietly, the two of you smoke on the small joint with small coughs, and the breeze whistles in the leaves.

You pause as you let the smoke leave your lungs; it sounds like breathing to you. Like you blowing out the cloud from your body, the whistling was like the trees breathing with you.

“You feel that too?” Lottie asks as she puts her hand on your arm, her fingers caressing your skin, her eyes bloodshot from the smoke. She leans towards your face as you stay still in your haze. “Yeah.” You say softly as you close your eyes, leaning into her warmth again.

Lottie looks on in wonder as a tingling sensation comes over her, the cold wind traveling up her arms. The goosebumps are a sign to Lottie. The Wilderness approves of you, approves of the two of you in this moment alone. Lottie felt reassured as she came closer to your body.

Her hand snakes from your shoulder down to your breast, she feels the hardened bump from the wind, and she pinches your nipple. Her shift movement left you no time to respond as you felt a wave of pleasure and pain come from your left breast, a gasp left your lips as Lottie crowded your face like she did earlier in the day. She comes into your face and asks, her hot breath hitting your lips, “Do you hear the wilderness, too?”

You yelp as her fingers keep your nipple in its grasp, she extends her hand to groping the whole of your breast. She toys with the nipple as she grips onto the fatty flesh, “Lottie-”

Lottie doesn’t wait until she pulls your nightgown collar down to expose your bra. Her finger traces the seam of lace as she then hooks the fabric down to see the soft flesh that lies beneath. Her breath hitches at the sight of your intimate body as she sinks her head, her lips kissing down your collar to the mound on your chest.

You gasped as you found your hands in Lottie’s brown hair, you looked up into the night sky in a lost haze at why she was touching you the way she was, but you couldn’t help but like it. You liked the way she possessively grabbed onto your body, she claimed your breasts with her being. Lottie leaves wet kisses down your sternum to your breast. She opens her mouth and bites the sensitive flesh. Underneath was a purple mark lying in her wake. Her brown eyes look up to yours, a smirk coming to her lips as she craves more. Her teeth caught the worn fabric of your nightgown, she pulls it completely off your breasts, now exposed to the autumn wind, your nipples harden, and your legs twitch in anticipation. You stare down at her in submission, your posture curled to her body in this moment as you let your legs wrap around her pelvis. A wetness collects in your panties as you feel your hips inadvertently roll against Lottie’s—the hem of the gown rides up your thighs as you feel goosebumps.

Lottie snaps back up to kiss your lips, giggling. You kiss her back with one on yours.

Lottie, out of breath, looks down at your breasts and back to your eyes, “I don’t know how someone could call this a sin, it feels so pure.” She says as she leans down and puts her lips around your nipple finally and started to suck.

Your back arched as you lay down on the sand, you let Lottie come over on top of you as she suckled onto your flesh like it was her lifeline back to reality. You moan into your fist as you try to stay quiet in this intense moment of teeth and flesh, your other hand is wrapped in her dark curls as she moves her attention to your other neglected breast. Your body shakes under the pleasurable touches, the attention and worship Lottie was giving you; you couldn’t help but completely succumb to the want. Her hands roughly hold you down by your waist as her cheeks feel the softness of your breasts. She mumbles lustfully, against your chest, “I see it now. I see what we’re meant to be doing.”.

You moan as you felt her hand travel down your stomach to touch your covered pussy. She feels your heat from your underwear. She can feel how ready you were. You gasp as Lottie pulls back so her face is in yours, “Don’t you feel it? The love that is all around us? What does the love of the wilderness wants us to have? It’ll set us free. No one to stop us, no parents, no fucking pills, nothing to stop us from each other now.” She rants, her eyes intense with lust and greed, she bears her teeth as she smiles, her hands come under the hem of your gown.

Your eyebrow scrunches as you lean your forehead against hers, you're gone in the lust of the moment, even to respond, your hands rubbing her shoulders as she readies herself to enter you with her slender fingers. “I want you, I want to own you solely, if the wilderness allows.” She vows as she studies the little changes of pleasure in your face.

You gasp as you hear her words, you don’t stop yourself as you try to push your hips against her fingers. You wanted her inside of you. You wanted her to claim you. You wanted her to claim you more than Natalie did. You wanted her never to leave you.

“Kiss me.” You demand in response, you pull Lottie by her hair back to your lips. You kiss her harshly as you roll your hips desperately to relieve the overwhelming sensation in your pants. You feel her bite your lower lip as her hands possessively roam along your body. She caresses your sides like she had never felt something so soft before, she leaves the roundness of your hips with tender threading as she starts to pull your underwear down.

Lottie moves her lips down your neck, she kisses down your heart beat as she sucks onto the tender flesh wanting to mark you for herself. You moan openly into the air at the feeling of her lips against your flesh. You only wanted more and more.

Snap!

You gasp as you snap your head towards the woods. You see, in the distance, against a tree, someone is looking on at the two of you together in the sand. You and this person look at each other in the dark, you can’t make out anything other than the silhouette as they turn around and run away into the woods. Panic comes over you as you push Lottie back by her shoulders, “Lottie! Lottie! Get up, Someone was watching!”

Lottie doesn’t react as she kisses down your neck, she licks the sweat off your chin, “It doesn’t matter-”

“They’re going to tell everyone!”

Lottie says in a low whisper, “It doesn’t matter anymore, babe,” as she then sinks her teeth into your neck. She holds you down as you squirm away from her; she doesn’t care; she leaves a dark red mark on the left side of her neck. “It’s as it should have always been.”

You blink at her as you pant, you don’t know what to do. She doesn’t make any sense as she speaks in vague absolutes, as if the two of you in the sand were a part of some greater plan; you just look at her as she caresses the flesh. You felt numb and lost in this moment, “Lottie, they could be telling everyone.”

“Let them. What will they do? Reverse what has already happened?” She says with an almost cheerful chuckle, her eyes sharkle when they look up at yours. Her hands softly caress your sides as she says, “You’re right, though. We should head back before anyone makes a mess of this.”

You nodded, still lost in the moment as you slowly sat up. Your clothes hanging from your body made you realize the situation you were in, and you couldn’t help but feel foolish. You don’t even know what to say, but you knew you had to say, “I’m still leaving tomorrow.”

“Huh?” Lottie asked as she started to straighten out her shirt. She looks at you with a wide eye, “What did you say?”

“I’m still leaving tomorrow to find rescue… I know I have feelings for you, and I know that I still need to go.”

Lottie looks a little hurt, like this was her plan to stop you from going tomorrow, but she covered it up with a forced smile. “I know. I-” She pauses as she stops redressing herself, “I just have a bad feeling.”

“I do too. But, I have a bad feeling about staying too.”

Lottie looks at you for a moment as she moves her hand to caress your cheek, her thumb comforts your soft skin, “I’ll be praying for you. I’ll be here waiting for you, I won’t stop you, but I wanted you to know I cared about you.”

You stared into Lottie’s eyes for a moment as you let yourself feel the comfort of her hand. You lean your cheek into her hand. In the morning, you would be leaving, so you savor this moment. “Okay, thank you… I appreciate that, Lottie. A lot.”

You finally find yourself climbing up the ladder steps to the attic. It felt like it was two in the morning. You decided not to sleep next to Jackie because you didn’t want to wake her, and you didn’t want to sleep next to Lottie because you didn’t want to be convinced to stay in the morning. You wanted to find some rest before the big expedition. You hung your purse on your back as you crept up the attic. You saw Shauna sitting in her makeshift bed, quickly scribbling in her journal. Her shoes were muddy as she rested them off the side of her blankets, her bed shirt wrinkled as she took deep, angry breaths.

Jackie must have put it back without you noticing.

You felt Shauna’s brown eyes bore into your head as you came into the room. She had a scowl resting on her lip with bitterness as she asked, “What are you doing up here?”

“Going to bed, Shauna.” You sighed, bone-weary, as you came to your bed. You could see Shauna in the corner of your eye, just scowling away at you.

“Don’t you want to sleep with Jackie?” Shauna hissed as she kicked your makeshift bed beside her in anger.

You pause and purse your lips in frustration, “What?”

Shauna shot out of bed as she confronted you, her hot breath on your face; you were overwhelmed by the whole event. “You don’t want to be around me, just go away, (y/n).”

“Shauna, I’m so tired, stop it-”

“No! You want to sleep with Natalie, don’t you? You don’t even want to be here before you leave tomorrow, like I don’t even matter!” Shauna hissed in your face as she poked your chest, pushing you back a step with each point. She says to you with fire in her eyes, “Why are you running off with other people? Why aren’t you sleeping here tonight?”

“Shauna, stop! You are spiraling, everyone wanted to see me.” You reasoned as you held your hands out to Shauna, “I’m going tomorrow for you! For your baby, can’t you see that?”

“No, I don’t feel that! You’re just wanting to be everyone’s friend!” Shauna hissed at you as she came closer, now the second person today to get in your space and your face. Shauna grabs your chin as she looks into your eyes, “Where have you been? You weren’t downstairs?”

“I-” You try to speak but found yourself becoming overwhelmed, you held onto her shoulder to hold her back in this moment, “I was at the lake. I was journaling, a lot happened today.”

Shauna hums in response. She doesn’t believe you as she pulls your face to the side and scans over your skin, looking down. She sees on your sternum where the small purple mark Lottie left on your body was. Shauna almost growls as she asks, “Who did this? Huh? Did your journal give you this?”

Shauna points harshly at the lovebite. You couldn’t help but feel a rush of excitement come through you as Shauna grows jealous, as you didn’t come up with any words. You didn’t need to explain yourself. You only panted as Shauna grabbed you harshly on your shoulders, “You want to sleep with Natalie tonight?” she asked again, this time with a dangerous undertone lining the words.

You almost bit your lip as you whispered, “No. I’m okay here.”

You felt your heart beating in your neck as you looked on at Shauna’s angry lip quiver; you knew what she was going to do. You have done this a million times, it felt like.

Shauna grabs you from the back of your neck and pulls you into a hungry kiss, she puts her other hand on your back and to pulls you against her body. Your head was spinning as you leaned into the kiss without control, and you moaned into her lips. Shauna groans as she pulls the hair at the back of your head, as she possessively pulls you to the ground.

Your head was spinning from the lust and longing Lottie has for you, but Shauna’s makes you feel drunk. You liked the feeling of being desired. You loved it when many people desired you, you’ve discovered. Your body feels on fire as Shauna crawls over you, kissing your lips like she owns them.

“No one else is allowed to touch you like this, but me, got it?” She growls as she pulls you into her body, her legs wrap around your thigh on the ground. The sleepovers over the years have been known for this: Shauna or Jackie practicing on each other and you. Both wanted, and you knew from them the truth of your attraction, “(Y/n), Move your leg up.”

Note 2: Le sang est toujours dû means blood is still owed

Taglist: @zhivaxo @h-doodles @homopheli @bigtimesalt8196 @juniperjean @scatorccioz @juniperjean @yaakooi @lottieswebs @juchily @freezinggay @deathly710-blog @ghostoflesbianism @marvelous-wandanatangel @errriiie @anskkks @deathvidal @slutforhotpeople @thursdayygrrrl @day-ziez @evewasheretoday @mayasaurusss @captainbabybear @eleanormall @mommyeater2000 @leonchef @mikititta @tigersarrcool @nyasbae @dykepvppy @jax1118 @oakwave @mmiah @dvrkhcld @swiftin0f @opheliadeservedbetter-27 @psychicdreamwonderland @pinkmoonzzz @under-your-bed-not-in-it @sadsapphic-rose @fictitious-sapphic @gayandfairycore @modernvenuss @livil589 @sifodiesilasca

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happysparklingshadows · 20 days ago

Text

rereading as I am half way into the 8th chapter! I am so excited to see what you all think!

A Certain Hunger (7/?)

Chapter 6 ✿ Chapter 8

Summary: A heartbroken reader is trying to piece her heart back together as best as she can with all the resources she has available. The reader tries to be a good friend as she tries to find meaning in dreams and maybe helps with an abortion. The adult reader is trying to connect with her own ghosts as she tries to get through another brunch.

Pairing: Surviving!Poly! Yellowjackets x reader (slow burn)

Warnings: There is talk of abortion (spoiler: it doesn't happen), another trippy dream sequence, sexual tension, ghost Jackie, heartbroken Reader, Adult Reader lore dropping this chapter, and making Natalie jealous with Lottie is becoming a thing, lol.

Word count: 15.7k

Notes: I hope you guys will forgive me for posting this morning instead of last night. I completely crashed after I got home. This needs another edit, but I hope you enjoy it! Also, please tell me what you think about the outfits at the end of the chapter! We did another Poll to see what will happen after everything with Natalie and this was the outcome!

❀ A03 ❀ wattpad ❀ spotify playlist ❀

‘96

You groan in frustration at the small nut in your hand, which is rotten and has a small hole made from an animal. You throw the chestnut onto the forest floor with a sigh. “It’ll just make us more constipated,” you think as you focus on whatever small nuts could still be on the ground. You didn’t have much hope to forage like everyone else, as things have been getting harder lately. No luck with the hunter, and the fishing season was leaving as September started. You sigh again as you roll your eyes.

“Seriously? How the fuck are there no berry.” Mari grumbles as she stands up from a bush. She pulls her leg up and kicks the branches.

“The birds could be picking them off? Or-or mice?” Akilah tries to reason as she rests her hand to cover her eyes. Everyone was feeling the frustration of hunger.

You sigh softly and say, “We’re not the only animals out here looking for food.”

“I’d eat the crap out of a mouse right now,” Van confesses as she sits on a rock for rest.

“Ew.” “Gross.”

“You know, some animals live off eating their own vomit.” Lottie adds, trying to get the attention away from her best friend.

“Okay. Thanks for the image, Lot.” Van sighs back to Lottie, a whisper of a smirk on her lips in humor.

“Did dead cabin guy tell you that, or do you guys just chat about blood and stuff?” Mari snickered to Lottie as she looked over to the crouching girl.

“No, we mostly talk about how Danny Mears dumped you for his own cousin,” Lottie said with a mocking smile, sending it to Mari as she stood up and walked away.

You couldn’t help the chuckle that left your lips. Your eyes followed Lottie as she walked away toward the fork in the trail, leading towards the field area and the thicker parts of the woods. Mari looked at you and then back to Akilah and Van: “Hey! They’re second cousins. And that’s totally legal, you know.”

You look at Mari with a snicker growing wider on your lips as you say to her in your kind voice, “Stand up, girl. You don’t have to defend your cousin's fucking ex. Danny Mears is fucking weirdo.”

You couldn’t help but giggle as you followed Lottie onto the path, ignoring Mari, who was trying to defend herself again. You felt Van behind you as you approached Lottie, who quickly turned around in fear. Van said before you could speak, “Hey, look, ignore Mari, okay? I don’t think she has taken a shit in, like, two weeks.”

You pause as Van speaks to look over Lottie’s face. She had seen something. You felt it in the way her eyes looked burdened.

“Yeah.” Lottie breathlessly replies.

“Are you okay?” Van asks Lottie quickly as she looks her over as you did a moment ago. Seeing the same thing you did in Lottie. Lottie looks behind herself for a second, and both of your eyes follow hers to see only empty bushes and leaves. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Lottie replies again with a soft smile on her lips. “It’s- it’s fine.”

Van nods her head softly and looks her over a little. “Okay.”

Van accepts what Lottie says to her and returns to the others foraging, but you stay planted in your spot.

You didn’t want to sound crazy, but you couldn’t help but feel the need to say. “It’s okay, you know. I’ve seen and heard crazy stuff out here, too, since we’ve been here. I don’t think you’re crazy.”

Lottie looks at you with wide eyes for a moment, then looks behind herself again, and says, “I am crazy. I-I don’t understand what I am seeing. These are wrong.”

You paused as you took in her words, trying to find the right thing to say: “I don’t think you're completely crazy, then. Like the seance thing, I know you can’t speak French. I’ve seen things on my own out here.”

Lottie’s eyes soften as she slowly lowers her eyes to the ground in a mix of confusion and fear. “Like, what did I even say? I’m not good at French, I don’t even-”

“You spoke it like you lived in Quebec, Lottie. It was scary.” You admit to her without needing to think. You didn’t want to tell her what she said as you didn’t want to think about what she said that night. “That’s why I don’t think you made it up like the others.”

Lottie looks back up to you quickly as she studies your face. She shakes her head softly and says, “I didn’t fake it. I don’t even remember anything after the fake boob question.”

You nod and touch her arm for reassurance. “I know. I don’t know if ghosts or spirits exist, but after that, I don’t know if I can say that anymore.”

“What did you see?” She asks, almost desperate for someone to reassure her and tell her she wasn’t the only one seeing what she saw that night.

“Well, what I saw wasn’t during the seance.” You spieled off as you looked back at the others, ensuring they were out of earshot. You said, “I saw it that day; I was gone all day. It-It just wasn’t right.”

Lottie looks at you with an intensity you can’t place. She asks, “What was it?”

“It was this weird-looking tree. It was familiar, but I knew we didn’t have one like that on the trail. It looked like a woman peeking out at me because it curved and stuff.” You try to explain, but you can’t find the right words to convey the horror you felt that day. “I kept walking on the trail, and when I got to the plane, it was like I couldn’t go past it. I felt like I was walking for hours in circles, always coming back to the nose of the plane even though I had passed it moments before. I don’t know if I was asleep, dreaming this all, or something was turning me around for a reason…” You confess to Lottie, who stares at you with wide, concerned eyes, and you let your gaze drop to the ground in embarrassment. You shouldn’t have said anything. “Sorry, I must sound crazy right now.”

Lottie looks at you deeply and is almost lost in your words, looking at the wrinkle in your eyebrow that has formed since the crash. “I don’t think you're crazy. (Y/n), I don’t think you were just seeing things.”

“Well, I have to be because there is no such thing as a tree woman.”

“No, but dreams are said to have meaning to them. My mom always told me that my daydreams were so intense because of my imagination and anxiety.” Lottie explains, her voice growing more passionate as if she is finding a solution to her problems. “But I don’t think it was my imagination. I think it was a vision.”

You paused in your listening to her for a moment to feel the weight of her words because, for the first time in a while, you believed Lottie’s words weren’t out of mental illness but out of her own perspective truth. You couldn’t help but take in her words as a smile comes to your lips. “Like a psychic medium?” you ask her as you lean toward her with a chuckle. “I would believe it. You always know something before something comes out. Like Rebecca Glassmen.”

She chuckles as you remind her of the old gossip about Rebecca being pregnant. Lottie says she was faking it to get her boyfriend to stay with her. It turns out to be true after they break up, and her ex-boyfriend tells the whole school how much of a psycho she is. Lottie clocked it as soon as it was whispered at the Lunch table.

“Yeah, but it’s more than that. When I was 6, my parents took me to the World Trade Center to see where my dad works, and we had a day out in the city. But, on our way back home, we were at this red light, and my parents were talking about something on the radio. I felt this rush through my body. I saw meat and glass and blood everywhere on my mom’s face and my dad’s; I screamed.” Lottie paused as she continued, her eyes glossed over momentarily, and she didn’t seem to notice. You did. “They both looked at me, telling me to shut up, but when I was screaming, the light went green. The car next to us went ahead just as a semi-truck had brakes snap; it was a horrible crash. My mom is convinced I can see things because her mother, I guess, did the same thing. But, um, yeah, the driver of the car survived, but the passenger passed away in the crash, and it’s something not even my dad can explain. My dad doesn’t believe in any of this shit, so he has me go to therapy and take pills to stop them. I wish I had them again.” She says this almost breathlessly, as if she is lost in the present moment but completely focused on your conversation.

You don’t know if you fully believe in all the psychic talk, but it was interesting. You weren’t completely closed off to the idea of the spiritual realm, but after what happened in the attic, you believe there are things you can’t explain. You tell her, “Well, I don’t think I ever disbelieved in the supernatural. My grandparents' house was scary, and I am sure I had seen something before when I was young. I think you did see something before that car crash, Lottie,” You say to her with a soft nod. She beams underneath this almost gloss in her eyes, and you pause as you carefully place your words together.

“I think that not everything you see has a meaning, but something does have meaning because we place it on them. The cross means nothing to Taissa, but to Laura Lee, it means everything because it means something deeply to her. I do think that sometimes we need to place judgment on them and see if they do connect. I think that maybe what happened to me meant that something within can’t get past the plane crash, like I can’t even get in feet of that thing without having a panic attack, and maybe I can’t move on from it. Like, I’m mentally stuck on the plane. I know that sounds crazy, with us being stuck here, but something within my soul is more disturbed by the crash.”

Lottie nods her head and smiles. Her hand comes to her upper arm as she steps closer to you. You two stand so close together that it makes your heart skip a beat and halt your breath. “I think we should meet in the morning to discuss our dreams. I feel better talking to you. How do you feel?”

You wouldn’t help as your eyes scanned over her face. You felt her breath on your skin, breath lodged in your throat, and you felt yourself stunted for a moment. You took a moment to get lost in her brown eyes and tan skin. She was so beautiful. You remember how it felt to kiss her, but you couldn’t let yourself feel that way for her. Both of you placed a boundary around your friend to protect it, but at this moment, it felt like both of you were going to risk ruining it.

Lottie just waits for your answer with her eyes looking down at you like you were prey. You felt the electricity in the air between you two as you finally found your words.

“I feel good. We should.” You breathlessly say to her as you step back against the tree. A cavil memory comes to your mind of when you were pushed against a tree by Natalie. You didn’t want to remember that day. You didn’t want to believe that she didn’t want anything to do with you after everything. But you couldn’t help but lean onto whatever feeling this was as you locked eyes with Lottie. It was something thickening the air around you quickly. You almost felt yourself pull forward to Lottie’s lips by some pressure in the back of your head.

Lottie’s lips started to move before she could speak, and a snap of a branch ripped the two of you from the moment. Lottie snaps her head behind herself, and you peek over her shoulder to see bottle blonde streaks of hair.

You felt a red-hot embarrassment come through your body.

“Hey, uh, I wanted to tell you everyone left- I was just passing through,” Natalie says quickly to Lottie as she looks at her and back to you. You locked your eyes to the ground as a sour pout came to your lips. You couldn’t help but want to cry.

“Oh- Okay, Nat, me and (y/n) were just talking,” Lottie says with an almost nervous friendliness.

“Oh, okay,” Natalie says slowly, with a rasp, as she looks at the two of you. Almost a darkness comes over Natalie’s Aura as she looks at the two of you.

You wanted to sprint away from both of them and cry. You say quickly, “So, anyways, Lottie, let’s do a morning dream circle or something. I’d like that,” as you move yourself off the tree and back to the trail. Your neck clicks as you rush out of your situation. “I’ll talk to you guys later.”

You literally felt your heart start to pound painfully against your chest as you stormed out of the clearing. You wanted to scream.

Why did Natalie look at you like that?

Why did Lottie?

What fucking right does Natalie have looking at you like that with Lottie? All you did was talk. All you did was look. Fuck her. Fuck Travis. Fuck them. Fuck you, Natalie Scatorccio.

You bite your lip in frustration as you look down at the water, praying that something will finally take a bite of food. The river bank was still and smelled of hot milkweed peeking out of the water; the wilderness singing all around you didn’t stop the inner turmoil burning your insides. You couldn’t help but let your mind dwell on Natalie and Travis as they normally did when you were alone.

What were they doing? Hunting? Kissing? Fucking?

You couldn’t stop the spiral of cruel thoughts. It makes you want to vomit sometimes. It made you resurface every insecurity within yourself and blossom under the burning sun of jealousy and bitterness. She loves a boy, and you're not a boy. It’s that simple.

You were only for fucking. And Travis was for love and companionship.

You were just a passing pleasure.

A simple masturbatory lay.

She knew you liked her. She knew you were a virgin. She had to know how you felt and knew you would give anything to her if she acted like she liked you the same. She knew you were desperate for a companion. For someone to love you and for you to love them.

“Natalie sees me the same way she sees Misty.” You miserably thought as you tried not to let the tears form in your eyes.

Her not talking to you has been getting to you. She would be dismissive towards you, didn’t even look you in the eyes at your morning announcements anymore, and giggled at Travis while you tried to get through your words.

You couldn’t help but feel little pieces of glass stab into your flesh every time she stole a glance back at him in your presence. Jealousy has been evergreen within your veins since you lost your virginity.

You knew you shouldn’t be worried about this. Shauna is pregnant, we’re losing food every day, and you miss your family. But Natalie greedily stole all the space in your mind.

“Hey, you okay?” Van asks from the brush behind you. You didn’t notice her walking towards you with a laundry basket. She only saw your back quivering as you were trying to fish.

You glanced behind your shoulder at her as you felt your lip quiver. You were going to cry. You try to calm your voice as you squeak, “I’m okay!”

All efforts to stop her from coming closer were dead in the water as she put down the basket and came to sit beside you. Van quietly looks over at you in concern as she tries to piece together your pain. She gently asks, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

You felt your lip shake as a tear rolled down your cheek. You tried to steel your face, saying, “I don’t know if I should.”

Van jooks at you and scans down to your hands holding the old fishing pole. They shook slightly. The pressure of her kind eyes allowed you to vomit out your feelings.

“I don’t think I am lovable.” You sob out as your face twists into an ugly cry of despair. Your body shakes as you let out your dark thoughts, “I did something stupid, Van, and now I am just feeling so alone because I can’t tell anyone!”

Van is shocked at your outburst but comforts you with her hands on your shoulders. Your body violently shakes, and you feel sadness come over you. “Hey! Hey! What happened, (y/n)? You can tell me!”

“I don’t think I can!” You sobbed as you felt as if your eyes wouldn’t stop rivering down your cheeks. You said, “I could be outting someone.”

Van’s eyes widen for a second, but she quickly says as she grabs your shoulder firmly, “I don’t fucking care, why are you crying?! What happened?”

You cry as Van’s hands lead you down to their chest, and you feel yourself curl into her arms, crumbling under the comfort. You cry harder as you say into her chest, “I had sex with Natalie.”

“What?!” Van says, shocked, but as softly as she can manage not to upset you.

“Me and Natalie, two weeks ago, had sex in the woods when we were alone. She fingered me, and when I tried to reciprocate, she just pushed me away and told me it was all a mistake. She likes Travis-”

“She told you that just after she fingered you?!”

“Yes! She did. She just told me it was all a mistake. She likes Travis. I knew that when I was doing it.” You sobbed as you pulled away from your embrace with Van. You held a palm to your quivering lips. The weight of your emotions cut out your words. “I don’t know why I did it. I-I knew I wasn’t who she wanted.”

“I’m so sorry, (y/n). I’m so fucking sorry.” Van says as she pets the back of your head. She just watches you as you are crying. She is trying her best to calm you down from your helpless sadness. “Tai and I talked about how Natalie was giving you the cold shoulder, and we didn’t know why. Tai asked Natalie what was up, and Natalie said nothing was up and that the two of them were fine. I never would have thought-”

You sniffle as you shake your head, and your eyes close in pain. You didn’t mean anything to her.

“I meant nothing to her.” You quietly say as you look away from Van. Looking at her in the eyes would be too vulnerable for you. “I don’t even get a good lie. I just get we’re fine.” You darkly chuckle at the realization. You felt a twist in your core and changed the emotion consuming you. A giggle formed in your throat as you joked, “At least I know it’s not because I’m fat. It’s because I'm gay.”

“What?” Van asks, bewildered but amused at the mood swings. You turn your head to face her again.

“I know it’s not because I’m fat. I was always worried someone wouldn’t want me because I was too fat.” You laugh as you wipe your nose with your sleeve, cleaning the drips of snot. “It’s because I’m a dyke, and she’s straight!”

Van chuckles softly at your words, but your laughing amuses her. She rubs your back as your laughs slowly morph into cries again. Your hand comes over your face to hide it. You felt much more sadness than Natalie rejecting you, but you couldn’t help but focus only on this nasty feeling.

“I don’t know. I’m hurt because I don’t think Natalie is my friend anymore.” You wept into your hand, feeling yourself shake as you finally released the words into the air. “S-she wants nothing to do with me!”

Van pulls you into another hug as she rubs your arm. She brings you so close you are almost in her lap as she says, “Fuck that. Nat used you and acted like it was your fault. If she doesn’t want to be your friend, then that is on her and not you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

You paused as you let Van comfort you in this moment. You looked at her and asked, “I don’t understand. I don’t get why she wants nothing to do with me now.”

“Because she knows she fucked up. Fuck her. I don’t want to leave you now. I’m so sorry. Seriously, I am going to sit here with you all day.”

You try to pull away from her hold, but she keeps you in her grip. “You don’t have to.”

“No, I will.” Van says with a stern lip, “I’m not going to leave you today. You don’t deserve that shit from that fucking burnout. It’s wild.”

You let yourself breathe and calm down as you nudge Van with your shoulder, a smile softly coming to your tear-stained face. You didn’t have any fight in your body anymore. “Okay. Is it okay if we just sit here and look at the water for a while? I can teach you to fish.”

Van nods and softly smiles, “Yeah-yeah, whatever you want.”

‘21

You rub your ring finger with your thumb as you nurse your cigarette. You sat relaxed on the small kitchen table of Natalie’s hotel room as you looked out the window to the parking lot, waiting for Shauna to finally show up.

You knew she was going to be mad at you. She doesn’t even know you’re still in contact with the others. You didn’t know that she kept their numbers. You and her always had some secrets from each other, but Shauna was one to hold a grudge. You normally forgive her misgivings without thought, but she will hound you for weeks about even the smallest withholding of information.

You felt the chair beside you move as someone pulled it out to sit next to you. You slowly glanced at the woman next to you and looked back out the window.

“What have you been up to? I heard about that, uh, ‘Blood Oath’?” Taissa asks as she looks over you with a softness in her eyes.

You softly smile at the words and shake your head as you ash the fresh cigarette. “Yeah, you hear about it.”

“I mean there isn’t a lot of lesbian media out there.”

You look over at Taissa and say, “Yeah, I’ve written a few lesbian romance troilys. I have Blood Oath and Mushroom Circle about a fairy, and I am currently writing Three Wishes about a jinn. I am finally using my history minor and going on a press circuit. I have a whole panel to go to in a few days.”

“How has that worked out for you?” Taissa says as she pulls out a cigarette from your box. Something was comfortable with the women you were with, but you didn’t know how you felt about Taissa coming closer.

“It’s worked out good. I got my dream job, and it keeps the lights on. I think I might be taking a break after this.”

“Why?”

“I’m getting old. I’m losing steam over romance altogether. I’m thinking about finally dipping into sci-fi.”

“I mean, it’s about time. How many times have you read Dune?” She jokes softly as she lights her cigarette. You look at the woman, let your eyes study her, and take her all in. You don’t feel anything negative when she mentions the book you brought to the wilderness. You read it repeatedly, let the others burrow the behemoth, and still found yourself reading it when you were deathly bored. It had something new every time you read. You remember the second spring and summer out there, conversing about the book in an almost book club. It felt light and nostalgic. It was odd, but you didn’t let yourself stop.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same. It could be me correcting all the male centric bullshit.”

“Make it lesbain somehow?” Taissa jokes with a snicker, her nose crinkled playfully, as she puffs from the cigarette.

You roll your head back with a cackle. “You better know it.”

You notice Natalie pacing by the bathroom, but you ignore it. Your attention was off of Taissa, which felt very familiar. These women with you in a closed-in space were something your body seemed to remember as your heart beat faster in your chest. You noticed your fingers didn’t stop rubbing on the other. It was a tick you’ve grown to have over the years, and you looked down on it.

Taissa looks at your hand, then stares down at your ring finger. You felt the hairs on the back of your neck raised as you realised this is the first time she has seen you without your old engagement ring.

“If you're going to ask about it, just go for it.” You sigh as you ash your cigarette in a vodka bottle cap.

“Um,” Taissa looks almost longingly at the table and back at you and asks, “How are you and Van?”

You take a long drag on your cigarette. “We didn’t end up getting married. Van’s mom got sick, and my dad got dementia, and we- yeah.” You sigh. And you felt something sharp come over you as your eyes slice to Taissa’s, and you ask, “How’s Simone?”

Knock! Knock!

A polite knock against the hotel door saves you from hearing more from Taissa. You didn’t want to get any closer to Taissa. She scared you and was a coward when you needed her most. You were too grown to be getting closer to her again and having another toxic cycle begin. Luckily, you have learned how to shoo away politely as possible while letting someone know you weren’t happy with them. Natalie rushed to the door but paused as she held the door handle and slowly opened it to look at Shauna for the first time in almost a decade.

You stood up as you looked out the window to see Shauna awkwardly standing in front of the door, looking behind herself, paranoid. You took your last puff to ready yourself for whatever was to come.

Natalie opens the door wider for Shauna to come in. Tension is thick in the air as the two women lock eyes. You look on at them and smile at Shauna as Natalie paces to the other side of the room and towards the bed.

Shauna looks at you sharply as if to tell you to stand near her, and you find yourself coming closer. With the tension in the air, you can tell there was something more than terror and memories; it was jealousy.

“You look like shit.” Natalie chuckles, sarcastically, as she looks on at Shauna.

“Uh, well, back at you.” Shauna retorts with a pinched smile.

“How’s Jeff?” Natalie whispered in a hiss to Shauna. It was goading and mocking. You knew what she was mentioning, and you couldn’t help yourself as you grabbed Shauna’s forearm gently. “Is he still hocking futons?”

“Okay, no, no!” Taissa says as she leans against the counters with her cigarette in hand. “We’re not doing this, okay? Not after all the shit we’ve gone through. Now, we’re in a situation here. We’re gonna deal with it.” She paused as she looked at Natalie, then back to Shauna, and then back again to let the air settle. “Together.”

You rub Shauna’s arm, comforting her, saying, “It’s bigger than our feelings right now.”

“Okay, fine. What’s- what’s going on?” Shauna asked, exacerbated.

Natalie walks gently to the table where Travis's crime scene photos are. You still can’t make yourself look at them without feeling a rumbling of fear inside you, still marked with the symbol. Shauna looks over and leans forward to look closer, her eyebrow crinkled with caution. “Is that Travis?”

Natalie's eyes looked haunted for a moment, water lining them. You wanted to cry when you felt yourself nod, “Yeah, Shauna. It’s Trav.”

Shauna sits down and looks closer. Natalie says as Shauna looks closer, “Someone stung him up and then tried to cover their tracks.”

Taissa adds, puffing her cigarette, “We think it’s the same person who’s blackmailing us.”

Shauna’s head snapped up in confusion and worry. “What? Blackmail?”

Taissa and Natalie share a look, and then Natalie looks back at you. Neither of you got a text about it. “But you didn’t… get one of these?” as she leans back to the bed to pull out a postcard.

Shauna is completely bewildered as she looks at the postcard. She leans forward, says, “What?” and investigates the rest of the card. She pauses with almost anger in her eyes when she sees the symbol. “No. What do they want?”

Natalie rolls an eye of frustration, and Taissa says before Natalie can speak, “50 grand in cash to keep their mouths shut. We’re not sure exactly what they know, but we don’t want to find out.”

“You all got one?” Shauna asks, and she looks over to you. You feel a lot of pressure on you now, and you quickly blurt, “No. I didn’t get one. Misty did, though.”

“I mean, it’s got to be someone from the team, right? I mean, who else would know about this?”

“That reporter, " Natalie said with a smug smirk. She felt like she knew exactly who had done this.

“Wait, wait. I thought I told you to take care of her,” Shauna says to Taissa, which raises an eyebrow. She was also talking to the team members behind your back.

“I threatened a lawsuit. I told her to back off.” Taissa, crossed her arms, defended.

“Fuck this.” Natalie snaps as she grabs her phone.

“What are you doing?” Taissa asks. In this moment, you feel yourself rubbing Shauna’s shoulder for your own comfort and her own; she feels less tense as the girls talk.

“I’m gonna bring Jessica Roberts- great fake name, by the way- to us. And I’ll just say, 'I’m ready to tell my story.'” Natalie says as she starts to form a text with her thumb.

“No, because if it’s not her, then we are handing her the exact kind of story she is looking for,” Shauna says with a wave of the hand over the crime photos.

“Shauna’s right.” You mumble as you try not to panic. You knew in your heart that Jessica was out of anyone, but you didn’t like the logic of going to her now.

“Yeah, Shauna’s right, Nat. Please.” Taissa agreed as she looked at Natalie worriedly and shook her head. She was rightfully worried as Natalie didn’t stop sending texts to Jessica. “Please, just put the phone down. Stop it. Stop it!” Tassia stressed as her eyes started to widen.

“Natalie!” Shauna calls out to have Natalie stop.

“Please, Nat, stop it. Please, don’t talk to her!” You worry and come closer to Natalie, making Natalie look up at you, annoyed.

“Fucking put the phone down!” Taissa hissed at Natalie, who was slowly putting down the phone.

Natalie tilted her head to Taissa and said, “You know I don’t like it when you yell at me.” She dramatically puts the phone down.

“Can you get the money?” Shauna asks Taissa. You bristle a little at the question but don’t want to make it a big deal.

“I’m working on it.”

“Once you do, we put a GPS tracker in the cash, and that way, we can follow it, and see who, what we’re- we’re dealing with.’ Shauna says, planning out what the mission will be. It felt familiar and quiet; you didn’t know how you placed yourself. “Together,” Shauna added as she looked on at Natalie.

Natalie smiles at Shauna; a little bit of the hatchet was buried, as they agree with the plan.

“I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but should we loop Misty in?” Shauna asks the group, and you feel yourself lean forward on this. You add, “Yeah, I think we should. She could track down the sender of the text from a pin or something, and she could-”

“No. She could be part of it.” Taissa shook her head, and you couldn’t help but scoff at the idea.

“That’s a little far-fetched.” You say to Taissa with a smile, “She would lie about something to make us closer to her, but blackmail us. That is too far for even Misty.”

“Well, she did take me to see Travis, but first, she fucked with my car.” Natalie paused to inform the other two about your trip together. You felt yourself doubting Misty at that moment because it was all odd. “Still, she’s been helping me to figure this all out.”

“Oh, yeah, ‘cause, naturally,” Shauna says as she waves her hand, dry and sarcastic. “Is there anything else I should know about, or does the blackmail, Travis maybe being murdered, and this one playing buddy cop with Misty Quigley just about cover it?”

Natalie sniffed in response.

You sigh and nod as you rub Shauna’s shoulder again. “Yeah, that about does it.”

You feel yourself relax on the sand as your eyes open to an open lake view. It was beautiful. The water simmered in the lake like glitter in the air, making you want to walk into it. A summer breeze gently caresses your face as you gaze at how the sun sets on the horizon's edge. It was pure and something made by loving hands, as Laura Lee once said.

There was someone familiar in the water. Your mother looked at the sun and turned around, the rays of light highlighting the baby hairs that stood atop her head. “Peanut, come into the water! It’s heaven!” Your mother says to you with a giggle in her throat. She was healthy. She looked just how she did in your childhood before her illness. Before, she let her hair go grey. She made the scene beautiful.

A lightness spreads all around your body. You feel warmth you haven’t felt in months. Your mom is here, and she is healthy and young.

You call out happily, “I’m coming! I’ve been waiting for you!”

You stand up and feel almost nothing around you, not even the sand or your clothes, as you feel yourself strip down to your underwear to swim.

You walk towards the water, carefree and almost relieved to see her.

Absentmindedly, you glance down at your feet in habit only to find coldness touching your feet. It wasn’t water of a hot summer day. It was frost. You take a second to look at the snow that fell onto your foot as you walked forward; your toes have the white fluff in between, and you notice how cold you are. You look up to see only your mother gone. You're not at the lake. You're on the snow-covered cliffside.

You hesitated as you slowed your movements. It was your feet in the snow. You were in your underwear. Long hairs came from your legs and even from your feet. As you looked down, you felt something change in the air.

The stillness of everything wasn’t right. It’s the wilderness. It’s not winter yet.

You panic silently as you start to look around. It was all tall birch trees with autumn leaves still attached at the tops. Red and violent oranges stared down at you.

You looked down to almost a pond or a river. It wasn’t clear, as most of your legs were now submerged in it. It was all red. It made you shiver when the water brushed against your thighs.

Laisse l'obscurité te libérer.

You heard something from within the water. You didn’t like this, and you didn’t want this. The water stabs into you a

The water was corrupted—something rotten like the smell of eggs and iron. You felt yourself walk across this water bank, fearing something might grab at your legs.

‘It’s blood.’ you say out loud, as you try lto leave the tainted water. It was death. It was something dark.

“No, no, no. Mom!” You called out in a panic. Did she fall in? Is it red because she is hurt? No, the whole body of water is red; it was like a vein of the forest. You felt your lips quiver as you struggled out of the water, trip on your foot in the sand, and fall into the water until your knees touched the bottom. “MOMMY!” You sobbed out as you tried to look around as you felt yourself not finding your footing.

Splash! Splash!!

You hear splashing in the water before you feel your nose fill with the thick pond water. It tasted as it smelt: “AH!” You yelped when you found air. You tried to move away from the force that pulled you under, only to find yourself being pulled down deeper.

Your thrash and kick, flailing your arms, as you open your eyes to the metallic sting. Nothing but darkness tugged on your leg, wrapped around like a tentacle of some Greek myth, and you can’t help but panic.

You were drowning, but there was no pain. There was no sting of water in your throat.

Waving desperate arms to the sky, the disgusting water above as another body is thrown into the water, almost wanting a hand to pull you out.

As you stared at the body, it was thin, and you couldn’t make out anything to identify the girl whose lifeless body floated down like a rock.

You struggle more as exhaustion comes to your arms and legs and as the being tightens its grip. It doesn’t stop pulling, but you stopped swimming.

You feared what was at the bottom and who had just fallen into the water. But it was peaceful when you stared up at the translucent water. It was enough for you to feel at ease.

‘96

You gasped awake in a panic, a hand resting on your frantic heart. Your body shook as you looked around the dusty, dank attic, and Shauna was lying beside you now, stirring at your noise.

You felt tears fall out of your eyes without you realizing you were tearing up as you try to push air into your body, you were awake. It was just a horrible dream.

Shauna stirred in her sleep and slowly opened her eyes, a frown on her lips. “Are you okay?” she yawns.

You pant as you nod your head. “Yeah, horrible nightmare. I’m fine, go back to bed.”

Creak!

There are the sounds of someone softly stepping up the ladder to the attic, and a pair of shoes are gently placed on the floor. You see Taissa’s head pointing out from the hatch. She almost widens her eyes when she notices both of you awake.

“Hey. where have you been?”

“I had to pee,” Taissa quickly says as she looks to the floor. She goes to her sleeping bag and asks, “What are you two doing up?”

“Bad dream,” Shauna says before you can, stretching her arms on her side of the makeshift bed. You look to Taissa as you try to fix your hair in your grogginess.

“What was it this time? A Cheeseburger-baby?” Taissa chuckled as she stood still at the foot of your bags. You giggle as you try to braid your hair back to where it was before falling asleep.

Shauna laughs, “I should have never told you about that.” She looks down to the ground, and worry seems to pass through her. “What am I going to do?”

Taissa’s eyes soften as she slowly lowers herself to the floor to look Shauna in the eyes. You tie the end of your braid to get closer. “What do you mean?” you ask softly, as your eyebrow crinkles in worry for her.

“I heard that Katie Lindstrom did with the underwire of her bra last year,” Shauna states as she looks at you. She was serious. You just look on at her with wide, concerned eyes. “Shauna, that was a rumor-”

“Have you lost your mind? You’ll die.” Taissa adds with a grave undertone.

Shauna’s lip quiver as she whispers back, “I’ll probably die either way. I’m in the middle of nowhere, and the Ob-gyn on call is Misty fucking Quigley!” she took a breath as she looked away with eyes in her eyes. You wanted to sob at the way she spoke, and you wanted to vomit at the idea you were going to lose your best friend. You grab her arm and rub it to comfort her as a tear rolls down your cheek, looking down to Shauna’s lap, as she continued her rant, “At least this way I won’t die having my best friends-” she cuts herself off.

You paused as you slowly looked up at Shauna’s face, your eyes widening as you turned to look at Taissa. You couldn’t speak, think, or move. The information was just not expected.

Shauna hates Jeff. She doesn’t like him and cheers whenever Jackie and him break up… You couldn't help but look back at everything that happened in your friendship and see the truth. Shauna was sleeping with Jeff, not the whole time, but at least since her hatred for him formed.

“What… what were you about to say?” Taissa asks Shauna with wide eyes, and she also takes in the bombshell and you.

For a moment, only the summer crickets' song could be heard. You looked on at Shauna in disbelief. You couldn’t believe she would betray Jackie, but you couldn’t help but be hurt that she didn’t confide that in you once. “Shauna?” Taissa asks again, more momentous.

“At least this way I won’t die having my best friend’s boyfriend’s baby.” She whispers with a stammer in it from her emotions. She is crying now as she finally looks at you; she feels judged and disgusting. You rub your hand softly. You ask, in disbelief, “It’s Jeffs?”

Shauna doesn’t say anything as her teary eyes burn into yours, almost begging you for forgiveness, like you were Jackie. You couldn’t help the betrayal that painted your face as tears welled in your eyes, overwhelmed with the truth. She was telling the stone-cold truth. You were starting to accept the facts, but it hurt you to think about what Jackie would say.

“Whoa.” Taissa sighed as she felt what everyone was feeling. “Okay. I mean… Wow. Yeah.” She processed as she has Shauna looking at her, “But still, Shauna, it’s not worth dying to keep Jackie from finding out.”

“It’s not Shauna.” You agreed as you sniffled a little bit. You were overwelemingly sad, and your dream didn’t help you prepare for the heaviness of the situation. “Jackie doesn’t have to find out.” As you grab her arm, you quickly say, “We must lie to her. We can’t let this get out. It-it.” You try to find an easy lie as fast as you can. “It was Randy! Randy marsh and you fucked at the party and I saw it! It’s okay! Please, we don’t have to do that, Shauna.”

“I have a plan, alright?” Taissa cut in, “To head south and find help. So just wait.”

You nodded at Taissa’s words. We all needed to leave, and the group needed to start being more aggressive with our approach to leaving. You turned your head to Shauna, came closer, and rubbed her back as lovingly as possible. You were angry with her, but she was deeply regretful in a dire situation; you loved her more than any other feeling. “Yeah, please just wait.”

“Please, promise me not to do anything stupid,” Taissa begs as she puts a hand on Shauna’s knee. You kiss Shauna’s temple, rub her back, and Taissa moves to lie down on her bed.

Shauna was silent as her eyes dried, her tear-stained face plagued by heavy thoughts. She doesn’t respond to your affection but doesn’t push you away when you lightly push her to bed. You cuddle beside her and plead, “Shauna, I will be here no matter what. I love you. Please, we need to find our way out, and I will go with you to get an abortion at a clinic with professionals.”

Shauna nods her head with empty eyes. “Okay.” She weakly says as she turns away from you so you can cuddle her back. You feel her shaking as she starts to cry into her pillow. She cries softly, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

You quietly rub her back and look at the back of her brunette hair. You feel a shy tear fall off the side of your eye and into your ear. “It’s okay. It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is you surviving this. Fuck everything else.”

Shauna just cries as you softly pet her hair and hold her shivering body. Taissa looks over at the two of you from her bed, concerned, and turns to keep an eye on them.

You wake up in the early morning hours with an ache in your body, and your neck is stiff as always. You feel dark circles under your eyes as you rub your eyes to wake up fully. You sit up and look around the room to see Taissa and Shauna still resting. You felt pressure on your blader as you sat up in your blankets and didn’t bother to mess with your undone hair.

You yawn into your hand as you quietly creep to the ladder and descend. You saw the girls sleeping on the floor, but empty beds were lying about like they were going to where you were going now. You don’t think much about this morning as you peacefully walked out of the cabin and onto your trail to the pooping corner.

As you finished your business, Lottie walked by with a wide-eyed look of excitement: “(y/n)! You’re up!”

You zip your pants and chuckle, “Yeah, I’m up. I had a fucking crazy dream.”

Lottie stands next to you from the other side of the bushes. “I did, too. I asked Van to come with us because her dreams have been off, too, if that's okay.”

You smile and nod, “Oh, yeah, that's fine. I love Van.”

Lottie almost dropped her cheerful smile as she furrowed her eyebrow a bit. She quickly smiled again and nodded her head. “Yeah, she’s great. She’s been my best friend since diapers.”

You nod your head as you try to explain the swing of expressions she made, you walk beside her and say, “Van’s always been nice to me, but since we’ve been here she has been such a good friend to me.” you look down to your feet and back to Lottie,

Lottie nods her head with a pinched lip. She looks away for a moment and then smiles back at you. “She’s a good friend. I’m happy you two have gotten close.”

You look at the side of Lottie’s face, not knowing where her cheeriness went as you say, “Dreams last night?”

Lottie looks back at you in surprise. You were looking at her, thinking, and she says, “Yeah, I had some weird ones last night.”

You return to the cabin to find Van and Laura Lee standing around the fire. Lottie nods over to them with a smile and cuts off your conversation to sit in a circle. Van is placing logs, while Laura Lee is placing kindling in the places between.

You sit down and feel yourself hug the blanket closer in the crisp morning breeze. The others slowly sat beside you in the circling trunks surrounding the main fireplace. Lottie cleared her throat, saying, “Alright, let's start this thing. I had a dream about a talking squirrel, “ She blurts out with a giggle. Laura chuckles as well as Van, “It was saying something about breathing in life and that if I just go with the flow, I would be fine.” She confesses with another chuckle.

You narrow your eyes as you snort, “That’s it? Anything else?”

“Do you have anything better?” Van snarks with a chuckle. She looks over at you with a joking look.

“A little.” You smile at her as you look down at your feet and put them closer to the small fire. “I had a dream about my mom at the lake. I, like, went to the water, and it then became winter. Snow everywhere and shit, in my toes. I saw this lake of blood.”

“Exodus 7:14.” Laura Lee mumbles beside you; you turn your head to her with confusion.

“What?”

“A river of blood is in Exodus 7:14, part of the ten plagues God sent upon Egypt to convince Pharaoh to release the Israelites from slavery.” She says to you, her legs crossed and her hands clasped in her lap. She is trying her best to be here as a spiritual guide, and you are not uncomfortable with her religious lectures.

“Did it have a meaning behind it? Like, was it a metaphor for something?” You ask her as you rub your hands on your thighs, “I don’t know. It was kinda scary.”

“It was retribution for the drowning of the newborn Hebrew boys in the Nile. It took all the water to drink and to water their food.”

You nodded your head as you rocked gently in your seat. “Well, I saw the lake, and somehow, I am inside the lake. I am standing on the shallow end, and it just smells horrible. I got scared thinking my mom fell in, so I looked for her, and then I was pulled in. I woke up as I was being pulled down.”

The three look on at you with some concern, but Van says, “That was a crazy nightmare. If this is to put meaning on dreams or whatever, I think your dream was about you worrying over your mom.”

Lottie nods and says, “Yeah, I think you were thinking about your mom last night before bed, and you felt all those feelings. I’ve had a few nightmares about my parents since I’ve been here.”

As she plays with the cross on her necklace, Laura Lee says, “I think we should pray together. I’ve kept your mother in my prayers, (Y/n). How about we do one together?”

You felt your heart punch when you were touched by the idea that Laura Lee had been praying for your mom since she got sick. When she told her she would keep her in her prayers the first time, Van and Lottie looked uncomfortable, but you didn’t stop yourself when you said, “You know what, Laura, sure. I think that would make me feel better.”

Laura Lee beams as she grabs your hand in her thin pale one; she grabs the hesitie Van’s. She looks at Lottie and slowly grabs Van’s, then yours. You look on at Laura and Lottie, bowing their heads and closing their eyes. You look at Van doing the same as you, looking at the other, trying not to laugh and being sincere at this moment.

“Dear heavenly father, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us; And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. We ask you to look over Mrs. (L/n) and (Y/n) (L/n) in this time of uncertainty and to have mercy on the health of Mrs. (L/n). Amen.”

’21

You sit across from Mr. Taylor as you try to fix your skirt, desperate for a good brunch. You look back up and say, “So, yeah, my sales have been very good this last quarter because my next book-”

“The Three Wishes thing.” Mr. Taylor asks as he sips on his coffee. He is trying to be interested in your life.

“Yeah, and-”

“What were the sales? Number wise for books?” He asked you before you could speak. You felt 15 again in his kitchen. Shauna looks on at you with a wary expression as you are cut off, but there is a small shimmer in her eye that you know but never said. Envy.

“About 100,000 copies, especially because there is this app that younger people like called TikTok, which has gotten much attention for my work. So, if we’re talking about my other books included, it would be about 400,000 copies of them together. It’s getting decent, but when the whole Twilight thing was happening, I had a peak of 1,500,000 copies.”

“You haven’t gotten a movie deal yet? It sounds like you are doing amazing.” He says with a smile growing on his lips and somewhat pride in the little girl he has known for 35 years. You smile back at the praise and nod.

“I haven’t had any deals in the talks, but some are whispering about the rights going to Netflix or Hulu to adaptation because romance is becoming a big genre for teens again.”

“Ta-da!” Mrs. Taylor says with a smile as she presents her dish. Tuna Quiche.

“Oh, wow,” Shauna says with a nod as she looks at the food with a painfully fake positivity. Jeff smiles, and Mr. Taylor smiles as Mrs. Taylor places the dish in the center of the dining table.

You fake a big smile and say, “Thank you, Ms. Taylor. This looks delicious.”

“I know it’s silly to do this each year,” Mrs. Taylor says with a distant look as she turns to the side table where Jackie’s cake and two presents stood. She lifts the two small box presents wrapped with a blue and a yellow ribbon. “It’s not a real birthday without presents.”

The older woman hands you and Shauna the two boxes that are presented. Shauna is trying to be okay as you beam up to her.

“Thank you, Mrs. Taylor, " you say as you gently pull the ribbon, and Shauna unwraps the small box. You already know what it is, and you want to cry.

“Oh, god, look how cute!” You pull out a small porcelain bunny. The brown rabbit is anthropomorphic and dressed in a purple dress and a white parasol. She looks to be dancing like a southern belle with a winked eye.

“Oh,” Shauna sighs as she tries to smile. She pulls out a mother rabbit with babies hanging from her white skirts. It was cute, but it was heartbreaking.

“Oh, yup.” Jeff nodded as he leaned in, “It’s- she’s got little babies. That is nice. That’s very nice. It’s very pretty.”

“It’s- it’s lovely.” Shauna agreed with a forced smile.

You put yours before your plate as if you were happily claiming it. “You even remembered our colors. Right, Shauna, You’re blue, and I’m purple, and Jackie was pink.”

Shauna nodded her head with the same smile. You smiled as you looked at the disappointed Mrs. Taylor. She nodded lightly and said, “Jackie just adored rabbits.”

You just nod as you see Shauna pursing her lip at Ms. Taylor’s comment. It was a mismermory of Jackie.

Mr. Taylor says as he grabs the pie knife, “Dig in before it gets cold.”

“Great.” “Deal!”

You smiled as Mr. Taylor placed a large slice of the quiche onto your plate. You looked over to your side for a piece of toast. You weren’t excited to taste this. You could die without eating fish again.

“Yum! Where did you get this recipe?” You say as you politely eat at her table, remembering how she corrected you in childhood when you slept over. But you know why she needs you here, why you play like you were her child for this hour. “I would never have thought to put tuna in a quiche.”

Mrs. Taylor beams at your compliment and nods, “I got it from Paula Deen! I just love her, and I wish people didn’t judge her so much.”

You felt Shauna kick your leg as you professionally held in a cackle. You lick your lips as you grab your mimosa. “I agree. I mean, what are we comparing her to? The KKK?” You lie through your teeth to appease the racist old woman you can’t stomach upsetting.

“It’s Jackie’s birthday. Just breathe and lie. Just get through this, " you thought as you let Mrs. and Mr. Taylor ramble about how wrongfully she was canceled for her remarks. You wanted to peel your skin, but you bit your tongue. They have always been this way, but at least they were polite.

There was a lull for a moment as Mrs. Taylor looked on at Shauna, a mix of longing and bitterness.

“You two have an anniversary coming up, don’t you?” She asked as she looked at the couple pointedly. You glance up to Mr. Taylor, who has his gaze on his plate. You drank the rest of your mimosa.

“Yup. Yeah, pretty soon.” Jeff answered with a smile. He was in good spirits despite the tension building.

“Jackie would’ve been so happy for you.” She says in a wispy way, you knew that her Valium was kicking in as as then blinks, “I truly believe that. She was generous that way. And always worried about you finding someone, Shauna. And you too, (y/n).” She added, sending you a small smile at the end. You didn’t know how to take any of the tension as you didn’t in previous years. An ongoing feud only on one side out of grief. You knew Shauna enough to know why she still comes; you come for similar reasons. “Sliver linings, I suppose.”

“I think Jackie would be happy with my New York lifestyle.”

“She would be so impressed with how slim you got. You look just like your mother when you were young. You dress up like those girls on Girls. It made me think if you two went to Rutgers.” Mrs. Taylor compliments and aims through your heart like an arrow—one about your mother, another about Jackie, and a comment on your body. Triple digits in one go.

You smile as you take a bite of your quiche. “Oh yeah, I like to think me and her, and Shauna would go the clubs I got to go to. I went to one with pink lighting and flowers on the wall, and my first thought was, 'Jackie, would love this!’” You thoughtfully replied, as you wanted to bite through the tip of your tongue.

Mrs. Taylor almost ignores you as her head sways back to Shauna. “You two are a-a better match. You're both the type to be content. You don’t want more than, well,” she stops, continuing now, hearing the anger in her words. You look down as you nibble on your croissant. You glance up to see Jeff looking at you in shock. “What you have?”

“Um—” Shauna starts, almost instinctively standing up for herself, but she is too shy to continue.

“Oh, I didn’t mean that in a bad way. No, I mean… It’s nonsense all this talk about having it all. The fact is that you can’t be remarkable and raise a family.”

“And you’re the mother of such a special little child.” Mr. Taylor added to lighten the mood a little bit.

“I don’t even like my own daughter.” Shauna retorts with a dryness that matched the food.

Jeff and you hold back giggles as she says that to say professional in this brunch.

“I don't,” Shauna says again as she looks at you. You knew it was a lie but also not dishonest. You couldn’t help but agree that you disliked Callie's behavior but thought it was too far. Jeff chuckles and shakes his head, thinking it was all a joke, “It’s an inside joke. She’s kidding.”

BRINNG! BRINNG! BRINNG!

You widened your eyes as your phone rang in your purse. You quickly turned to the bag hanging on your chair and picked out your phone—it was your publisher.

“I’m so sorry, I have to take this business call. I will be right back, " you say as you take the purse strap on your shoulder and stand up. You smile to Mrs. Taylor. “Delicious food. I’m excited for cake.”

You leave the dining room quickly as you answer the call outside on their back patio. You sit down on their pool chair, stare off at the flowers in their garden, and pull out a cigarette, resting it on your lower lip.

“What is it, Anderson? What's the good news?”

“We’re underestimating the excitement for the third book. Marketing and Production have called me saying they are seeing the number rise and will print about 100,000 more books.”

You nearly choked as you lit the end of the cigarette. As Anderson spoke, you said, “What?! What happened?”

“Well, there was this TikTok edit for your Vampire Annette, and now we are finally starting talks about a movie deal!” The young man beams into the phone and rambles on, “And, that gives you that needed break, lady.”

You are stunned as you just blink and look at the green weeds. You were lost for words. This was amazing news. You took a drag of the stick and say, “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, Holy shit! You’re going to see a lot of attention soon. I just had to tell you. We will be in touch soon.” Anderson says cheerfully, as he hangs up on you.

You felt yourself still for a moment and held your phone up to your ear still as you smoked away. You didn’t feel happy. You didn’t feel anything for some reason. This brunch has taken out most of your energy for anything else.

“You should be happy, you know, not everyone can make a living off of porn.” A girlish giggle says beside you. You felt your lip quiver as you realized why there was a numbness inside of you: it was because this was going to happen. You turn your head to see Jackie in her orange ruffled bikini from her 15th birthday party, a pool party. She looked so small and childish as she smirked, “You know, if I knew you like vampires so much, I would have watched Nosferatu with you finally after your years of begging and begging.”

In middle school, you three had a movie phase and would watch whatever the other said when you slept over. You pick Nosferatu, but Shauna and Jackie rejected the idea because it was too old, so you all watched Jackie’s pick of It Happened One Night.

You look on at her as you puff your cigarette, a small smile creeps on your lips as it quivers. “You would have hated it.”

“I would have. But we would have been together.” She says with a cheerful smile, it was like a memory of a memory playing out in front of you. You felt 15 again under her gaze.

You had to physically stop yourself from letting yourself cry at those words. You quiver, “I would have, too.”

“If only you said something. None of this would have happened.” She says with a twist in her smirk becoming dark. You wanted to scream with guilt at those words.

You look to your feet as you ash the cigarette and look back up to see the phantom gone from the pairing patio chair. A stinging feeling comes over you that you can’t shake as you slowly look up to the sky. You let yourself cry, smoking the cigarette as if it would clear the stress.

“Jackie should’ve been here.” You think as you shakily take a breath in. Your grief, guilt, and nostalgia lock you in place for a moment.

‘96

Shauna and you crouch down at a Rabbit trap as Jackie says, “I never thought I’d be desperate enough to want to eat a rabbit.”

Shauna sighed as she stood up with nothing. You don’t say anything to Jackie out of exhaustion with the day already. Jackie continues, “Oh, well… I mean, what even is a rabbit? A squirrel with floopy ears and a pom-pom on its ass? Like why? What even is that?”

“It’s a rabbit. What’s this question?” Shauna says warily as she walks forward. She seems as exhausted as you as you walked beside her for support. You stop with them as Jackie moans displeasure at the leaves nibbled on by the clever rabbits that missed the traps.

“I’d sell my firstborn for a cheesesteak right now.” Jackie moans to the two of you.

“Can we stop talking about food?” Shauna quickly says as she rests her fists on her hips. You could feel the silent tension of knowing something Jackie didn’t grow inside you. The firstborn comment made you feel like you were walking on eggshells.

“I think I miss Cheesesteak more than I miss Jeff,” Jackie blurted out. Looking at Shauna, you both chuckled at her statement as she continued, “Is that even possible?”

Jackie sighed as she looked away at the trees and crossed her arms. “No, I miss Jeff more. Fuck. I miss his smell and…” Jackie rants as Shauna walks away. You felt the hairs on your neck standing up when you remembered hiding everything from Jackie. She didn’t do anything wrong. You stand there at full attention to Jackie’s words to not let her notice how Shauna looked hurt, “the way he rubbed his wrist with his thumb when we were holding hands, and I even miss his stupid Ace Vantura impressions.”

You rub Jackie’s arm with comforting eyes. “I’m sorry, Jackie. I know you must miss him, " you say as Jackie starts to follow Shauna down the trail. Jackie smiles back to you, understanding and loving the attention you are giving her.

“He must be losing his mind right now. Did I tell you guys he said he loved me before we left?” Jackie says as she looks back to you, and you couldn’t help but express your shock. She just couldn’t tell your shock wasn’t because of the confession. Shauna stops dead in her tracks and turns to look at Jackie. “No, you didn’t,” Shauna replies evenly.

“Did you tell him you loved him back?” You asked quickly to Jackie.

“Yeah. Yeah. I-I didn’t say it back, and… I should have.” Jackie says, keeping her arms crossed. She looks down at the forest floor with a mix of emotions. For a moment, all of you pause the conversation to only hear the crowing in the distance.

“I’m sure he knows how you feel.” Shauna says as she starts to walk on the path, but she stops and says, “Wait. Do you.. Love him?”

You paused beside Jackie with wide eyes, almost wanting to scream at Shauna to shut up, as Jackie looks at Shauna for a moment as Shauna continues, “I just thought that-”

“I don’t know. I-I just shouldn’t have made him wait, that is all. I just got so caught up in making everything perfect, and now, if we die out here, someone else will be his first, and I’m-”

As Jackie was ranting, Shauna stopped to lean against a tree out of exhaustion. She held her stomach as she took a deep breath. You and Jackie quickly came to her side, concerned. “Shauna?” You yelped as you grabbed her shoulder.

“Whoa. Hey, hey, hey. You okay?” Jackie says as she circles the two of you to be in front of Shauna.

Shauna pushes a hair behind her ear and says weakly, “Yeah. I’m just hungry.”

Jackie quickly reaches into her pocket to pull out her last piece of fish jerky and says to Shauna, “Oh, here. Take this.”

“It’s your last piece, I-” Shauna tries to say, as you pull out your last piece of jerky.

“You need it more than me. Here,” Jackie says as she smiles at Shauna to take the food. She doesn’t understand how much truth is in her words. You were sweating bullets at the many opportunities to tell Jackie come up in your face, and you had to resist telling her that Shauna is pregnant.

“Just take it.” You softly push as you look deeply into Shauna’s eyes.

Shauna nods weakly and says, “Thank you.” She takes two pieces and eats them.

You quickly turn to Jackie to lighten the mood, “By the way, if he has his first time with someone else, it doesn’t change you were his first love. And sex is so overblown!”

Jackie chuckles and nods her head. “Yeah, I am. He will just have to think about me when he sleeps with whatever skank you took my place.” She snorted at her joke.

You chuckle with her as you refuse to look at Shauna, knowing this hurts her. " Yeah, you were the most interesting part about Jeff, anyway.”

You all giggle at that joke as you feel Jackie nudge you, “How do you know sex is overblown, huh?”

You blush as you shake your head, turning to walk away. “I may have been fingered before, but it doesn’t count!”

Jackie gasps and slaps Shauna’s arm for attention. She quickly perks up to follow you to get more. “It does, too! I told you when Jeff did!”

“Well, it doesn’t matter now!” You giggle with blush on your cheeks, trying to run away from your two friends who are now pestering you for more information.

You sit beside Jackie, holding her hand gently as you paint pink on her fingernails. “Do you even think that’s true?” Jackie asks Mari, besides her, between the legs of Akiliah, who was braiding her hair.

You snicker as you add, “I don’t think she is a prostitute if that is what you're asking, Jackie.”

“I mean, you can’t not be a prostitute if you're offering blowies for 20 dollars.” With a snort, Jackie says Mari and Akiliah giggling at the rumor about Jessica Lowa.

“Ooohh!” The girls who circle the fire are sent to Natalie and Travis when they return. The whole cabin ground was giggling and whistling over to the couple; you bit your lip as you focused on not painting on Jackie’s cuticles.

“Natalie and Travis sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-” Laura Lee was teasing with a playful smirk. You feel yourself have to hold in a small gasp from your lips as you try to stop the blurring of your eyes from tears. Dear god, you didn’t need them being together rubbed into your face.

Lottie giggles and shakes her head at Laura, “I think they were doing more than kissing.”

You couldn’t help but agree. You wanted to cry.

Mari calls out from the porch, “Hey, Nat, how exactly are you and Flex hunting for out there anyways?”

“I hear it’s beaver season!” Van cuts in with a joke, making you all snicker.

“Maybe a condom.” You giggle yourself at Akilah’s little joke. You push her knee to approve the joke, and she sends you a beaming smile at the praise.

“Ah! Sit and spin, assholes.” Natalie says as she flips off the group, turning for everyone to see it sent their way. When you finish her picky finger, Jackie pulls her hand from your hold, and you look up to see her frowning deeply in anger.

“Is this why we don’t have any food? ‘Cause you been too busy running for mayor of Pound city.” Jackie cuts into the laughs towards Natalie. You look at Jackie and back to Natalie, feeling the tension building.

“Uh, go fuck yourself.” Natalie retorts.

“I guess we shouldn’t be surprised. Nat’s always down for a good time, right?” Jackie says with a tilt of her head. She steps down the steps slowly, coming closer. Everyone pauses what they are doing to see what Jackie is going to say, listening to every word.

“I can’t magically conjure a deer, Jackie.” Natalie says and then points her finger at her for a second, storming closer to jackie herself “But keep talking your shit, I’ll find something to shoot.”

“Oh. Wow. Oh, you’re so tough.” Jackie mocked as she came into Natalie’s face. “I’m not scared of you, burnout.”

“No.” Natalie stares daggers into Jackie’s eyes and says, “You’re jealous. ‘Cause your an uptight, prudish little bitch.”

Taissa runs between the two and pushes Natalie off of Jackie. “Hey! Knock it off!” she says, turning to Jackie, “Both of you.”

The two girls turn their backs and walk away, Jackie sending a middle finger to Natalie as she storms off.

“Fuck that bitch.” Jackie huffs as she passes you to get into the cabin. You just sit there in shock.

You wanted to cry. Natalie wanted Travis and was showing off her claim to him.

You look to your side to see Van whispering to Taissa, Van’s blue eyes look at yours as you get off the porch step to check on Jackie.

‘21

You: I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I wanted to know if you want to go to the reunion together. You: I also got great news from my publishing house and wanted to celebrate with you sometime. 😊 Van: I don’t think I can go to the reunion. Van: I’m happy to hear about that! Please call me when you can to talk more about this because I can’t stand texting. Van: 3====D You: Okay! I would have called if I wasn’t in a situation! It’s all good. You: I’ll come by after the Reunion. They wanted me to give my graduation speech, which I never got to give. I wanted to give you the chance to make fun of me. Van: I would never.

When you came back inside Jackie’s parents' house, you were scolded by Mrs. Taylor about your smoking, which Jeff and Mr. Taylor only added to. You smiled and apologised on your way out to go to the bathroom real quick, even with Shauna’s pleading eyes for you to stay with her. You sat on the toilet as you typed a text to your ex-fiance, now a long-distance friend, and you sighed as you felt yourself smile. You knew you needed to speak to her about everything happening with the team, but you hadn’t found the time or the mind to do so. You miss her and want to tell her about your life again, even with how things ended the last time you were together. It felt like something within you was looking for Van’s comfort and her presence.

You leave the small bathroom across from the main bedroom and enter the hallway, only to find Shauna standing outside Jackie’s room. The door closing behind you makes Shauna turn to the side to meet your eyes. The two of you share a quiet sorrow this morning. She returns to Jackie’s bedroom and walks into it, leaving you alone in the hallway.

As you reach the white doorway, you slowly step down the hall with a heavy heart. Leaning on the door frame, you look on as Shauna silently stares at the bed. The room was untouched from the day you all left. The white silk of her bed and curtains were meticulously cleaned and steamed, the pink carpet was spotless of any dirt or life, and her vanity was still messily scattered from her rushed packing of her makeup the day of the trip. It felt like her room was stopped in time and space, like the ghost of the homecoming queen was still living there.

As you shyly walked into the room, you felt like a teenager. It made you think of a good memory of one of the many sleepovers you shared. Shauna went into her purse and started to text someone on the other end. You assumed it was Callie as you slowly came over to the end of the bed in the center of the room.

You’re parents were very strict about you going to your friends' houses when you were a child, and they never let you have a sleepover until you were 12 years old. It didn’t matter how many camping trips you went on with Shauna, Jackie, and your parents. They didn’t like the idea of you sleeping away from them. It didn’t matter how much they knew Shauna’s parents or Jackie’s, and they didn’t let you stay longer than 9 pm. It took you, Shauna, and Jackie begging your mother for weeks for her to finally agree that you were to sleepover at Jackie’s at her birthday party, rules being you had to call your mother when you were going to bed and when you woke up to pick you up as soon as possible. A smile comes to your lips as you remember your first time sleeping over at Jackie’s house.

“You remember when we finally had a sleepover with you guys?” you ask quietly as you look at Shauna. She was now looking at the small dairy you both bought after you were rescued to make cute favorite pages of things you knew Jackie would have loved if she was still around.

“Yeah,” Shauna chuckles as she looks up from the pages. “We finally won. We've got to all be together finally…”

You felt sad at the memory, feeling that innocence and triumph were the highlights of your childhood. You felt yourself almost melt into the memories as a chill crept up your spine.

“Okay, read it back to me.” The sweet sound of Jackie’s was heard behind you. She was young, with pigtails on her crown. Her body was petite and still childish, and she looked on at a younger version of you and Shauna.

You had turned your head to the scene. You smiled as you saw your chubby self giggling into her fist as she tried to let Shauna speak. “Okay, so I’ll go. You’re Jeff, right?” And then he will nod or whatever, and then I’ll say, “Your friend Randy told me that you asked him to ask me to ask Jackie if she likes you.” Shauna excitedly reads off the notebook paper, her small finger moving along with the words.

12 year old Jackie blushes as she shakes her head a little, “Just don’t say that I told you that I like him. I don’t want him to think that I’ve been, like, pining over him or whatever.”

You saw your younger self giggle harder in her hands, blushing at the idea of romance, as you said, “I bet you have been writing little doodles about him for weeks now.”

Jackie giggles and pushes your shoulder, pushing you back to the pillows. “Shut up, (y/n). It’s not like you don’t pine over Joshua!”

“Stop it!” Your younger self squeals with Jackie, grabbing her hands to hold yourself up with giggles. You never remember how happy you were as a kid. You smile at the scene as you feel Shauna’s arm brush against your own. She is looking on at the bed as you were.

“What if he says yes?” Shauna asks Jackie as she holds her tassel pen.

Jackie straightened her back, “Then just be like, “Okay, Cool… But definitely don’t act like you know I like him back.”

“Wait. Do you, like, like like him?” Shauna asks Jackie with wide eyes. “Oh my god, Jackie, why didn’t you tell me?”

All your younger selves giggle and are excited. You feel a tear come down your cheek, and your hand comes up to wipe it. You look away for a moment to look at the smudge of black makeup on your fingers.

“It’s not your fault,” Jackie says as she sits alone on the bed. She looks at you with her big innocent eyes and looks at you with pity for a moment. “What happened.” She added, to explain what she was talking about.

“I know,” Shauna says beside you. You look to her quietly as you realize she was seeing everything you were seeing, too. It was real or not real. It didn’t matter.

“Actually, you don’t know.” Jackie retorts with a pout on her lips, mocking. “It’s totally your fault. It’s your fault for not stopping it, (Y/n).” She looks to you with a smile and back to Shauna.

Your lip quivered as you looked at her round face. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have stayed with you that night.” You whisper to the phantom.

“But we were kids. And it was awful.” Jackie says again, more calmly and sweetly. A mood swings with each word the phantom has.

“Why are you here?” Shauna asks softly.

“Why are you here?” Jackie whispers back with a small smirk growing on her lips.

You both look at the bed and whisper together in the bedroom, so you don’t notice when Jeff enters the doorframe. “Where have you guys been?” he says softly as he pauses at the doorframe, unable to walk through. “You left me all alone down there.”

Shauna sighs softly as she looks at her husband, and you quickly try to fix your black makeup. You quickly lie: “Sorry, Jeff. The door was open, and I got emotional. I needed a moment. Sorry I stole your wife.”

You felt a sting of guilt when you knew what you said was truer than he knew.

Jeff nods his head and smiles softly. “It’s okay. Shauna, if you wanna go, we can go.”

Shauna doesn’t react to his words or your lies. She walks past him and says, “We just have to make it through dessert.”

“To Jackie, whose light shone too bright ever to be extinguished from our memories. Happy Birthday, baby.” Mrs. Taylor roasted, you all held up refilled mimosas. You smiled widely as you looked at her.

“Happy birthday.” Mr. Taylor agreed as he momentarily looked up to the ceiling and sipped.

“Cheers.”

“Happy birthday, Jackie!” You say with a cheerful smile as you sip your drink, you don’t stop yourself from drinking it all in one go. “To Jackie.” Shauna adds,

“We’re reading Elena Ferrante in our book club, and it reminds me so much of you girls.” Mrs. Taylor says as you take a piece of cake.

You nod as you push a hair behind your ear, “Oh! Which one? Lost daughter, Days of abandonment?

“My Brilliant Friend.” She beams happily and looks at you as if you were the smartest person she has ever met. You feel yourself pinch a smile back at the mention of the book. Of course, she would think of Jackie when reading that book. “It can’t always have been easy for you, Shauna. Jackie was just so… gifted. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must’ve been, for both of you, to always comparing yourselves to someone so beautiful and smart. ” Mrs. Taylor ranted as she ended, her emotions painting brightly in grief.

You wanted to scream. You never knew why there was so much animosity toward Shauna, but you knew that at some level, everyone saw the marriage as one Shauna stole from Jackie. Shauna was living the life Jackie would have had if she had survived.

“Shauna got into Brown.” Jeff defends with a slight move of his hand. He was over this whole facade. “She’s, uh, the smartest person I’ve ever met. Are-are you a genius?” Jeff turns his head to Shauna to ask. You smile lightly as you eat more of the cake, letting everything happen before you.

Shauna is stunned to silence as she opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Jeff asks again, “Did you ever take one of those tests? You should take one of those.”

“I haven’t.” Shauna bashfully looks down, quiet, uncomfortable with everything. You couldn’t help but feel the same.

“Shauna and I were sleeping together when Jackie and I were a couple.” Jeff blurted out to the old couple. You choke on your mimosa as you try to sit up straighter at the news; a little juice falls on your shirt. There was silence at the table as Mr. and Mrs. Taylor looked on with horror. You couldn’t help but look at Jeff with wide eyes. “Which is, obviously, you know, a shitty thing. But there it is.”

Mrs. Taylor sends a look to Mr. Taylor as ‘I told you so’ as you put down your drink. You wanted another cigarette.

“Because the truth is that Jackie was amazing.” Jeff sighs as he looks at the couple, “But so is my damn wife. And she still is. And I may have been an Idiot then, but I was smart enough to see that.” Jeff looks around the table, and for a moment, your eyes lock together, and you give him a nod of approval. He did right by Shauna, defending her but exposing that was wild.

“And this really is the best Tuna Quiche I’ve ever tasted, Mrs. Taylor.” He added as he toasted to Mrs. Taylor.

You just sit still in your seat for a moment as you find your words: “I found out in the wilderness.” You say as you look at the Taylors. As you spoke, you could see shock written on their faces, adding to this scandal. “It was heartbreaking, but even then, I knew it was them being stupid and not understanding the gravity of how it would hurt Jackie.” You confess as you frown for the first time since being here.

You sigh as you look up to the couple. “Jackie was our best friend. She drank Rum milk punch at parties, and stole your Valium for the trip, and she used to talk about how my arms were chucky. She wasn’t perfect, and I don’t want to remember her that way. She was Jackie. Our Jackie. No amount of years or regrets will change that. She would be happy knowing we all still come together for her birthday; she was humble enough for that.”

You smile and raise your glass again. After your speech, the couple smiles weakly as they agree, and Shauna and Jeff go along.

‘96

After comforting Jackie and trying to bite your tongue about Natalie, you decided you needed to let yourself vent for a moment. With a growl in your stomach, you crawl up the stairs to the attic, logging your emotional day. Exposing every secret, every dirty detail of your night with Natalie, how you’ll go to hell for lying to Jackie for so long. You cuddled in your blankets and didn’t look up when Taissa approached the attic.

She started to unbutton her shirt without even greeting you and paused for a moment. Then, she approached your shared pile of clothes and grabbed Shauna’s white push-up bra.

“Um- Where’s Shauna?” Taissa snaps to you with a grave tone. You turn your head to her as you put down your journal. You don’t understand why the importance right now. You then look at the bra in her hand at the rough cut on the inseam; the wire was ripped out.

You shoot up from your bed, “Oh my god! Shauna!” as you run out of the attic. Taissa is right behind you as you stumble out off the ladder. Once your feet find ground, Taissa slides down the ladder and rushes past you against all your might. She was on the actual soccer team; she ran outside.

Misty spun around to you while holding a cup of ‘medicine’ for Ben. She asked you with furrowed eyebrows, “(Y/n), everything okay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it, Misty!” You dismissed her as you moved her out of your way, softly, as she stared at the back of your head when you stormed outside.

You come to the door when Taissa grabbed Lottie’s shoulders and asked, “Lottie, have you seen Shauna?”

“Uh…”

“Lottie, have you?!” Taissa pressed harder as you approached the girls, who were already slightly out of breath.

“I think she went that way. Wait! Uh…!” Lottie stops as she looks concerned at Taissa. "Were- were you outside last night eating dirt?”

You paused as you looked at Taissa with wide eyes. The night with dirt under her nails comes to mind.

“What the actual fuck! No!” Taissa hisses as she turns around to run into the woods to find Shauna.

Lottie grabs your arm before you can follow behind her, “Is everything okay?”

You push her hand off as gently as you can as you say, “No, stay here! Don’t tell anyone about this!”

You pull away from her completely, noticing how concerned she was about you and feeling touched by it. Then, from a distance, you follow behind Taissa.

You weren’t in shape before the crash, and you had only lost weight from not having enough to eat. You weren’t doing your best as you panted through the greenery. You were still behind Taissa by a few feet.

It felt like hours as you ran behind Taissa. She stopped to look around momentarily, and you leaned your hands on your knees as you desperately tried to breathe. You saw a footprint in the moss that led to your left. You and Taissa continued as you found your breath again.

You two finally find her sitting against a tree with a blanket under her body. She laid out her supplies beside herself. “Shauna!” Taissa yells as she turns the corner of the tree. Shauna is lighting the end of the wire with your weed lighter.

Witch hazel. A underwire. A lighter. A rag.

You felt your lip curl into a sob when you looked at the broken girl on the forest floor. You couldn’t stomach that this is what you have. You were shaking when you came over to her side, Taissa the other, as you looked over her body.

“Okay. Okay. Um…” Taissa processes as she sees what is before her; she is trying to stay strong. “You’re not going to do this alone, okay?”

You nod your head as you kiss Shauna’s temple. “We’re going to be right here for you. I promise. I will always love you, Shauna.”

Shauna’s lip quivers as she rests her head in your chest. She cries heartily, and Taissa grabs the wire from her hand. She took in a deep breath as she positioned herself in between Shauna’s legs. “I’m going to help you,” Taissa says as she takes another big breath. “If you let me.”

Shauna pulls her head out from your breasts to look at Taissa, and she nods her head. She couldn’t muster up any words for this moment. “Okay.”

You rub her shoulders as you move behind her. You lean Shauna into your body as you hover over your back, putting your legs beside her body to stabilize her. All you could muster in comfort was a shaky, “It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay, Shauna.”

Taissa puts up her curls in a ponytail as she then leans down to perform an abortion as best she can. Shauna lets a shakily breath as she leans down on your body and slides to rest on your stomach. You pet her hair gently and feel fat tears roll down your cheeks. You look at every curve of Shauna’s face, fearing it will be the last time you see it. Shauna nods as Taissa places her hand on her thigh to move the wire inside. You couldn’t help but hiccup a sob as you say, “It’s okay.”

Shauna was panting as you tried to comfort her with your hand in her hair, your kisses to her temple, but she was panicking softly as Taissa inserted the underwire. You hid your eyes into Shauna’s shounder as it shook. You couldn’t watch this. “Okay. Keep going.” Shauna whimpers to Taissa below.

You slowly breathe as you rub her arms and hear Taissa sniffling back. She cries as she pushes the wire further in. Shauna shakes in pain as an agonizing moan comes from her mouth. She bites her fist as Taissa continues to press inward, and she whimpers, but it becomes hard to hear anymore. “I love you, Shauna. Everything will be okay.” You whisper into her ear.

Shauna sobs into her fist and yells, “Stop! Stop! Take it out! Take it out!”

Taissa takes it out as soon as she hears Shauna’s cries. She starts crying as Shauna sits up. “I can’t do it! I can't do it!” Shauna sobs.

You hug your arms around her shoulders as you kiss her temple. Taissa rushes over to hug Shauna’s waist, and Shauna clings onto both of you. “I know! I know. It’s okay.”

Shauna sobs into Taissa's chest, “I don’t want to die!”

You sob yourself as you hear her say that. You rub her back and say, “I won’t let you die, Shauna. You’re not going to die.”

“It’s okay.” Taissa cries as she hugs onto Shauna.

And for a moment in those woods, you all three cried like children in each other's arms. Then, you all quietly, without any words spoken, walk back to the cabin as the sun sets in the distance. You hold onto Shauna’s hand as you walk back and tuck her into bed as soon as you all return. You don’t even think about your journal that wasn’t on your bed anymore.

#yellowjackets x reader #yellowjackets #a certain hunger #lesbian #natalie scatorccio x reader #misty quigley x reader #taissa turner x reader #van palmer x reader #shauna shipman x reader #natalie scatorccio #lottie mathews #lottie mathews x reader #melissa yellowjackets #melissa hat

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