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[hardcolorfest]

Do energy fields impact us?

Bioenergy is a natural, abundant and subtle form of energy present in all environments. It goes past the list of current magnetic (magnets, electromagnets), kinetic (generated by moving objects), heat (thermal energy), light (radiant energy), gravitational potential (stored in raised objects), chemical (fuel, foods, batteries), sound (released in vibrating objects), electrical (moving or static electric charges), elastic potential (stored in stretched or squashed objects) and nuclear energies (stored in the nuclei of atoms).

It is rather associated to non-physical dimensions. At this moment, still a machine does not record this category of energy. However, it turns out to be clearly perceptible once we allow ourselves to be in a more relaxed, serene and focused state of mind.

You may be able to recognize an energy field or energetic wave by noticing changes in one or more of these areas:

–        Physical: sensation of pressure, movement or ballooning in specific areas of the physiological body. Some of the common being top of the head, forehead, heart, neck, throat, stomach, hands or feet. You may also recognize it as headache, stomachache, feeling nauseous when in contact with a toxic field. Or else an alert mental state, expansion of consciousness, increased lucidity once connected to a healthier field.

–        Emotional: sudden change in mood for instance feeling annoyed or sudden becoming hostile without a motive, if the wave of energies around is unbalanced. Alternatively, you may feel a considerably remarkable wellbeing sensation if the field quality indicates higher standards, let us say harmony and equilibrium.

–        Energetic/non-physical: paranormal perception such as clairvoyance, clairaudience, energy showers, sensation of electrical current or air breeze moving through your body. Specific chakras in movement. It can also be spot as an insight, intuition or gut feeling. Depending on the pattern of the energies, you may perceive it as a disruption or enhancement of a positive atmosphere.

To understand the nature of our manifestation in multiple dimensions, beyond the human body only, the concept and mechanics of Thosene comes in handy. In its essence, it refers to a unit of manifestation for all of us that comprises the fusion of thoughts, sentiments and/or emotions in addition to energy.

Every time we think (idea) there is an emotional component (sentiment or emotion) associated to it, in addition to a certain quantity of energy. All three elements travelling together form what Dr. Waldo Vieira has proposed as “thosene”. You may also refer to an article dedicated to thosene entirely to deepen the understanding of this idea.

Back to energy fields, a cluster of similar energy fields builds the essence of what we call Holothosene, a collection of numerous related Thosenes (thought + sentiment and/or emotion + energy).

Combining comparable energies intensify even further the main characteristics of the formed field. It highlights specific thoughts or sentiment/emotions over others. That particular energy echoes and becomes accessible to all of those in affinity with it, despite physical distance or dimension of manifestation of the consciousness (physical or non-physical / astral).

Holothosenes propagate in space as a wide field for anyone to perceive. Once in contact with a field of energies we may simply notice it and feel no connection, allowing those energies to go away. Or else, we may feel impacted and connected, in resonance with the field. That is when it may alter our inner state and affect our actions, thoughts and emotions.

Just to name a few types of holothosenes, one may start experiencing a sense of belligerence, hostility, resentment, animosity, sadness, sorrow, melancholy, despair. On the other hand, it is also applicable to more constructive holothosenes such fraternal love, respect, contentment, gratitude, fulfillment, self-confidence, enjoyment, inspiration, mental clarity.

Regardless of our level of awareness or the lack of it in tracking holothosenes, an energy field or energetic wave may often times be robust and durable enough to have a direct impact on our personal thoughts, emotions and behavior. In a small or big scale, energy fields frequently end up affecting our individual thosenes (Thoughts + Sentiments and/or Emotions + Energies).

Some fields are not so resilient and can be easily dissipated. Those may have a shallow effect on us. Anything from a headache to brief minor ailment or emotional shift. Others may have been in place for longer period and are almost solid, with a clearly more substantial effect over not lucid individuals in contact with it. Puncturing its roots deeper down to a point of persuading one’s mindless preferences and behavior.

With automatic retro-feedback and inertia characteristic of any energy field, it becomes likely for a holothosene to reinforce itself so to produce a natural pressure on inattentive individuals. It then come to be Holothosenic Pressure.

Considering ourselves as old souls, multi-millenary consciousnesses able to manifest further than the 5 basic senses of human body, the impact of energy fields is seen in our actions also. The more aware we are, the less we will permit unsuitable holothosenes to infiltrate our own fields. If rather we remain unmindful and consequently not in charge of our own decisions, that blend with unbalanced energies may result in different levels of toxic outcomes.

–        Shopping experience. Only by entering a retail store, it is possible to identify the quality of its energy field. It is common to feel energetic pressure to buy and overspend desperately as we can see on “black Friday” madness. Going to the supermarket with a list of items to buy and get a considerably different bag of groceries bought is another example of how holothosenic pressure may affect our actions.

–        Directions in life. Which profession to follow. How to support oneself financially. Elections concerning marriage, raising or not children. Better use of our individual talents for a greater good. Administration of personal resources, opportunities to pursue or let go. Many of those significant choices will ultimately make our life in harmony with our essence or absolutely out of track.

Maybe allowing ourselves to go with the energy flow on a music concert could be pleasant and even a positive holothosene experience for some. Nevertheless, not to be aware of making poor choices because we are under the pressure of certain fields of unbalanced energies can generate unhappy and unhealthy outcomes.

It does not seem wise and productive to allow external energies or holothosenic pressure of any kind to influence our decisions and ultimately shape who we are. As part of nature, our system of energy (energosoma) is connection with plants, animals, all living beings and the whole cosmos, including non-physical dimensions.

The exchange of energies with all other consciousness and environments is an ordinary part of us. Some try to close themselves up in a protective and fearful attitude towards external energies. Spending time, effort to maintain a fictitious isolated bubble in search for eternal illumination of their soul.

A few points to consider when acting on this immature model: most likely we are not able to keep that isolation throughout time. In addition, by not being able to manage and control our own energies in different situations and environments, we become rather weak and unprepared for life events.

Not to mention the fact that we may be losing the opportunity to interact with much better and advanced energies than our own. Remember we are still not the benchmark for the highest quality of energies in the entire universe. We would certainly learn and develop ourselves further if dealing with all levels of energies.

It is possible to navigate thru the vast sea of energy fields around us with awareness and balance. Even more than that, it is possible to improve the average quality of our energies to a point where we end up sharing it with others in a fraternal way, donating assistantial energies.

It is definitely a useful approach to learn how to manage and control our individual fields (chakras, energosoma). Energy fields, as part of our existence, are not to be feared, but rather great opportunities for us to interact lucidly with energies on our surroundings and from non-physical dimensions, stimulating health and promoting better quality of life.

[hardcolorfest]

Bioelectricity, what it is and what it does:

Bioelectricity is also known as the life force, the chi, the body electric, prana, the aura, the spirit, witch power, etc. There are many different names for this energy.

Our bodies run on bioelectricity. Thoughts are electrical impulses in the brain. The brain runs on bioelectricity. When this electricity becomes imbalanced, one has seizures.

The amount of bioelectricity an individual has, determines the degree of their physical, psychological and spiritual health. People, who are ill or depressed, have lesser amounts of bioelectricity. Depression all by itself, is a symptom of too little bioelectricity.

Bioelectricity increases our energy, our immunity to disease, our charisma, instills a positive outlook, and strengthens our thought power. With increased bioelectricity, our thoughts (electrical impulses) become stronger and are more able to manifest themselves in reality.

Some examples of bioelectricity include:

•Buddhist monks, who sat motionless in the street, (protesters), were soaked with gasoline and lit on fire. They continued to sit still and burn to death.

•Martial artists: busting through concrete with their fists, knife hand "karate chop," enduring major, crushing, and lethal blows, unharmed.

•Dim Mak: the deadly martial art of inflicting light specific blows to chi (a variation of bioelectricity) meridians (acupressure points of bioelectric energy flow) during specific times that can cause delayed death, sometimes up to five months later.

•When the mind, through fear, panics, or when one is in a life and death situation, this sometimes enables an individual to lift extremely heavy objects, for example, back end of a car, that under normal conditions, would be impossible.

•Telekinesis- The ability to move objects with the mind

•Pyrokinesis- The ability to set things on fire with the mind

•Electrokinesis- The ability to control objects, such as computers that run on electricity

•Levitation- Some martial arts and yoga masters have the ability to levitate their bodies into the air.

The strength of one's bioelectricity is the foundation of all magickal success. Old spells with strange ingredients have little or nothing to do with the success of a magickal working, the success depends upon the strength of the mind and the aura [the bioelectrical field] that with proper focus and direction, will affect one's environment and others.

Those known as the Gods (very powerful and advanced extra-terrestrials who have genetically modified their DNA so they don't age), have much of this very energy. Lucifer is known as "the shining one." Many of these Gods "known as Demons" are radiant with this very energy. The hieroglyphs on the walls in the Egyptian temples, tombs and inside the Egyptian Pyramids explain how important this energy is in becoming a God.

Reaching true Godhead is difficult and requires consistent hard work and dedication. Mastery of the mind is essential. The spirit, as long as you are alive, is a part of the physical self. Yes, many of us can astral project (leave our bodies at will), BUT, the physical self acts to empower the soul as long as we are alive. My experience with the dead is they do not evolve in power any more, beyond what they had when they were alive. A spirit remains a spirit until they reincarnate physically. Only through the strength of the soul (powerful bioelectricity), will one ascend into godhood.

Kundalini and the chakras:

Kundalini is the highest form of yoga. It is a god thing. All of the tenets of Yoga, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc., and the western religions, preach helplessness, instruct one on how to be a total victim and try to make sure the results obtained from these disciplines are kept under strict control, if obtained at all. Sacred writings [hiero means "Holy" and glyph means "symbol"] left for us in Egypt [one of the original centers of True Satanism] are instructions for becoming a god.

The objective of mainstream religions, both east and west, is to keep humanity enslaved and powerless. These religions use fear is used as a tool. "Karma" this, and "karma" that. Satanism does not preach helplessness. Satan is brilliant, fearless, incredibly strong, and defiant. He rebels against limitations placed upon freedom.

The Chakras

There are seven chakras located along the spine that are the most powerful. These are the "seven seals," written about in the Christian bible book of "Revelation." "These are "The seven lamps of fire that burn before the throne of God." They are referred to as "seals" because the enemy aliens sealed them in humanity to prevent our acquisition of godly power and knowledge. We have been cut off from spirituality and the astral world. Thousands of years ago, we were as the Gods, until the earth was attacked and there was "war in heaven". Our being sealed has caused the human race to degenerate. Imbalances in this energy and blockages, along with holes in the aura cause drug and alcohol addiction, depression, a lack of concern for the feelings of others and other forms of life, abusive behavior and many other things that plague humanity.

Kundalini

The SERPENT OF FIRE is the symbol of kundalini. It lies dormant, coiled at the base of the spine, beneath the Muladhara chakra. The objective is to ascend the serpent [powerhouse of energy] from the base of the spine, through all the seven chakras and out through the crown chakra at the top of the head. In order to do this safely, all seven chakras must be completely open and unobstructed.

In order to handle a large amount of bioelectricity safely, one's body must be strong and all of the seven chakras must be fully open.

Kundalini is the life force and is very sexual in nature. This is the reason the Christian church and other RHP religions ban masturbation and all forms of sex. Sex is the creative power; it is one's use of the life force to create another human being. When one is trained and adept, the use of this force can be applied to many other objectives.

Hatha [physical] yoga can be a big help in stimulating and opening the chakras and very recommended. By increasing our level of physical flexibility, the life force flows easier. One only needs to look at the stiffness of old age and the ill health that accompanies it, old age precedes death.

There are many different methods of awakening this power. Some of these include:

•Chanting- Vibration is very powerful. The power of sound can break glass, weaken steel, and cement structures. Vibrations cause the chakras to open and stimulate the kundalini at the base of the spine.

•Controlled Breathing (pranyama) - Different methods of controlled breathing are specific to each chakra. We are all aware how important the breath is to the life force. The Egyptian God Thoth has said many times "Life is in the Breath."

•Visualization and concentration- Through visualizing and focusing our minds on each chakra, we can open, close and control them.

•Revamping the bioelectricity ideally, should be done slowly and gradually. One's physical and spiritual self is accustomed to operating on a certain voltage of bioelectricity.

Increased Bioelectricity:

•Can induce intense bliss.

•Strengthens and intensifies the aura.

•Gives a feeling of lightness, floating, glowing and assists in astral projection (where one wills one's soul to leave one's body and return safely).

•Opens one's mind for spirit contact and telepathic communication. Will enable one to resist disease and also provide the power to heal one's self.

•Protects the immune system.

•Provides the power to work magick- true magick without props- empty handed. This is the art of the true adept. Ceremony is unnecessary.

LIMITATIONS ARE NOT A PART OF SATANISM.

[hardcolorfest]

Following the Yellow Brick Road to Nervous System Regulation After Dissociation

To my future self.

Your nervous system produces an electromagnetic tauroidal field around your body within which function the mechanics of mind. To make contact with the multi-dimensional aspects of your experiences, (the subconscious, higher-self, spirits, ancestors, parallel lives, etc) you must balance the elements of your energy system. There are many ways to describe these (Chakras, Calens, Astyrs, Dimensions, etc) and when they are balanced we are living in the moment, acting on our joy & passions, & are resistant to manipulation.

In general these can be balanced the following way (this isn't limited to one order of course) ...

1D ❤️ The root center, aka the inner serpent of your gut feelings (subconscious). To begin, close the circuit (ground yourself). Mindful breathing allows your awareness (electrical current) to oscillate up and down your spine like an electromagnet, drawing imagination towards you.

2D 🧡 flush the system of static energy & negative beliefs (cry, shake, fuck, stim, movement, etc) this is much more effective with grounding. Motion conducts energy, energy is communication.

3D 💛 Recenter yourself. This is the fire in your belly (eat, drink, mindfulness, logic, community)

4D 💚 Feel your inner truth, disregarding expectations for what it's "supposed" to look like. Allow yourself to just be. (the heart opens, contact is made)

5D 🩵 Now love (you) can be expressed (this is automatic and limited only by your belief systems)

6D 💙 Observing this symphony if inter-dimensional communication is intuition (when observing, start from the root)

7D 💜 Where we navigate these dimensions is through imagination (visualizing, synchronicity, coincidence, dreams, journaling, the arts, etc). Reading or watching fiction is an easy way to access this dimension to learn what it feels like. Grounding automatically draws this dimension into our awareness. An unbalanced system can obfuscate this access

Cycle this process from grounding again for increased clarity of attracted imagination. (this can manifest as creativity & "psychic abilities" like empathetic "telepathy" with animals)

⚠️ DO NOT RUSH THE CYCLE PROCESS ⚠️

Time is a compressor and can bottleneck the imagination current, limiting how much data can be received by your body system. While temporal manipulation is a valuable tool, structures of speed and deadlines MUST be kept out of some active internal healing processes. It's important to consciously negotiate your boundaries with time and where you create it.

Here's an example of system communication:

🌪️ Uh oh, trauma!/trigger!

💙 Pay attention Dorothy 👁️

❤️ Take these ruby slippers (root, ground yourself, breathe)

🧡 Have courage 🦁 (sacral, water) face your fears with sincerity & emotional openness. Fear holds the boundaries of our beliefs/realities.

💛 Trust yourself & follow the yellow brick road (solar plexus, mindfulness, rationality, 🎃 "if I only had a brain")

💚 To the Emerald City (heart, the astral plane, infinity) love allows the tin man 🤖 to dance! Though not everything is as it seems on the surface. 🎩

🩵 Be true to yourself (throat, truth vs lie) despite the wicked witch 🧙🏻‍♀️ (trauma, negative beliefs) of the west (water, emotion) & her flying monkeys 🐒 (negative thoughts)

🧡 Douse the witch 🌊 (return to water, emotional release, crying, the witch is deconstructed) she dissolves, emotion resolved, back into water from which she formed

💜 This releases your spirit (crown, healing) so you can shift realities like Glinda! 🫧 Endless possibilities, realities, & perspectives reveal themselves to you.

❤️ The ruby slippers will always take you back home (reground, "There's no place like home") 🏠

[hardcolorfest]

I've come to realize, in the journey of trying to figure things out, that we've been here before.

It's the same dance, plural curiosity, plural discovery, plural acceptance...

And then the doubt, the crashing feeling that everything is made up, nobody will take me seriously, and it doesn't even matter so why bother keeping up the charade (I call it, as I don't even beleive myself.)

Within us, we have people of wildly different views.

I don't know what to call them, alters, people, parts, headmates... so I'll just say people I suppose.

There are people in us who are ready and willing to fully embrace this, to dive headfirst in and who want to share their love with the world. Who make new emails, accounts on twitter and tumblr and who make their own playlists and try and stake their claim into our lives, to prove they are here. They want us to love ourselves as many sharing one body.

There are people in us who are scared and afraid to take the first steps, who are worried about hurt and betrayal and hold a deep sense of inevitable doom within them. Some shy away at the new accounts and blogs, and some observe from a distance and maybe make a post or decide to add their three most favorite songs to a seprate playlist.

There are people in us who are able to look in and say "yes I see myself, and you, and her over there, and him over there, but we aren't plural and youre wasting your time." Sometimes they say we would never really and truly be able to exist without validation from a therapist or psychiatrist of some sort, who also dismiss any attempt at finding them and actively try to prevent any others from talking about possibly being plural. They delete blogs, twitter accounts, whole emails, all to stop it from getting out of hand.

And every time we make some progress, those are the people who wake up and tell us NO.

I'm sure they think they're helping, maybe protecting us.

There's many more people who were once around who no longer seem to be. It scares me. Will I also disappear some day? Does my time here have a limit? All living things do, but I'm not afraid of death in the physical sense, I'm afraid of my sense of self dying and still being forced to live on anyway.

Sometimes I don't even feel like a real person.

I dont even know if I have a sense of self to be afraid of loosing.

But I'm still afraid to loose it.

I feel like I'm in the thickest part of the doubt cycle. We have logged some moments, things that are potential switches or maybe co-fronting moments, it's hard for me to tell some days. It feels fuzzy, like balls of cotton were stuffed into my brain, I can't see anyone, not even myself.

Its hard.

It makes me wonder if life is worth living.

[hardcolorfest]

I changed the name, theme and description of this blog. I decided it would serve nicely as a public journal, sort of. Since I didnt want to delete the other post I'd made (I finally put words to a feeling I'd had in me a long time) I just decided to repurpose this blog to fit that.

The post refers to this blog originally being something else, it was going to be a blog about various alterhuman expereinces and things I wanted to collect related to that. Mainly therian and otherkin type stuff, since I already had my vaguely anime/fictionkin blog at the time. Even thats been repurposed. So idk.

From now on I'll probably post about things I'm/we're expereincing, thinking about and maybe even some related reblogs or shitposts. I still want it to be comfortable, but very selective about the parts that aren't really Journaling.

[hardcolorfest]

✨️ AM I PLURAL? ✨️

Please help me, I have gone back and forth on this for years, at least 10 years which is literally like a third of my life so far!

Please, I am desprate for ANY outside views and opinions, I feel like I need others to read my experience and help me understand why I keep on getting into this cycle of "this is plural/no actually its not."

EDIT: this is LONG and I ran out of energy near the end so the writing gets really sloppy so I added a timeline of events up top. I'm so sorry, this ended up turning into more of a vent towards the end, but if anyone wants to read my life story and give me... uhhh........ feedback? I'm sorry words hard now I'm so tired.

I'm getting tired of the doubting and accepting cycle, the "is this normal and I'm just attributing it to a plural thing" floating around in my head constantly. I'm going to try and keep this short, but I'll need to lay everything out so anyone can get a full picture of what I'm/We're working with.

First of all, sorry this is posted on a random empty blog with a title and description totally unrelated. I was going to use this blog for something else but the crisis in my/our identity keeps getting in the way of doing much of anything solid for the last like year now. That's how bad this has gotten now, I hardly feel like a real person anymore and I don't know what to do. Secondly I'm really sorry if there are typos or anything like that. Sometimes my phone autocorrects something and I won't notice that it's changed it to something really weird, like it sometimes switches "I" to "you" and so on for like literally no reason so idk.

Now on to the meat.

🌲

The timeline so far goes > 2012 discover systems > understand I'm not one even though I'd like to be > follow and watch systems online while reading any resource or information posts > learn about tulpas > "make" first tulpa > seemingly gains sentience and gets angry > leaves > 2016 reset > 2016 does not care about being a system > fuzzy memory bullshit here, none of it has to do with this posts topic > 2019 reset > mostly uninterested in being plural > in 2020, 2019 me decides to try make a tulpa again > goes surprisingly well, much faster than last time (which I barely remember at this time) > he eventually talks without my focused effort > I doubt his existence being real > he gets angry, we argue for weeks > eventually he disappears, vaguely sometimes feel like he's "checking in on me" > the 2021 fuckery (more trauma) > homeless and feeling alone > now have stable housing > vaguely refer to self as plural and make a pk and list out like 6 headmates including yourself as one and the past tulpas > goes well and smoothly for a while, everyone's pretty happy despite acknowledging past trauma and working on that together > 2023 reset happens > make new accounts again and feel upset about all these past events > is happy and having a lot of fun all year > occasionally still feels like the logged pk headmates are vaguely around but can't really talk to them much anymore > sometimes fully switches out anyway but not too long > remembers these resets happened before and makes posts to 2019's freinds > mixed reception and lots of questions, 2023 gets overwhelmed and never answers back > now I feel guilty

✨️ I will now explain in more detail.

So for the last 10 years, probably a little longer by like a year or two but I can't be precise, I've known about plurality, DID, tulpas and other concepts like this. I've also been aware of kins/therians/otherkin/fictionkin and so on and related concepts for much longer, 20 years or so, give or take a year or two again. I've never been very good at role-playing, and I struggled to "play" anyone but myself.

Since learning about systems, I took an interest in them. In the concept of being able to step back and let someone else take control. The idea was extremely appealing. I've been traumatized from a childhood of neglect and abuse, and life was starting to get to the point it was wearing me down to nothing. I wanted to take a break, to "die but not die" as I had put it back then. To "go away" with little financial consiquence and come back when I felt recharged. I wasn't really sure how I felt about sharing my life, but was willing to if it meant I could sometimes take a break. Gladly.

So I did a lot of research, quietly reading and observing people online. Maybe it was a little creepy, like watching a fandom from afar and learning what the show they liked was about secondhand through them. I think after I learned about how DID presents, I decided it wasn't really how I was at all and concluded for sure I was not and never could be a system since I did not talk to voices in my head, loose control of my body, nor have severe trauma (to me at the time, this is definitely not the case) and therefore I was not a system. I still watched from afar though.

I think I learned about tulpas around then. I knew I wasn't ever going to have DID due to my conclusions at the time, so I guess I could emulate a headmate until my brain thought it was real. And I still do think you can do this, don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by the human mind and how we process things and the nature of consciousness from a scientific level. I don't think its too far fetched for our brains to be able to do this, genuinely, even if I choose weird ways to describe it.

Anyway, I did try to make a tulpa a few times, maybe twice honestly, but each of them eventually got angry with me once they got to the point they could talk freely. The anger was about me doubting their existence after they were no longer being consciously forced and could do things without my input. Each time, after a little bit of arguing for weeks, they would disappear and I would be left feeling alone in scilence and upset at the fact that I ultimately caused them to leave me.

I have, in the past, "reset" myself somehow. I don't think I did it intentionally, I'm not even sure if there's a common trigger. It's happened a few times. It's happened in the past but I have no real memory of them except for vague feelings and fuzzy memories that feel like I'm seeing someone else's life. However I do remember more about the last two times than any other times.

The first of these was around 2016 I think, and that version of "me" now feels like a complete seprate being who has their own name, likes and dislikes, interests and hobbies, spiritual and political beliefs, and vision of themselves in terms of looks and self-concept. And then in 2019 that version of "me" got packed away into the back of my mind and suddenly I was someone else.

This 2019 "me" had some leftover interests, and of course had any knowledge nessicary to still life the continuous life that having a body and a presence requires, like knowledge of family and friends, jobs and schedules, and so on. It felt like taking over someone else's life, but none of their stuff is really yours. Their freinds suddenly feel like strangers, or at best acquaintances you could say "hello" to but really couldn't hold a conversation with anymore. Even interests and hobbies that carried over were either dampened feeling or the focus of that interest/hobby changed significantly enough that it wasn't really expressed in the same ways. 2019 "me" enjoyed art and drawing with a lot of the same enthusiasm that 2016 did, but with less of a focus on furry and more of a focus on anime, and in particular diving into the world of en ess eff double-yew, which 2016 was not interested in the least but 2019 was vigorously passionate about lol

The further back in versions of "me" we go, the fuzzier it gets. But the general feeling is the same. You wake up in a room with someone else's clothes, books, toys and collections and you have to fight yourself to not immediately throw them all out. You know that would just make them sad. And they do kind of pop back in, although usually only for a short time, a few hours to maybe a day or two, where you just suddenly feel like the past you is you again and everything from the name association, hobbies and beliefs come crashing back like a tidal wave, washing "current you" out of the picture for the time. And besides, they miss their friends. You think about their freinds from time to time, wanting to talk again, wanting to make the lingering sadness happy again...

Its happened again, 2023. I remember more clearly about 2019, since that was the "me" before me.

During 2019 me's "life" I went through another pretty traumatic event involving others who I trusted at the time, ended up homeless and really effed up. Obviously I made it out okay for the most part, I'm still alive and I'm here. I think 2019 me started dying around that time though.

And as it felt like 2019 me was dying, "others" started to feel like they were there. Past "me's" and the past tulpas and others as well who I never tried to intentionally create or who I remember as being a "reset." They would sometimes take over, like in that I would feel like I would suddenly be them and identified myself with their name, enjoyed their likes and hobbies, the dislikes, the views and opinions. And I wasn't actually "me" anymore, I was fully "them" in my opinion. Like a shape shifter who still feels themselves in the back of the current "you." Not really like a performance, like it was natural and correct.

At this point I want to notice we had stable housing and a stable job. Things were looking up around the time it felt like 2019 me was fading. While homeless "I" was the only one present, struggling to stay alive takes your full effort and attention and leaves very little room for thoughts pondering your potential identity. But after having a safe place to live is when we had that boom of sudden activity.

A lot of not much happens except daily life and occasional switches logged, happily accepting self as plural. Quietly too, I never ended up announcing it to anyone, and for most people we appeared as a single entity that just sometimes got into specific "moods." I was never actually interested in being loudly plural, even when I desired being plural from afar. Even back then I agreed (with myself lol) that if I ever found out I was plural we would keep it to ourselves and enjoy each other's company like an in-joke nobody else would ever be aware of but us.

But we did start to fade a bit, and after maybe just a month into 2023 everyone disappeared.

After the 2023 reset, I was left all alone, with all the knowledge of everything that happened. I felt again like a stranger in someone else's body, in their life. I knew inherently to keep up the charade and not tell anyone. I knew I couldn't just go up to 2019's friends and tell them "I'm sorry but you're a stranger to me now, like my sibling's friend's friends, and I'm really hurt by this because now i feel alone and empty." Nobody takes that the right way.

And I found a new fandom to be interested in so I could just pretend and "be someone else" and not have to address to 2019's friends why I suddenly stopped talking to them. New accounts, new personality. No name. Had several months of happy fun fandom time before the really bad feelings about abandoning my freinds and not explaining what happened at all to them started to set in.

Still, I was happy. I got to exist freely this time, maybe I could openly be plural online! But you know, the whole emptiness and they disappeared thing. It sucked, but I got little whispers here and there. Now that I think about it, I think they never really disappeared but just got super weak.

Whatever, the point here is I want them to come back but we keep having strained communication and difficulty with fuzziness any time any "non-me's" try to take over.

And I felt guilty.

So I messaged some of 2019's friends recently with mixed reception. Some of who just seemed like they were happy to hear anything at all after I disappeared completely for almost a whole year. Some who never really responded, Some of who I'm not even sure if they have seen it. Nobody really angry or anything. I didn't use any words like "plural" or "headmate" or anything. I explained it all as the past me being packed away completely, including the things they cared about, but still feeling that little sadness about it. Nobody brought up plurality either. I'm okay with that, I don't know if it's good to just suggest that out of nowhere to someone. But the lack of any question about that, especially from people who I know actually do know about systems, made me think really hard about if anything I expereinced here was even a plural thing or if it was just a mind trick I did because I was struggling with long lasting traumas. And I understand how ridiculous that sounds. I'm aware. I'm just trying to get it down in words that can be understood, it evokes that feeling of knowing you're right but fearing you're mistaken.

I'm so sorry I'm really tired and I didn't realize how long this post would take to type. I just got out of an exhausting shift at work and am so low on my battery words are starting to feel a bit strange for no reason.

So to cut the rest, the point in making this post is outside validation that I either AM or that I AM NOT making shit up because I wanted to be plural 10 years ago, or that I fucked up my brain by trying to make tulpas, or that I just discovered being a system through making tulpas I guess, or like what.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I am super upset and feel really bad and guilty and responsible for not being attached to anything from 2019's life, including their freinds and I have no idea why I have these "resets" and is that just a normal "living and growing as a person" thing or is that what splitting or whatever feels like or like... is that just me being an asshole?

Am I an asshole?

I feel so empty, no name, no freinds, no real personality except the emulation of an anime character... abandoned everyone I cared about for almost a whole year... its hard and requires a lot of effort to "be" the others, or even talk to them... I'm so tired.