harshikasays

[harshikasays]

Sitting by this window in the evening with the sun shining on my face, drinking coffee and listening to songs just like I did 3 years ago. You know I’d tell you about it and you’d say the sunshine looks even prettier from where you’re sitting. But it’s not 3 years ago and I don’t listen to those songs anymore.

[harshikasays]

Everyone I know is haunted by so many ‘what it’s supposed to be likes’.

It’s raining outside. I’m not supposed to be working. I should be staring at the clouds and watching the grey take over everything instead. The sun is setting and the sky is all pretty. I’m not supposed to be holed up in my room, stuck staring at my laptop screen. I should be in my terrace listening to songs that make my heart ache in the best possible way right now. It’s 2 am I’m not supposed to be awake. I should be curled up in my blanket, drifting away in the comfortable darkness with nothing on my mind.

It’s july already. I should be happy.

[harshikasays]

everything changes so quickly.

the test scores that you thought will haunt you forever? you’ll forget about them. that college that you didn’t get into? you won’t even remember why you wanted to go there in the first place. that girl you thought was the love of your life? she’ll move on to find the love of hers. the year you hated so much? it’ll be gone in a single flip of the calendar. the friends you thought you’d still be hanging out with when you all turned 30 and had your own lives? you haven’t talked to them in a year. that one person who would always call to wish you a happy new year first? the phone didn’t ring this year. the boy you thought would break your heart? he makes you laugh now. your favourite songs from two years ago? you can’t even listen to them anymore without feeling too much. that perfect little life that you had all mapped out in your head? it looks a little different now.

[harshikasays]

Mind block babygurl mind block for your own good.

it hurts, my chest physically hurts to not be able to tell you that i’m in love with you

[harshikasays]

May the last four months of 2023 be the change you’ve been waiting for

[harshikasays]

Nothing from this world will ever hold any weight in my heart, everything is temporary. We are temporary.

[harshikasays]

girls vs getting over anything thats ever happened to them in their life

[harshikasays]

Everyone I know is haunted by so many ‘what it’s supposed to be likes’.

It’s raining outside. I’m not supposed to be working. I should be staring at the clouds and watching the grey take over everything instead. The sun is setting and the sky is all pretty. I’m not supposed to be holed up in my room, stuck staring at my laptop screen. I should be in my terrace listening to songs that make my heart ache in the best possible way right now. It’s 2 am I’m not supposed to be awake. I should be curled up in my blanket, drifting away in the comfortable darkness with nothing on my mind.

It’s july already. I should be happy.

[harshikasays]

I hate how the photo album on my phone hasn’t seen your face in months. I never understood what ‘a person can be home’ meant before you left me all alone here between these familiar 4 walls that hold your anger and know your laughter. I realized it when that first day I came home and you weren’t sitting in your spot, waiting to say hello in all the weird ways that we always used to. I felt it when later that night I kept waiting for you to walk in through the door and get into a fight with me over who gets to be in our room. A day passed and then another and I could no longer pretend that you were right here, at a friends maybe; that you’d be back in a few hours.

8 months have gone by since then; and yet, I still live in tiny pockets of moments when I have you here. I pretend the rest of my life isn’t real. Like it’s the advertisement between the show. I wonder if this will ever pass. If I’ll ever get used to a place without you. All I know is I really don’t want to.

[harshikasays]

[harshikasays]

[harshikasays]

I’ll always be the first person to look, and I’ll never look away. I’ll hold on to a single shred of what was till it turns to dust in my hand and then I’ll put the remains into the soil just to see if I can somehow grow a flower out of it. I’ll see you in everything, everyday. I’ll make excuses to bring you up in my own head, because remembering hurts better than the hollow feeling of having forgotten. And I’ll wait till you’ve bled me dry, till you’ve got nothing left to take, till you get bored, till you finally leave. I’ll wait till you pack up your things while still looking me in the eye and I’ll wonder if you can see me scream for you to stay on the inside. But you’ll zip up your bag, walk out that door, you won’t ever look back and I’ll just never know.

[harshikasays]

I’ll always be the first person to look, and I’ll never look away. I’ll hold on to a single shred of what was till it turns to dust in my hand and then I’ll put the remains into the soil just to see if I can somehow grow a flower out of it. I’ll see you in everything, everyday. I’ll make excuses to bring you up in my own head, because remembering hurts better than the hollow feeling of having forgotten. And I’ll wait till you’ve bled me dry, till you’ve got nothing left to take, till you get bored, till you finally leave. I’ll wait till you pack up your things while still looking me in the eye and I’ll wonder if you can see me scream for you to stay on the inside. But you’ll zip up your bag, walk out that door, you won’t ever look back and I’ll just never know.

[harshikasays]

Wish I had you. Wish I could get you back. Wish I never lost you. Wish I never had you. Wish I-

[harshikasays]

It’s like living in a hotel room. Something that’s yours but not really. Something that’s home, but not really. You try to make it your own. Even if it’s just for a little while. You hang clothes in the empty closet, you jump around on the bed and you fill the room with your smell and your voice. But when it’s time leave, you pack all your things back into your suitcase and you walk out that door. As you close the door behind you, you’re thinking about all the happy memories that you’ve made there. All the pretty photos you took so that you never forget what it felt like. And you don’t think the room would ever remember you again like you remember it, but it does. It remembers you by the earring you left behind on the pillow. It remembers you by the sock under the bed, by the empty coffee mug laying around long after you’re gone. You think you took back all that was yours but that’s impossible. Every place you go you leave behind pieces of you that you can never get back.

[harshikasays]

29 March 2023

A phase for you then a phase for another

A few days to you

A golden haze like it’s summer

[harshikasays]