hary-and-droc

[hary-and-droc]

[hary-and-droc]

Little baby felicity!

[hary-and-droc]

HARY AND DROC EXTRA SPECIAL CHRISTMAS CHAPTRE!11!!!!

Halla and velkommen to the Christmas Chaptre! As you may or may not know, there has been a lot of drama going on around hoggy during the past few months. But now it is christamas time, a most sepcial time of year, a time where everyone stops their worrying and celebrates the day without a care in the world. Where everyone stops their fighting and bickering, where everyone is friends again, no matter whether you are a huffle, raven, or groff. Not a slitther because they are mean all the time even chritsmas :(

And our chaptre starts at the groff in the door common room… t’was the night before christmas.. When all through hoggy, not a creature was stirring.. Not even scabbers, rons rat.

‘Hary whats on your christmas wish list?’ asked roon.

Hary sadly gased out the window. ‘I dont have any parents’ he mentioned glumly. ‘They died when i was just a child. I was forced to watch it with my own eyes. Some nights, i can still hear their screams.’

Hermy and ron shared an awkward glance. ‘I didnt mean what you want your parents to get you’ said roon. ‘I meant what you want snata to get you.’

‘Snata isn’t real, Ronny,’ said hary. ‘Snata is your parents.’

Roon hadn;t known this. Neithr had Nevil, who overheard their conversation. Nevil had decided to come out of his wheelbarrow for christmas because he wanted some figgy pudding. However, he was so sad upon discovering snata wasnt real that he ran back to his wheelbarrow immediately.

‘Roon, didn;t you know Snata was your parents?’ Hermy asked, she giggled.

‘Shut up hermy. Of course i knew. Why don’t you go back to the library?’

You are probaby wondering why hermy is back in 1996 instead of 1396 like previously. But the magic of chirstmas had bought her back to the present time to celebrate chritmas with her friends. Dont worry, she will go back soon.  

Hermy went to the libray to study for next term’s work. Hary and roon decided to get some figgy pudding at the 4 broomsticks.

Droc and Hary stopped fighting for the christmas season. Well, Droc stopped being angry at Hary for being obsessed with ginney and hary stopped being obsessed with ginney.

Hary invited droc to join him for a butterbear because roon had pulled out. He had to sned an owl to his mother. Hary caught a glimpse of what roon was writing before he left for hogsmeade. It said ‘why didnt you tell me’ ‘my whole life has been a lie’ and ‘can you send me some figgy pudding

‘hAlla!’ said droc. He was waiting outside the groff common room with a rose. He handed it to hary. ‘Merry christmas eve, hary.’

‘Thank yu droc!’ they kissed and had a quick makeout sesh before making their way to the 5 broomsticks.

‘Do you want some figgy pudding?’ asked natarshar. She and vlodkotmr were on a date at the 6 broomsticks.

‘No thanks’ said voltmort. ‘I dont like figgy pudding.’

‘Che? Why not” asked natarshar ‘figgy pudding is the beeeessstst. Now bring us some figgy pudding now bring us some figgu pudding…’

The waitress took down their order and went to bring them some figgy pudding, bring them some figgy pudding.

‘I dont like it because it reminds me of christmas. And i dont like christmas.’

NATARSHAR was stunned. ‘How can you not like chreitsmas!!11!!!’

Vodmort sighed ‘I just don’t.’

Natarshar was sad that someone could not like chirstmas. She knew there was something bothering her about the merry holiday. So Natarshar deicded that it was her mission to give voldmort the best chrotismas she could ever have!

Hary and Droc entered the 7 broomsticks and ordered a butter beer, along with some figgy pudding. While they waited, they noticed that voltmort was at the 8 broomsticks too, along with some woman. Hary thought she was quite attractice. Little did he know it was his pet bird. Gross.

Droc and Hary went over to say halla. ‘Halla’ said droc and hary.

‘Hello boys’ said voldmrd. ‘This is my girlfriend Natarshar’

Hary winked at natarshar. Natarshar awkwardly avoided eye contact.

‘What brings you two fine ladies to the 9 broomsticks on this fine evening’ droc said

‘Oh just eating some figgy pudding’ natarshar said

‘Me too’ hary said quickly. ‘I like your hairy legs natatshar’

‘Ew gross’ whispered natarshar

‘Back off’ said volfmord.

Hary remembered that he had a boyfriend. He can be quite forgetful like that sometimes. ‘Good evenin, girls. And merry christmas. Have a nice date.’ he said. He left with droc to his table to eat figgy pudding.

Back at Hoggy, snapps was busy brewing some go-away-christmas potion. He didn’t like christmas and wanted it to go-away, as the title suggests. Snapps didn’t like christmas because he doesn’t like anything. Except making potions and eating figgy pudding.

‘Hmm lets try this out’ he poured a sprinkle over a minature christmas tree. It turned into an easy-to-care-for house plant.

‘Good.’ said snapps. He had always wanted a house plat that was easy-to-care-for.  

You may remember that Dumbeldock won voldmot’s pet snake lingiuni in an intense game of wizard chess.

‘Hiss hiss motherfucka’ said lingiuni

Well volrtmord had been quite sad about losing his snake and Natarshar hadn’t know why. Until she notcied a picture of a snakker on her bedside table.

‘Whos that?’ asked nat

‘Hm? Oh, no one.’ vodrt said

Natshar could tell voldy was even sadder than ever. She didnt know why vodmo didnt like christmas, but she could try to get the snake back if it would cheer voldmo up. She didnt know who had the snake so decided to go to the smartest person she knew, hermy.

She snuck out while voldermot was sleeping and caught a cab over to hoggy. She only had a little time before she turned back into headlice, so she hurried.

‘Hermy. Wake up’ said natshatar.

Hermy was in the middle of a deam about figgy pudding and was annoyed to be woken up. ‘Who are you?’

‘No time to explain. I need to know where voldermorts snake is!’

‘Nevil killed it in the seventh book’

‘Hva?”

‘Wait nvm that hasnt happened yet. I think deumveldor won the snake in a game of wizard chess.’

‘Cool. whats it name?’

Hermy pondered. ‘I think its type of pasta. Fettucine, maybe?”

‘Cool thanks bye.’

Dumbedlros office was at the top of a lot of stairs. Natarshar missed her wings.

‘Knock knock’

‘Whos there’ said dumbel from inside his study

‘Natarshar,’ said natarshar

‘Natarshar who?’ Dumbeldore didnt know this knock knock joke.

‘Natarshar…. Potter.’ Natarshar realised she didn’t have a last name so she borrowed harys.

‘Omg a potter come striaght up what do you want i love potters.’

Dymbeldor was sirring in his office eating figgy pudding. Macaroni the snake was on the ground, too.

‘I want that snake!’ Natshar cried.

Dumveldroe was sad. ‘But this is my snake spaghettti i won in an intense game of wizard chess.. It’s mine..’.’.

But Natarshar was  a Potter and dumbelldoor loved pottrs so he gave the snake to Natarshar. ‘Takke good care of her.’

‘Oh, i will.’ Natarshar was happy that she found voldmorts snake, Gnocchi. She wrapped him up and put him under the christmas tree for chirtsmas morning.

‘HAPPY HOGGY CHRISTMAS’ said roon, waking hary up that next morning. It was 6am.

‘Omfg roon stop i need my sleep’

‘Theres figgy pudding downstairs, hary!’

Hary was tempted.

‘It’s fresh OUT OF THE OVEN.’

‘Omg sign me the fuck up mothafucker’ hary said, jumping out of bed and racing downstrais

‘Happy hoggy christmas Hermy!’ said roon as they entered the groof common room.

‘Happy hoggy christmas roon. Happy hoggy christmas Hary!’ said hermy.

Hary felt a tap on his shoulder. It was his boyfrined, droc! What was he doing in the groff common room? ‘What are you doing in the groff common room?’ hary said.

Droc held out some figgy pudding. ‘I bought this for you. Fresh out of the oven.’

‘Omg sign me the fuck up i love a good figgy pudding. Happy hoggy christmas, droc.’

Droc smiled. ‘Happy hoggy christmas, hary.’

On christmas morning, the magic of christmas had let Natarshar be a human for the day so she could join in on the chirtsmas festivities. She had booked voldmort and herself a table at hoggy for their christmas dinner feast. Natarshar was so excited to give her girlfriend the special present she had.

Unfonrtunately, voldmort was even sadder than ever !!11!! :(( what could it be? Natarshar could only hope that hoggy’s figgy pudding combined with her present would cheer voldemort up.

‘Halla and velkommon to the christmas feast.’ said dumedlro that night. All the students were very excited and Nevil had even come out of his wheelbarrow for the feast! Unfortniaely no one had booked him a table so he sat on the ground. At least he got to eat figgy pudding, though.

As you know, Snapps had perfectd his go-away-christmas potion and was waiting for the right time to strike. He snuck into the hoggy kitchen and while the house elves’ backs were turned, he put the potion into all the food!!!! It all turned into ordinary, boring food like pea soup and duck liver patte!!!

The house elves were astonished. What had happened to their perfect christmas  food? They cuoldnt serve the hoggy students this disguting food! What were they going to do??!?!???!?!/

FRONUBNATELY, DOBBI THE ELF SAVED THE DAY. ‘hey look friends there is one dish here that isn’t turned into normal food!’ the elves all gathered around to see the only dish that had been saved. The only food they could serve to the students. It was…. Figgy pudding.

‘Nice.’ said Nevil.

Everything was back to normal and everyone was happy. No one seemed to be complaining that the only dish on the menu that night was figgy pudding. Quite the opposite, actually.

When the christmas feast finished, Natatshar pulled out her gift and prestened it to Violdrtm.

‘Is thia for my brithday?’ voldrtmort asked.

Birthday? Why would voldrtmort assume that a gift given to him on christmas was for his birthday? Maybe it was because Natarshar had accidentally used birthday wrapping paper.  Unless….

‘Yes it is! Happy birthday, bolremort!’

‘Omg you remembered i thought you forgot thank you so much natastarhr this is the best birthdayever!’

Wait until you open the gift natarshar said.

Voldermort opened it and saw his snake, Lasanga. Except, Natarshar had accidentally kept the snake Carbonara in the box for a whole day and forgot to poke holes and he was actually dead.

‘You gave me a carcass of my old pet snakker?’ voldermort was confused .

Until HERMY saved the day because she is smart like that. ‘Abracadara!’ she said, and tortellini the snake was bought back to life! It was truly a happy ending.

So Hary and Droc were perfectly in love, roon found out snata isnt real (or is he?????) Hermy got to save the day, Snapps got the ruin the day (which ultimately saved the day), Dobbi also got to save the day, Dumbedlor got to learn a new knock knock joke, voldrmeort got her snake back, Natatshar remembered her girlfriends birthday, and nevil got to eat figgy pudding.

All was well.

Merry christmas to all and to all a good night!

BUT WAIT!! Someone crashed through the front door of hoggy. ‘I’m sorry I’m late’ he said! ‘I got lost in traffic. Omg yum do i smell figgy pudding??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?’

Everyone’s jaws dropped. It was STEVE HARRINGTON.  

‘Can i have an autograph?” said Shrek.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 12

Four and a half hours later, hary was nearing finally getting the ropes off his legs. He finished and jumped up. ‘Yeah!’ He was proud of himself for getting untied so quickly. Along the hall walked droc, who had just woekn up from a nap and was recovering frmo a concussion. Unfortunately he was left with an odd buise on his forhead. Droc and hary met each other in the corridor, and droc felt a bit sad after being rejected for the girl and civil rights human leader ginney. ‘What are those ropes for?’ droc ask Hary winked. Droc sighed and walked away. He had no time for games like these. Hary was confused but went to see what ginney was up to. Poor droc. The next quididicth game was that evening and everyone gathered excitedly to watch the game. Unfortunatly, what with all the drama and such going on latey, Hary was late and accidentay left his glasses on the side of the bathtub after his bath. He had invited Ginney, but she started talking about water restrictions in a town no one talked about. So Hary rushed over to the field and didnt realise his glasses were on the side of the bathtub unti he accidentaly walked into the huffle in the puff dressing rooms. ‘Halla hary what brings you here?’ asked ceredic diggy. Wait no he’s dead. ‘Halla hary what brings you here?’ asked a huffl in the puff member. ‘Um’ said hary. He didnt want to admit that he thought one of the huffle members looked like his team member Katie bell and had followed her into the dressing room. He decided to improvise. ‘I’m here to steal all your GAME PLANS’ ‘Woah what’ said a huffe member Too late ecause hary had said he was steling the huffe plans and now he had to do it because once hary set his mind to something, well, there was no creauture on this earth that could stop him!!!!!!!!!!! Except Dumbeldor. ‘I heard you were stealing the huffle plans right before a quidditch game. That is ilgleal in hoggy.’ ‘But keeping a huge evil snak in the basement of the school isnt?’ muttered hary ‘Hva?’ said dumbelle. ‘Nothing.’ Dembel and hary were were sitting in dumboldor’s office. Forks the pheonix was cAUSING an awful lot of racket, what with the burning going on a ndall. ‘Dont mind him’ dumbel said. Once hary had stolen the plans he had made his way to the gryff in the door dressing rooms to reveal the huffle plans to them (the plan was: play a fair game and hope no one gets hurt). but hary, not having his glasses, had accidentally walked into the grandstands and called out loudly to the teachers box ‘HEY GUYS LITEN UP I HAVE ALL THE HUFFLE PLANS SUCK IT YELLOW GROUPPA!’ ‘Four thousand, three hundred and twenty five’ mcgoganl said. So dumbellro had taken hary up to his office to ask wyh he felt the need to steal the plans from the huffle gorup. Quiddich is meant to be a fair game, after all. ‘wyh did you feel the need to steal the plans from the huffle gorup. Quiddich is meant to be a fair game, after all.’ dembeldor said. Hary once again was caught in a predicament. He could tell dumbeldor the truth - which was - he lied to the huffle people about stealing their plans because really he had just walked into the wrong room because he left his glasses by the bahtub. But hary wasn’t an ‘admitter’. So , naturally, he added another lie on top. ‘I stole the game plans because GURFF IN THE DOR IN THE BEST HOUSE AND WE DESERVE TO WIN AND ALL THE OTHER HOUSES DESERVE TO DIEEEEEEEEEEE’ Dumbeldroree gave hary detention for a month. Sometimes it’s better to just tell the truth, kids. Natarshar had noticed her legs were getting undeiably hairy. Of course, syhe could only wax them in the two hour window she had as a human, and that was meant to be her date with voldrtmort. They were going paintballing. Not knowing that voldtmor was secretly attracted to girls with hairy legs, natarshar booked her leg waxing appointment and told voldtmord they would have to make a raincheck for the next night. The quiddicth pitch was silent. The huffle members were standing, ready to play. So were the gryff in the dor players. Except for hary, who was recieving a detention as we speak. The stands were quiet as everyone wondered what was going on. The only osund was mcgoganl, who was coutning aloud for some reason. ‘Four thousand, four hundred and seven.’ she said

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 11

Droc was in the middle of atempting to kill the kind-hearted, onion smelling ogre Shrek to get the attention of his boyfriend, Hary. Roon was wondering if he could still get an autograph off shrek once the fighting had stopped. Headlice was in the owlerly thinking about voldoor, voordod was in the basement of the mafflososos house thinking about Natarshar. Hermy and Minvery were in 1396 playing their thirty second game of wizard chess, present day mcogoggl was onto her one hundred and fifty second flip, seamus and deen were holding hands and trying not to kiss (but really kissing), haggy was making tea, serious and remis were up to their usual tricks. Linguini was a snake, ginney was leading an evergrowing protest against climate change, and hary was desperatly following her to get her attention so he culd ignore her. Nevil was in a wheelbarrow for his third day in a row, but no one cared about that. ‘Ginney. Wait UP’ said hary. Ginney kept running, singing her climate change song to the tune of ‘we will rock you’ The sound of an orge call came from a couple hallways down, but hary ignored it. He had had his fair share of fighting ogres, especially ones that wre set loose by a dark arts teachets with turbans and faces on the backs of their heads. Hary perfomed the flick and whip gesture he had been learning in class, and all of a sudden ropes appeared and ginneys legs were tie and she was on the ground. She nearly got tramppled by her group of 100 or 200 students who were also protesting climate change (Silly deen and seamus). Hary wat are you doing said ginney. Hary helped her to her feet. Ginney didnt go in for a kiss. Hary frowned. ‘You need to stop saving the world. Im here’ hary winked and showed off his signature scar. He had gotten it at a very young age. ‘No,.... the polar bears! And the encinads. And the ducks and the rbead and thr VOLACNOES WILLLE RTUPTTPTUP’ GINNEY BEGAN SINGING AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE. Hary placed his hands on her mouth, but a muffled sound kept coming through. He went to use a silencing charm. ‘Silenc-’ Ginney, all of a sudden powerful with her new found purpose in life, roundhoused kicked hary in the face, broke hie wand over her knee and tied the ropes around his feet, all before hary could say the ‘o’ in ‘silenco’. girl power! Back in the hall, drc was in the process of stickning his wand up shreks nose. ‘Die ogre’ ‘No i am the kind hearted shrek from the movie franchise’ said shrek. Droc was a wizard so he didnt knwo what that was. mcgoalal entered the great halle of the food t get her daily asai bowl, but was baffled by the sight. Of course, cmggo couldnt repremand droc or tell him to stop or even ask who the green fella was in case she lost count. So far she was on flip one-hundred and sixty nine (wink). Mcgocnal decided to get her asai bowl and leave. Many of the muggle born students were trying to pull droc off shrek because they wanted an autograph. Many of the full-blood wizards were also baffled by the gree ogre in their school so were cheering for droc to kill the beast. It was very confusing. One of the baby photos that hary had stuck up flew off the wall and found itself on drocs face. He was temporalily blinded, and shrek used the opportunity to push droc to the gournd. Because hoggy was a castle, the ground was CEMENTE and droc’s head hurt. It might have been a concussion, but wizards didn’t use that word. They used ‘unfortunate quidditch accident injury’ . Madame pompfrey fixed him up quick and told droc to have a rest in the hospital wing. Droc wondered where hary was, and if he was thinking about him. He fell asleep. Hary was not thinking about droc. instead he was thinking about his apparent lover but not real lover ginney. He was currenlty on the ground of the hallway in the west wing, with ropes around his feet. Classes had been cancelled for the morning because everyone was trying to sort out who the green fella was, but hary didnt know that. He spent the next four and a half hours trying to untangle himself from the ropes. Special, indeed. Hermy and minvery were having breakfast in the royal kicthens with the house elves. ‘..and that’s why we decided to take the polyjuice potion and turn in crabcakes and goyle. Except i didnt take the right hair. It was a cat’s hair. So you’ll never guess what i turned inot when we all took the potion.’ Minvery and the house elves waited expectantly. ‘I turned into a-’ ‘Dad?’ Hermy turned in her chair. Standing before her was a the king of england. Not the present one. The one from 1396. Minvery’s DAD. Hermy swallowed nervously. ‘Halla minervy. Who is your friend?’ he said. Minevry gestured to hormones. ‘This is hermy. She’s from….hoggy.’ The king smiled. ‘Ah, hoggy. Very nice, very nice. Minvery graduated from hoggy last year!’ Hermy opened her mouth to say something (she didnt know what, yet) but a rat ran across the floor by her feet. Hermy gagged. What kind of place were they running here? Dont worry the king said. ‘There are heaps of rats here. The pied piper must have been around, huh?’ (No one laughed) Hermy was confused. She swore she had read something bad about rats in the muggle world around this time… whatever it was, it was probably nothing. She would tell Minvery to stay away, though, just in case.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 10

Ginney was walking down the corridor when she came across seamus and deen standing and talking. This confused her because she had not seen either of them without their tongues down the other’s throat, and didnt exactly know what they looked like. Seamus had freckles, apparently.

‘Halla ginney’ said deen.

Ginney took a moment to process what was happeneiing. ‘....halla deen. Halla seamus. What is happening?’

The boys stared longinly at each other. ‘Every time we kiss, climate change becomes more of an issue.’

Ginney was baffled. ‘Hva? Since when!?!?’

Seamus narrowed his eyes. ‘In a potion gone wrong. It happened in potions lessons the other day.’

Deen sighed. ‘Let us demonstrate.’ They kissed.

Ginney suddenly became aware of the polar ice caps melting. They flashed across her mind. How DARE seamus and deen kiss when the ice caps were melting and polar bears were dying and there was an island of rubbish and penguins had plastic around their necks and there was pollution in the moat and the trees were dying. Ginney decided to leave and begin a riot for climate change. She gathered her peers and they began designing posters and inspiriing speeches.

Seamus and Deen decided not to kiss again, at least until an antidote was found. But some promises couldnt be kept. (they kissed 42 times that night)

Thenext day was 1396. Minvery and Hermy were playing wiazard chess on the ground on miversy bedrooms. The two had connected quite a lot over the past two days. Hermy still had the tinglging thought at the back of her mind about her exam, and about getting back to her friends, but every time they went to turn hermy back to her time, someone had always thought of an excuse for her to stay for a little bit more. Hermy wasnt complaing. Mnivery was beautiful and had let hermy borrow some of her (mainly black) clothes.

‘Bam. i win. Again. Best out of three?’ mineery asked.

‘Okay!’ hermy said. ‘But theres no way i’m going to win, even if i beat you in the next game. You’ve already won two.’

‘Best out of ten?”

Hermy agreed. Ten chess games. That would take a lot of time. Good. She got to spend more time with mivery.

‘Pawn to D6.’

Hary and droc left the room or reqipment, blinded by the light. It was day time? ‘We must have stayed the entire night!’ droc muttred. Hary took his hand and smiled. ;lets go down to breakfast.’ Mcognoal walked past them down the hallway, giving them a death glare. ‘A hundred and forty seven, a hundred and-’ (They ignored her)

When they appraoched the GreatHalleOFfOOD, Ginney ran past excitedly, holding multiple pieces of cardboard and two magic marker pens. She was dressed in an odd potato sack - looking outfit, and seemed to be chanting something. A couple of students followed behind, clad in the same clothes, singing a song, somewhat out of tune.

Droc could only make out the phrases: ‘Dogs bark!’ ‘Cappuncino loyalty card’ and ‘better education for our children!’ and wondered what Ginney was up to. Hary, meanwhile, was confused. Wasn’t Ginney crazily in love with him?

It had turned out, that Ginney had focussed her obsession with hary on climate change instead. But hary didn’t know that. And because he was a Pretentious Bitch, he wanted multiple people in love with him because it made him feel Special.

‘Why does Ginney not love me anymor?” he asked droc. ‘Why do you not LOVE ME GINNEY’ hary asked ginney. She ran down the hall, practising her tribal chants instead. Hary dropped drocs hand quickly and followed after her, desperate for attention, in hope that ginney would notice him and try to kiss him, so that he could ignore her and tell her that he had a boyfriend. Droc went to breakfast alone.

Roon was standing in the doorway of TheGreatHalleOFfOOD, gathering a feather and ink from his pocket when Droc arrived. Roon had once again forgotten to put the lip on his ink and there was a large stain acorsshis cloak. Luckily it was black so it didnt matter.

‘What are you up to, roon’ droc asked. Roon and droc were friends now because hary had told roon to be nice to droc or he would steal his pet rat scabber.

‘I’m getting out my stuff becaue i want an autograph. Where’s hary? And where’s hermy. She’s gonn be so mad she missed out on THIS.’ roon said exctiedly.

‘Missed out on what?’

‘Shrek is her fave movie’ roon continued.

‘what s a movie’ droc asked. He was a wizard and didnt know technology. Roon didnt either, and only knew the word bevause hermy told roon it was her fave movie every day. ‘And what is a SHREK’

Roon gestured with his ink stained hand. ‘THAT’S  shrek.’ a big green fella stood in the GreatHalleOFfOOD. Many studenst surrunded him, asking for autographs and trying to get their posters signed. What was this guy doing here? He looked like an orge. And orge’s weren’t good. Maybe if he killed the orge, hary would notice him again. It seemed like a plan. ‘DIE ORGE’

‘A hundred and fifty’ mcamgogo said.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 9

Voldmort and Natarshar had snuck out again for the second night in a row. They met at precisely 9:11. Sometimes at the three broomsticks in hogsmeade. Or, sometimes, they went back to the voldomromdts place to spend the time alone in volodmots bedroom. Of course, vlomo was currently living in the malloffos house. So they both had to be really quiet as to not inform lucus that voldtmo was sneaking a woman/owl into ther house most nights. And then at 11:11 Natarshar turned into headlice. Natarshar didn’t like volodmormormod seeing her as an owl, so she flew away shortly after. And that happened night after night, until hary went to the owlery late at night to send a quick letter to his pal serius. He hadnt heard from serious in a while, and although he was happy that serious was alive, he wondered why he wasnt sitkcing his head into the fire anymore. It was atcually because remis and serious were *cough cough* settling in to grimmaluad place and were a bit preoccupied. Hary went up at the owlery at precisely 10:67pm, letter in hand. ‘Headlice. Headlice?!’ he called. After searching and not finding his bird, hary deicded headlice Was In TroubleTM and went on a brave mission to go save his bird from the hands of whatever evil had stolen her. ‘Probably voldolrmoromd is keeping my beautfu bird locked up becaus she is Evil!’ Hary wasn’t far off. Headlice/Natarshar was locked up, and with vlodtmord, but not because of her evilness. Because of something else. Moving on. Hary went to drocs room and told him about his headlice problem. Of course, droc and the rest of the slithers assumed he had actual lice in his hair. And so Hary was in mcgoganals office at 10:32, tryng out her new headlice-away potions. Droc came too, for fun. ‘Wait i dont have headlice’ said hary. ‘I thought you did hve a headlice’ said droc. ‘I do have A headlice. ‘ hary argued. ‘But not headlice, plural. I own one’ ‘One headlice can grow into many. They have babies often.’ mocgognal said, seraching through the cupboards for headlice-away. ‘No its not on my head’ said hary. ‘Headlice is the in the owlery. But thats the problem. She isnt there now’ ‘AH’ said mcgogogaly. ‘ESCAPED HEADLICE IN THE SCHOOL’ ‘NO, no’ said hary. ‘Only one escaped. Or was kidnapped. But ONE.’ ‘One can grow into babies they have many often’ said mcgogogal ‘Why would anyone want to kipnap a headlice..’ said droc. ‘Shut up shut up’ said hary. ‘Headlice is NOT headlice. Headlice is my friend.’ ‘WHAT U ARE FRIENDS WITH A HEADLICE’ ‘No!’ said hary. ‘Headlice is an owl.’ Droc and mocgog exchanged confused looks. ‘...ohh….kay…’ Mcgogognal froze and let out a huge gasp. ‘Ohnohonoohonhonononon’ ‘What is it?” said hary and droc at the same time. ‘What’s wrong?’ said hary again, to be Special. Mgognal swore loudly. In her hand she bought out a time turner from the cupboard. She swore again and again and momentarlily forgot the lice problem in the school. ‘What’s that?” said droc and hary at the same time. ‘What have you got’ said hary again, to be Speical. ‘The hour time turner’ mcgognal said slolwy. ‘Which i thought i gave to hermy at the start of the year.’ She continued rumaging through the cupboards and swore again. Doc looked at hary and hary looekd at droc. Neither said anything because they sensed something was truly wrong. ‘The century time turner’ cmgogoggmo continuted. ‘Its gone. I must have given it to hermy. And if she used it, she woud have gone back centuries, not hours. Boys! Did hermy go back in time tofay or yesterday for studying?’ ‘Uh, yeah.’ hary said. ‘The other day, at the library. She went back six hours to study for her muggle studies exam’ Mcgognal sighed. ‘Six hours. So she went back six centures. 1396. Great. Ah, I remeber that year fondly…’ Droc and hary excahnged looks. ‘You’re over 600 years old?’ ‘Give or take.’ said mcogogal. ‘But we have a real problem. Hermy is stuck 600 years back and we only have an hour turner to get to her. We will have to turn the time turner 5250000 times to get back there!’ she looked expectantly at the boys. ‘Now, when you say ‘we’...’ said hary slowly. ‘We can take turns,’ mcogognal said. ‘Maybe 10 000 turns me, 10 000 droc, and then-’ ‘Yeah… about that….’ said hary. ‘This is kind of sounding like a you problem not an us problem.’ he gestured to himself and droc. ‘So…. I have a bird to save a droc and i have a … meeting in the room of requipment in half an hour.. So , like…. Better get coutning.’ The boys left and mocgona stared sadly at the hour time turner. But something inside her propelled her to save hermy, to get her back when she belonged… and heaven help hermy ran into her past self! She needed a hero, and so mogjgo would be one. She began coutning. ‘One, two, three..’

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 8

If you remember correclty, headlice had been faced with a DIFFICULT PROBLEM last chaptre. Turn and into a huMAN to save hary but voldomomor discoveres her secret secret ! or run and hide but leave hary open to the MUDERUOS VODLOMR (who really just wanted to clear up a kerfuffle about chamlean tea but headliec didnt know that)

But hary always came first because hes Special and so headlices secret was revealed and it was 9:11pm now. And headlice wasnt headlice anymore. She was a Beautiful Woman called Natarshar.

Vololodmom was is love. She has never seen anyone so Beautiful. She even had hairy legs, which vlloldmor secretly liked but hadnt told any of her exes and had led to their eventual breakup. Meanwhile, Natarshar was quickly falling in love but didnt want to say anything because she was quite embarrased about being an owl 91.6666666666667% of the time. But she had two short hours and didnt want to lose any of it.

‘Do you want to go out to dinner?’ vololod asked. Natarshar agreed and the two left for hogsmeade for a romantic dinner.

The next day was in 1396. Hermy and minervy had drunk pumpkin juice spiked with a bit of butter beer and were passed out in minvery’s bed. Hermy was still coming into terms with the fact that she was in 1396, but was kind of interested. She DID need knowledge for her exam, but the problem was that her exam was in 6 centuries and hermy didnt want to start studying too early incase she forgot the content.

She spoke of her problems to minvery, who came up with a simple answer. ‘We’ll flip you back to 1996 using your time turner thingy’

Hermy thought that was a good idea (even though she secretly didnt know how to use the time turner to go FORWARD in time. but maybe minvery did). But before they could flip through the time turner, a maid burst through the door.

‘PRINCESS MINVEYRVEYVRBENKMR!’ said she. ‘YOU ARE NEEDEDTO ADDRESS THE PEASANTS! FOR A PUBLIC ADDRESS!’

Minvery sighed. Hermy was interested. ‘A public address?’

‘Yeah ike a meet and greet except its free for the peasants. They come up and ask questions n get shit signed. Like life sized posters.’

‘Sounds fun cn i come?’ said hermy

‘No’ said minvery quickly. ‘Theres a little virus going around and you dont want to catch it’

‘What about you’ demanded hermy. ‘If theres a virus, why are you going outside?’

‘Easy’ said minvery. ‘Viruses dont touch royalty.’

Hermy didnt think this was true, but what did she know about viruses in the 1300’s? She had heard something about rats in her muggle studies class, but had forgotten if it had affected London. Probably not. And she had a better question to ask.

‘So youve never been sick before?’

‘Nup’ said minvery’

‘Never had the witches-flu? The ghouls-pox? The gnome-diarrhea?’

‘That sounds digusting’

‘It is.’

There was a pause. It was a bit awkward. Oh, well.

Back in 1996. Doc and hary had been making out for a few hours so that they missed lunch and all of period 5. They got back in time for period 6 and discovered that hermy still wasnt back yet.

‘Where is hermy?’ asked roon when droc and hary entered potions 20 minutes late, holding hands. Snapps growled.

‘I dont know muttered hary as he took his seat next to roon. Nevil was sitting in hermys empty spot and so hary silently cursed him under his breath. Nevil broke out in ghouls-pox later that night.

‘She went back in time to study for her exam but her exam is tomorrow morning!’ exclaimed roon. ‘How will she make it back i wonder’

Hary didnt know the exact physics of time travelling, and neither do we. hoggy doesnt supply science subjects so they werent exactly sure where in the universe hermy was at the moment. Little did they know that she was with minvery, and minvery was actually someone they knew very, very well!

If you havent picked it up yet minvery is professor mcgogognononal. Yeah I bet you didnt guess that shes over 600 years old. Neither did we. You’ll be surpised how long you can live with a healthy diet and good exercise.

Nevil was recovering from a strong bout of ghouls-pox when he woke up in the groff-in-the-door common room.

‘Im so so sick of people not listenng to me or respetcing me!’ and shouted at the tsudents who were sitting around lazily. But no one noticed he was talking.

‘Im telling you1! every day i have something important to say I get ignored! This sint right and it isnt fair basic human equalitytrevor back me up.’

But trevor was a toad.

‘YEAJ. AND SO IM GOING TO GO ON STRIKE AND IF ANYONE NOTICES IM MISSING THEN THATS FINE AND GOOD BUT I AM STAYING HIDDEN IN THIS WHEELBARROW NEXT TO THe HERBOLOGY GREENHOUSE UNTIL SOMEONE NOTICES I AM MISSING’ SAID NEVIL. No one looked up. So nevil went and hid in the wheelbarrow until someone noticed him. And then he fell asleep and trevor made a toad noise. I dont know what noises toads make. I just looked it up its CROAK. Trevor croaked.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 7

Back in 1996, Droc and hary were in the room of requipment passionately making out.

They broke off a few minutes later , because droc wanted to talk about why hary was ignoring him.

‘Hary why are you ignoring me?” droc asked.

‘Because! You told me the other day that you and voldomor had been married for 50 years and had 23 grandchildrennow.’

What said droc. ‘I never said that. I only said volodmord stayed at my house on the weekends sometimes.’

Hary realised that he had kind of taken drocs word out of preportion. ‘But why does she stay at your house?”

‘I dont know’ droc said. ‘Volodmor doesnt have her own house anymore so dad offered her to stay here. She wats me to join her eveil snake gorup ad i dont want to but i think she will kill me if i dontnjoinj’

Hary was sad. He didnt want his boyfriend in an evail snake ground. ‘No volodmord would never do hat.’

‘She would..’

‘I AM GOING T KILL VOLOLOMORDMOMORMOMOOVLODORNO’ hary saud, standin up. ‘By the way, we are dating again. I am off to go to your house and maybe look at some baby photos and then kill volomomrox.’

Before droc could say a word, hary disapearred in a mist of teen agnst and lightning scars. ‘I thought you couldnt apparate inside of hoggy.’ droc said. But hary was Special, and so he could. But that is a story is for anothetr time.

Back in 1396, hermy anf minvery were eating some punkpin juice in the roayl kitchens.

Back in 1996, hary was at drics house. Droc had flown on his relly quick really expesive broom, so he got there first. Droc was inside the dining room serving volmomrod some tea, because she was his house guest and he was nothing if not a good house host. Hary burst hroug the doors. While droc was pouring the tea. And droc was very suriprrised so when hary came in his hand had a spasm and spilt tea all over his friend voltmort.

‘AHHHHH’ said voltdmord. ‘MY NOSE!’

‘What nose’ said hary. ‘But DIE VOLDTMORD!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘NO HART’ said droc.

‘YES HARY’ said hary. ‘VOLMOT! OYU WERE GOING T KILL MY BOYFRIEND IF HE DIDNT JOIN YOUR EVIL SNAKKER GROUP’

‘AH’ screamed boldmort because she still had tea on her nose/lack of nose.

‘AH’ said hary

‘AH’ said droc

‘AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ said hary, to be speical.

‘Wait.’ said votlmordt. They waited. ‘I was not going to kill droc. He is my friend.’

PLOT TWIST!11!!!!11!#

So then hary and droc went home. I mean to hoggy. Hary stole a few baby photos and put them in the dining room. That was kind of weird.

‘Why are there poictures of droc as a baby’ said dumbeldore that night while they ate dinner

Across the walls, hary had blue tacked some moving photos everywhere. They were cute but kind of weird.

Some of the teachers had joined in on the fun and put baby pictures of them selves up. They werent cute at all and mainly gross. Escpeciially snapps.

‘I didnt know babies could have greasy hair’ roon pointed out and they passed snapps photo on the way to dinner. Tonight it was a buffet because it was a buffet every night. That was roons fvaourite part of the day. He usually had grillde cheese sandwichs but not anymore because he had a traumatising memory assoictaed with grilled cheese sandiwhces that he didnt like to talk about on Mondays.

Voldmordo had eventually forgiven droc for spilling chamloean tea on her, but had not forgiven hary for attempting to kill her. She thought it was quite rude and decided to come over to hoggy and sort out whatever problem hary had with her once and for all.

At the gates, she was stopped by a sudden swooping bird. It was headlice, harys faithful pet. She had come out to protect her owner hary from voldomorto because hary had told headlice that voldotmotd was a Very Bad Person!?!!?!!! That killed people and yeah.

‘Move!’ voldmort cried! ‘I am trying to get to hary. We have some things to work out in a civilised manner’

Headlice was stumped. She wanted to speak to voldomosrtsrt but couldnt because she was a bird. Then she checked her watched and squwaked out in alarm. It was 9:09!!!!!!!!!!

Now youre probably wondering whats so bad about 9:09? But i;ll tell you a secret. At 9:11 every night, headlice turns into a beautiful supermodel and turns back at 11:11!!!! The only bad thig is that her legs are hairy because you can never book leg waxs that late at night. But that didnt matter. Because headlice was at a crossroads! Reveal her ghastly secret and protect her owner or fly into the safety of hoggy and kepe her secret safe but LEAVE HARY UNPROTECTED!! DEICIOSN DECISION. WHGA WILL HEADLICE DO???? COME BACK NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 6

Incase you missed the last bit, HERMY WAS IN 1396!!!!!!

Hermy, of course, assumed she had only gone back 6 hours instead of 600 years and was a bit confused why muggles in big bird masks were walking around.

‘Halla?’ she was in london, but she thought she was in hogwarts.

Suddnly she saw a massive maddyevil castle right in front of her “I am going to go in” hermy said

A small man at the gate said “halla velkommen to Castletown” becasue it was a town with a big castle

Hermy mad her way up into the brick castle. It looke like a maddvevil castle to a muggle from her time, but since wiazrds were a bit behind on the times, and thought it was a very modern place to live. It kinda looked like hoggy.

‘Halla hary and roon? Where are you? Where did the groff-in-the-dorr common room go?’

There was a voice from behind a curtain. ‘I was in groff-in-the-door.’

Hermy was confused. She pulled back the gossamer curtains and found not a wall, but a large room. With two throne chairs. On one of them sat what looked like a teenage girl. Her brown hair was flowing past her heavy eyelined face, she had a black leather jacket, black jeans, and the most awesome pair of doc marten boots hermy had ever seen, ever. Her legs were propped up on the throne next to her and she looked rather bored. Hermy thought she was the hottest human being she had ever seen, ever, but instead said: ‘i thought the wizarding world was a democracy.’

The girl laughed, ‘ha. Ha. ha. No. i wish. The wizardy world is, and always will be, royalty. Like my dad.’

‘No,’ hermy argued, because arguing was her fave thing. ‘Its a democarcy. The minister for magic is caramel fudge.’

‘No,’ the girl said, because she liked arguig too, ‘my dad is the king. King richard the second’

Hermy paused. ‘Does that mean youre a princess?’

‘Unfortunetly; she grumbled. ‘Im minvery.’

‘Im hermy,’ hermy said. She  held out her hand and minvery looked at it for a second, before crossing her arms. ‘Youre not from here’ she said.

‘Im not exactly sure where im from…’ hermy said nerously. Why hadnt hary and roon come to findher yet? ‘Where is here, exactly?’

‘London’ mivery offered. ‘And in case youre really lost, its the 11th of may.’ that seemed alright. It had also been th 11th of may earlier that day. But minvery continued her sentence. ‘1396.’ hermy gasped. ‘Merlins beard’

Back in 1996, hermy had disappeared out of thin air. Hary and roon were used to this because she always did this to study more so they didnt bat an eyelid. ‘I wanted him to be a ghost’ hary said. He was talking about serious, who had died, come back to life through magic, and had popped into their fireplace to say hello. Then he went to have sex with remis.

‘Yeah that would have ben fun’ roon chuckled. ‘But hes alive hary, that means you dont have to live wth the durssellysdurels anymore!’

Hary brightened. ‘Yeah!’ little did he know, serious hated him coz he was an entitled bitch. Oh, well.

Back in 1396, hermy was sitting on the throne next to her new friend-girl minvery and trying to come to terms with her situation.

‘Are you sure this year is 1396?’

‘Yes you can check the calnder i have here’ minvery offered. It was a calnder decorated with different cats for each month of the year. May was a nice ginger cat.

‘So cute!’ said hermy. ‘ do you like cats, then.’

Minvery was silent for a frw moments ,before saying slolwly. ‘Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.’

‘Me too’ said hermy. ‘ i have a cat called crookshanks.’

‘What a strange name’

The girls laughed together. ‘How about we get some food in you’ minvery said. ‘We have a big kicthen of house elves that ware good at making food. Although i am very against house elves slavery. You should see these hats i mad.’

HERMY COULDNT BELIEVE HER EYES. she had finally met someone that was against house elve slavery like her. It was magic.

Back in 1996, hary and roon were at dinner when suddenyl droc mofflofoof sat down at the groff-in-the-door table. Everyone gasped and prossfer flitter fainted. ‘DROCS AT THE GROFFINTHEFDORORJDOS TABLE’ PEOPLE SCREAMED.

Droc ignored them. ‘Can i talk to you in the room of requipment hary?” he asked nervuously.

Hary didnt know what to do. He had been very sad upn finding out that droc and volodmor had been happily married for 34 years and weere sending their kids off to college. He had heard that their dog had died, too, and there had been a huge funeral for itin new york. Apparently its name was molly.

‘Alright, alright.’ hary finally decided. ‘Alright ill go with you. But doesnt mean i will forgive you.’ Droc nodded and led the way, the rest of hoggy watching them leave.

‘Wha aRE THEY DOING’ pancakes pakinson said.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 5

Hormey, roon and hary were sitting in the groff-in-the-door common room having their nightly chat.

‘Crumbed fish’ hormey said.

‘Battered fish’ roon said.

‘Fish fingers’ hary said, just to be different. But he liked crumbed fish.

‘Im allegrci to fish’ nevil said

‘No one asked u’ roon said. Nevil cried and went to his room.  

‘Seamas, deen  what is your favouritw type of fish.’ asked hermo. Seamas and deen were busy kissing in the corner, but broke apart for a few moments to reply.

‘Battered,’ they both said at the same time. Deen and seamas were everyones fave couple because they were perfect. But never stopped kissing, which got a bit annoying.

They were making out again now, so roon, hary and hermy searched for someone else to ask. But it was quite late and everyone was in bed. Except for the three of them and seamas and deen. So there was no one left to ask.

‘Hm…’ said roon. ‘Potions was boring today.’

‘It was interesting’ hermy argued.

Hary was sad because the conversation was not about him so he dropped a bomb that was sure to get the attention back to him. ‘ iam in love in droc mafflo’

‘Merlins beard!’ hermy gasped. Roon’s jaw dropped.

‘Thats why he was looking for you today.’ hermy said. ‘You two are dating.’

‘Not anymore.’ hary said sadly. ‘Becayse droc and volllomooordo are married, with three kids, a mortgage and a pet dog.’

‘Whats a mortgage?’ asked roon. He didnt know muggle words.

‘I am so sorry hary’ hermmy said. ‘If i had known this i would have punched droc today like i did in the third book’

‘Wut’ said hary

‘Whats a book’ roon asked. As well as not knowing muggle words, roon didnt know the word book because he didnt read.

‘Crumbed fish’ said someone. Who was it? It WAS SERIOUS BLACK!!!!!11!1!1!11!!!!

Serious black wasnt in the room, no, his head was in the fire. This was not unusal. He sometimes popped in for a nightly chat with the trio. But he had not since he had died, because he had been dead. Or so they thought. Serious was sick of living in the jungle of cheese so he decided to come back alive so that he could live in his house with remis, his luvman.

‘HOLY PARCHMENT WITH A SPILLED BOTTLE OF INK!’ that was hermys worst swear word.

‘AH FRIGGING GRILLED CHEESE SANDIWCH FLOATING IN MID AIR.’ that was roons new swear word

‘HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS ITS A GHOST’ Hary only knew muggle swears.

‘WHAT IS THIS COMMONOTION’ it was professor mocgogonol. ‘We do not permit those swear words in hooggy. Roon and hermy! 7.48 points from groff-in-the-door from you each1!. Hary your word was aokay.’ then she left.

‘I like professor mocgogonol’ hermy said. But that wasnt important. BECAUSE SERIOUS WAS ALIVE?

‘Halla hary i am alive’ serious said.

‘Oh kkay’ hary was sad because he thought serious was a ghost and would live and hoggy and be his best buddy. But now that he was alive he couldnt live in hoggy because he was an adult.

‘Serious how did you come back to life?’said roon.

Serious didnt come back to life, he faked his deatj .but they didnt need to know. ‘Magic’ said serious

‘Ah’ they all said knowlginly.

‘Know go to bed i have some lovemaking to do’ serious said. Hary roon and hermy all went to bed, and left seamas and deen in the corner kissing. They hadnt heard anything because they were too busy kissing.

‘I cant believe serious is alive’ roon said. The next day

‘I cant believe he wasnt a ghost’ hary said sadly. He was sad because of the ghost thing and because droc and voldmordrt were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary at a function hall in paris, france. Apparently the minster for magic was going.

Hermy didnt say anything because she was worried about an exam. It was about the black plague and it was for muggle studies. Roon and hary didnt take that class. Hermy had accidentally forgotten about studying ever since finding out droc and vlotmotrdo were going through their midlife crises with their three kids, four dogs and 2 fish.

She noticed her time turner sitting in her backpack. ‘Hmmm’ she said carefully. Maybe she should go back in time a little bit to have extra time to study! It was a foolproof plan. Excpet this year, mocgogonol had accidentally given her the time turner that went back CENTURIES intsetad of HOURS. So hermy turned back 6 hours to study, without knowing she was going back 6 centuries! And becayse hary porter was set in the 90s, 1996-600 = 1396!

1396! And that is where hermy went, little did she know she was about to get more information abut her black plague exam then she’d ever thought she’d needed………………………………………………

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 4

‘You wear thongs on your feet?’

‘Yes forward on the foe’

‘Who is grilled chessus’

‘Yes, but you dont go’

‘Seek peace and pursue it’

‘If i was an angle, id be an angle of depression’

‘You like jazz?’

The final verse of the hoggy school song ended to a burst of applaude. Professer flitter lowered his wand and the students sat down in their seats to eat dinner.

‘Yummo’ said roon, pouring some grilled chese sandwiches on his plate. The song had made him hungry.

Hermy had her punmpkin juice.

Over on the slither-like-a-snake table, droc was too worried to eat. He still hadnt found his lover hary, yet. But hary had snuck i withut anyone noticing him (because he was wearing a clock of invisibility0 ) and sat down next to roon.

Hary picked up roons grilled cheese danwich and took a bite of it because he was selfish and couldnt be bothred to get his own food. Roon screamed when he saw his sandiwhc floating in the air and hermy threw her cup of pumpkin juice on the invisbile figure holding roons food. Then they realised it was hary because they remembered no one else in the world has an inviibilty cloak because hary was special.

‘Hary! Whatre you doing here in your cloak of invisibilty’ hermy asked, pouring herself another cup of pumpkin juice.

But hary didnt answer because he was too busy wondering where you can get an iniviibitly cloak dry cleaned.

‘Hey you know that little evil snake droc was looking for you before.’ roon mentioned

Hary sighed. He decided to ignore droc ever since finding out droc and volooomorrdo were secretly engaged.

‘We have to go we have potions with snapps in five minutes’ hermy said. Down th table, nevil started crying.

VELKOMMEN TO POTIONS Said snapps. Hary sat at the back with his friends hormones and roon, while droc sat up the front with his friends crab-cakes and gargoyle.

‘Hary you are bad at potions! You are a failure to this class and you dont know anything’ said snapps, to begint the lesson. The class started taking notes.

‘Interesting’ muttered hormes.

Class ended later and everyone filed out to go play with buckbuck in care of magical creatures with haggy.

But ginney was waiting outside for hary. ‘Fuck’ said hary. Roon was crying because that was his sister. Droc ran away becase he knew hary hated ginney but was ignoring him too becuse he was mad that hary was ignoring him. Hermo ran away too because she liked class with haggy and buck buck.

‘Halla hary’ ginney said. She want in for a kiss but hary said no. ‘im too sad.’ he said. ‘And plus we are not daTING, GINNEY!’

‘Okay’ said sounded disbeliving ‘why are you so sad, hary’

‘Because i just found out not too long ago that droc and vlotdmord were married with two kids!’

Ginney sighed. ‘Kiss me hary’

hary’’SOTP YOU GIRL! I DONT LIKE YOU’

Ginney winked and went off to class. Hary went to the common room because he had to figure out how to dry clean an invisibility cloak. Stupid hetero relationships

‘Hall i would like to book a dry cleaning’ hary was in hogsmeade the next day and was attempting to get his cloak dry cleaned.

‘Where is it’ asked the guy. 

‘Its here in my hands’ hary held the cloak out.

‘I cant see anything’ the guy said.

‘No. i cant either’

‘So where is it’ said the guy

‘No its here’ hary said. ‘But we cant see it.’

‘So where is it if we cant see it’

‘Here. im holding it’’ hary said.

‘But i cant wash it if i cant see it. How do i know if im holding anything’

‘No you can feel it when you hold it’ hary said. ‘Here, hold it.’

‘Ew whats that on it’ said the guy

‘Thats the pumpkin juice’ explained hary ‘thats what i want to get it dry cleaned’

‘How do i clean it if i cant see where te upmkin juice is’

‘JUST try, okay?’ hary yelled.

‘Okay. but what if i drop it on te ground and i cant find it.’ said the guy.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 3

SCARED POTTER?!..

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 2

As Sirius sat looking out at the moon,  he thought of remis, his luvman. Sirius had been hiding in the forest of cheese for quite some time now, and although cheese was good, sirus was lactose intolerant.

‘One day i will come back to you remis’ siruis said, looking atthe moon. ‘And you too, hary,’ he added as an afterthought.

Sirius had faked his death because he didnnt want hary to live in his house, 12 grimmish place.

Hary was so so angry because droc so he ran down to his trusty pal Haggy’s house. He went inside and Haggy was brewn up a nice cuppa chamolile tea. Then there was a knock on the dor

‘Who is that?’ hary wondered out lod.

“thats me olde brotheren go get the dor hary” so hary opened up the dorr and standing on the dorstep was SHREK

Hary opened the door. A green fella stood in front of him, with two stick like things where his ears should be. It was SHREk.

‘Is there the swamp belonging to haggy of hoggy?’ shrek asked. He peered behind har and spotted his brethren, whom he ran up to and engulfed in a big, onion-smelling hug.

There was a pause, in which hary slowly sipped his tea which had appeared in his hands because magic. It tasted like car oil.

Shrek and haggy were now talking excitedly to each other, and turned to look at hary a few moments later.

‘Hary, eh, hows thing on your side of the swamp’ shrek metioned.

Swamp? Hary was confued. He had never learnt this word, and he knew a lot of big words. Like ‘wand’ and ‘snake’

‘They are good’ hary said, still not entirely sure what he was talking about.

Haggy frowned. ‘How is things going with your girl-lover, ginney?’

Hary froze. He was not a fan of these ‘hetreo-sexual relationships’ as people said. Sadly, the rest of the world liked them a so many students ad staff assumed he and ginney were dating. They were not.

Ginney seemed to think they were, but hary would deal with that later.

‘She is not my girl-lover’ hary agrued.

‘Okay,’ haggy said. He sounded disbelieving.

‘I have a boy-lover’ haggy admitted. Hary and shrek gasped.

‘Me too’ hary said. ‘But you cant tell anyone’

Haggy began to discuss his boy lover professor flitter, the little dwarf guy. Hary interuppted him, because he had more important things to talk about.

‘My boy lover, droc mafflo, is cheating on my wit voldmord.’ hary told shrek and haggy.

‘Nooooooo,’ shrek said. Hagy started crying.

‘I thought u were dating ginney.’ fing the dog said

‘NO’ hary said. ‘Fuck off, fing.’

Fing the dog went back to sleep in the corner.

Meanwhille, hermy, droc and roon had bumped into each other in the hallway when running towards the groff-in-the-door common room. They had appeared from three different sides and collidied in front of the fat lady portrait.

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

‘Ow. my wrist. wAit. What are you guys doing?’ roon demanded

‘Looking for hary’ hermy and droc said at the same time.

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

‘Youre not aloud in the groof-in-thedoor- common room, droc’ hermy said. ‘It says so in hoggy:a history’

‘I was on my way to the room of requipment’ droc told them. ‘I thought he might be there.’

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

‘Why are you looking for hary, anyways’ roon asked.

Droc and hary had not told anyone about their relationship yet. Except for when hary had just told shrek and haggy a few moments ago. But droc didnt know about that.

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

‘I just want to’ droc muttured.

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

So hermy, roon and droc decided to combine their forces and look for hary togather.

Except when they looekd for him in the groof-in-the-door common room, droc had to wait outside because he was not allowed inside because it said in hoggy: a history.

‘Whats the password?’ the fat lady said.

[hary-and-droc]

CHAPTRE 1

hary stroekd drocs face

silence setlted over them

'droc, what is it?' hary asked

''we dhould not be doing this' said droc

'why not?' said hary.

'we have a quidditch game right now.' droc said sadly. 'damn quaffle.'

harry had never been less interested in quidditch. 'i have never been less interested in quidditch,' he told droc.

'me neither,' droc whispered. 'but we have to go or else madam hooch will have our heads.'

the two boys left the room of requipment - which is where their sexual encounters had taken place - and made their way down to the quidditch feild.

'Velkommen to our game of quidditch that is now between slither-like-a-snake and groff-in-the-door!' madam hooch called to the people of hoggywarts. they all cheered. 'HARY PORTER. HARY PORTER!'

'Halla hary!' said hermy from the stands.

hary waved back but his mind was stuck like glue to droc.

Sudenly volmord walked in she looked so angry bc she lost her pet snake linguini

She thinked that dumbelldoor had linguini so she grumpily stormed up to him and said “ello kind chap do u have mi lizard snak”

Droc rushed over to hary when he saw the commotion in the stands

‘Are yu okay?’ said droc

‘The old scar acting up again’ hary cried ‘ow it hurts, droc.’

‘Should we go to the room of requipment?” droc said. He winked.

‘NO.’ said hary. ‘I MUST KILL VOLDMORD AND LINGUINI’

‘No harry no!’ said hermy. She had run down the boys.

‘Yes hary yes,’ said hary and at that he hopped on his nimbus and flew up to dumbelldor and voldmord, who were now engaged in a serious game of chess.

“Check mate bitch” said dumbelldoor to volmordo  

‘Die voldmould!’ said hary. He whipped out his wand and tried to remember the wrist movemnet he had been practising in charms. ‘Wingardiu-’

‘Shush hary’ said dumbelldor, ‘we are engaged in a serious game of chesst’

At the word ‘serious’ hary broke down and started crying. ‘Not sirisuS!!111!!!1!1!’

Droc appeared beside him and attempted to give him comfort.‘Dont cry hary. Chess isnt that bad.’

‘Hello boy’ voldmord said to droc. ‘How good to see you on this fine winters day’

‘It’s summer’ said droc

‘HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM’ hary shouted. Droc jumped back in surprise

‘He stays at our house on the weekends sometimes. Its nothing hary. Im serious’

‘STOP SAYING HIS NAME’ hary exclaimed. ‘I CANT BEIEVE YOU DROC’

And he ran downstairs and disappeared into hoggy. Hermy and roon raced after him, throwing droc rude looks.

While vodmord had been preoccupied with droc, dumbelldoor had knocked over a few over his chess pieces. ‘Take that you evil snake whiespered’

‘Merlins beard,’ vodmord crid ‘u won. Okay. you get the prize’

‘Whats the prize’ said snapps

‘I get to kep linguini’ said dumdelldor

‘No. not linguini. Tonight was our pasta nght.’ said voldmord

‘Hiss hiss muthafukr’ hissed linguini

‘Lol’ said nevil

The group disbanded from the stands and went back to hoggy. Droc hermy and roon were searching for hary in vain. Dumbelldor went to buy a snake bed. Voldmord ate all the pasta alone, and sirius was still dead.