havesomewords

[havesomewords]

Bonus: Next night I dreamt that me and him built a flat together and that I was showing it off to my mum with pride. My favourite was our adorably ugly kitchen - the tiles were cream and cerulean while the cupboards were orange and green. The appliances were black. I also built him a workshop and I have no clue what it was for as the man that I knew only made some glass figurines once upon a time and I lacked any creative bones in my body. Maybe it was all wishful thinking?

I have narcolepsy and that means my dreams have way too long REM phases and are lucid. I have also been struggling with grief recently and missing the man who I pined after. I thought I managed to detach from my emotions but here I am - waking up from a dream about a random apocalypse where he called me out of the blue and declared that he was coming to a random party in that dream. I knew it was a dream and that he was dead but I still was over the moon hearing his voice. My dreams are better than reality, regardless of all of them dealing with the end of the world. Maybe one day he will call me - even if it is just to argue with me. Maybe.

#⚜️🔥🚬

x

[havesomewords]

Bonus: I forgot to mention that I had discovered one thing but it was not something that I consciously researched - it just ended up this way.

I left my hometown at 18 after my father died and it was right after his funeral. I got into a horrid one-sided argument with my brother and I more or less left that trinket with him as some sort of an emo symbol of disowning him.

Yeah - my very dubious powers still worked. So, they didn't uphold them by themselves. It means that my quest to destroy it would just get rid of the tracking. Possibly.

I was emotionally compromised and in deep throes of addiction when I was away so I am unsure of those conclusions now. I wish I could re-research it :|

My current city has a TARDIS replica. It will do.

@Opinion Differences: Oh no... My pet peeves which differ from canon would make several - very boring - books BUT I will go with the most prominent one: elemental magic. In the source material folks living in my world could manipulate the elements and use them to enhance weapons or anything under the sun. However, these powers were granted by higher beings who presided over their respective elements. They weren't theirs to give out and the magic originally came from dragons but it is unclear if it was stolen or by whom. When you were chosen by one of the rulers - they tossed a physical trinket at you that allowed you to use the aforementioned elemental magic.

With that said - in my past - you were both lucky and unlucky if that happened to you. Our world ran on elements and everything in nature was imbued with it. Most sentient beings could manipulate the elements to some extent, which matches canon. In the source material - humans don't have that ability (cursed humans do have it) but in our case ... they did. Everyone could wield those powers but we were told that we had none so nobody ever honed them resulting in everybody forgetting about it. The higher beings playing with us as puppets didn't like that someone could surpass them - even worse when everyone could in theory and then just drive them away. And that is why they made those trinkets - they were meant to boost a singular elemental power in the user and dampen others while also spying on them.

I wasn't very smart so I wasn't the one who figured it out but I was one of the unlucky sods that got singled out. I loathed it. I spent most of my life trying to get rid of both the ability and that trinket but I have never succeeded. Unlike my canonical counterpart - I avoided using the element that I was assigned to partially because I just had to be a rebel and partially because of how you channelled them. Generally, those powers usually were granted when somebody was in emotional turmoil, so to use them - you had to get in the same emotional state. I happened to be dissociating, so that was the only way that I could use it - very badly at that and due to my lack of control over it - I had very badly burnt hands and forearms (yeah, I was assigned to fire and ironically - my present physical skin is unable to be burnt due to EDS).

Canonical me seems fine and dandy with his magic but who knows what the writers will come up with later on.

#⚜️🔥🚬

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[havesomewords]

Me. Whinging as usual.

I really wish there was an active community for fiction-aligned people over 30. I missed the memo about where everyone had moved off Livejournal beyond Tumblr (and I rarely find anyone my age anymore) and Dreamwidth. I only found one message board that just happened to have a few folks close in age to me. It is odd - when I was active online a decade ago - everyone I knew was 30/40, which is still fairly young. It's Twitter, isn't it? I never used it so it could be the answer.

Now, please combine that with being in the EU. I want to befriend people to go out for fancy coffees and gossip :( ! Or fern-shopping! Or to the Ikea canteen!

It's not that I mind having younger friends - they are grand! Or friends far away - those are too! But I want also more of those of a similar age range as well as those who are older than me. Also, it is just nice to have someone to accompany you to do stuff that gets you and won't flee. With my source - er, yeah - both - alone - are as rare as winning a lottery and both - at the same time? Never met any.

(Note: That applies to both the physical/material side of things and the mental. In my timeline, I died in my 30s)

#⚜️🔥🚬

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[havesomewords]

I produced this but stomach flu hit me badly and I forgot about it.

@Canon Regrets: I could write essays on this but that would mainly be about me being less involved in various legal campaigns in my area.

My canon-matching regret is: Never patching my relationship up with friends and family after I left my hometown at 18 (and returned 3 years afterwards). People never trusted me again (for good reasons) and I felt it was way too late, so I avoided everyone.

My canon divergent regret: Never noticed anything dodgy going around my hometown until I returned. I also knew that my father was shady but not the extent of it and I am sure that I still don't know about the full scope of the damage that him and his friends did. I feel that if I noticed - I could have done something.

@Canon Games: That has recently bothered me as I remembered local teens playing a tabletop roleplaying game that sounded like a crossover between Cyberpunk 2022 and the video game series Civilisation. It was like a Steampunk strategic game where everyone took on the role of a diplomat representing a fictional country. It sounded very cool and I wish I knew the name :( . Otherwise, we mainly had card games. There was one board game where you had to get your pin to the end first which was very simple. I loved it as a kid. Nobody wanted to play it with me as everyone got bored of it :( .

#⚜️🔥🚬

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[havesomewords]

As a side note: I had other minor past lives and still sort of matched - I presume disabilities are just an important part of me. It is interesting though! I was a natural ginger only once, though :(

@Canon Colour Game: I am associated with red, because of being a ginger and being the local pyromaniac ('one of the local pyromaniacs' sounds a bit too sad)

@Canon Disability Game: That is a good question - our healthcare was less than stellar and fairly outdated (compared to here and now). I was certainly half-blind and half-deaf (the first matches me right now but the other is worse and I am fully deaf), chronic joint pain (have it now due to kEDS), insomnia (could have been narcolepsy similar to now but nobody tested me back then), PTSD, anaemia, some form of permanent depression (now: bipolar) that wasn't unipolar but nobody was researching the topic locally. I suspect I had ADHD (sameish to present) but that is a suspicion, the same as me trying to cure it with booze. Overall, I was healthier! We lacked any disability support, adaptations or education so no such category existed beyond 'being infirm' or 'feeble-minded' - both were treated by never leaving home or being sent to a 'lovely' institution.

#⚜️🔥🚬

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[havesomewords]

I took a look and OP is actually right - if you click on the blog directly from the feed in the app, it doesn't show pinned posts at all (or the menu if there is one).

This is how it looks in Android on s23.

I am fairly sure I did see the pinned post in the app before but I need to test it and see if it still is true, because I normally view Tumblrs on Firefox on my phone so everything shows up fine (I recommend that as Chrome lags more and Opera doesn't show all of the newest HTML or CSS. I stopped using Safari but it matched Opera on Android around three years back).

I'll update after looking through the app. It might have been the update that removed Tumblr Live that killed the pinned posts but unsure.

Update: Nope, I can't see any pinned posts on blogs other than mine on any of their pages. So, it really is buggerred but someone has to test other systems as maybe it works fine on iPhones or Windows phones (do people still have these?).

Update 2: It gets weirder. I can see the pinned posts of people if I click on their accounts under the like section but not in any other way. That must be related to how Tumblr sorts posts on the app, which is horrid and you generally get the most recent post of a blog and then their top posts if you choose an account from your feed, IMs, Reblogs (those make sense) or Comments. Likes might be where it sorts in a chronological order while adding the pinned one on top (because it axes top posts?). I don't know the code of the app or enough about code at all to decipher it.

FINAL UPDATE: I found the solution! When you go to any blog on the app - refresh it by doing a 'tugging down' motion and the pinned post appears afterwards. I never suspected it could be so simple.

[ to answer the other bit on mental health ]

OP, I doubt you want to disappear, because it sounds like you want to be understood and are having a horrid phase (well, a phase can be really long and my word choices suck) which makes everything seem dark as hell.

It would be a truism to say everything passes and we learn to deal with pain as we go because it is bullshite for some. I nor anyone else know what you went through or how it resonates with you now. It sucks to deal with it alone and without anyone or anything to relate to.

Still, people are as nuanced and as weird as anybody - some just vary less or in a different way but I promise you that there's plenty similar to you and I'm not saying it without empirical evidence, because in my short life, I met loads and loads and loads of fiction-affiliated folks (no clue how some would identify and back then I lived in Poland that just discovered the term 'otherkin' while EU started using 'fictionkin' to mean a singlet that was similar to a 'fictive'). There were quite a few mental health specialists too but those were mainly plural systems.

We all go through life differently and we favour different things plus it depends on your environment in how open can you be or want to be. People often misbelieve me when I say that I never got shit for being a very loud and over-sharey fictive (well, I was more of 'loud about being reincarnated', as my source is very recent, and being a part of a system) but I never had. Hell, a lot of my peers were similar and we had no clue why or how as we had no internet and nobody considered it an issue. I did get into some arguments for being aggressive about physical disability and mental health accommodations or discrimination because I am ginger and mean.

It could be that your area is crap and lacks any specialists that would suit you or any that would be safe for you. It could be that there is nobody like you anywhere near or maybe anywhere at all as I am writing this because I am in a similar depressive episode but it just sounds similar to me based on this one post. Living with a great number of past/present issues or traumas is never easy and we all process it differently, so you might want a break and that's logical - we all should spoil ourselves but human brains are generally the worst critics of themselves, so try to go easy on yourself. Don't leave forever as your presence will be missed - hell, I don't know you and I'd miss you purely because I can.

As a really odd note: Writing tone can be hard to discern and I assume that is why you read the mod as coming off as mean. Dunno why but it is a common issue nowadays as I saw it recently - could be because people found a way to talk about it or maybe our areas just started to be more diverse about this. Most folks are probably neutral at most times and this is how I read any mod - I used to mod stuff too a long time ago :|

I have no one in real life who would and could understand, or talk to. It's impossible to explain the kin and fictive connection to my pain, to people or doctors without being sent away. I'm a mobile user who doesn't and can't have access to your rules unless they're pinned to the blog. It doesn't matter anymore, though. Your open meanness has made me certain in needing to permanently disappear, so thank you for being my final reason. Don't post my asks, I want to completely disappear.

Can I get some context, keywords, custom tags or signoffs, or names to go with this message? I'm confused? Which confessions in the inbox or queue do you want deleted?

also the tag #blogpages has all the blog pages as text post, for mobile users, like it says in the blog description! I think think not having them pinned is not mean at all? Like, that is what we had to do before tumblr ever had pinned posts!

mod party cat!

[havesomewords]

It was written in the way Mod Party Cat says and as a parody of people who tend to relish in how 'evil' they are. It was slightly hostile, as I interpreted that post as slightly hostile and not towards myself but the folks the poster knew and who knows - they might have read his and I gave into a whim of writing it.

It is a bias due to other Dottores on this blogs who have written similar posts, usually not aimed at anyone in specific. When someone is very much into their own 'evilness' they tend to dislike it being unnoticed the most, so that was my logic.

I am still stuck in the internet of the yore and netiquette changed a lot over the years so pardon my mistakes. Should be slightly less impulsive.

I wish I saved a draft of this post so this makes sense!

Replying to : https://www.tumblr.com/fictionkinfessions/754466913175896064/recent-dottore-who-hates-me-your-beautiful?source=share

Im the Dottore, and that's cool and all but this feels so hostile like I'm not talking about you specifically haha I'm talking about /my/ versions of these characters. Was not a personal attack towards you. Thanks

Hey iI'm sorry, I thought that anon was being over the top in a humorous way. Kind of like how people pretend to be ultra gritty Jokers and say super outrageous but nonsensical grimdark stuff. That's deleted now

and @ #⚜️🔥🚬 maybe go work on yourself a little. or a lot.

[havesomewords]

My third tribute this year to my fab parental unit

I never remember when any Family Member of the Hour is celebrated, because I have to deal with around four different dates.

So, here is a belated Happy Father's day to ... the poor woman who got stranded with me in this life! She insists on being both and celebrating all the possible holiday dates. Frankly, she sucked at being a parent but she knew it and became a good friend of mine instead. I'd decidedly would be six feet under if not for her. She is a person who will randomly drive with you to the middle of nowhere just for the sake of it while blasting cheesy music ... in the middle of the night ... and then get into a water splashing war in the darkness ... because both of you have insomnia. She will also debate the silliest and the most serious issues with you and buy you the same book for Christmas as you did for her because both of you read all of the libraries out of books. At the same time, she will back you up in any fist fight, even if you both lose but it is the thought that matters. What is the most important to me? She will be equally great to anyone and if she finds hungry kids on her doorstep - she will lie that she has loads of food while telling you to hide so that the children don't suspect she has a kid whose dinner they will be eating. And she will back up any teenage misfit or a rebel and cheer them on. I could go on and on but...

My own father was the smarmiest, shadiest arsewipe whose sole goal in life was power in the form of having everyone think how great he is besides his robust network of organised crime partners. He thought that I was an extention of him and all was well when I was apathetic enough to be a quiet, nodding kid who had no opinions but I developed some when I grew up. Surprisingly, while he did argue with me - he never considered me as his enemy because he never thought that I was serious or mature enough. When he was alive, I considered him mediocre and distant but it turned out that because of that - I completely missed all of the signs of his wrongdoings. I'm still fucked up due to him and I probably will be until the end of time so thank you to the woman who looked at this mess that I am and didn't run off screaming.

I hope that one day I will be a better father because of it.

#⚜️🔥🚬

x

[havesomewords]

It does suck. Ah, Teyvat - what an enigma it was. You do not speak highly of Mondstadt - I'm rather interested. If comfortable, do tell more, I'm curious to see how aligned our memories are. Despite being from vastly different areas, my interest prevails.

I suppose we do have something in common for certain though, family woes seem to follow us both.

- E.

That might take an entire library of books to explain Mondstadt and its history but to shortly summarise it: every nation was in a constant state of war and had a great many of internal civil armed conflicts. Each major one that ended with one faction winning over the other had a full history/evidence sweep just to make deciphering previous events harder.

Mondstadt of my time was a post-colonialist, libertarian hellhole with royalty transforming into oligarchy. The 'colonialist' part was the one swiped under the rug, because nobody heard of any colonies... largely because the knowledge of them was wiped out or they got all killed. It made maps really confusing and I am fairly certain that there was a country between Sumeru and Mondstadt that was axed around 100 years before I got born and merged into both. The bigger mystery was if there was anything outside of Teyvat (including underground) because the continent was completely gridlocked. I was a part of a network of informants and we had contacts that helped people escape but due to how dangerous it was - we never learnt what happened afterwards becuase none of us had enough data to make the full picture. It sounds like we were very organised but we were all just trying to hoard anything - art, music, photos, literature - and decipher them to learn about the past ... or the present.

In legal terms just pertaining to Mondstadt - being gay was decriminalised when I was 10 and you still risked being institutionalised or sent to a work camp (my Teyvat loved those and refugee camps which were still work camps but with more prison thrown into the mix). Liyue sort of stopped persecuting homosexuality but the laws were unclear and any queer club was technically illegal. The one me and my best friend loved to go to was raided each month. Slavery was made illegal around 50 years before I was born in phases but ... only when it pertained citizens of Mondstadt so if someone wanted to buy a whole person abroad - they could but transporting them into the borders was illegal. Once you managed that? Nobody persecuted those that wished to own human beings. Health care was ... dubious - we had clinics and hospitals but they were all paid - insurance as a concept never existed and there was no such thing as mental heath care. We started to get therapists but they were horrid at best and dangerous at worst - when I booked an appointment with one to get advice on being sober - he told me to stop being gay and that alcohol addiction was just media propaganda. Employee rights or employment overall was a wild west because there was no laws beyond working hours and the best one could do, if you had a business, was to make everyone business partners because then they could be a legal party in court cases if they got harmed during work.

The problem was that ... all of the nations were like this besides Natlan, which had a permament civil war and was pretty much a wasteland. Armies from other nations sent units there if they wanted to rake in funding, because the factions in the conflict kept changing every week so one could really hone on the populism.

Sometime before I died - we did get into something of a World War 2 if one would consider the Cataclysm the World War 1 (in my history - it was pretty much an armed conflict as our Archons were only present when they wished to cause gigantic natural disasters while those in the source's canon were something akin to our prophets so they served as body vessels but they were also their own people) and it went badly to the extent loads of people died or I died in a specific operation (of evacuating people) - hard to say. My memories are a bit weird and messy nowadays due to brain damage sponsored by a dead brain tumour and an older case of amnesia so the problem is that they get tangled with the history of areas that my current relatives live or are from. They all had similar events and backgrounds but over a longer period of time and a larger area. For example - one place had a whole language axed by nationalism and gentrification plus war propaganda and it led to nobody remembering the written form so history of the region is only present in the form of being passed down to younger generations.

I am trying to write everything down whenever I go down a rabbit hole of thinking about a subject but it will take years :') . Sorry for the waffle but I am a history nerd and I'd love to know which area are you from and how does it differ from mine or its depiction. I did run into people with many different interesting histories - none were as extremely differing as I think mine is (but I bet I am a grain of sand on the beach, because most folks probably don't write on the internet, so I am willing to guess that there is much more awful versions and hell - this planet has worse countries in contemporary history).

[havesomewords]

I am not someone who you are looking for, despite sharing the same source material, though I had to say that I find your writings insightful - you have lived and breathed a reality similar (if not the same) as my own. I wish you luck in finding those in which you seek.

- E.

Thank you! I sort of dread the idea of coming across anyone who lived there because I generally want people to have lived in lovely places. Unfortunately, I came across several folks also from similar areas and it sucks you also were from one. It is never easy to deal with and hard to find anything relatable but that also applies to growing up far from what societies decide to dub the norm. So, if my mad ramblings make sense to anyone, it is the best compliment. I hope you succeed in anything you wish too, anon!

As a PS. I only known one person with a name starting with an E. and it was my former co-worker and a sister to my first boyfriend but we never really known one another well which is strangely odd because our temperaments matched (or maybe this is why! we were too similar!)

[havesomewords]

I am the one who replied and replying again because it seems we like mirroring one another.

I met loads of versions of my adopted brother too and most are very cool people but they made me realise that my own disliked me, which I always suspected but never confirmed. Although, as I said - I did deserve it.

Interacting with people who are other versions of those you met before is hard and harder the closer these folks were to you, because you see a lot of things from different perspectives. It can be helpful but not neccessarily optimistic.

It is a shame you ran into shitty people but as with anything - there's as many grand ones around because the universes are infinite and all.

If you ever want to vent, hit me up as I like hearing venting ... or anything ... I am insufferably chatty.

Im the diluc from a few days ago that struggles with hatred for my brother - or what people consider to be my brother - and I think my ask came from a lot of anger that I just can't find a good one in this life. Every single version I've met of my beother in this life has either been terrible people or they interact with horrible people. I can't win. But that is kind of my whole thing isn't it

x

[havesomewords]

I am unable to relate to happy families and glad whenever someone has a less-than-ideal one, which sounds horrid as nope - I like people living their best lives but it's just good to be not alone in some things.

Replying to: https://fictionkinfessions.tumblr.com/post/752574171480014848/this-might-be-a-bit-of-an-odd-one-as-in-i-dont

Hi, other me!

It sucks you had a crappy brother and mine was great but I find your post comforting because I met only one other person who shared a horrid family in their timeline. It is grand that everyone else had good experiences but it's also alienating.

Ironically, the song you mentioned would probably fit from the POV of my brother if it were aimed towards my father who was the worst person that I have met. I hated that man who made me happen and if I have a bad day, I remind myself that he is dead and it always cheers me up.

But the tragic irony here is that it was my brother who hated me and for very good reasons (I was a prat, still am) while I liked him.

Families suck. I am forever jealous of those whose didn't.

#⚜️🔥🚬

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[havesomewords]

To add: I read it is a fairly normal feeling for those grieving separation (of any kind)

Replying to this post: https://fictionkinfessions.tumblr.com/post/752332336394289152/call-this-an-open-question-if-you-want-i-dont

OP, I wish I could figure it out too!

Generally, we all do or feel things based on our current understanding so looking at the past through a different lens has your present experiences and baggage added to this.

From your post - it's hard to say if you had feelings for both of them at the same time or if there was a discrepancy but love is fairly subjective and we love every person differently. Many people retain their feelings for their first loves and whatnot so it might have been something on the backburner for you.

Nobody can also predict the future, so you did not arrange your feelings based on modern times (or current timeline or current location or current dimension ) and it is impossible to plot everything so it sounds far from cheating.

But. I have no clue either because my brain currently also sees me as cheating. Chronologically: I liked a guy who disliked me and we never dated -> I dated my first BF and we split due to our teen drama and conservative town –> Moved on to date a long-term partner for 8 years, with whom I lived, and we sort of loved one another -> My partner broke up with me and I realised I liked the first one so I felt guilty for emotional cheating against my ex -> I died and popped back to life -> Had a handful of boyfriends as a teenager and a young adult - nothing too serious and all of them ended well -> Had another partner for almost a decade but this time we did love one another -> He also breaks up with me and I realise that I feel like I was cheating on the first one once again!

The only tip that I have is to put your thoughts down on paper and write letters to them both that you will never send - sometimes it helps to have something in writing so that we can get our heads around it better.

(#⚜️🔥🚬)

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[havesomewords]

I am like the plot of The Bold and Beautiful without the bold or the beautiful element. We did have a lot of explosions, though!

LGBT Canons: *cracks knuckles* It is time for me to waffle again. I was always very gay (I had two other lives than the one I write about but they are too far in the past for me and too vague) and very outspoken about it.

However, I always struggled with dating, because I lived (live?) in turbulent times. In my past life - homosexuality was decriminalised when I was 10ish (I died at 34) and it was still treated as an illness with people sent to conversion institutions. I was incredibly lucky due to having grown up extremely privileged so while my father loved to dangle the threat of sending me away - he never did because he feared for his reputation and never found a way to do it in secret. I came out at 14, with my best friend (a woman) doing the same to her family on the very same day - our parents had us engaged before we were born and we were sick and tired of that. They didn't really believe us, so we asserted gayness wherever we went. My father got himself killed when I was 18 but before that - me and my friend discovered clubbing in illegal clubs. We went mainly to drag nights and we both dressed up, so my sole regret is my father never having seen that or having me stomp on his head in heels :')

*coughs*

That aside - I had only two boyfriends and my first one was a typical teenage love where we both were idiots and sucked at relationships but broke up due to random drama and convictions. My father walked in on us snogging and informed his parents and they shipped him off to university early. However, we have already broken up or rather he broke up with me - he wanted to marry a woman and have male lovers on the side and no - his potential wife was never meant to know. As far as I know, he ended up with a lovely boyfriend and I hope he kept him and had a great life.

My partner from 26 to two weeks before my untimely demise was a convoluted story. We dated because we thought we had the same goal of starting a family and just living a quiet life but he discovered later on that it was not the case. Still, we lived together and we argued every day. I have a low level of desire and he had his set very high so in the end - we opened our relationship on his end (I am very monogamous) and it had us better for a while but then he developed his fondness of rough sex that I disliked and a general dislike of me too. He dumped me in the end due to all of this and we were together for 8 years and lived together for 6. I miss him recently - we were horrid for one another but we knew our flaws and we were always honest with each other. Plus, he stuck around and kept choosing me.

I also pined after one man and I thought he might have liked me but I realised that I just wanted it to be the case so I did a whole lot of projecting :')

Generally, I wish for the same things as I wish in contemporary times - when times are rough, folks don't put much attention to romance and focus on fleeting sexual moments (I am generalising) so finding any men who were into romance was almost impossible in my past. It is more possible now but I gave up after a tragic relationship and I still pine after that one guy. I was less of a drag queen though - just did it briefly when I was in uni.

Sidenote: I also refuse to adopt any position/power dynamic-related labels because I am sexually punk ;) ... and they make me panic.

Thank you for coming to my laying down comedy show. Because I am laying down writing this :| (and I have a lot of gay feelings)

(#⚜️🔥🚬)

x

[havesomewords]

I was wrong - never ran into the guy and I have yet to avenge my beloved ferns.

Dear You, I think we need to talk. I think you linger here as I seen many posts sounding like you but the generic nature of them always thrown me off. I scoured my brain for what is a thing that only you could know and well ... you will laugh but it is my fern collection. When I left our hometown and returned, you told me they all died and yet I kept finding them all over town for years. That is the best that I have, beyond being certain I ran into you before. Me, the one by the river. #⚜️🔥🚬

[havesomewords]

Alcoholism advice. On Anon. Please write the pun yourself.

@🏴‍☠️🚬🍾: I doubt that I know you but you remind me of someone that I have known alas it is slightly irrelevant, so from one alcoholic to another - stop drinking. Now. The loop of feeling shitty and guilty about drinking but obsessing over it → drinking and feeling fine for a second → dying of guilt and shame due to drinking can be only stopped by pouring all the booze down the sink. Don't look for excuses or look for ideal therapy as sure, support is great but it can wait. #⚜️🔥🚬

[havesomewords]

He never would have married me even if it were legal

@someone asking about divorce: That is an interesting question and I had to wreck my brain hard to think of anybody. We have a dormant fictive of Edgar Vargas who is divorced, although his wife is not in the system and not present in canon. They married young and then realised it was not for them and are still friends. I just had a long-term boyfriend who broke up with me but in my world - gay marriage was illegal so we never married. #⚜️🔥🚬