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[hazeshi]

Hey it’s day 2 well 3 I forgot to do a post yesterday but I felt really agitated at night I fell asleep at some point but it was really uncomfortable. Now I’m kinda afraid cuz I had a couple drinks with friends and I don’t really know how the treatment interact with alcohol so I guess I’ll know in a couple of hours . So yeah good night and keep me in your prayers

[hazeshi]

Hello so I’m starting this new journey on this new med zyprexa. I really hope my body react well to it . I ll keep you guys updated . I’m really scared that I’ll gain weight but it just means that I need to watch what I eat and go to the gym more often really.

[hazeshi]

Yo its been a while, i just wanted to say that im doing okay. I got an appointement with a new therapist soon and I really hope that a long therapy is going to help me . Keep on praying for me . I love you all

[hazeshi]

Lmao it was just bipolar type 1 undiagnosed

So what did u miss on another episode of nana ?

I’vee been breaking a lot of stuff lately mostly glass . As if my energy is overflowing and destroying everything around me . I’m fidgety I smoke a lot I drink a lot .

I try to point what’s triggering me but maybe its just me . It comes from within disturbing my natural flow. I m seein leti my therapist soon .

I m doing well in school , my mom just turned 50 ( woop woop mom ) , I got great parents paying for my student apartment, I’m surrounded by cool people. I’m a pretty young thing , I eat healthy, I talk to the universe every now and then .

Why is it that I feel so bad ? I even sleep nowadays thanks to my new pills . But I’m still holding my breath . I still have to remind myself to breath, to be ok .

I sank so easily and I don’t even know why . Am I supposed to feel like this ? Is every twenty something out there feeling way too much way too deep and floating around like a vessel or is it just me ?

[hazeshi]

Yotsubato!; Yotsuba &!; Yotsuba to!; Yotsuba; Yotsuba&!; よつばと!; 四叶妹妹!; 요츠바랑! By AZUMA Kiyohiko.

[hazeshi]

Akathisia

Shake out one arm

and then the other.

Flutter kick both legs,

toss the body over to the left,

turn back around to the right.

Legs come up

with knees to chest,

then pop back out.

Circle wrists and ankles,

and shimmy shoulders.

Stomach tries

to push its way

out of the skin,

as does the muscles

in arms and legs.

Individual nerves

beg to twist,

to move,

to be freed from the cage

of skin surrounding them.

The need to stretch

in all directions

awakens the mind from sleep,

and begs to be pulled

out of the skeleton cage.

If violent movement

cannot relieve the itch,

could more damaging actions

alleviate the screams

of cells across the body?

Can any action

quiet the firing of neurons

begging for release,

or will the need to contract

and to stretch

fill every waking moment

and disrupt every resting one

for some indefinite time?

2 November 2021

[hazeshi]

Man fuck abilify for actually working but giving me horrible akathisia it’s like I have to choose between feeling okay mentally or feeling okay physically

[hazeshi]

Well I’m down again . I tried to fight it this time but it just feel suffocating. Crushing. I know Its normal , it the way my brain works . But why do I feel so helpless. I know I can count on my friends on my family and even my therapist. I just dont have the power to talk to them . Why is it so hard to be and feel vulnerable. It’s like drowning. I reach the surface sometimes and I swim for a while . But I always end up drowning. Its like a never ending circle . I wish I could be more present . Why is it so hard to breath ? Is living supposed to be this hard. It’s only my head and my feelings but why does it feel physical. Could it be easier if I didn’t feel anything. How can someone handle the lows when the highs are so high.

[hazeshi]

#TheUnderGod

[hazeshi]

Hey, I know nobody’s reading this that’s why I’ve made this blog. It’s easier that way.

But I just wanted to write this to remind myself that I was good . I’m good .

It’s the first time since I’ve started uni that I’m confident that I’m doing everything right. It’s great cuz it means I’ll get to have a real vacation this year , I’ll send off my aunt peacefully and she’s going to be proud of me. I’m good really.I eat , I breath , I laugh. I allow myself to feel everything. Its a new year , it started in a weird worldwide pandemic but despite everything I’m good , my family is good and my friends are good. And I’m thankful for that truly. I’m starting to believe that I might really be high potential and that’s okay. Deep down it really just mean that I’m an extraordinary human being.

And I need to believe that I’m indeed extraordinary and that’ll get en splendid life. I’ll get to travel the world , My path will cross with my soulmates , I’ll love and I’ll lost but I’ll live all of that in a intensity I’m known for . And that’s also okay. I want to start acting classes to portray all the emotions I’ve bulked up insideof me. This might be one of my purpose.

So yeah I’m good , I’ll continue to have good days . My mood go up and down insanely fast but I need to appreciate when it’s good and not euphoric .

Bonne nuit .

Love, F

[hazeshi]

My therapist called and I told her I was good . Even though I’m not really sure I truly am.

My brother is having psychotic symptoms again . I didn’t allow myself to feel all day . And I hate that I’m slave to my emotions. I hate that I lie . I hate that I feel so deeply.

I’m good , inherently good, I care . Its a good thing.

I’m supposed to ground myself right now but my head is all over the place . I’m rewriting this cuz I deleted everything by mistake .

My aura is soothing, I love deeply, I also feel deeply . Its a good thing.

I studied well today .

I took a shower and I cooked .

I talked to my mom , I love her.

I’m better than last year, its progress.

I can cry , I can feel bad , its okay , its okay .

I’m crying right now that’s good thing.

Today was bad but I did everything within my control and managed to stay on schedule for my finals.

People love me , my friends love me , my parents love me , I love myself even when I don’t.

I deserve to be loved I’m good.

I’ll feel tomorrow and the day after but I cannot control it. Its okay . I may feel good tomorrow insanely good but if I feel insanely low its okay too .

I do not have the control . And its okay . Its normal .

What can I control?

Sleep , I got trazodone.

Study, schedule

Showers

Food

My breathe

How much I use my phone

I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay I’ll be okay

[hazeshi]

So what did u miss on another episode of nana ?

I’vee been breaking a lot of stuff lately mostly glass . As if my energy is overflowing and destroying everything around me . I’m fidgety I smoke a lot I drink a lot .

I try to point what’s triggering me but maybe its just me . It comes from within disturbing my natural flow. I m seein leti my therapist soon .

I m doing well in school , my mom just turned 50 ( woop woop mom ) , I got great parents paying for my student apartment, I’m surrounded by cool people. I’m a pretty young thing , I eat healthy, I talk to the universe every now and then .

Why is it that I feel so bad ? I even sleep nowadays thanks to my new pills . But I’m still holding my breath . I still have to remind myself to breath, to be ok .

I sank so easily and I don’t even know why . Am I supposed to feel like this ? Is every twenty something out there feeling way too much way too deep and floating around like a vessel or is it just me ?

[hazeshi]

Fallen Angels (墮落天使), dir. Wong Kar-Wai (1995)

[hazeshi]

I was about to write something raw but then I saw a gif of a movie by a filmmaker I like . It’s wong kar wai . His movies have a soothing effect on me . They re pretty , weird , intense . They remind me of me . They ignite a desire in me I had for a long time.

I desire to be loved , to hurt because of an incurable heartache. I wand that truly .

And maybe seeing fucked up sensitive people on screen is the closest I’ll get to feel what love is . Maybe my soul is too warm and bright to find his mate . Maybe I convinced myself that I’m too damaged to be loved .

Either way I’ll be waiting. Hopefully I’ll stumble on a story .

I’ll meet someone organically , he’s not going to save me . I wont save him either.

But we ll love and thats truly beautiful

[hazeshi]

Chungking Express (1994) dir. Wong Kar Wai

[hazeshi]

So I got prescribed something for my sleep and I dont remember sleeping this much its crazy. Its calles trazodone. In other news , I’m restless and I have to remind myself to breath . I got a big week ahead of me . My social battery is really low but its okay I’ll get through it . I’m also seeing my therapist on Wednesday, she’s the only person I really trust right now . I don’t want to talk about my emotions with my friends its too intense and it wont fix anything anyway.

Note to self : breath , slow down , take your meds on time . Its okay

[hazeshi]

Je vais écrire en français aujourd’hui. Je ne vais rien effacer et juste écrire . Suivre le fil de mes pensées, les poser sur papier et peut-être libérer mon putain d esprit. Je suis surdoué. Je suis intense , je suis bipolaire , je suis l abondance même. Je suis tellement de chose a la fois . Je suis moi . Et ces derniers temps , je ne suis plus qu’un miroir sans reflets. Vous voyez ca n a même pas de sens ce que je dis . Je vais recommencer, je suis vide , je suis mal , je suis tout , je ne suis rien . Je pense trop , je parle trop , je ne dors pas assez et je veux crier. Je tourbillone sans cesse , j’inspire , j expire . La nicotine ne me fait plus trop d’effets. Je veux tout casser mais je ne veux pas deranger . Je veux coucher avec quelqu’un en fait nan je veux baiser . A quoi bon se censurer même ici ? Je veux baiser et sentir enfin quelque chose. Je veux me détruire complètement et en finir avec cette vie. Je veux etre dans les vappes , je veux être comprise ou plutôt démasquer . J inspire et j expire mais je n arrive plus à respirer. Putain. Et puis a quoi bon respirer? Le monde m’aime pourtant. Je suis tellement aimé que ca me bouffe le crane . Ca serait plus simple de tout arreter si ce n était pas le cas . Je suis pas assez égoïste mais j ai envie d être égoïste. Si quelqu’un est en train de lire ceci je suis suivi par une spécialiste et je prends mes médicaments. Vous voyez je vais jusqu’à rassurer le parfait inconnu qui lirait ce message. Mais putain j’en peux plus . J’ai la vie devant moi , je suis tout mais je ne ressens plus rien . Ou tout a la fois .