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[headacheinahandbasket]

4/8/2024

Ever since the fight back in February, husband has been acting really good. He checks his temper, if he does lash out he apologizes after taking time to think about my side. He's been really good and I've been really happy with him and his efforts to improve his mindset. He's been attending a book club with his LoL league and it's been very therapeutic for him. Felt like he had made leaps and bounds and I would just have to get used to this new, improved husband.

HOWEVER, he was training for a tournament which he got gold in on 4/8/2024. Ever since his back has been in a major pain. I gave him a really indepth back massage with rocks and trigger point tools and essential oils the whole thing. Regardless, he's been acting like a dick. Like he's in pain and he thinks I am minimizing it. He's just kinda acting the same as before. His leisure is more important than mine, his work is more important than mine, his recovery is more important than mine. Like I can never convince him that I am empathetic to his struggles because I ask him to help me.

Sometimes I stop and ask, am I implimenti g the golden rule fallacy where I'm upset because he didn't do something I would have done if he had asked the same thing. Most of the time it's like, no he has asked me to do this before so I should be able to ask him. Idk. Just wanted to mark that there is a down tick in his improvement because he's getting real upset with the smallest things and I hazard to guess that it's just because he's in pain.

[headacheinahandbasket]

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm watching the Fair Labor documentary which is about the mental and emotional load/invisible labor that's put on women. Aaron was showing interest for a few minutes but as soon as they said "emotional labor" he just said, "and I'm out. Sorry baby, I know you want to watch this but I'm not getting into the emotional labor. We already had this conversation." Then put on his headphones and went back to watching his thing. Now he's doing the dishes without me asking so obviously he knows that he normally does that only when asked and later he will say, "I did the dishes by myself earlier! We are equal in our household tasks!"

[headacheinahandbasket]

Fucking why sit down and set a budget if we throw it to the fucking wind a week later? Aaron's like, "we're pretty good for money we're at $700" and I reminded him that we were supposed to be at $800 at the end of the month and he's like, "we spend more on baby's party than we planned for and went out for food and I told you we're throwing away the old budget and working with what we have not what we planned to have" okay?? Wtf?? We still have $80 grocery so like, don't touch the rest of the budget? But no, all the careful tracking I did doesn't matter anymore because Aaron doesn't want to hear about it.

[headacheinahandbasket]

So we're driving home and somehow the topic of earthquakes come up. I know Aaron lived through the nesqualli quake in like 2000. I mention the Idaho earthquake that was sometime between 2015-2020. I called it a 7 and Aaron goes off about how a seven feels and I apologize because I didn't actually experience the quake but I know people felt it and I was proud that I knew why there are quakes in Idaho.

Aaron starts getting more upset. Moves on to the fear that mount st Helens would erupt again around 2004-2005 and I told him I was in 4th grade watching the seismometers move, showing activity. Aaron said that they weren't worried about that because mt Rainier grew a lava dome when he was in 7th grade. I said, "no, that was mount st Helens. remember? I just said I was obsessed with it in 4th grade which would be when you were in 7th grade?"

Then, no matter what I said, he accused me of not knowing shit because I didn't live in this area and didn't know the fear he felt. I agreed that I could never know the fear he felt, but it was mt st Helens that had the lava dome. We get home and he changes his argument to "I don't give a fuck that you think the name of the mountain is important, the point of the matter is that you weren't fucking here and you didn't experience the terror"

I told him this was not an argument, this is me just correcting him bc I know I'm right and standing with it. He moved the goal posts when he realized I was right. He started getting so angry and yelling that "YOU DONT KNOW SHIT YOU WERENT FUCKING HERE TO EXPERIENCE THE FEAR WE FELT" then I told him to sleep on the couch. He said "like hell I will YOU sleep on the couch!" So imma go sleep in the garage room because it was unacceptable how he lashed out at me and cussed me out. The "fucking"s were so pointed. And this man thought he could get some tonight. Sorry, you can't get that when you get drunk and then act entitled and enraged ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[headacheinahandbasket]

9/10/23

This is the start of Sunday football for the year. I went out to get some wood. Before that, I cleaned out the car and as I was measuring the trunk, Aaron came with baby. He said that it wasn't 5 feet even though I was holding the measuring tape, clearly saying 5 ft. He wouldn't accept it was 5 feet until he laid down in the trunk and saw that his 6'4" self couldn't fit.

He has asked me before to not hang over his shoulder while doing projects because he feels that I don't trust his knowledge when I question his method. But he just did the same thing to me. It made me feel like he didn't trust my reality. The reality that says, "the trunk is 5 feet because a measurement tool has told me". He needed to be right. He needed to be the one to confirm that it was indeed, not 6 1/2 feet.

Then I went to pick up the wood at 10 and his meds. I did go in and out of the house a few times has I was looking for the keys and my wallet. I didn't spend too much time picking wood. I then went to Walgreens and their pharmacy wasn't open until 11, and since it was 10:30, I bought him a monster to tide him over until the pharmacy opened.

When I got back, he's watching football and I told him the pharmacy was still closed. He said, "wait, which pharmacy did you go to?" With a resigned rage inside him, knowing the answer. I realized then that his meds are at Rite Aid but I had gotten mixed up because he used to get meds at Walgreens. It was an honest mistake, but he didn't laugh about it. He just got subtly angry and said, "you didn't ask!". And then he said that I am really trying him today (something like that, I can't remember the exact words) because I upset the baby by going in and out of these house before leaving and then I was gone for a whole hour (not quite, maybe 40 min) and I went to the wrong pharmacy.

He said he's "not mad" at me, but explained that he is on edge since he doesn't have his meds and basically said that he's acting this way because of my actions.

I don't understand how someone can talk out loud about why they are feeling agitated and not realize that they have no excuse to talk to me like this. He's being an asshole.

[headacheinahandbasket]

It is 3 am. Felt like I may be manic as I stayed up super late and just wanted to talk to SOMEONE. ended up talking to Finn for two and a half hours. They do not trust the Aaron.