hearsed

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it can't be life or death! everything is life

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the masochist is more selfish than the sadist, at least when the masochist is me, and the sadist is you, but perhaps you know this? and you love me- why? is this reciprocity enough to sustain us? i suppose it must be, here we are

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zodiac sign? fav album?

virgo, and it is impossible to choose...

wolf, birdie, the front bottoms (self-titled), girlpool (ep), healing town... as of right now...

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my tongue doesn’t know how to sit comfortably in my mouth

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old embalming fluid bottles

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god talkbs to me about waht lies onn the other side

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all from bots, unfortunately

please send asks! i want to talk to you

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Antti Laitinen, 2D Tree (3), 2017.

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i have not experienced grief great enough to feel anything but gratitude

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no only child has ever felt so tortured by their familial solitude (lack of siblings) as I do. please I would do anything to play mario kart with my brother or hold my sister while she’s crying or get into petty fights or have enough mutual blackmail to know neither of us can ever snitch again

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this is funny because actually it appears I have only really had crushes on boys. I just didn’t know it at the time

the first girl you have a crush on changes you psychologically

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I’m housesitting this week, but I haven’t slept there a single night because if I leave my boyfriend he might die (and so will I). I’m supposed to be walking the dog twice a day, feeding her breakfast at 7am, dinner at 6pm, giving her frozen carrots if she deserves reward. My reward is $280 cash and a six-pack of various flavours of craft cider, which they left in the fridge beside a several-week-old liter of Ginger Ale in a plastic bottle. So far, I have only really been walking her once a day, and I have fed her just a single frozen carrot.

In my defense, most of her behaviours have not solicited reward—she doesn’t know how strong she is, so when she gets excited to see strangers on walks she drags me behind her, and I am not very strong, so, yes, where she goes, I go, and the strangers wind up scared of us both. When she realizes we are walking back towards the house, and soon she will have to go inside, she sinks her teeth deep into the core of the nearest object, usually a stick, or, rather, a soft, freshly-fallen tree branch (the kind that isn’t dusty yet, that still feels cold and bends before it breaks) and lays down flat. Even after repeating the procedural leash-tugs and vocal commands, she remains motionless, to be either dragged through the terrain as abject dead weight or completely let alone until she can bring herself to reckon with the limitations of freedom. Sometimes, she can be bribed with treats, or even lured with a stick, like a mouse on a wheel, chasing a square of yellow cheese on a string. She’s grown more susceptible to my deterrents from her goal to return to the wild, but I have authority to exercise yet.

Unfortunately, my ability to enlist such authority has been suspended for the duration of my stay here, as her leg was cut open earlier today whilst on a walk with the houseowners’ friend Ruth, who has taken her to the vet and will be assuming my position as caretaker, as she now requires more intensive, labourious attention (I guess they saw this as one above my pay grade, or they did not deem me reliable enough).

Luckily I still possess free reign over the house and will continue to exercise these freedoms until they no longer excite me, or they are revoked with the conclusion of my ten-day shift. I lay like a dead man at the mercy of my lead, failing the single job I have been assigned in exchange for my tangible (but revocable) reward, and still fearing the impermanence of my position. Next time I’ll do better. Get well soon, Stevie.

[hearsed]

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I need to clean up this account

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old man tries to fuck me, bribes me with $100 cash, I take the money and put my cigarette out on his hand, throw my drink in his face, he watches me pathetically as I run to the door, either feeling terrible about himself or getting turned on