heavens-k

[heavens-k]

Entry number 13

Saturday, 16th July 2022, 1125.

What the fuck.

I was waiting on my mom, in a sort of waiting room attached to a hospital? It was the living room of our country house though. She was supposed to administer an injection to me, but if it didn't work I would die. She was in a different room though, and in this room I was alone with my sister. I vaguely remember her being there although she made no sound or anything.

I also recall this being the supposed 2nd time I'd get this treatment. For some reason I wasn't as hopeful I'd survive it this time.

I had a small plastic bag with me, with what seemed like a dented plastic bottle containing some sort of reddish liquid.

I sat down on my knees next to the fireplace, looking towards the door. I grabbed something? Sharp? I don't exactly know, and pulled out the bottle and sat it on its head. I kinda looked up and lifted the sharp thing up to my neck.

I was killing myself, I belatedly realized.

Somehow, I broke myself out of the trance. The thought process behind killing myself was that I'd probably die after this session of the treatment anyways, and that the injection had to be administered through the neck anyways.

But then I pondered the thought of my mom finding me like that and I couldn't bear it.

I thought I should probably call her and see how long it will be til I get that injection.

I called her and she and the cabinet in which she was sat appeared on a wall sized screen in my room. She was sitting down, with her back slightly towards me.

She didn't say anything, but lifted a big sketchbook from the desk she was sat at.

There was a panel of X and O, that was half filled, as if she'd been playing already. There was nobody else in her room as far as I could see.

She then turned towards me, smiling, and pointed the sketchbook towards me.

I figured I was playing with the Os.

I start playing and notice that everytime she added an X, it would be a drawing filling the entire box. Drawings picturing masked figures in hazmat suits, and masked jesters in the background, long faced, wide eyed and jeering at the viewer. They were very well done.

Eventually it's a tie. None of us win, and my mom sits up from her desk and moves outside of the screen's range.

The next part is kinda blurry.

I cry a bit with relief from realising that I'd be administered an IV this session and I have 3 more weeks til the neck injection, the true coin flip.

I cry a bit for the realisation that I'm not dying today.

I think she administers the IV quietly. I don't remember really well.

I just know that, as I'm lacing up my shoes and tearing up, I start telling her this. The fact that I thought I was dying today. The fact that I can still survive more weeks. I'm tearing up at this point.

And as I lift my gaze up, I look at her as she smiles, tight lipped, and wide eyes fixed upon me, expression frozen.

[heavens-k]

Entry number 12

It's been a long time. 18 May 2022. 0658

Was walking w александра and хоря on the way to uni classes. She was under the impression that we had gym next period, but I corrected her and let her know it was actually Thursday and not Friday. We were on the main road back in my home town. We see тимэа slightly in the distance and start discussing something about how she's prettier than the average boy would deserve. Then we start discussing some weird gossip that she's got an insight into. We walk up to her and ask her what happened. She starts telling us as Мария shows up with a man that was technically her dad(he wasn't). She looks teary eyed and we end up sitting down at a sort of picnic table outside to talk. There's a big blank here. Next thing I know хоряs ex and her friend group are at the same table as us. He's trying very hard not to interact w Her.

His hair gets messed up and he's trying to fix it. Funny thing it never stays tidy when he's upset.

One of her friends asks him to fix it. She puts something on her hands and sort of pulls his hair to the side in an unnatural, ugly, mean way.

There's another brief blank here.

His face scrunches up in a horrible look(I don't ever want to see it for real) and his eyes get unnaturally red and watery. It has a sort of uncanny Valley effect. I almost pleaded with him to let me fix his hair properly(he didn't wanna listen to me in the beginning and let me fix it first). He eventually lets me.

He begrudgingly(and way too slowly) moves towards me. He sits down facing towards those horrible t h i n g s and I sit on the table in front of him to block his view. I tidy up his hair and comb it to the side properly.

A man walks by with a brown hound dog. Хоря gets this disgusted look on his face and comments about the dog always hating him. It was the t h i n g ' s dog? He looks ready to strangle the dog. I try to persuade him to look away but he picks himself up and I sort of move before I know it. The dog is suddenly surprisingly small, fluffy, and yellow. He tells me to move away, he wants to kill it. I grab the small dog and run to my apartment building. It's dark out already. As I run up the stairs, I look out the window. They see me as well, the whole group is following. I say to myself: they're gonna assume I'm gonna climb down on the other side of the apartment building. I try to place the small animal in my apartment, but slippers are blocking the door from closing and I'm afraid it'll run out. Now it's an even smaller white cat. I properly enter the apartment and put the cat down. The kitten starts playing with my mom's hair. She wakes up and asks me how courses were, her poor heart. I look at her and see her squint happily at the tiny kitten as it plays w my mom's hair and my other cats.

I wake up.

[heavens-k]

Entry number 11

Something that made me smile this morning: remembering an interaction with one of my friends and classmates from yesterday. She's the only one who takes permanent online classes while we're at school, and upon being asked how people react when they go up to the whiteboard and passes the screen, she said everyone firsts waves at her and makes goofy faces, and only then starts writing.

Oddly human.

:)

26 October 2020, 0811

[heavens-k]

Entry number 10

Starving and feeling like you're gonna throw up at the same time feels oddly unearthing.

A clash of two instincts, or two reflexes.

It's the urge to punch myself and-

Actually, following that train of thought, it's just that urge.

Or the desire to shatter my knuckles into the closest wall maybe.

To feel the bones collapse under the pressure, and the tendons snapping, the sickening crunch of fractures.

Would it be a moment of instant regret?

Would I be so out of my mind that I wouldn't realise it?

Would I be able to even feel the pain? (I don't remember the last time when breaking a bone had hurt)

Maybe I would feel the pain and just not do anything about it.

If falling to the floor in tears, clutching my fist to my chest would be a good excuse to finally cry, even only due to the pain, maybe I would actually be tempted to try it. (If it weren't night time, and if I didn't know that my mom needs the rest, and that she's working a morning shift tomorrow)

Wouldn't that be just horrible?

To have her not get even a proper night's sleep because I can't sit still in my own head?

I'm not That horrible.

I'm just horrible enough that I would do it and not tell her.

Just imagining myself explaining to the EMR staff at 3 am how I broke the bones in my hand and wrist; its sickeningly funny. Only imagining it is amusing though.

The embarrassment would be red hot and sticky, so much so that I wouldn't even dare go to an actual hospital.

Oh, the sheer anxiety; makes me halfway sick.

We re stopping the train for now.

I'm not in the mood to throw up again.

Throwing up from pain is not pleasant, but throwing up from embarrassment is just plain shameful.

I don't even allow myself to cry, cause man, does that feel like a chore sometimes(all the time).

I don't have the time to cry about this kind of bullshit.

28 September 2020, 0300

[heavens-k]

Entry number 8

2K-00100

I've. earned. my. brown. belt. It belongs to me now. I am wearing it for the first time in my life, and for the first time it is mine.

.

.

.

I don't know how to feel about it.

It feels like the end of a line.

I'm not yet sure if I'm going to be able to take the 1 kyu exam next summer. I'm going to college after all. I think there's no karate club where I'm going.

Sounds so ominous.

I just meant that there's none in the city I'm going to.

Kickboxing sounds nice.

But it wouldn't be the same.

After all-

This was a story. With hips and dips, highs and lows.

And somehow it was mine.

What do I do

?

??

???¿?¿??¿???¿

Am I scared?

Yeah, I'm kinda fucking scared.

I want to go to my room.

I want to go home.

I want to be alone and be able to break down by myself.

I kinda feel like crying.

What the fuck even is this????

Saturday, 22 August 2020, 1633

[heavens-k]

Entry Number 7

Everybody remembers the deltarune post credits scene? Where kris rips their heart out and cages it? Yeah.

Id love to do that sometimes soon.

[heavens-k]

Entry number 6

It is So Motherfucking Cold.

There are hands on my back and

On my Thighs and

On my shoulders and

There is water dripping

Down my forehead

Into my eyes

Down the tip of my nose

Into my mouth

Down my chin

And my neck

Between my breasts

Mixing with the sweat

And the fabric sticks coldly

To my shoulderblades

Clings to my collarbones

Bundles at my waist

Catches on my knees

And my good knee gets stuck

In a perpetual 45 degree angle

And I can only lift it

Because bending feels like breaking

(Mi se smucesc mușchii în tandem)

And I twist my guts around

To make the action possible

And the right point of my ribcage

Bumps into my left hip

And my shoulder blades clash together

They crash into my spine

Bite into my skin

Bruising from the inside

And my calves shake

My right ankle feeble

But I struggle to lower my weight

And tense my leg into submission

(Frig, e frig, e prea frig, nu mai suport,

ma ustura brațele, umerii,

Spatele, mainile

NU VAD

Te mai plângi mult?

Nu ești singură pe terenul ăsta

Înghite ți arfele

Nu ești specială

Nici extraordinara

Fii măcar minimul cerut

...ok.)

Why so edgy all of a sudden

Why are you so dramatic

It's no big deal, is it?

You always said you wanted this

Accept it :)

Rejoice

Embrace the cold,

It wouldn't be the first time

It remains as your only friend

At least you can be sure

It's always there

And will always be

When the last of your artificial warmth

Fizzles away

And the last of your leeches leave

You will be thankful

For your good old friend

The cold.

25 July 2020, 2107

[heavens-k]

Entry number 5

Ever ran kilometers on end?

The pulsating beat of

Two steps

Inhale

Two steps

Exhale

To the point of your nose drying up

Your throat rasping quick breaths out

Beads of saliva escaping

Unknowingly through your dry lips

Sweat running down your forehead

Into your eyes

Down your spine-

Your ears plugging up;

The rhythm is contagious

You just need one more

A person to synch with

Inhale-Inhale

Exhale-Exhale

Or maybe

Inhale-Exhale

Exhale-Inhale.

You can't focus on anything else

Just their, your breathing

Rhythmic pounds on the earth

Rhythmic rasps of air

Reaching your shoulders forward

Rising your chin

Reoccurring looks to eachothers' feet.

The aching of your knee

The pressure on your diaphragm

The tightness in your throat

The chaffe of your shirt

The burn of your thighs

The tightness in your calves

The tension in your shoulders.

You start counting the steps you have left,

Unknowingly

"Just up to that corner"

And then

"The next corner, there"

And again

"Until I reach that break of the path"

And again

"Just a little bit more"

Reach the distance

Reaching your distance; limit.

You can't walk to the finish line

It defies the purpose

(I shouldn't have tried at all,

Rather than walking to the finish line

No, I'm too proud for that)

So you run through dizzy spells

And nausea

And a rusty knee

Something that feels like a sprained ankle

Or a pulled muscle

Something that feels like your spleen

Or your appendix

Naturally, you can't tell

You don't care (naturally, you do)

You can ignore it (just barely)

Grit your teeth, damn it

(I know, it's difficult)

Peel your lips away from your teeth

Whip up the most wicked grin

Your lip catches on that twisted tooth

(It's a bit like a fang, don't you think?

The thought alone pushes you

through Your next few meters, clunky

But your head rolls back with a real smile

A dry breath whistling between your teeth)

And before you know it

You passed the finish line

And you're slowing down into a walk

And the first gulps of air are

Simply desperate

Not enough

And when you fall into a stretch

Trying to recover

And you take the first hearty, proper

Breath of air

The tension almost melts out of your body

If only for a moment

And you feel proud.

14 July 2020, 2200

[heavens-k]

Entry number 4

The sky ripping

The piercing of clouds

The shattering of sun beams

On the shoulders of a freckled huntress

Whose arrow, Artemis,

Empales itself on the moon;

From Mercury

An impassable gaze flickers

But pays no mind

For the growth of oneself

Only takes but time

As Demeter

They flourish

In the fields of Hades' favorite

On red stained fingers

Sweet and sour kisses

Of goodbyes and farewells

For nothing lasts forever

But those moments do

For weeping hearts

And iron wills

The expansion of time's quills

Persephone watches upon

Her worlds both balanced

On a rosy, dainty finger

Like wind-chimes

In autumn's icy howl

.

13 July 2020, 0337

[heavens-k]

Entry number 3

Words slip between my fingers.

I seem to not be able to pick up my habits again. Quite peculiar

I had the sudden epiphany only caused by having read such marvelous structures today, it softening my soul enough to get me to pick my pencils back up again after months of loneliness.

I feel grateful for the feeling of falling in love with my creations again, only thanks to my good friend S. B. D. who unknowingly did more to inspire me in a few days than I myself have been able to do in the past few months. It's quite

Refreshing

Hopefully it will carry me into the next few days without much difficulty. I happen to have missed it.

July 13 2020, 0322

[heavens-k]

Entry number 2.5

Maybe it sounds silly, but I wish I were a samurai. I wish I were one now. Somehow I would feel less confined maybe? Would be a nice feeling. I want a memory at least, a simulation, a dream; of what I could've, could, can be? It's highly subjective

July 9 2020, 0459

[heavens-k]

Entry number 2

Obscure and abstract pieces of media strike such a deep chord within me in a way that feels too primal to belong to this life. How I wish-

Just a wayward thought, but how I wish I knew what my past lives were. How did I live? Was i happier? Was I fulfilled? Did it feel true?

It should have, considering I feel homesick for a life I don't remember.

July 9, 2020, 0450

[heavens-k]

Entry number 1

Decided to switch the notes app for a tumblr blog after the last mishap with my phone.

Should be easier to keep track of them here, in the same place and in a semblance of order.

Maybe this time I actually get to write them down in the journal. Or actually read them at least once after closing the app on them. Hopefully. At least I can recover these if I fuck up my phone again.

I'm kind of blank at the moment.