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people say dolphins are smart but there not smart enough to not be Shity grey rubber tubes flappin about in the gotdamn ocean

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commission for the lovely @shatteredpulsars !

Thank you so much!

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Finally got a clear shot of noonoo carrying her spring, it's her favourite toy

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God I could watch these dorks dance with their cute ass chibis forever 💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃🕺💃

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so this guy? you know this guy right

their name is Wiguel

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are we gonna have to cancel Toby fox now

No and you are asking the wrong person I draw gundam porn

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jesus christ shane

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haha my stardew money says boob

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what's up man i'm an ant

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Mountain lion kitten attacking mom, Bandelier National Monument, New Mexico. NPS photo.

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hey how's it going i'm an ant

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im like a kitten, i need attention and i need to curl up next to you and i need you to pet me and tell me im cute

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Can we include darebee.com with ao3 and wikipedia on our list of really good nonprofits with excellent services that we stan?

It's a free, no sign-up, no ads fitness resource created by professionals who view this as activism (fitness should be accessible to everyone), and it's very thoughtful and thorough.

Features I really like:

- all instructions for workout routines are diagrammed on single pages with a clean, easy to read layout

- there's 30 or 60 day programs you can follow if you, like me, don't know what to do. they take you through a rotation of workouts so you're working different muscle groups on different day for a specific purpose

- there's so much variety and there's a filter so you can find the level and your goals and type of workout you wanna do

- you don't need any equipment

- some of the programs are RPGs or adventure stories! How's that for motivation. There's also badges and achievements or something but I haven't looked that closely at how that works yet

- they're nerds. they name workouts after D&D classes. There's a Lannistrr workout, a batcave workout, a witcher workout

- I've only scratched the surface

I'm doing this really easy one to start out

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Subreddit for window breathing online privacy sickos: Haha stop complaining about censorship! Get a VPN if you want to be safe!

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing, whose knowledge of programming and computers is limited to game apps where you push around a giant hole and snicker: Can you rec a good VPN that is really simple and basic? I need to shield some activities.

Sicko 1: They shoot you for making recs in this sub. Don't even mention them by name.

Sicko 2: Any will work if you install Linux on your three-dog firewall crypt0-modem and then run two-stream pissfiltering to reroute your ISP through the insulin pump of your last house's neighbor. It's easy and you're a fucking idiot if you can't figure it out. God, why are you even here? Oh shit. Can I say Linux?

Sicko 3: Lol VPNs don't even do what you think they do, they won't protect you from the feds or anyone else, in fact that neighbor's baby was born knowing your passwords and will grow up disgusted with you for being into ovulating puppygir-- *gunshot*

PrivacySickoMod: Sicko 3, you have been banned for mentioning the name of a VPN service.

(Sicko 1 spits on his corpse. I wonder why they bother using anything at all if none of it works, if there "IS no privacy anymore", but that's not the question that comes out of my mouth.)

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing: They named a VPN Ovulating P--

PrivacySickoMod: *moves closer and shows me a picture of my cat taken through my window, mouthing silently* Go.

I go.

One sleep later...

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing, in the rec and review subreddit: Hey so, I need a VPN, and I think it should be in the Seychelles or something? Consider me single-celled, in terms of technosavvy. It has to be simple, and also run on my phone and at least three devices, and I need it to be able to travel with me. Can I have recs please?

Arguer A: You're an asshole for posting this and not searching or using the monthly loser thread, which we don't have pinned because you personally suck. Just google for a list of reviews and read them and make up your own mind. But don't actually use Google. Use a VPN stacked with Jaguar Nuts. If you pissfilter--

Arguer B: Pissfiltering is UNNECESSARY and NEVER WORKS. It is NOT COMPATIBLE with JAGUAR NUTS or DIESEL. GOD. It's like babies in here!

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing: I've heard that JoobVPN works fine, their terms make it sound like it should be okay for most things and it lets you install it on--

Arguer A: NO! They're secretly owned by Facebook and still won't let you look at porn! They sent the FEDS to my grandmother's HOUSE for torrenting Slipknot albums! They de-intubated her!

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing: Are--are you sure they were the ones who--? Wait, was SHE torrenting Slipknot?

Arguer C, who has the aura of a sigma male with the knowledge of many memes: Your digital privacy is irrevocably compromised already, and there's nothing you can do to conceal your activities from a government determined to destroy you. A basic VPN will lie about where you are to websites, but the sites you want to access may note your digital thumbprint, so you may not be able to watch lactation porn without more complex--

Sicko 2, from the first forum: God, this again?! USE TOR ENROBED IN SMEG! BURN YOUR FINGERPRINTS OFF WITH ACID! PISSFILTERING! GO USE WIFI AT MCDONALD'S IF YOU JUST WANT A SECURITY BLANKET!

Arguer A: NO! They detect VPN use now and will launch unthawed chicken nuggets at you with a modified crossbow!!! Fuckshit, I've seen you on the short kings sub. You're what, the size of a rat, or a really big frog? IT COULD KILL YOU!

Sicko 2, also in this sub: THAT! IS WHY! YOU PISSFILTER!

Arguer B: Shut UP about PISSFILTERING or I'm going to install ARSON on your HOUSE!!!

Me, Fuckshit the Vaguely Afraid: Umm. So. Haha. About Ovulating Puppygirls. Is it good? It's not primarily about the porn, really, it's for secure e-commerce. I don't want my questionable purchases traced back to me and I kept getting told a VPN might help. It's all anyone will say.

Arguer C, who has just silently killed Arguer B for being insufferable despite agreeing with him about pissfiltering, pivots and looks at me like a snake ready to strike: We don't advise on illegal activities here. Understand?

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing, trying to deescalate: Who said it was illegal? Maybe it's just really, really embarrassing. Like, let's pretend that They throw us back to the Comstock days and my bank history shows I recently bought six 24" horse dildos and a 55 gallon drum of lube. It was legal then but I still don't want the Men In Black to know this, hahaha. *sweating emoji* I'm not going to torrent Slipknot or anything. I swear.

Pervert I, who has looked at my Reddit comment history and is now DMing me: So...horse dildos? ;)

Me, Fuckshit the Now Understanding Arson: YES AND AN OVIPOSITOR TOO, WHY NOT, JESUS CHRIST. I JUST WANTED A VPN.

Pervert I: You wanted to Vore Pussy Nightly?

Me, Fuckshit, James Fuckshit: I share this interest. Blocked.

MEANWHILE IN THE COMMENTS:

A man (Fuckshit) walks back in with pizza to find the entire thread ablaze. Recommendations are being flung out wildly and just as swiftly struck down. It's mayhem, every man for himself. They're arguing like they're wearing those explosive collars from The Running Man, and their heads will be blown off if they agree on anything. It's Strasbourg in 1518 and they have ergot poisoning and have to dance until someone is The Most Correct. Someone's entire skin flies past, like a Thneed.

Stories are ending here. Two brothers lie dead, links to Google spreadsheet VPN comparisons and review websites still clutched in their hands. One poor bastard has a printed-out Trustpilot review of Sharkjunk stuffed into his sucking chest wound. Four stars. I cringe away as a bad review on Wired flies right into the barrel of a TechRadar recommendation, which explodes, killing the author, asleep in his home in Fremont. The ground is soaked with unfiltered piss.

Me, Fuckshit the Sobbing: P-please. Someone just tell me what to do! I'm so scared.

Arguer 3, the sigma male, striding out of the fray, untouched: C'mon, Shit. Haven't you figured it out yet? (He removes his mask to reveal that he is also PrivacySickoMod, who I watched kill a man.) We shoot people for doing that here.

Me, Please, Mr. Shit Is My Father, sniffling and baffled: You...you look just like Higgs from Death Stranding. I don't understand any of this!

SigmaHiggs, almost kindly: You aren't meant to. We aren't here to help. None of us gives a fuck about you specifically. You're just a meaningless query, the bell that tells us when to tear each other apart. We argue to pretend we have victories. We don't make recommendations to help people, we do it to be right. Nobody's saving you. Nobody's saving any of us. Your privacy is doomed.

(All around us the combat continues. It's degenerated into arguing over Linux kerning or something, it's hard to tell with all the screaming. In the distance, someone plays the bagpipes. Or maybe it's a calliope, because this is a fucking clown show. I feel like I've swallowed a live eel.)

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing, taking SigmaHiggs' outstretched hand: Yeah. I get that now. Please. I want to go home.

(I know that if I do, if I tell anyone on the outside what happened here, I'm going to get the opposite of this. I'm going to get helpful and STILL far too tech-knowledge-dependent advice. I'm going to be helped until I want to fling myself into the beautiful mechanical simplicity of a box mangle. And I also fear that word of what I say will make it back here to the killing floor of Reddit, where they don't piss on the poor, they give you the ol' bolt gun just to laugh at how you twitch.)

(I draw myself up to my short king height. I try to be brave but...god, Reddit is big. So many people could see this. My words could end up being read aloud on a YouTube video with a little Minecraft guy jumping around. What if it breaks containment and when I get disappeared by the MIB for being disabled and trans and having six hypothetical horse dildos, it's this bullshit that I'm writing right now that becomes a bigger part of my legacy than Primal Bog Monday?)

(What if SigmaHiggs is right?)

(What if I'm not loved enough to save?)

(They're probably right. What's a VPN going to do against all this? I'm nothing but a bleeding animal trying to cover its tracks with mangled little paws.)

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing: Hey, Higgs? Can I go home now? Back to Tumblr?

SigmaHiggs, uncomfortably close: Do you want me to ban you?

Me, Fuckshit the Unknowing, swallowing hard: Do I need to say something bannable first?

SigmaHiggs, in my ear, breath hot: Would it help you?

(I squeeze my eyes shut and nod shakily.)

Me, Fuckshit the Understanding: Higgs was an Ovulating Puppygirl.