hellsideangel

[hellsideangel]

Who else hated Hector's world as a kid?

Scratch that U should hate it.

FUCKING Creepy! Them animals stare at you warning you don't use the internet whilst U here sounds in the water and I sware I remember seeing this 2d shark come out from nowhere on the website.

Like as a young child I'd watch jaws easily, walking dead go for it, that creepy children that reads minds and the guy who makes a psychic wall can't remember film name but ye that's cool. But that fucking 2 d shark internet safety jump scare. That haunted my dreams. Fuckin terrifying.

[hellsideangel]

Yes more on aoi. Mainly cuz this character resonated with me. Rn I'm labelling myself as biaro (bisexual aromantic) and so I saw alot of myself in this character (thou I know it's mainly projecting cuz I don't believe she fits into any specific category).

SHIT FORGOT TO SAY WARNING SPOILERS. WOOPS. MAYBE DONT READ MY POST BEFORE THIS ONE?

At the beginning shes presented as a weirdo which gets makatos interest which I love. Cuz I tend to make friends weirdly out of no where due to curiosity and weirdness. And she took noticed that makato was special compared to everyone else which peaked her interest leading to be her falling in "love" without knowing it wasn't love. I understand being confused and unsure about feelings what one should feel and what one does. An it is really complicated because there is love, lust, admiration, interest, curiosity, fun, obsession, uniqueness and well it's hard to know what if what your feeling someone sets within the boundaries of society. Would this be considered friends? Closer than friends? Family? Lovers? Because I tend to get close people easily and it took growing to realise and be aware of boundaries not to cross the romantic line and mislead people including myself.

Anyways, something about Makato drew her in and she accepted Makato as Makato no matter how Makato appeared. In fact she liked being able to see the 2 versions and kinda came of as pervert. But with her it seems she doesn't really think the way most do. Even with the question of do I join basketball or do I reject them. She very clearly went you don't wanna commit so just join when U feel like, why choose do both. And I feel like I look at creatures the same way. They just are what they are. And this pressure to pick a category to just live the way you want resonates with me.

Anyways, the way she hits on Makato felt sexually bi so when the turning point hit and it was revealed that she actually didn't love Makato I felt quite happy to see some form of biaro even if that isn't who aoi is. And they way they presented it with her grandmother blindly wishing for aoi to find her special someone or something to love and how she masks to reassure her grandmother since she knows the grandmother means no ill will. But she wished for it.

Later they introduce this idea of loving something so much something to die for. Since her father is a whale fanatic whales are what was special to him. Introducing this idea that if it can't be someone it could be something and how she jealous that she doesn't have either. In a way I feel the same as a kid I wasn't hyper about rock or pasta. I just didn't find it as boring as everything else. It started with a misunderstanding that pasta was my "favourite" and I kinda went with it. Soon enough I kinda discovered a range of different pasta dishes what I liked and didn't like and somehow made it special to me. With rock it was slight interest. But once I deep dived I found meaning and reasons to stay obsessed. Now I can safely say I love these things. I wouldn't necessarily die for them but I couldn't imagine living without them either.

So for aoi. I feel like she's in love with the idea of being in love. Having someone. And frankly her home life sucks and she's very lonely. She also masks her real wants for the people around her as if she's scared of she doesn't be easy going they won't come back again. This need to be liked. I wouldn't say I had that but as a kid I tended to bounce from one person to the next trying to make friends with people who clearly didn't want to. Didn't really understand fake friends boundaries rejection. I just saw it as this looks fun you guys look happy can I join? It used to be a distraction. Idk if it's the same for aoi but it seemed like a distraction from the fact she's lonely and has no one close to her.

When ryuji comes over to her place after a scare (aoi knows ryuji loves Makato) she says in roundabout words the only reason I'm relying on u rn is because I know U don't like me. I wouldn't be stuck masking it's ok since it wouldn't be an issue dragging u here. It would be if U liked me. (Since she wants to be liked not disliked) And I kinda of get the logic. It's alot more difficult when Ur like this to deal with people that like. The feeling you owe the people that like you to not disappoint them.

Anyways, she then says the begining thing I reposted that if his love falls throu and she doesn't love anyone either in the future can they live together. Which I just love because alot of aro feel this way. Wanting to connect and be close platonically. For me I guess I want the same but it's more complex so not getting into that but it goes to show she wants permission to be close to someone without the heartbreak of breaking someone's heart because Ur unable to fulfil their desires. The idea of suppressed Ur own desires for the sake of others. Then ryuji responds that'll never happen. Ull be fine. She cried and he goes you're actually pretty dark Hu? Which I love can't explain.

And then later Makato has a moment with aoi and might love her proving he doesn't love ryuji despite dating him. In this moment he says the words she'd been dying to hear I'd be there for U always. Mainly cuz she's been lonely her whole life even her family isn't a constant so a friend whose seemingly safe cuz they meant to be dating Ur other friend hugging U in Ur darkest moment saying I'll be there fills U with hope that being aro (whether or not aoi is) doesn't necessarily mean being alone.

She also has a momentary panic is this ok? Because she knows she's the third wheel. And the way she tries to get them together l, stay away and distance herself is something I love being portrayed because it's a sad truth. At least for me, once a relationship has been established U can't be as close, U have to distance and I've lost alot of friendships that way. In this one thou they return to her or that it's ok and stay close even thou she basically does break up their relationship. However that's good because Makato wasn't gonna fall for ryuji even without aoi. Which is nice to see that it shouldn't have so much pressure to not be the tag along not get in the way not mess it up.

The: is this ok? might also stem from is it ok to lean on someone knowing you can't love them back? Which is one most struggle with.

Anyways the depth of the relationships and characters is astonishing. I only picked aoi mainly cuz I was surprised how much I related and personally I love her depiction especially when she let the mask fall and it all got too real.

But I also love makatos story and depiction as well and ryujis.

#u never asked for this

#overshare

#need to share after watching and feeling

#this is my opinion don't come for me

#yes I know it's long sos 😜

#senpai wa otokoto? Okonotoko? Okotokonoko? Have I spelt that wrong? Oh well.

#my appol

I am so hooked on this anime!! Ugh. I swear she's giving the aroace vibes! With the previous episodes, it feels like she's trying to convince herself that she loves her senpai. But I think she's just in love with the concept of falling in love because she thinks that's what's normal. I'd be bummed out if that wouldn't be the case because tbh this is a good representation of being an aroace. Like I can totally relate to Aoi. I've been through this phase before. And even now I am also considering living with someone who's also aroace (if the chance presents itself, of course living alone would be fine too).

I do hope the series will have a proper ending. Taiga is already aware that he's gay but we can't say the same for Makoto. I think we are yet to figure out whether Makoto will actually fall in love with Taiga or not. He crossdresses and he likes girly stuff but that doesn't mean he's gay based on that. I just hope they get to fix their relationship. Whether Makoto would remain friends or pursue a relationship with either of the two. If Makoto prolongs his relationship with Taiga without developing feelings for him, that would be really unfair for Taiga. I feel bad for Taiga accepting to go out with Makoto simply because Makoto doesn't want his friendship with Taiga to turn bad. That would just be too unfair. :(

[hellsideangel]

Tbh I thought this show would be a light-hearted romcom background listen. Little did I know it would get me in ways I defo wasn't expecting. Can't wait if they do release a film but I hope it isn't a remake to censor or the opposite label (I like it being unlabelled until it reaches the epiphany/awakening point, not just thrown around and forced because author questioning or doubting their own choices) and it is a follow throu from this show.

E.g. makato is introduced as questioning what they seem to be not normal. Then questioning whether this is just cross dressing or if they want to live as one gender. The overall conclusion was why put so much pressure to choose, for now I'll do what I want and live as both. Thus having a label enforced such as fluid or trans wouldn't work without some epiphany scenario to lead to this growth or change. For now Makato is just Makato.

Ryuji has a crush on Makato. But labelling ryuji as gay pan bi just wouldn't make sense since he himself doesn't understand and often things he is gross for liking a guy. I don't think he has fully explored his sexuality or romance, but he has taken a chance on love, accepted a part of himself that likes Makato boy or girl even though he hates himself for it.

And then aoi at the beginning confessed her love for Makato. Then later discovered that the love she felt wasn't love, that she may never find love despite that being her grandmothers worst fear. Labelling this aro or aroace or bi or pan is difficult since it's not clear. But if there was someone who agreed to live with her even if they didn't love her it would be interesting to see if that would be a turn to point to realise who she is. But with aois character she may never find out which resonates with me. Plan to post more on her later anyways 😜.

Also if U disagree with me that's cool, I respect that. This is just my opinion based on how I felt and what connected with me.

Summer 2024 Anime Overview: Senpai is an Otokonoko

Aoi falls for an older girl, Makoto, and one day she confesses love to her senpai. But then Makoto reveals that he is an otokonoko- a crossdressing boy. Much to Makoto’s surprise, this only increases Aoi’s attraction, as she’s 100 percent supportive of crossdressing and ecstatic about getting to enjoy both the “boy” and “girl” versions of her senpai. Complicating things is Makoto’s best friend Ryuji, who has a huge crush on Makoto even though he won’t admit it to himself.

Meanwhile, Makoto is dealing with an incredibly transphobic mother, so he hides himself at home and lives in fear she’ll find out that he’s crossdressing at school.

This is a sweet, heartfelt, queer show with some very good kids and a lot of sad and happy feels. Prepare for heartstrings to be tugged. I grew very attached to the main trio in various ways,as they all have their own individual struggles related to gender, sexuality and heteronormative society. They're going through it, but they always work to understand and accept each other.

Makoto is obviously the central focus with the Gender of it All, and you see him struggle to navigate a world that sees gender in strict binary terms and tries to limit the ways he can live. The show strikes a good balance in showing the heartbreaking obstacles Makoto deals with but also showing the joy he finds in unexpected acceptance, affirmation, and connection. It’s sad when he tries to force himself to be ‘normal’ but it’s all the more heartwarming when his loved ones support him being who he truly is. A big focus of the show is Makoto trying to figure out if he wants to “live as a girl” as the show puts it, or if his relationship with his gender is something else.

I was surprised at how much I liked Ryuji, he might be my favorite. His struggle with his internalized homophobia and his yearning for Makoto literally made me cry at one point, which is rare for me with media. Plus, he’s just a sweet kid and good friend who puts up a laughably paper-thin "tough" front and you want good things for him. And that’s true for all the characters.

Aoi is a character who starts off as a comedic genki girl, (and to some she even initially came off as a chaser, but as her layers peeled back it becomes clear that’s not the case).  I liked her from the beginning despite her being A Lot but I was concerned she might boil down to the unfailingly Cheerful Girl Who Supports Makoto—but she gains a tremendous amount of depth once her backstory and personal struggles start to unfold.

Honestly, she really resonates with me as an ace person and her storyline seems primed to head in that direction, but I’m not naïve enough to think I’m going to get an actual asexual storyline where we examine how some people simply don’t feel romantic and/or sexual attraction and can still be fulfilled…and yeah, judging from the few spoilers I’ve seen, it’s not about that. It’s a bit disappointing, since it would really fit in with a show so focused on non-heteronormative sexuality, but y’know. We’re used to it. I never expect much. I will be interested in how it unfolds in the movie and hope whatever story they choose will at least be well told.

So basically, the show not only presents a love triangle where not only do you want all of them to be happy (sadly poly will not be the answer) BUT also a love triangle where each person thinks it would be better for their so-called "rival" to end up with their crush because they all love each other and want each other to be happy, but they all think very little of themselves. Amazing. A love triangle that’s truly all love but in the most hurtful way possible.

Aoi, Makoto, and Ryuji’s bond is really the star of the show for me more than any independent relationship and (though if I had to choose the friendship between Aoi and Ryuji is low-key the cutest to me).

There’s not many caveats to this show, obviously it examines transphobia in sometimes heartbreaking ways, and Ryuji’s internalized homophobia can be rough (I wish someone would directly tell him he’s not gross). I did find the pacing to be way too rushed in early episodes, but it evened out as it went on.

For something that’s neither good or bad: one thing that was noticeable about the show is it really avoided any queer terminology, in a way a lot of modern queer manga doesn’t. Again, this isn’t a bad things, and I honestly wouldn’t have noticed if one of the characters hadn’t met an older queer person (which is great! Love it when older queer people help the younger generation and show them they’re not alone)—yet this person doesn’t share any kind of specifics and how they identify is kept ambiguous, though they clearly have been to drag clubs/communities at the very least (as a blink and you miss it thing). In some ways, this might be purposeful, it felt like the story wanted the characters to be applicable to a lot of queer experiences, and one of the main points of the show is Makoto’s uncertainty about his own identity and not feeling comfortable in certain categories. Labels don’t work for everyone.

However, a few more specifics felt like it would help with adding context to some of the characters. Does Ryuji know other gay men exist? Does he think he’s the only one? I honestly have no idea. There is a possibility of these kids getting to know a wider community that seems tantalizing but unlikely to be capitalized on and sometimes the show’s desire to be nebulous about all this can feel like a missed opportunity.

Overall, I think this is a touching, worthwhile show about affirmation and love and the complexities of being queer in a limiting society. And of course that means a bunch of homophobes review bombed it because they apparently just now realized queer stories have always been a big part of anime. Knowing this makes it even clearer that shows like this make an impact and deserve support, and I’m really glad a movie to wrap things up has already been announced.

Give this show a watch, and maybe bring some tissues.

[hellsideangel]

Richard Brautigan, “Boo, Forever”

[hellsideangel]

Nimona (2023) + text posts

[hellsideangel]

An Irish Prayer found cross stitched in my late aunt's home.

[hellsideangel]

I had a vision

[hellsideangel]

[hellsideangel]

bedtime sketch

thinking about him too much

original video

[hellsideangel]

Has anyone done anything with the idea of "surfing on solar waves"? It would make for such a cool sci-fi visual.

Or, on the fantasy side of things, I'm now picturing some daredevil pixies riding those twirly seedpod things. That would be pretty awesome too.

[hellsideangel]

Love how the post initially went NOT ROMANTIC NOT PLATONIC but a secret third thing and the end one labelled it soulmates. Idk I just find that funny that this was leading up to a revelation in relationships a secret unnamed third option of being caught in someone's orbit and someone else was just like You mean soulmates right?

Also side note if the moon is just part of the earth is this an insinuation of a relationship with oneself therefore opening the metaphor gates to a deeper level of thinking to support oneself in their darkest moments to know no matter what that voice inside U will always be there hence you shall never really be alone? Or we sticking with awww 2 physical entities soulmates so was one now separate and different beings orbiting one another which kinda gives me Steven universe visions of 2 entities merging into one for a bit before splitting again. I think "independent together" sums it up nicely.

Im thinking of changing my name to Tangent now since I always seem to off on one.

So sorry.

Continue the cute moon and earth revelation. Ignore me 🤪

not romantic not platonic but a secret third thing [what would happen between earth and the moon if the earth stopped spinning as illustrated by xkcd randall munroe]

[hellsideangel]

WARNING DESPICABLE ME 4 TALK NOT REALLY SPOILERS OR LONG WINDED JUST ME NOTICING SOMETHING OTHERS HAVENT AND BEING ANNOYED TRYING TO SEE IF IM THE ONLY ONE

FEEL FREE TO IGNORE BUT PLZ VALIDATE IM NOT THE ONLY ONE 🙏

Ok I'm slightly annoyed cuz I went to watch despicable me 4 and I feel like I was the only one that saw all the references to minion rush and betting that the new 4 superhero minions are being marketed on the film for future game payment.

Like if I'm right wish I'm 70% sure I am well played. If not what are U doing?! Ur missing out on a perfect market exploration?! Anyways...

I can't be the only one. I mean the music was the same some scenes defo felt gamish. A cousin was like how can the film reference the game cuz the game is referencing the film. But like if U see this film compared to all the other films where I haven't seen or heard the reference I SWARE this references is. It's hard to explain without showing cuts of the film so Ur just gonna have to believe me. Someone plz say I ain't going crazy cuz this gonna bother me for a while.

[hellsideangel]

Sos I'm a Palaye fan too so wanted to share some of my fave quotes 🙃 (by fan don't quiz me I tend to separate reality with songs)

BROKEN

You know that I've always been broken

"But I see I'm not broken like you

And you are not broken like me"

You know that we've always been broken

HOSPITAL BEDS

Leave the living for today, and dying for tomorrow

I am so blessed and cursed

LONELY

I dug this grave I call my home

The only home I know is my bed

PUNCH BAG

Go get high on my mistakes

Your real, I'm just a fake

Heavens what they sold me, but now I miss the old me

MASSACRE THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM

Went from homeless to your TV screen

How's this for your American dream?

Generation why are we

Why are we so casual about these casualties?

PARANOID

I can't escape my thoughts

Are they real or dreams?

FEVER DREAM

We can be anything and everything

We want to be if we believe

Letting go

Of what we used to know

Fall asleep and make believe with me

We're gonna be alright

So close your eyes

Just say goodnight

MORNING LIGHT

You see my friend

Life is just a game

Oh try to stop me now

Oh I will hit the ground

Oh I will turn around

I do believe that this world ain't done with me

WHERE IS THE BOOM

All my friends are living my dream

I tried to sell my soul

It didn't go so well

And I want to go, want to live my own life

Want to find all the things I've lost inside

DIE FOR SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

You'll never find all the things you want

Breaking free from the chains that haunt you

You gotta die for something beautiful

You'll regret the time

LINE IT UP

I can’t slow down

Because I’m scared to stand still

I can’t go home

Because it feels like hell

I'd rather die

Than pretend like I'm satisfied

I have more but CBA to go throu them all these r the main ones I really like. Also for those who like Palaye YOU should defo check out some band I quite like. (Not all are English btw)

Here's my recommendations and songs to start with:

Badflower: ghost, family, promise me, move me, jester (better with vid), don't hate me, 30, animal, she knows, 24

Nothing but thieves: Amsterdam, sorry, before we drift away, graveyard whistling, overcome, afterlife, everybody going crazy

Set it off: lonely dance, duality, fake ass friends, why do I?, why worry, dancing with the devil, upside down, happy all the time, cordial

Halestorm: black vultures, I'm not an angel, love bites, familiar taste of poison, miss the misery, here's to us, psycho crazy, call me a bitch like it's a bad thing, terrible things

Ren: ok it's hard to get people to like this one but just watch the video of the song full throughout. Violets tale. (Then look at Jenny and screechs tale 🤪)

Sleep token: higher, take me back to eden, aqua regia, the offering, give, ascensionism, hypnosis, the night does not belong to god

One ok rock: the beginning, stand out fit in, save yourself, bedroom warfare, our last dance, broken heart of gold, liar, wasted nights

Bump of the chicken: (some not got English names so just check them out and investigate) happy, go, butterfly

Irama: le genesis to colore, melodia proibita, in respiro, Ali,

Maneskin: if I can dream (really good from musical I think? He sand Elvis song) , zitte buoni (euro vision) , laltre dimensione, back to black, valentine, if not for you, chosen, babay are you coming, Trastevere, coraline

There r other but like not every single song or just for certain songs so not gonna list bomb ya...yet.

Also there's this TV show called paradise city. And Palaye royale as well as bad omens song some songs you should check out:

Cruel game (though watch the series for the best thrill of the song WARNING EXPLICIT)

Cats in the cradle (it's a cover btw by the relentless = Palaye royale)

Be careful what you wish for (this one is by the flux = bad omens)

YOUR WELCOME 🫡

ᯓ★ PALAYE ROYALE PROMPTS, a collection of prompts / lyrics taken from palaye royale’s songs from their album, fever dream— part one.

( mentions of possibly triggering subjects such as violence, self-harm, death, drug abuse, and more. )

✦ ETERNAL LIFE

it feels like the worst days of my life, i still drown in paradise.

i didn’t think i could sink this low.

keep me company ’til the end, does anyone else feel this alone?

my best days are my demise.

i feel pretty when i cry, i’m so ugly when i try.

hallucinations taking off, i’m playing god.

i’m holdin’ out my hands and changing everything i hate about myself.

take me far from me — my worst enemy.

i wanna crawl away into eternal life.

✦ NO LOVE IN LA

livin’ in the moonlight, lookin’ at the hills but the hills don’t shine right.

lookin’ at her nose but the shit don’t blow right.

you can change your face but the pain won’t go away.

addicted to the fame but the fame is momentarily reality.

the creeps are crawling up to the doorways, they’re dying to find out what’s inside.

the creeps are always posting their photos to show off what they’re lacking inside.

on a private jet but you can’t afford your rent.

gettin’ high with fake friends ’cause that’s all you got.

i’m late for my own premiere. maybe i should leave, my dear.

it seems to me that the demons of the city wanna keep me here.

there is no such thing as love in LA.

they’re judging me, i’m judging you. we ain’t got nothing else to do.

✦ PUNCHING BAG.

go ahead and mold me. bought me and then sold me.

i’m smiling upside down.

now i’m all used up, ready for my close up.

am i pretty underground?

i can be your barbie, i can say sorry. i can do whatever you want.

go ahead and slap me if it makes you happy.

use and abuse me till i’m gone.

go on, make my day. go get high on my mistakes.

i wake up, i’m so glad i can be your punching bag.

if you want me, come and take me. because i love the way you hate me.

heaven’s what they sold me, but now i miss the old me before i got stuck in hell.

walking down the street, just a public enemy

this is goodbye, you bled me dry.

this is goodnight, my soul has died.

i gave you my all — you built me up to fall.

✦ BROKEN

i’m trying to be the man that you wanted to see.

cause i’m tired and i’m hurt, and i always try to put you first.

but you say i’m not worth it to you — so why are you worth it to me?

you break my heart cause you’re never home, always with your friends.

i try so hard but you’re just playing games.

i needed you tonight but you got high again.

heartbreaks and mistakes with no change. how did we become this way?

the nights are long and the days won’t end.

no more love between us, let’s not pretend.

✦ FEVER DREAM

don’t look around at all the faces abound.

don’t look behind you cause we are stuck underground.

can you see the words i’m up here tryna preach?

no need to cry, you’ll never find me trying to leave.

cause i see that you’re in pain from your pale and lifeless face.

tell me how it’s fair to put a loved one underground.

follow me into this fever dream — we can be anything and everything we want to be.

✦ LINE IT UP

i’m feeling like a stranger cause i’m stuck here. living like my parents is my worst fear.

they had some kids and got lost in the suburbs, working jobs they hated made them suffer.

crashing in these secondhand motel rooms, driving cross the country ’cause i want to.

i can’t slow down because i’m scared to stand still.

i can’t go home because it feels like hell.

and i’d rather die than live my father’s life and pretend like i’m satisfied.

so line it up for me, steal away my dreams.

cause i don’t need no sleeping when i’m diving off the deep end.

why should i come back to earth when all that’s there is tears and hurt?

diving off the edge feels good, i’m finally not misunderstood.

i’d rather die than ever live my life that way.

✦ TOXIC IN YOU

i can take another hit and overdose ’til you make me sick.

you know i don’t love the shame in my brain when i put you inside my veins.

i can’t take it anymore, will i ever even make it out the door?

all this fucking and fighting that i keep inviting could lead me to my grave.

now i’m self-medicating because i love the pain.

i keep feeling like I’m not enough but i don’t run away from you.

knock me down and twist me up until i’m all fucked up but i don’t run from you.

i guess i’ll asphyxiate — let my heart break straight in two and now i’m turning blue.

don’t know what to do. i just love the toxic in you.

my straight jacket holds me tight and says i’m okay.

locked myself in prison and then i threw away the key.

[hellsideangel]

This art is fuckin insane! Love it. Even saw the little logo stamp. The tree grown chair. I take it this a bard character. (If this a reference to something ignore my ignorance I hardly remember half the things I absorb through media)

You should defo make a DND tarot card set or something.

All The Stories That You Keep Inside Your Head 🎶

[DND]

[hellsideangel]

Once bitten twice shy

Now I know why

Oh to be a lady who would be bitten by a sapphic vampire at the ball😔💅

[hellsideangel]

Sold by the cunning distraction. Thou I find the experiment lacking. U tried guitars and violins but U failed to try the zither, nyatati, doshpuluur, monochord, lyre, harp, cantela or idk THE MUSICAL BOW. Yes a bow that's used for bow and music. I wonder if that'd work? 🤔. Thou like I said. Defo a fan of the cunning distraction but looks to me like a skill issue here.

Remember kids, Violins isn't always the answer! (Some times it's Atl-lute-l!)

Shameless* self-promo:

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If that sounds like your sort of thing, click here to join our mailing list and find out more!

[hellsideangel]

Damn gotta get to romania

The surprise gig under The Tree at Electric Castle