hellsspawn

[hellsspawn]

[hellsspawn]

you ever just want to cut even if you don't really have a reason just because you miss the feeling of the cuts or am i losing it

[hellsspawn]

ranty rambles

read if u want idfc

mmmm i looooove hurting myself by looking up my abusive ass ex's blogs...

but i also like knowing that none of them are active anymore. but looking thru all their last posts after we escaped them, i see posts all related to our alters and their matching halves of their system from our shared sources.

i dont miss them and we NEVER want to see them in person or online again, not after what they did, but i do find myself longing for what we used to be before the bad and ugly.

but it also was a red flag they were 'creating' alters to match with ours.... none of those relationships felt natural or safe....

we love our current partner so much, but we miss having a partner system who genuinely understood us, ALL of us. we dont even know if he remembers us telling him about us.

if he does even remember us trying to explain it, we dont think he gives a shit or he doesnt believe in did/us being multiple.

especially now that were sick, were having someone fronting more than it ever has in front of him, and he kind of blew up on us... lets just hope our sickness is over soon so Y can go back into hiding. it doesnt even like being front bc it literally is only around for 'caretaking' purposes in the barest form. feed body, water body, clean body, rest the body. it does not 'do relationships' (prev bad experiences have made it avoidant of people in general)

it also has been snapping at everyone around it when fronting, we dont allow it to go solo front bc of this reason but its influence be hella strong bc everyone feels like shit and doesnt have energy to really help...

heehee but did is just having funny characters be ur friends in ur head right???? absolute nothing could go wrong right???? did totally doesnt skew relationships and perspectives of our loved ones.... right???????

[hellsspawn]

Burnout is a jockey and he's riding me to death.

[hellsspawn]

[hellsspawn]

fun fact the off switch to my attitude is in the back of my throat

[hellsspawn]

I wanna get to the point where I like don’t really get horny much in a physical way but I enjoy sex anyway for like the physical sensation but primarily like as a way to please my partner. Sort of in a free use kind of way, but not really in an any time any place sort of way. I want it to simply to not be a factor whether I want it or not. If they want to give me an orgasm, it’s only because they want to see how i react. Maybe some days they‘re angry or annoyed about something else, overwhelmed and wanting quiet, coming home and throwing me on the bed without a word, hitting me when I whimper or cry out. Maybe some days they don’t want sex, they just want to beat me and leave me bloody on the floor. Whatever it is, I‘ll take it. I like the attention, I need their approval. I live for the crumbs of affection in between all the pain, they days where they actually do want to touch me gently. It gives me something to work for, learning the game of predicting their moods and anticipating their needs so I can stay useful. And im not afraid, im really not, because i know despite everything, they still love me. I think.

[hellsspawn]

some of you bitches are crazy af and into some nasty shit; Where is your dignity? Your self-respect? Your number? Whats your address? You free tonight?

[hellsspawn]

i should be grinding my knuckles into ur ribs while fucking u biting ur neck n growling i love u in ur ear not whatever this is

[hellsspawn]

[hellsspawn]

go on, fucking tell them. tell them youre mine. that they cant fucking have you and if they even try it i’ll split their skull open on a fucking rock in the woods.

[hellsspawn]

there is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with me and i want you to make it worse. btw

[hellsspawn]

[hellsspawn]

the fact that i don’t have a dick for you to press the heel of your boot into is a crime

[hellsspawn]

I am a dog at heart, a snarling, howling wolf. I am frothing at the maw, feral and rabid and covered in blood. My grey fur is matted and my muzzle is scarred. Come here and kiss it better, I promise I'll only bite hard.

[hellsspawn]

wanna know a fun thing about being sick physically?

free weight loss bc your throat just can NOT handle food 😊

anyway im back down to 88 lbs but its fiiiiiine

[hellsspawn]