henngenner-blog

[henngenner-blog]

Sept 4 6:37pm Welcomed a friend back home after a few weeks of her living on campus. It's one of the other welcomer's birthdays today. Spending time with them and the other handful of people there was really nice and I think I had needed to get out of the house. Best friends texted me while I was away- one of them was out with her family doing cool things. I enjoyed myself a lot in the night and the morning, I ate well and played with animals and read and watched entertaining stuff. Sister got me to drive the truck around a parking lot and down the street on the way home. I couldn't keep a steady speed, turned in the middle of the road and close to poles, and bumped a curb before riding up onto it. I was shaking and pissed off, but I didn't complain because I know I'm going to have to do that again if I want to be able to get around town anytime soon. Thinking about it bothers me, but not as much as someone with a phobia of cars or anything so I guess I can deal with it. Sadly I've just been in a bad mood since I got home. Slept a while, ate and tried not to talk to my siblings very much, read a few pages of a few comics because the rest wouldn't load, and now I'm just all irritated that I can't look at much of other people's work and I know I'm not going to fill the time doing my own work. Plotting is hard, drawing is hard, developing and displaying a consistent version of my own stories and characters is hard. Sleeping is all I want to do. Waa waa.

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Sept 1 around 8:20 pm Was emotional for like a month before my period came (late btw) and still cry easily after. Was telling my sister I love her and started tearing up. Dad said "Aw, she's crying! She really loves you!" Sis said "Nah, that's probably just a Kiki cry." I asked what that meant and she said "Random ass crying!" It was funny. She started tearing up too, and we were all laughing. I've been getting along with all the siblings pretty well lately. Haven't had too much contact with my friends, but I still feel pretty close to them. When it comes to other things, the job hunt seems to be going well. Had a couple working interviews at a nice daycare, was told a restaurant nearby is hiring, and I got a decent amount of financial aid for school which I'm starting next semester and continuing in the summer. Need to ask where my friends are going to school, but hopefully I figure it out before I have to contact them about it.

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Aug 20 something 11:40 something pm I'm always sleeping and then I get frustrated when I can't fall asleep later. I start brooding about everything, judging people I know, being mad about little things, and it's not usually a ton of emotion but I want it to stop and then I start feeling worse because it won't stop. After that I'm just irritated with myself for getting so worked up, then I'm irritated because I was irritated, and like I've said before it just loops until I fall asleep or get distracted or something. If someone interrupts me sometimes the surprise makes me feel a bit better.

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Living and interacting with other people seems like too mucb work 99% of the time. Things that are likely to go one way can end up going another way. Not everyone can be happy. I don't want to have to see that.

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Having money is weird. Needing money is awful. I want to be able to treat everyone all the time, but my past purchases have made that difficult, and I know I won't be able to do much again for probably the next decade. College and homebuying are so daunting. There are so many little things that can throw my whole plan off balance, so for now I'm trying to think of safe ways to set everything in stone.

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Aug 4, 3 am They probably feel like they've been taking care of me. We must all tire each other out. At least one of us is unhappy at any given time and we just want the others to care and to pay attention to us, but we feel like what we give and what we take are uneven. At least, that's how I generally feel, I'm just assuming about them. They've expressed, what, disappointment or displeasure of some sort in seeing each other and me being negative, and I certainly don't like seeing them that way either, but I don't know what to do. I'm having trouble growing up and I'm just waiting for at least one of them to up and leave because of it. I want that to happen, but I don't. I just want to act like I don't deserve what's coming. That's what I always do, but when they have greater struggles than I do and I'm not a decent helper, it'll be hard to waive the guilt. We'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

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Aug 3? 11:25 pm I don’t like this kid, but people I like do. I don’t trust him even though I know he’s in a similar place as we are, and I want him to make a decision asap though I’m terrible at doing that myself. Jealousy is probably a big factor in my opinion of him, plus the fact that he’s a guy and I don’t feel safe with them. It’s just an ugly situation overall, but I try to be friendly with him because he’s important to someone.

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Aug 3, 4 am I actually went to sleep at a decent time tonight. Had a bunch of dreams/kept trying to continue one that seemed to be about zombies which is weird for me. V noticed that I deleted my tumblr and I felt important. Went around checking if anyone else did and if they have no one has made posts about it which is ok of course but my weak self wasn't looking forward to it. It's going to be hard, but I'll need to get used to not pinning my self esteem on people who barely know me. Imagine how hard it is to see people like me freaking out all the time, especially when they have their own problems or don't connect with others very quickly. I didn't mean to make anyone feel obligated, but I really enjoyed and appreciated when someone would check up on me anyway.

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Aug 2 2016 5:33 pm I was feeling all good and set in my plans recently, like a day or two ago, but now I feel dumb and scared again. It seemed like things were looking up, and they probably are, but all I can think is that there’s a negative side to everything and that nothing will go as well as I want it to. Instead of having bad thoughts and fighting them with good onee, it’s like every time I have a good thought a bad one comes along. And I realize there’s no good reason for this and I’m being dramatic, but nothing is interesting or enjoyable enough to make it stop.

It goes: I can start school later and give myself time to prepare, work, and practice driving! So I’m lazy and slow and I’ll just put off getting ready, getting a job, and getting my license. My friends like me and I love them! Everyone is fake and I don’t need anyone. The way I’m training and the plans I’m making for my health will be perfect for me! I’ll probably just end up looking plain or deformed and I’ll have to hide.

It’s not like most of the thoughts are super horrible, but they’re stressful and irritating and they make me upset with myself. There has got to be a way to stop this crap, but it’s eother hard to find or I just haven’t done a good job of trying.

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Anyway the night I deleted my main (after backing up my posts and making note of who I followed, fortunately) was Sunday July 31st I think. So now it’s 12:20 something on Monday August 1st.

I’m reading a few of my previous venting posts and just laughing because I sound like such a douche. I overreacted a few times and underreacted other times. What am I so needy for? Lol. Anyway, I’m trying to work out what’s the best way for me to keep in contact with my tumblr homies. I might follow them and make this blog private, or just delete or edit the posts that can identify me. I do love my friends, lmao, just don’t want to deal with anything right now.

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Deleted my main finally; wondering if I should follow anyone here. Ah, it would be nice to keep up with my friends, but I get stressed seeing them live life so who knows.

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June 6 11:51 pm

i should probably just stay logged into this since I keep getting all disappointed when no one interacts with me on my main ;o

anyway i’ve said before that i debate just cutting everyone off all the time, but idk if i’d really gain anything from that. would it really be better to not speak to anyone than to speak to people and have them not reply sometimes? would i be able to handle not hanging out with the people i love ever like i try to handle it when they make me choose one over the other or cancel on me? could i stand seeing one of them later after cutting them off? idk idk i love lots of people but i can’t deal with anyone, not even myself

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June 5 11:36 am

Getting ready to go to a social event in my honor. Don’t really want to go. Really don’t want people to show up. I’d be fine just spending time with my family. I don’t want anyone to come and be disappointed by who or what is there, so why even have a party? I get very tired of trying to please everyone I know. Becoming a recluse is more and more appealing even if I love a lot of people. I can’t entertain them or keep them happy like I feel like I should or like they probably expect. Relationships seem kind of pointless.

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This doesn’t help, by the way. Nothing helps. I feel wrong for everything I do, but I still do it. Wish someone would teach me a lesson. And I feel dumb for saying that. Wanna cut my hands off. Now I’m embarrassed ‘cause that was extreme, but it still applies, but there’s fear in my heart about it.

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June 2, 2016, 9:11 pm

What good does ignoring people do?

I personally don’t understand how my friends get any gratification from ignoring others, especially people they’re supposed to like. I get really tired of it, but I try to leave them alone since that’s apparently something that makes them feel good. But this is another case of me not knowing where to draw the line between what’s good for them and what’s bad for me.

What exactly did I do for everyone to ignore me all the time? They say I’m nice and they like talking to me, they tell me they’d never push me away, and then what? The three best friends I’ve ever had leave my messages “seen” all day, multiple days, even for months? Don’t acknowledge me when I post or talk to them? Have the nerve to act confused or even offended when I ask why they’ve been acting differently?

I just want to know. The cold shoulder doesn’t work for me, even jokingly lately. I can’t stop feeling sick, but no one is taking me seriously. No, I’m not playing. I don’t care if I’m overreacting. Why is it your favorite thing to be cold to me? Can’t we stop being mean for once? Could you not sigh at me or act like my other friends are garbage? Would you stop treating me like I’m the mean one if all you ever tell me to my face is that I’m nice and you would never treat me badly?

Blah, blah. Whatever, I’ll get over it.

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April 9 10:17 pm

Watching back and forth Underworld and Resident Evil movies with little brother, trying to fall asleep, thinking about all the people I’ve grown distant from

I wish I knew how to behave. I wish I wasn’t emotional like this. Or maybe I wish I didn’t care what people think. Then I wouldn’t worry that I was annoying them, that they only responded to me because they had to, that I would never live up to their or my hopes in our relationship.

Most of the people I left didn’t do anything wrong. I just worried that one of us would, and I didn’t want to take a chance. I hope I stop feeling this way soon.

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5:48 pm Feb 18 2016

Well, I actually started on this around 5:53 since I’m hopping from this page to stuff for English class, but anyway

I’m stressed! It’s annoying. TZ and M stopped being friend officially (they had a fight before and it was horrible for everyone), L is figuring out how she feels about them and everyone else, V and I are still kind of awkward around each other and I almost never see Ash or Chel.

I think I feel better than before, I haven’t had a huge drop in happiness for a while as far as I can remember, but I haven’t been able to stop all those bad habits I’ve been working on.

Yes, I have cut down the amount of time I obsess over things that go wrong, but I still do it. For the things I don’t worry about forever, sometimes I don’t worry at all. Is being emotionally dead better than being overemotional? I’m still trying to figure that out. Also, I’m still deciding how much effort I want to put into friendships and whether life will be easier with more or fewer friends. It’s hard being social.

Apart from that, I’m still a filthy human being. I go up and down with hygiene, man. My room has pretty much never been completely clean, but right now it’s especially noticeable. I haven’t been in trouble for it, though. All I know if I have to work on that tons. Washing up, doing laundry, organizing my desk, dresser, and backpack, blah blah blah

Also! Food. Food is probably the biggest problem right now, lol. I was told not to eat so much sugar and I’m sort of doing that in just not eating. Buuut I still eat sugary and salty stuff because that’s the easiest to get my hands on. It’ll take a lot of reminders and forcing myself to eat remotely healthy.

Annyywaaay i have 2 projects due Tuesday and Thursday along with who knows what else, L is ignoring my messages (ofc I mention her, she’s a factor in everything in my life lmao), my mom is probably moving out soon, and I’d like to tell a few people how I’m feelin’ but I don’t want to be rude or annoying so here I am!