highinwonder

[highinwonder]

Flirt

What gives me energy? What drains me? That's what it started as. A debrief from a workshop where the answer was self-care, but I was riddled with mom guilt that the very thing that drained me was everyone "energizer". My child.

Eddy, you help me see that it is better to rely on things that are within my control that give me that energy. Not people, even if it is my husband, Eddy who was the only thing that I wrote down that gave me energy.

So, I went home, got the news that Nurse Tish admitted my uncle in some crisis stabilization unit or something, and literally walked through the doors to pick up Etienne after hanging up with the nurse.

Eddy was out drinking with fellow managers. I was watching the clock as I was apathetic as Etienne cried about not being able to pour a gallon of milk into a baby bottle. I was just trying to stay afloat.

The moment your tipsy-ass arrived. I informed you of the news I got about my uncle, you started spitting off how this was the very thing you didn't want happen and I combatively told you how you were telling me the wrong thing and weren't supportive.

I left Eddy and Etienne. In that hour and half I was gone, I found myself at a smoker's lounge, sitting two seats down from a dark tan man dressed in all black. Not sure how the conversation started but I know I said something en español. He taught me how to say suficiente. I was trying to say I am practicing and telling myself I am enough. This life I have is enough. Eddy and Etienne are enough. After we went our separate ways, in the lounge, I still saw him in the parking lot. I drove to him, gave him "hell" for being in my way, and dangled that I was not available to him. What stuck with me was how in his broken English that believes there are some people that meant to be in your life momentarily or for long term, all have its purpose. He also ended the night by thanking me for letting him get to know me. Not to mention he said my eyes were cute in the light as I cried about being a terrible mother in front of Jersey Mike's. I cried some more on my way home because this stranger made me feel special and I just wanted my husband.

So, I told Eddy in the morning. I went to a smoker's lounge, I flirted with a man, he asked me to come back and made me feel special.

Even after stating he was supported and didn't mind if I was flirting with others, as long as it "doesn't jeopardize me or Etienne". but yet, he hasn't said anything sweet or even remotely tried to act interested in my day or give any affection.

Part of me is confused. Why are you going to say one thing but act on another?

The other part is angry. Your wife just told another man made her feel special and you feel nothing?

He said he's disappointed that the thing that I found that gives me energy was a stranger at a bar.

[highinwonder]

17 de octubre 2023

I'm not sure when was the last time I posted or even logged in. Alas, another emotional turmoil has compelled me come this familiar but yet foreign place to process my emotions.

Eddy and I had another talk.

I feel like I say the same things over and over. I want to feel loved, I want to be touched, I want hear words of affection and of adoration. I want to giggle, and to feel feel smitten. The irony is that if I bring attention to your attempts to show me affection is that you retreat like some sort of snail. Is it out of fear? Is it out of self-consciousness? Explain the psychology behind why asking for the very needs I have demotivates you and cause you to do the very opposite. I want to understand.

But then I feel myself swirl, my head spinning of all the possible scenarios. What if I didn't depend on you for my emotional well-being? What if I could make my own heart less heavy?

Ha, nothing upsets me like when you try to talk to me like nothing happen, as if we didn't have such a heavy conversation the night before full of tears and angst. Are you trying to take me out on a date to one of your favorite bands? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

I am hurt. I need to make up and kiss before we move on. That's nothing new.

This is what ten years of knowing someone leads to.

[highinwonder]

b0R3D

1. What bill do you hate paying the most? Health Insurance because I don’t even use it and the fact that they charge two different amounts instead of one total amount.

2. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner? New Orleans, a few weeks ago

3. What do you really want to be doing? Well... I’m on my way to becoming a practicing COTA, but my fear is that it’ll be ordinary and not world-changing.

4. How many colleges did you attend? Depending how you count it. Undergrad at Agnes but studied abroad in Vietnam and Cambodia (in those respectful colleges) and currently at Nashville State Community College.

5. Why did you choose the shirt you have? It’s my favorite band, Sherwood and my fiance got it for my birthday.

6. Thoughts on gas prices? Not bad, but could be lower...

7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning? Okay, I’ll only hit the ‘Snooze’ just this one time...

8. Last thought you have before you go to sleep? Please, please body, let me sleep through the night.

9. Do you miss being a child? As they say, “Don’t grow up. It’s a trap”. It really is, but I can appreciate being an adult because I’m not under my mom’s house.

10. What errand/chore do you despise the most? Dusting

11. Up early or sleep in? It’s a balance. I can’t sleep in past 10am or else I feel useless the rest of the day, but my body can appreciate it if I get up early.

12. Pet's name? Opie (and my puppy niece, Butters)

13. Favorite lunch meat? Salami ;)

14. What do you get every time at Wal-Mart?  Nothing in particular?

15. Beach or lake? Both are fine

16. Is marriage overrated? Depends on the person. Sometimes, yes.

17. Ever crashed your vehicle? Don’t jinx me.

18. Strangest place you've brushed your teeth? Camping?

19. Somewhere you've never been but want to go? Colorado, Austin

20. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career? Maybe? Who knows? Something in empowering other’s to embrace their sexuality

21. How old are you? 28 . 22. Do you have a go to person? Eddy

23. Are you where you want to be in life? Never, I always keep moving, growing and learning

24. Growing up what were your favorite cartoons? Honestly, I don’t know. I just watched whatever my brother wanted to watch.

25. What do you think has changed about you since you were a teenager? I’m more self-aware and assertive. and fatter.

[highinwonder]

Top 5 Things You Need To Do, Instead of Lose Weight in 2017 http://buddiesinbadtimes.com/blog/top-5-things-to-do-instead-of-lose-weight-in-2017/

[highinwonder]

This is the violet hour, the hour of hush and wonder, when the affectations glow and valor is reborn...

Bernard DeVoto

[highinwonder]

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you lived and lived well.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

[highinwonder]

This pretty much sums up how I feel about the whitewashing of Hollywood. Waiting for something to happen, puts us as the Asian American community in a vulnerable spot. Instead, We should look towards the online media! Youtube has provided a space where creators can make what they want, when they want, how they want, and with whoever they want. Even if you aren’t a creator, support the amazing Asian American content online! 

Wong Fu Productions

Justkiddingfilms/justkiddingparty/justkiddingnews

The Fung Brothers

Ryan Higa/Nigahiga

David So

Arden Cho

Clara C

David Choi

Kina Grannis

Timothy Delagetto

Blogilates

Dominic D’trix

Anna Akana

And so much more… support this content, and do not support whitewashed films 

[highinwonder]

I photographed Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood, for Paper Magazine’s March 2016 Girls Issue.  

[highinwonder]

26

Going to be an awfully emo birthday girl.

[highinwonder]

Yep, feeling this right now.

The best lyric I think I’ve ever written, and I think the fan favorite, is from a song called ‘Colors’.

It’s about a person who gets affected by their partner in a relationship and then their partner leaves them because of the person they’ve become. When, you know, the other person made them that way.

It’s a really personal lyric.

[highinwonder]

September 2015

Somewhere between hiking on top of the mountains and through the rainforests, he turned to me and said, "I'm going to marry you one day, and I can't wait." But really, marriage is just another title. I already know he's my life partner, and he feels the same. For in this moment, he and I only have eyes for one another, and that's all that matters.

[highinwonder]

[highinwonder]

Thank Goddess for this boyfriend of mine He grounds me, appreciates me, and is just excited as I am about spending our lives together, as long as possible. We had the best weekend with friends, went rafting, and spent the night in our city. Every time we're in Chatty, it's like I fall for him more and more. The lighting of the bedroom, the gas lanterns that lit up the train station, biking through the town looking for a midnight snack... etc. I love this man so much, my heart my explode

[highinwonder]

[highinwonder]

More treble

More trouble in paradise... Why has it been so hard?

I don’t even remember the last time we hugged.

[highinwonder]

Gediminas Pranckevicius: Surreal Worlds Digitally Painted

on Behance, deviantART

Lithuanian artist, Gediminas Pranckevicius has been a graphic designer for years, but his true talents allowed him to shine once he was inspired to create his own portfolio as a concept artist/illustrator.

His digital artwork has since been used as album covers and has won him numerous top awards. - See more at: http://bonexpose.com/featured/gediminas-pranckevicius/#sthash.CjaDMzeQ.dpuf

[highinwonder]

Great Interior Design Ideas