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i never post on here because i'm bad at vent posting i guess, but i am really struggling

i can't look at myself or be uncovered i hate how hairy, and jagged and masculine my body is

shaving just half of my legs takes so much work and clogs all the drains in my house and i just cant take it

i can't bring myself to come out to anyone but my best friend and it seems like getting hrt is a million years away

it sucks being trans even ignoring the societal stuff

but that means i should keep going i guess

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alas its not an original joke, its from this fucked up edit of the wilderness i found on reddit once

runescape was such a trans game to have grown up playing you can just go to the makeover mage and change gender whenever you want and no one can stop you

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i feel right now exactly like i did a couple of years ago when all my friend group/ relationship stuff was happening and instead of complaining in the group chat and arguing with people or spiralling in my own notes making a list of reasons why im a bar person im posting out here and why i do these kinds of things idk if i just want attention or am just making it up or what i don't know i don't fucking know i feel like i need to slam my head into a wall or poke it full of tiny holes to let the pressure release i've been biting stuff really hard and now my teeth and arm hurt my head feels so full i hate it and i already know i won't be able to sleep tonight

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i came so fucking close to coming out today but i chickened out at the last minute i don't think i can do it and i think i'm depressed or something i feel just deflated all the time and ive got so much else to do and my adhd referral is still being denied for no reason and i keep not being able to keep up after sitting down for a long time and im kinda worried about hitting my head or something i know i won't pass ever my face is too masculine i feel like some kind of troglodite with a huge brow and im too tall and im too hairy and it freaks me out i hate everything about myself idk why i feel the need to post this only one person can see it and im sure you don't want this and now youre feeling obliged to respond just don't you don't have to i think i need therapy or idk just well thats probably not going to be a thing for very much longer i cant legally be a woman here anyway so whats the point hrt is probably gonna be outlawed or something where we're headed by the time i could get it just fuck i hate myself and the world and my body and my voice and my shoulders and my chest and my face and everything fuck

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just heard my voice (outside my skull) for the first time in a year and i sound so like stereotypically trans idk how nobody has found out yet

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I've noticed my dysphoria tends to go in waves, like this: i feel super girly and nice -> i'm worse -> dysphoria is really bad -> im better-> repeat

But as of late, I think i've discovered it's because facial hair growing. I procrastinate shaving all the time (and literally everything else to he honest) and always forget how much it affects dysphoria until i start feeling bad, shave and it gets better.

I also have this one baggy t-shirt that helps with top dysphoria, and it's really nice, but it's definitely the thing i struggle with the most. I feel like my chest is just missing something there, it just feels wrong, kinda like the feeling you get when you're hungry or nervous, idk how to describe it.

I really can't bring myself to come out to my mum until the end of exams, it's too much to handle right now but even when i do idk what will happen. Like, my mum'll probably be supportive, she was when i came out as agender to her ages ago and she still tries to gender me correctly but its nowhere near 100% of the time. It is hard for her, she's got a lot to worry about already and i really love my mum.

I've also started to really despise my account's profile picture on everywhere, ive used it for ages and its on everything but it just rubs me the wrong way. I guess it's too masculine and blue and kind of represents the 'actual' me rather than the girl i want to be (which is kinda represented by this one)

I'm thinking when i come out to my mum, i'll come out to my friends and mutuals, swap everything (like theme-wise) over from this account, change the names and everything, make a post talking about everything. And finally make a pinned post, which i'm kinda reluctant to do right now because the whole account thing.

This was at first a one paragraph post but i just have a lot to say i guess. Dysphoria fucking sucks but i'll get through it.

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i've been really considering doing DIY hrt recently and it seems like the best option i have because

1. england is shifting very gradually into privatised healthcare (which sucks megaballs) and I need the NHS

2. we're seeing lots more anti-trans laws here and idk how long i could get hrt through the NHS anyway

3. It would be much faster than being referred to a gender pysician or whatever its called and waiting for ages

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cons of being trans:

gender :(

pros of being trans:

gender :)

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i wish me mow had more screentime because shes just so cool and should have had more than 1 episode + 1 scene and being in the background in elements

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gonna kill the inventor of shoulders

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i broke one :(

i felt very girl today

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i got a little tiny bracelet thing from a teacher and i think that might be it

im gonna start wearing bracelets maybe, i have some others from one time so yeah

i felt very girl today

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i felt very girl today