holdinbacksecrets

[holdinbacksecrets]

doesn’t look like i’m moving any time soon. i need to make friends in close proximity but but but

[holdinbacksecrets]

get out of the house. pick up a tea. thank the barista and smile. look at the sky. daydream until a cloud covers the sun. take a deep breath and exhale. pull the love out of your heart and sculpt it into a jewelry box. write about the boy you loved once. write about the place you visited once and wish you could hold in your hands. listen to music by an artist who fought for their dreams as a reminder that they can fall from the sky, that you can step and leap and climb and take what's yours. get out of the house. there's a whole world to explore.

[holdinbacksecrets]

art will save you, being unreasonably passionate about something niche will save you, letting past sources of joy show you the way back to yourself will save you, earnestness over composure will save you, the natural world will save you, caring for something bigger than yourself will save you, daring to be seen will save you, kindness not as a whim but a principle will save you, appreciation as a practice will save you, daring to try something new will save you, grounding will save you, love will save you, one good nights sleep will save you

[holdinbacksecrets]

i wish this could be black and white. i wish i could explain it with two words alone, with their two shades, and the presence or absence of light. they’re different weights in the air, in my mind.

i’ve tried to turn my observations objective. i promise i’ve tried. it’s an after-work routine, but my mind only wanders. it never picks a side.

let me convince myself. i plea to the ceiling like there’s an almighty being pressed up against the popcorn. the ugly popcorn that covers stark white in noticeable texture.

i always know in the night, when i’m too tired to fight, when my room is black, and i imagine your starry eyes. i can’t undo the vibrant truth: you’ve colored me subjective.

[holdinbacksecrets]

isn’t it wrong to shame softness?

[holdinbacksecrets]

jungkook is so sexy i’m gonna throw up

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need friends in close proximity! need to be hugged! need to be kissed! need to bake banana bread and leave it on doorsteps! need to stop daydreaming! need to lovingly admire my own memories! need need need!

[holdinbacksecrets]

Svt ot13 x desi reader please?

hello, this is a request i’m not comfortable writing bc i’m not desi. sorry!

[holdinbacksecrets]

Hi! I just came across your page and wanted to compliment your writing! The way you write is so different from other creators on here and it’s magical and whimsical. I’m a relatively new fan of seventeen and I’m always hunting for material to fuel my delusions and I love how you write for them and how you have so much content. I’ll be spending my day parsing through it.

I hope you have a great day and that the world is kind to you 💚

hello! thank you so much! i truly appreciate your kind words, and i’m so glad you found my blog 🥹 welcome to caratland!! i hope you’re having a blast. we love the diamond life 🌚💎

happy reading >.< sending serenity your way 🤍

[holdinbacksecrets]

thank you so much for reading and sharing kind words 🤍 i’m so glad you enjoyed these blurbs! 🥹 and i’m right there with you >.< romance exists in nature and the rain

love drunk voicemails from ex!seventeen

it’s been way too long since i’ve posted blurbs for svt >.< i hope you enjoy them! as always, thank you @un-love for sharing thoughts and helping me assign <3

seungcheol: “you used to be the easiest person to reach. for five years, i knew you’d answer my every call. now, i tell myself i was too young to understand the security of that and the luck, but i knew then. sometimes, after you answered, i wouldn’t say anything because if i stayed quiet long enough, i would hear my name. i loved the way you’d say it with a hint of annoyance, but it was annoyance through a smile. that’s the only kind i want around because it’s drenched in love. it was the only kind you knew. no one else does annoyance like you.”

jeonghan: “i’ve never seen you drunk, and i can’t sleep, so i ended up thinking about the times you were really honest—never-ending rambles that you didn’t have the awareness to cut off. it only happened when you were exhausted, but i loved it, and i decided that’s how you’d be drunk. i recorded a few of your rambles, and i play them sometimes. i’ll walk around seoul and listen to nothing else but you at 2am or 3am. my favorite one is from 6am when i picked you up from glamping for that bachelorette party. you were miserable, but we couldn’t go home until you saw the ducks at the pond. i didn’t know which pond, you forgot the name, so we kept driving until you were happy with one.”

joshua: “did you see me last weekend? i swear it was you. we were on the train, on opposite ends. i don’t think you looked my way once, and i convinced myself you saw me first but couldn’t handle seeing me again. i also tried to convince myself it wasn’t you, and it was working until you crossed your legs and i saw your ankle tattoo.”

jun: “do you still have picnics by han river? i’ve thought about going on a thursday night at eight, and i’ve wondered what i would do if i saw you. would you let me join you? what if i sat a few feet away? would u listen if i spoke without looking at you? talking towards the river with words meant for you… tell me this doesn’t feel right to you too.”

soonyoung: “where do you go when you miss me? is that conceded to ask? i always go to the mall when i miss you. it’s embarrassing, but i smell every perfume you’ve worn, at least the ones i can remember. i accidentally cried a little once. i think the employee noticed, so i bought a bottle because it felt wrong not to after subjecting the poor woman to my tears.”

wonwoo: “i know you’re dating. that fact rolled through the grapevine, and the final person let it slip like a senseless game of telephone, so i left the restaurant before my meal arrived and picked up something from a street vendor while i walked home. the walk home was miles. i couldn’t tell you how long it took. i kept stopping to catch my breath every time i thought about someone else’s hands on you. don’t date. what are we doing?”

jihoon: “we used to have a whole routine when i’d go on tour. it was so well thought out that i looked forward to missing you. i loved missing you. i loved having someone to miss, someone to come home to—an apartment warmed by your love.”

seokmin: “you called me on accident last night. it was so loud in the background. i knew you were out. i heard laughter and my eyes rolled back. then, you cursed and hung up, and i slumped over. call me again. laugh in my ear again. curse against my ear again.”

mingyu: “i still buy your grocery list. at least once a month i buy your favorite things, and i eat every last bit, but it’s all for the reminders. i stand in the kitchen to wash strawberries and cut them into halves and then quarters, and i reminisce the conversations we used to have. back then, i thought i’d hear your strawberry conversations for the rest of my life. i don’t want anyone else to. i can’t help but think no one will appreciate them like i do… did… would if you’d let me again. can we get a take two? redo? a second chance. i can love you better.”

minghao: “it’s raining. i feel like that’s all i have to say for you to know exactly what i’m thinking—all the things i’m feeling. what was it about us and the rain? did you ever figure it out? sometimes i wonder if you still try to, or if you’ve moved on, but i miss us when it rained. you sat backwards on the couch to watch the city lights blur. you talked about life like you were from another time and blamed it on the weather. you talked about me with complete certainty.”

seungkwan: “do you think about getting back together? how would you feel if i asked? i keep dialing your number first thing in the morning, before i’m wide awake, before i’ve completely lost the dream you were in, and the wanting makes me feel blissed out and uninhibited. then, i blink too many times and never do it. i wish you would reach out to me. i’d be so happy to see your name on my phone again. i took all of our calls for granted. i was too confident in us. there was never a reason not to be.”

vernon: “the courtyard behind the contemporary art museum is having a free concert this saturday. i’m going. it starts at 7, ends at 9. it’s supposed to be cold, so you should wear layers and cover your ears—the wind won’t be kind. i’ll bring a green tea with soy milk, so don’t worry about a drink. it’s a folk singer. you probably know her.”

chan: “i hope you’re still laying in the grass and using the moonlight to write in your journal. i hope there’s a ladybug on your cheek and sand in your socks. i hope you’re laughing and loving life and crossing items off on your mundanity list—or are you calling it a bucket list now? i hope you finally took that cake decorating class. i hope your mom’s healthy.”

[holdinbacksecrets]

love drunk voicemails from ex!seventeen

it’s been way too long since i’ve posted blurbs for svt >.< i hope you enjoy them! as always, thank you @un-love for sharing thoughts and helping me assign <3

seungcheol: “you used to be the easiest person to reach. for five years, i knew you’d answer my every call. now, i tell myself i was too young to understand the security of that and the luck, but i knew then. sometimes, after you answered, i wouldn’t say anything because if i stayed quiet long enough, i would hear my name. i loved the way you’d say it with a hint of annoyance, but it was annoyance through a smile. that’s the only kind i want around because it’s drenched in love. it was the only kind you knew. no one else does annoyance like you.”

jeonghan: “i’ve never seen you drunk, and i can’t sleep, so i ended up thinking about the times you were really honest—never-ending rambles that you didn’t have the awareness to cut off. it only happened when you were exhausted, but i loved it, and i decided that’s how you’d be drunk. i recorded a few of your rambles, and i play them sometimes. i’ll walk around seoul and listen to nothing else but you at 2am or 3am. my favorite one is from 6am when i picked you up from glamping for that bachelorette party. you were miserable, but we couldn’t go home until you saw the ducks at the pond. i didn’t know which pond, you forgot the name, so we kept driving until you were happy with one.”

joshua: “did you see me last weekend? i swear it was you. we were on the train, on opposite ends. i don’t think you looked my way once, and i convinced myself you saw me first but couldn’t handle seeing me again. i also tried to convince myself it wasn’t you, and it was working until you crossed your legs and i saw your ankle tattoo.”

jun: “do you still have picnics by han river? i’ve thought about going on a thursday night at eight, and i’ve wondered what i would do if i saw you. would you let me join you? what if i sat a few feet away? would u listen if i spoke without looking at you? talking towards the river with words meant for you… tell me this doesn’t feel right to you too.”

soonyoung: “where do you go when you miss me? is that conceded to ask? i always go to the mall when i miss you. it’s embarrassing, but i smell every perfume you’ve worn, at least the ones i can remember. i accidentally cried a little once. i think the employee noticed, so i bought a bottle because it felt wrong not to after subjecting the poor woman to my tears.”

wonwoo: “i know you’re dating. that fact rolled through the grapevine, and the final person let it slip like a senseless game of telephone, so i left the restaurant before my meal arrived and picked up something from a street vendor while i walked home. the walk home was miles. i couldn’t tell you how long it took. i kept stopping to catch my breath every time i thought about someone else’s hands on you. don’t date. what are we doing?”

jihoon: “we used to have a whole routine when i’d go on tour. it was so well thought out that i looked forward to missing you. i loved missing you. i loved having someone to miss, someone to come home to—an apartment warmed by your love.”

seokmin: “you called me on accident last night. it was so loud in the background. i knew you were out. i heard laughter and my eyes rolled back. then, you cursed and hung up, and i slumped over. call me again. laugh in my ear again. curse against my ear again.”

mingyu: “i still buy your grocery list. at least once a month i buy your favorite things, and i eat every last bit, but it’s all for the reminders. i stand in the kitchen to wash strawberries and cut them into halves and then quarters, and i reminisce the conversations we used to have. back then, i thought i’d hear your strawberry conversations for the rest of my life. i don’t want anyone else to. i can’t help but think no one will appreciate them like i do… did… would if you’d let me again. can we get a take two? redo? a second chance. i can love you better.”

minghao: “it’s raining. i feel like that’s all i have to say for you to know exactly what i’m thinking—all the things i’m feeling. what was it about us and the rain? did you ever figure it out? sometimes i wonder if you still try to, or if you’ve moved on, but i miss us when it rained. you sat backwards on the couch to watch the city lights blur. you talked about life like you were from another time and blamed it on the weather. you talked about me with complete certainty.”

seungkwan: “do you think about getting back together? how would you feel if i asked? i keep dialing your number first thing in the morning, before i’m wide awake, before i’ve completely lost the dream you were in, and the wanting makes me feel blissed out and uninhibited. then, i blink too many times and never do it. i wish you would reach out to me. i’d be so happy to see your name on my phone again. i took all of our calls for granted. i was too confident in us. there was never a reason not to be.”

vernon: “the courtyard behind the contemporary art museum is having a free concert this saturday. i’m going. it starts at 7, ends at 9. it’s supposed to be cold, so you should wear layers and cover your ears—the wind won’t be kind. i’ll bring a green tea with soy milk, so don’t worry about a drink. it’s a folk singer. you probably know her.”

chan: “i hope you’re still laying in the grass and using the moonlight to write in your journal. i hope there’s a ladybug on your cheek and sand in your socks. i hope you’re laughing and loving life and crossing items off on your mundanity list—or are you calling it a bucket list now? i hope you finally took that cake decorating class. i hope your mom’s healthy.”

[holdinbacksecrets]

@un-love

[holdinbacksecrets]

i just wrote a bunch of seventeen blurbs while listening to love song by BSS. am i …back??

[holdinbacksecrets]

kansas makes my soul cry. may this chicago move come sooner rather than later 🕯️

[holdinbacksecrets]

How would nct react to dating a full time student?

hi! thank you for requesting! i wrote it for dreamies, and it’s posted on my sideblog 🤍

[holdinbacksecrets]

Missing you and hoping you’re doing okay!!!

🥺🥺 thank you 🤍 i hope you’re doing ok as well. i miss all of you and posting here :(

it’s honestly weird to think about how alive this blog used to be, and i’m so fond of that time period, but… i’m just not invested in svt these days, and all my writing attention is with nct. perhaps things will change, and activity will increase here again, but i can’t be certain ❤️‍🩹

[holdinbacksecrets]

idk what to do with all of the feelings, primarily love. i want to bake banana bread and fold laundry and host game nights. but i'm all the way over here, and they're too far away to see with the bonaculars my mom gifted me.

what do we do with the love? where the hell do we put it? how do we say thank you? can i hold your hand? i think that would help.