holiciouspursuitofenvy - Tumblr blog

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I wanna be a pile of goop on my bed.

No responsibility.

No debt.

Never having to get up and go to the bathroom.

No worries.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

Existence really does feel horrifying.

And yes i am saying it's because of capitalism.

Yes, life would still have struggles and every other form of government is not immediately better because it's not capitalism. But goddamn would life be a lot easier without having to worry about housing and medical costs.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

Nothing FEELS good enough

Nothing FEELS achievable

All i FEEL is despair and anguish and spite

Even though i KNOW things will get better

I KNOW nothing lasts forever, including this

Things just hurt right now while feeling numb

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I have no idea how anyone makes enough money to live as an independent adult.

What's up with my brain and body i haven't done it yet w/o having one of the worst and moat mistreated jobs on earth?

People ask me all the time for a plan and to figure it out and guess what fucko, i never figured shit out all my life. All the potential and over zealous expectations put on me as a kid amountes to nothing i guess.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

God, I'm so hormonal rn i feel like I'll die.

#period things

Not like suicide, like my anxiety is so high i feel like I'm both in danger and am committing horrible atrocities 24/7.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

It's so annoying having to force myself to brush my teeth before bed.

There is no immediate reward AND i could have just slept. It is a contant struggle for me.

But so is procrastinating sleeping like right now.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

Me, sobbing, gasping, dribbling with snot: "I'M SO SORRY FOR ALL THAT I'VE DONE TO YOU ALL AND EVERYTHING I'VE DONE!"

Literally everyone:... (no one says anything because no one cares and doesn't understand how i do).

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I feel so prickly, goddammit.

I feel like internet discourse I'm attached to is around every corner.

But also real life conflict with my job and life.

This is all extremely vague just like my paranoia/anxiety right now.

And yet I STILL POST!

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I think the worst part of radical thinking is thinking that there is some endpoint. That it's possible to be "uncancellable" and be able to self report yourself as good and nonignorant even though that's hypocritical and self defeating. How can you yourself say you know everything and have never hurt anyone or caused offense?

This isn't straight forward perfectionism but absolutely is just mind virginity about social issues instead of just sex.

To be radical is to keep looking at the bigger picture no matter how ugly it makes your past you or current preconceived notions. And continually work to change your actions.

Although i do also blame the internet for its default language and tone being vile bitterness and pettiness (by the fascists ofc). When i think to be an anti fascist/good person is to be compassionate above all.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

It's so lovely having a boomer mom bc they love telling you to get a man and have kids any chance they get.

And then a boomer dad who never shuts up about how life used to be better and easier. He barely even means raises, he means some made up world where companies made quality products and good customer service because they wanted to.

Honey, the second a company sees a way to save money, they'll do it. Even if it mean glacial pacing on lowering the quality of products and services.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I feel ao overwhelmed by doing nothing and i hate it.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I definitely have a shopping problem i want to curb stomp out of here.

I get money, i get the urge to buy

Im beginning to question how much savings i really do need

My scrolling mostly involves shopping sites

I update shopping site wishlists at least once a week

I get immediate regret after purchases even though i get such intense Fear of Missing Out before i hit checkout or see items i want

My fomo is pretty bad. I've read up on shopping addiction andim nowhere near the point of blacking out and waking up to completed orders, but it's still a problem.

I want to stop this. Especially to save money and feel good about saving again. But also i want to learn how to be content with what i have. To do instead of buy to fill in the emptiness i feel. And if i do buy for indulgence, for it to actually feel special and real again instead of constant mistakes one after another.

I can take and feel control of my own life that isn't this and i want to do that.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

Working a minimum wage for my state seasonal job has finally made it sink into my bones "is this really what i want for the rest of my life?"

Like, i genuinely don't believe i could get a high paying job, or do well enough in school to get there. Both because i don't want to (and the debt) and i think my brain isnt wired to take classes, get an internship that goes anywhere, and market myself socially and on paper to do that.

Like everyone sucks at things they start at, but that feels better when applying that to cross stitch then paying thousands to learn physical therapy.

I do enjoy learning things and i do have a yearning to better myself but i really don't know what that means for me. But growing older, maybe that doesn't mean low wage back breaking positions. And hell no to 5 day a week 9 to 5s if i can help it.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I am happy right now, :).

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I don't wanna talk about P@135t1n3 on this blog specifically because i don't want people to find these posts or this blog but god the amount of evil that has to exist to make an open air prison for over 70 years to continually bomb it as well, is unpalpable.

Like, I'm privileged to not live in a bombed country which makes me guilty for even making a vent blog, but that's the wrong way to think about it.

Guilt and shame stop you from doing something. And that's the last thing you should do in a place of privilege, but the way i was raised and how my country, America is, as a whole makes that be my first instinct.

To care so much about politeness and respectability will get you nowhere morally good. Because current society on default IS EVIL.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

I'm extremely sure I've never had an eating disorder, but man do i have a super weird relationship with eating and food.

In general people are way too bitchy to picky eaters. They see them as children or the very very fucked up ones just don't believe in allergies.

Tangent aside, i have times I want to eat and get very mad if my body can't conform to that and not get hungry till then.

And i pretty much am a picky eater. But it's a lot about textures more than anything. I appreciate different tastes mostly from more bitter than black coffee to a little bit sweeter than candy. But if it's too slimy or sticky or too many conflicting flavors, i hate it.

There are in general foods i hate like cooked fruit (tomatoes, carrots, fruit pies) and some of it is my body getting fucked up somehow and my sugar tolerance nearing zero depending on the cycle of the moon.

I think that's it but i have no idea what this is from.

[holiciouspursuitofenvy]

Feel fucked up like i have a black hole inside me spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.

Also haven't showered in the longest time.