homebysix - Tumblr blog

[homebysix]

never underestimate the power of:

• eating fruits and veggies

• going outside

• opening your windows and letting the fresh air in

• cuddling with your pet

• catching up with your sibling or parent

• complimenting someone you don’t know

• exercising

• journaling

• cleaning out your fridge and cabinets

• listening to happy music

• putting yourself first

• making and eating a home cooked meal

• washing the dishes/putting the dishes away

• washing/brushing your hair

[homebysix]

General life update

navigating through my sexuality and have a haunting feeling. my partner is a cis hetero man and i sometimes worry i’ll never get to really experience my queerness. obviously i am still queer, even when dating a cis-man, but idk. 

now that i am officially out, i think about my past a lot and how there were hints and clues to my queerness that i avoided and dismissed. even the smallest things like refusing to carry around a purse bc i did not want to be perceived as a girl, wearing strictly “boy” clothes for the first 14 years of my life and only stopped because my mother yelled at me for not “dressing like a girl”

my pronouns are they/she now, but i haven’t even told my parents that yet bc i know they’re going to say some weird shit about it, at least my dad will. i came out as queer to them and that didn’t phase them at all. or maybe i am being too harsh on how they would handle it, bc they are working on being more aware of pronouns and respecting them - i’ve noticed that and i appreciate it.

moving is scary. trying to just live is scary. ahhhH!

all the things!! 

[homebysix]

HSV2 update

still here, still have hsv2. I started taking daily hsv2 medicine now that I am sexually active. I take one pill of Valacyclovir a day through a company called Nurx. You don’t need a provider or insurance or anything. Without insurance it is $25 per month, but I get a (3) month bottle so I don’t have to worry about it every month. 

Without the daily dosage, I used to get an OB every 2 months, which wasn’t fun. Now with it, I forget I even have HSV. No real side effects that I can think of except chapped lips for some reason? But that’s really it, and easily treatable with more water + chapstick. 

[homebysix]

Time to kick into gear with the next chapter arriving so soon for me! I will have a masters in sustainability in January, and I will be moving! Leo, my pup, and I will be living in a house with my partner and their siblings. I will still have my own room, because I am not quite ready to give up my personal space. 

So I will need to find a job and navigate my brain for what path I want to take in my career. I get really excited about food systems, so I think I will focus on that path. There are lots of non-profits and sustainability avenues to take where I am moving, so at least I have options! 

It is a little overwhelming, but I am looking forward to it. My intuition knows this is a good move for me, and I am so excited. 

[homebysix]

I’ve never been in healthy love before and it feels so strange. But I want to commit. Finally. I want to work through whatever comes our way, with you. I just want to be with you. Not as a half, but as two people growing alongside each other. 

[homebysix]

im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this

[homebysix]

I want to live my life more sincerely, but what does that mean to me? What do I find the most joy in? 

I find the most joy in taking photos and editing them. 

I find the most joy learning about haunted places and watching horror movies.

I find the most joy in learning about nature and how to help it.

I find the most joy in learning about holistic practices.

I find the most joy in doing fun things for myself/loving myself

I find the most joy in singing along to my favorite songs

I find the most joy in being silent and alone in a beautiful place where I can take it all in, such as outside on a fall afternoon in a comfy sweater listening to the wind. 

I find the most joy in learning about how I can solve things/big issues 

I find the most joy in discussions with people about things I like 

I find the most joy in learning about the interconnectedness of things

[homebysix]

Sometimes it takes a could’ve-been-fatal situation to really decide its time to reassess your life. 

I went out of a town on a week-long trip to see my partner and the first night I was there I got into an accident. He was in the passenger seat with me. I ran a red light. Luckily minimal damage was done, my insurance can cover the other persons vehicle, and the other person wasn’t upset (it was actually really weird how understanding they were and how nice they were to me even tho I totaled his car). It is a situation that could have been so much worse, and I think about those alternative scenarios and hate myself for it.

For some context: we were at a metal show only a mile from his house. We could have even WALKED. But I’m 27, never been in an accident, and was confident in my abilities. I had two ciders over the course of 3 hours. Still enough to affect my judgment, I guess. I never run red lights, and I’m usually pretty cautious. 

It could have been a deadly mistake, but instead it became a lesson. A wake up call. A serious reason to re-evaluate my priorities. 

I’ve been down in the dumps, overthinking things, thinking I’m not good enough for this life, and these are of course no excuse, but living through this traumatic, idiotic mistake has motivated me to do better for myself. Only I can improve myself and my life. And I will. 

Here’s what I want to improve:

the way I interact with people (I am so grumpy and anti-social, especially at work, but I need to be better than this)

be serious and adamant with planning your career and where you want to be once you graduate in December

stop drinking regularly (it’s okay to try a new drink in a situation you know you’re not driving after, or for a celebration you have a DD or can Uber from)

become active and strength-train again (3x a week strength + 1-2x running)

re-invest energy into your spiritual practices 

don’t spending money on things you really don’t need or that won’t help you achieve your dreams (treating yourself is okay, but that’s not all the time)

invest money in things for your dreams, aspirations, and a brighter future - things that will help you reach your goals

be more conscious with sustainability practices (recycle more, purchase consciously, compost, garden)

be completely yourself. You are never “too much”. If someone says that, they’re useless to you and don’t deserve your energy 

stop being so lazy. 

[homebysix]

i adore you. and i am still me. i look forward to learning and growing with you.

[homebysix]

A constant desire to be near you, to be lathered in your attention - it is a comfort I crave. These feelings were felt many years ago in a teenage love, one I grew from and felt it to be an overdramatic response to a new feeling, but here I am approaching 30 and I have these same excited tingles of deep desire for someone new.

However, as we have learned and adapted from so many relationships after that first, we know we cannot depend on someone else. Not that we can't, but we shouldn't. This person is not here to fill a space. My spaces are full. I can tend to myself when they are away, and can be happy when they are away. In fact, we need that space, we need that solitude to bring the best version of myself to the table. And we know this is just the feeling of falling, and it is okay to embrace it and live the journey, but to also remember that it is not something that lasts forever.

It is a rare engagement, I suppose, to fall in love like this. I avoid writing your name because it seems once I do, things change. So you will be ambiguous for now in these cautious beginnings. But my intuition is never wrong, and this is certainly just the beginning to something more.

[homebysix]

I can be possessive, clingy, and craving attention from a romantic partner once I get involved. It's like I shut off the outside world. So first things first - we don't do that this time! Continue to work on your growth, manage your energy, make time for yourself and your hobbies, continue to enjoy solitude and be alone. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE PURELY INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. Do not sacrifice anything. Time, energy, money, events. Continue to plan for YOU.

A person is not to fill a void or space, a person is to be complimentary to my whole. Two wholes ready to co-exist, but also solitarily exist as separate entities, too. We are these wildly adaptable beings with histories and pasts. I have mine, and they have theirs. What is important is the present time. What is happening right now, and what is planned for my own future.

[homebysix]

Asked the cards for general guidance today and received Temperance in reverse. Something is off, unbalanced, overindulged. So I asked again for clarity, and received The Lovers upright. I am not sure if this is a word of caution for my current romantic involvement, or a general suggestion to be careful not to overindulge in someone, as I typically have done in the past.

Shortly after this pull, I re-encountered an old friend - jealousy. For no reason, really. Just my mind jumping to ridiculous conclusions, and even if these conclusions turn out to be true, I shouldn't be reacting in such a way from something that does not involve me and is a past life for this person.

I do not want to be that kind of person again, who lets envy ruin good things, so I need to do a bit of reflection and introspect to figure out why this potentially bothers me.

More shadow work, I think. I can be possessive, and I do not want to be, because I do not allow anyone to be possessive with me. I am not this person, and I do not have to be - I will not be.

[homebysix]

So update!

I disclosed to them about my hsv2 and they were super understanding and said they have friend with it so they know a bit about it, and still wanted to get intimate with me 🖤

That sort of reaction just made everything feel easier, and confirmed that my diagnosis is, in fact, not a huge deal.

[homebysix]

It's basically a manageable skin condition.

I am still me, I can still accomplish many things, I am not alone, people still love me, I am still sexy and wanted, I will live on the same!

What's crazy is that 80-90% of ppl with hsv dont even know they have it! And since it's not part of the standard STD test, more ppl I know could have it without realizing it. Yet unfortunately you could still get a false negative if you haven't had a breakout yet. It's wild.

Doing research on it really helps me feel better.

[homebysix]

Imagine what you could do/accomplish if you just tried.

[homebysix]

I got some blood work done and now am waiting on the results. I never actually got officially diagnosed, but this will help me know for sure if it is hsv1 or 2, because I'm 99% sure I have 2. But being diagnosed is important.

But let me explain why I didn't get diagnosed at first: It was during the middle of COVID and none of the testing sites had availability for a while in my area. My symptoms went away for a long time and I began to forget about it on and off, researching it, thinking it was maybe just a bad gluten reaction (as I'm gluten sensitive and can get side effects down there).

I made out with some people, but avoided sex that involved going near my genitals until I was sure what it was. One day I saw an ad for online test kits sent to your home (didn't know that was a thing) and ordered it. It was more expensive than the clinic, but I had saved up some money so I bought it and here we are.

Once I get the diagnosis I will tell my family too. I want to teach them about hsv and destigmatize it. I'll tell my friends too.

I'm scared everyone will reject me. I'm scared they'll be mean to me and call me dirty and disgusting. I'm scared they won't be understanding or reassuring at all.

And then there's this new person I'm talking to that I have to disclose to in a few days when I see them. It's so much!! I'm planning on telling them while we are watching a movie. There hasn't been any sexual tension yet, we are legitimately just getting to know each other which has been so nice. I'm not used to this. I'm so used to people wanting to get to know me sexually immediately, and I've always hated that. So that's why this disclosure is bothering me because this dynamic is something I haven't had in a long time. Just someone who is genuinely interested. Not in just my body. But ME. This also gives me hope that they won't care much for my diagnosis bc theyre interested in who I am as a person rather than having sex with me.

But we will see.

[homebysix]

Trying to practice how I'm going go about my second disclosure. I want it to be done in person this time bc I feel that's the most honest and vulnerable:

Scenario 1: have you ever had an STD/STI test? Have you had one for herpes? What were your results? If they have it, oh me too! If not: I have hsv2, have you heard of that before? If yes, I say: does knowing I have it change anything for you? If no, I say: well it's an incurable STI that really only shows up a few times a year. It's harmless, just annoying when you have an ob. I know exactly when an ob is coming so its easy to spot, and you don't have sex during an ob. But with no ob and without any protection, like a condom, the chance of you getting it is 10%. With medication it's 5%, and with medication and condoms it's only 1% transmissible, and I have both condoms and meds. And female to male transmission is less common than male to female. How does this info make you feel?

A few things could happen: they could reject me and say that's not a risk they want to take. And I'll say, that's totally understandable, we can be friends if that's ok with you!

They could reject me and be mean about it (calling me names and so on), but then they weren't worth my time anyway bc that's rude and just not someone I want to be with lol.

They could be concerned at first, think about it, then say they are willing to risk it.

They could say they don't care at all.

They could say they don't care bc they also have it.

So 3/5 positive reactions is still a good chance! And it's not the end of the world if they reject me!

Scenarios 2: Would you say this is something you want to keep doing? Talking to me and seeing where it goes? If yes, well you should know that I have HSV2, have you heard of it before? And repeat scenario 1. If no to continue talking + whatever reason, okay I understand. Thanks for telling me. And no need to disclose :)

Scenario 3: rip it off like a band aid.

I think we've gotten to a point where I feel I need to say that I have hsv.

And repeat responses from other person above.